Long-term relationships between a man and a woman, in the vast majority of cases, sooner or later lose their former romanticism. However, the marriage does not break up, because the connection continues to be convenient for both, at the same time, acquiring the features of habit. A man reacts especially sharply to these changes: one “beautiful” day he suddenly realizes that his love for his wife is no longer as strong as before. The woman feels her partner's condition. Many people are not satisfied with this state of affairs and then they wonder how they can renew their feelings and return brightness and happiness to their relationships? We offer the best ways to renew your relationship.
Why do happy relationships wane?
A representative of the stronger sex who is married or in a love union with a woman does not just lose the strength of the feelings he feels for her. There are reasons for this.
Firstly, what attracted a gentleman to a life partner gradually loses its relevance. If this is the freshness of youth, age inevitably makes its own adjustments to the appearance of any woman. If there are special personal and human qualities, they could be insincere, and now the lady of the heart periodically shows her true face, especially during major quarrels.
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If you want to renew your relationship with your loved one, you always need to have a well-groomed and cheerful appearance - in everyday life, under the pressure of life's problems, it is very difficult for even the brightest and most cheerful beauty to always be in a great mood and be in good shape. And these changes in the partner have the most negative impact on the strength of the man’s love feeling for her.
Secondly, the union of two hearts presupposes constant contact between a man and a woman. In the current conditions, not every woman is able to always put the needs of her partner above her own interests. Naturally, a man does not like such a turn at all, his love and feelings for a woman, because he regards her voiced behavior as selfishness.
Ways to renew your relationship with your loved one
Obviously, in order to renew the relationship and revive the feelings of former strength in the partner’s heart, efforts will have to be made. And you should start by making positive changes in yourself.
- Take care of yourself, watch your own appearance. Of course, old age is inevitable, but its onset can be delayed. In addition, taking your appearance seriously will allow you to look attractive at any age.
- In order to renew a man’s feelings, walk around the house only in clean, pleasing clothes. No more old T-shirts, pants, and especially holey socks! You must look feminine and neat, otherwise, not only will you not increase a man’s love for himself, but you will also lose his respect.
- Don’t humiliate your partner, don’t complain about him to your mother or friend, don’t blame him or “nag” him, no matter what happens. Forget even to think badly about him, because a loved one will certainly feel an unspoken bad attitude towards himself.
- If you want to renew your relationship, learn to compromise with your partner, and sometimes even give in to him. But at the same time, never humiliate yourself in front of a man, because men do not like women who do not have self-esteem.
- Add some romance to your relationship. Take the initiative: arrange a candlelit dinner, invite your loved one to the theater for the premiere of a play, or present the fact of a joint weekend getaway at a resort that he really likes. Show your partner how much you love him, and he will definitely, although maybe not immediately, reciprocate your feelings.
- Always find time for your man. Learn to be flexible - don’t, like a robot, try to strictly follow a pre-prepared schedule of tasks. When your partner returns from work, talk to him about his day, ask about his health, and don’t rush to urgently iron the laundry or wash the dishes. This will help a man feel that you appreciate and love him.
- To renew your relationship with your partner, listen to his opinion, take into account his point of view. Do not rush to reject the proposals a man makes in favor of solving a particular problem. If you always act only as you decide and think for yourself, you risk completely losing his love.
How to properly discuss what worries you?
So, in order to build a reliable relationship, it is important to discuss your experiences with a loved one, especially those that worry us the most. This is called emotional honesty.
I have two neighbors, my friends. Our apartments are located in the same corridor. They are used to sharing their problems with me.
One, Tamara Ivanovna, has a son, Tolya. He is 16. About a year ago, Tolya began to carefully monitor his clothes, spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, and generally show attention to his appearance. His mother, fearing for his performance at school, tried to correct the situation (although what to correct - after all, everything is going normally, in accordance with the nature of a sixteen-year-old boy!).
“Isn’t it for the sake of that girl who asks you about her homework five times a day that you’re doing your hair for half an hour today?”
“It’s none of your business,” Tolya answered rudely.
His mother wanted to distract him and began asking him about his studies, but he closed himself off and did not tell him anything. Tamara is now very worried that her relationship with her son will break completely. Tolya believes that he is not understood. The mother worries that she is not respected.
Another neighbor, Vera Maksimovna, has more serious problems. Her mother is suffering from the consequences of a stroke in a neurological clinic. Vera goes to the hospital every day after work. It is necessary to feed the mother, and make the bed, and wipe the body so that bedsores do not form.
Vera's husband, Victor, does not publicly object to his wife's frequent visits to her mother, but at the same time he behaves like an offended, neglected little boy. He seems to be saying with all his appearance: “I need you so much, without your care I feel abandoned. And you continue to pay attention only to your mother, and not to me.”
