Relationships are a special thing . Being part of them, having become accustomed to them, people often cannot find the strength within themselves to refuse, to end them, even if the time, it would seem, has long come. The question of whether it is worth milking a dead cow - that is, hoping for something in a relationship that does not seem promising in the future - arises before almost every second person. A final decision on this issue should be made only after all the pros and cons have been weighed, which is why they need to be discussed.
Relationships are interdependent things . People are capable of going to great lengths if they are afraid of losing a loved one: many endure beatings and humiliation, just so as not to be left alone. Some - mainly “folk” matchmakers and advisers - believe that romantic interaction and family are definitely worth any adversity and obstacles . Like, he will endure it, fall in love, settle down. At the same time, modern psychologists and coaches unanimously insist that in any relationship there is a line beyond which there is nothing, after which you just need to move on and not look back - look only forward. Who is right is an open question, and it is worth talking about this topic in more detail.
Pros of continuing a relationship without a future
- Saving status . A deep relationship with a person is an indicator of status in today’s society, no matter how you look at it. No matter what people say, they still hand out the label of “loner” quite willingly. And even though loneliness in itself is not shameful, it can hardly be explained to the narrow-minded. Therefore, it is not surprising that many people stay in unprofitable and unhealthy relationships, because “what will people say.”
- Maintaining financial stability . This option seems viable not so much for young girls as for married women, and especially those with children. Still, few people will hire a woman with two children just like that - and the point is not only discrimination, but also the fact that she will most likely ask for time off more often and go on sick leave to care for the children. Therefore, having a man nearby as a guarantor of stability is for many a critical factor, for the sake of which it is worth enduring a failed relationship.
- Matter of habit . Even if the feelings have faded, being close to someone you used to love can still be extremely pleasant and comfortable. Few people will refuse the obvious advantages, which is why many continue the relationship, no longer remaining lovers, but friends “with benefits.”
- Common child . Not so much a plus as an argument: after all, a common child is a sufficient reason to stay with a person, even if there is no future with him. After all, at least the child should have a future.
- The likelihood of a “second wind” . It is common for every person to hope for the best, and people who have come to a “dead end” in living together are no exception. Of course, a miracle rarely happens, but it still happens - in one case out of five, ten, hundreds, unpromising relationships still manage to get a second wind and flare up with renewed vigor. In the end, stories about how “the guy left for his ex” come from somewhere.
Lack of intimacy
Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's not important. The desire to satisfy intimate needs is normal and natural. When your partner does not meet this need, you will begin to feel like you are lacking or, worse, that you are not what your partner wants.
Intimacy is not just about sex. It includes those personal, important moments that you share with your loved one. This is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
If there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship, you need to immediately find out why. There are many reasons why this could be happening, and not all of them are as bad as you think. However, the issue needs to be resolved before one or both partners lose interest in the relationship.
Cons of continuing a relationship without a future
- Fading of feelings . A relationship that leads “to nowhere” is not so bad. Sometimes it happens that people who loved each other with all their souls suddenly begin to hate each other with the same force with which they loved. This can be clearly seen in elderly couples of grandparents who do nothing but argue. Sometimes putting an end to such cohabitation is the best way out: at least, the person you once loved will definitely not cause anger.
- Aggression . Where love disappears, indifference, boredom and disrespect appear. If a man (and sometimes a woman, times are advanced now, anything can happen) in principle was not distinguished by a persistent and accommodating disposition, he may begin to have a hand in beating a girl, wife and/or his children. This is the case when you need to run away from a relationship as quickly as possible.
- Parents' disappointment . The longer parents get used to the chosen one of their daughter/son, the longer they will move away from the news that “everything has become bad.” Living by Soviet standards of relationships (where a husband’s alcoholism is not a reason for divorce), they may simply not accept that their sweet daughter (or golden son) is suffering again. On the other hand, this is not yet the most advanced case: there are stories of how parents tried to do something and return their loved one when everything was already over.
- Lack of prospects . Remaining in the “swamp” of a relationship without a future, the guy/girl still excludes himself from the search for a new soulmate. They lose all opportunities to love and be loved again, to find any kind of happiness. However, if people do not strive to find a new soulmate, and they are quite happy with living together for the sake of convenience, you should not blame them - everyone has their own happiness.
- Lack of a “love” atmosphere . This problem is relevant not only for those couples who managed to have children, but primarily for them. A child can be raised physically and morally (and mentally) healthy only in an adequate family where the father and mother love each other. Otherwise, without having an example of a loving relationship before his eyes, the child may grow up socially maladapted or even maladjusted. This problem may seem funny, but psychologists who then help such children reflect on their childhood problems as adults do not consider it such.
Psychologists are sure: the sooner you understand what awaits your couple - a happy marriage or an inevitable breakup - the easier it will be for you to cope with the situation. Or even change it completely! How to recognize a relationship without a future?
Romance with a “schoolboy”
You can always brag about your chosen one, who is 10-15 years younger than you, to your friends, but is such a man suitable to be your husband? According to statistics, most couples where the woman is much older than the man break up within 3-5 years.
Why?
There are quite a few risk factors in these relationships: jealousy, rejection of your couple by society, and disagreements on the topic of children (as a rule, the woman wants to have a child, and the man is not yet ready to become a father).
“Often in such couples, the woman psychologically plays the role of mother, and the man plays the role of son, and a moment may come when the “beloved son” wants to leave the “parental” nest,” says Lidiya Semyashkina, family psychologist, head of the “Step to Happiness” project "
What to do?
If you want to maintain such a relationship, learn to treat your chosen one first and foremost as a man, not a boy. Or find an older gentleman - according to psychologists, couples where the husband is 5-6 years older than his wife get along best.
A holiday romance
Beautiful sunsets on the sea, sun, cocktails - everything on vacation contributes to love, but often these relationships have no future.
Why?
According to statistics, only 7-10% of holiday romances end in the creation of a family: they, as a rule, do not withstand reality and everyday life.
“A gentle nymph running through the waves with her hair blowing in the wind in a city environment can turn out to be a calculating career woman, and a knight with a powerful torso can turn out to be an unattractive man on the subway who will never give up his seat to an old woman,” says Lydia Semyashkina.
What to do?
If you want the romance not to end at the same time as the tour package, psychologists advise, firstly, not to rush into self-disclosure and intimacy, and to intrigue your partner. Secondly, do not create illusions and realize that upon returning to the real environment, your companion may turn out to be a little different.
Worth reading: 9 things men want in bed
Love by correspondence
Modern technologies connect lovers living thousands of kilometers away from each other. Plus, exchanging letters is so romantic! True, there is a great risk that such a love story may not have a real continuation.
Why?
“Love at a distance is a woman’s love with herself, with her own fantasy, where she herself completes the image of her lover to what she wants,” explains psychologist Lydia Semyashkina.
Another risk is falling in love with a person who is simply pretending to be someone else. “In my practice, there was a case when one woman met another woman on the Internet under a man’s name, and their online romance continued for several years,” says Alexey Mishin, a psychotherapist. “The lady who presented herself as a man just wanted to understand why she was having no luck in relationships and to understand female psychology.”
What to do?
Hurry up with a personal meeting - the sooner it happens, the greater the chance that your Internet adventure will develop into a real relationship.
Romance with a "mama's boy"
Some men, in order to get married, must first “divorce” their mother: otherwise, in their ideal union, you risk becoming a third wheel.
Why?
In order for this relationship to have a future, you will have to “recapture” your man from his mother. “True, even if this works out,” explains psychotherapist Alexei Mishin, “you risk becoming a “new mother” for your husband. But not all women are ready for this.”
What to do?
If you still decide to fight for your man, psychologist Lydia Semyashkina advises you to come to terms with the presence of your mother-in-law in your life, try not to criticize her, but, on the contrary, praise both mother and son more often.
Relationships with a “married man”
Before deciding to have a relationship with a married man, you need to understand what place you will occupy in his life and find out why he needs an affair with you at all?
Why?
The most likely two outcomes of an affair with a married man: either he will position you as his mistress for some time, and then return to the family, or create a new one - with you, but will cheat with another woman.
What to do?
Go for it if the scenarios described by psychologists don’t scare you.
We recommend: 12 signs that a man loves his woman too much
Romance with a celebrity
Public people, as a rule, are very careful in choosing their heartfelt affections. But suddenly it happened that he became interested in you. And you are already dreaming about introducing the star to your parents, about a luxurious wedding and children together. But perhaps in vain?
Why?
You are fascinated by the stardom of your chosen one, but not by him. Your expectations may not coincide with the character of the real person. “You shouldn’t miss the fact that the future exists only in those relationships where there is mutual exchange, and of equal value,” explains psychotherapist Alexey Mishin. This is why famous men often marry women from their circle.
What to do?
If you want a serious relationship with a star, prepare for the fact that you will have to get to know each other again, and the fewer expectations and prejudices you have, the better.
Relationships based on sex
Quality sex is a good prerequisite for a stable relationship. When there is nothing besides him, this is normal at the initial stage of a romance, but not when your relationship is already several months or years old.
Why?
Sex soon ceases to be valuable and brings partners together. “For happy unions, you need something more serious - a synthesis of sexual and mental attractions,” notes psychotherapist Alexey Mishin.
What to do?
Urgently look for common interests or run away from such relationships as fast as you can.
Also interesting: 10 manifestations of male greed
Relationships on edge
Domestic violence, endless jealousy and guilt in most cases destroy relationships. An affair that causes you emotional breakdowns is unlikely to ever develop into a happy marriage.
Why?
No woman would like to come to work with bruises and endure constant screaming, even if she has great feelings for a man.
What to do?
Our expert psychologists advise first to understand the situation in which a man raised his hand to you. If he did it to get you out of a hysterical state, or you provoked him by seriously insulting him, then your relationship may have a future. If the reason was a drunk bottle of beer, and the punishment was a methodical beating, then, alas, there is no chance for a long and happy life. “In any case, if you decide to forgive a man, don’t do it right away, he should feel the threat of losing you,” recommends psychologist Lidiya Semyashkina.
Relationships after cheating
Few women have the courage to forgive a cheating partner. Much more often, a feeling of resentment prevents the restoration of the previous relationship.
Why?
Betrayal is very difficult to forgive, so resentment turns into sacred revenge.
“Reminders and reproaches create a psychologically difficult environment, in an effort to leave which a man may again decide to cheat, and more than one,” says Alexei Mishin.
What to do?
If you still decide to try to save the union, find the strength to forgive once and for all. Lidia Semyashkina advises trying to avoid the “victim” position, otherwise there is a risk that the relationship in the future will be built on feelings of guilt. And this, you see, is also not the strongest basis for a novel.
Relationships out of revenge for an ex
A new relationship is by no means a guarantee that you will be able to forget your previous passion. Unions built on a feeling of revenge, as a rule, are not durable: after all, you are still concentrating on the personality of your previous partner, and you simply have no energy left for the one who is nearby at the moment.
Why?
“No matter how hard you try to look for merit in the character of a new man, the differences will always be in favor of the former,” notes psychologist Lydia Semyashkina. Your attraction to your previous man cannot but be noticed by your current chosen one, who will probably be the first to talk about breaking up.
What to do?
Stop deceiving yourself and misleading your current chosen one. You need to make a choice as soon as possible: if you still love your ex, maybe you should let go of the person who is now next to you?
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Loneliness
It's normal to feel lonely if you're not in a relationship. But if you have a partner and the feeling of loneliness persists, then you have a serious problem. Below are a few warning signs that should not be ignored: you want to talk to your partner, but he is never there, your partner is not in a hurry to cheer you up after a hard day, your emotional needs and overwhelming feelings of loneliness do not find a response in the heart of your loved one or beloved. All of these signs indicate that the relationship is no longer viable and you and your partner do not have a future together.
You are jealous
It is likely that in your man’s circle there is a girl (or even several girls) who has designs on him. You feel jealous because of this. An unpleasant feeling may contribute to dreams in which your partner is cheating on you. Learn to trust your partner. Talk to the man you love frankly and tell him about your fears.
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Don't waste your time on him. A psychologist tells how to understand that your relationship has no future
April 20, 2020 at 8:30 LADY.TUT.BY / Photo: unsplash.com
It happens: in a relationship, for a variety of reasons, a period of choice and doubt may come. Am I wasting time with my partner right now, or is there anything I can do to change this? I wouldn’t mind giving half a kingdom for a quick and unambiguous answer to this question. Alas, the choice “to leave or stay”, “do we have prospects or not” - is often as long, unsteady and doubtful as any other serious choice in life.
Katerina Zykova - existential psychologist, author of the telegram channel “tolerance of uncertainty”
Weighing the pros and cons can take years. Why so long? Because it often seems to a person that he is choosing somewhere between absolute happiness for life and total failure. A little more and he will make the perfect decision. But there is no perfect solution. With any choice, there are pros and cons.
We wouldn’t choose so painfully and for a long time if there was something unique and cool from all sides. When you choose one, you always deprive yourself of the other. When you say “yes” to something, you also say “no” to another possibility. Decisions are so expensive and painful because they always mean giving up, renouncing something, limiting one’s capabilities.
So stay in the relationship or leave, is there any prospects for it now?
There is no incentive to work on relationships anymore
When you and your partner no longer want to resolve the differences that arise, it's probably time to separate - the spark has gone out, and spending time with your previously loved one becomes unbearable.
Someone is afraid to break off a relationship, afraid of hurting their partner's feelings, or afraid of living life alone. Here's a little advice: loneliness is much better than a meaningless relationship.
Don't forget to share your feelings with your partner and give the relationship one last chance before ending it forever. Love is beautiful, and if you truly love someone, then there is nothing wrong with trying to spice things up. But first, try to make sure that your partner shares your feelings. Good luck with this!