In both cases, there was no confirmation of feelings in the relationships between people. If the young man’s mother had not questioned the truth and adequacy of her son’s feelings, she would not have laughed at his parting. By the way, the desired goal - to direct his energy to study - was not achieved. Tolya began to study more carelessly. At home he remained silent. The lack of an open relationship does not contribute to anything good, including academic achievement.
Victor did not dare to voice his claims to his wife’s attention. He knew what she would say: “Mom is so sick and helpless, it’s my duty to be there.” Vera would be offended, hurt by the fact that he does not understand basic things, and could even accuse her husband of being callous. These would be her protective behaviors.
If the first story still has a disappointing ending - the son and mother feel alienated and don’t know how to improve their relationship, then the second story has a happier ending.
Once Vera said:
“I would be glad to stay with you in the evening more often, Vitya.” But you know that now mom needs care.
“Don’t worry, I understand you,” Victor squeezed out, despite the offense. And the amazing thing is that the resentment immediately disappeared somewhere.
“I’m glad you understand how I feel.” I would like to be close to my mother and you at the same time.
What happened in the conversation between Victor and Vera? There was a confirmation of each other's feelings. She took the first step towards him, seeing that he was sulking like an offended boy. And with her behavior she seemed to tell him: “I agree with you. You are absolutely right. We don’t spend enough time together, mom doesn’t willingly take away our precious time. But you can't live without doing what you have to do. It is my duty to care for my sick mother, but I also understand your needs.”
Instead of defending her position, her unconditional rightness, Vera confirmed only one thing - his feelings are real, true and appropriate. There are no inappropriate feelings. There is only an inappropriate way of expressing them.
How to renew feelings in a couple
- Give compliments
. The longer people live together, the less often they say something nice to each other. Domestic concerns come to the fore, and you don’t have much time to pay attention to your partner’s advantages, and you notice mostly complete disadvantages in him. However, it is precisely such a seemingly trifle as a compliment that can serve as a powerful impetus for the renewal of feelings in the existing union. Emphasize the advantages of your man, praise him more often - and soon you will begin to receive the same in response, and in the eyes of your loved one, when looking at you, a faded sparkle will appear.
- Surprise your partner
. Become an interesting woman for him that he wants to know better; a woman who hides many mysteries that you wouldn’t mind spending your life solving. Be like a fascinating book that you can’t stop reading and want to return to again and again. How exactly you will achieve such changes in yourself is a personal and strictly individual matter, but quite feasible. Turn on your imagination and listen to the voice of intuition! - If you need to renew your relationship, get some privacy yourself from time to time and give this opportunity to your loved one, especially if you have never done this before. People who live together for a long time sooner or later get tired of constant contact and feelings fade away. Therefore, from time to time, each of them needs to be alone with themselves in order to have time to miss the communication and closeness of their partner, to look at him, as they say, with a fresh look. This will certainly help your mutual love flare up with renewed vigor.
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- Take a break from intimate relationships. Free your partner from the obligation to fulfill marital duties for a while, especially if you feel that he does not refuse you just because he does not want to offend. The fact is that having sex without desire gives rise to negative emotions, which, when accumulated, can even result in rejection. And the reason for this reluctance and decreased desire may be a simple lack of sleep. Therefore, pay special attention to arranging a place for you to sleep together: buy comfortable pillows, bed linen in calm, soothing colors, think about good soundproofing of the bedroom, perhaps purchasing thicker curtains for the windows. Make the room cozy. A proper rest will make the feelings that were fading away flare up.
- Show you care
. Don't wait for your partner to do this to you, but take the initiative into your own hands. Brew him coffee in the morning, bring him breakfast in bed; Give him a massage when he complains of back pain. Caring and showing tenderness will certainly awaken similar emotions in your man, the need to surround you with his spiritual warmth. - The same effect, in order to renew relationships, can be successfully achieved by demonstrating your own defenselessness and weakness in front of your loved one. Do not reject his help when he offers, do not try to solve everything yourself - consult with your partner. Don't resist your loved one's care. Perceiving you as a little girl in need of the care of a strong man will perfectly renew the feelings of a loved one for you, and yours too.
Be happy!
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Tags: how to renew relationships and feelings
How to correct the situation?
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In fact, in this regard, most relationships cannot be called full-fledged and free, that is, when both partners are independent and free individuals who do not freeze in marriage like pillars of salt, but develop together, exchange emotions, feelings, are frank, sincere and trust each other.
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So, within the framework of an ineffective model of communication, when we do not understand ourselves and our needs, it is impossible to change anything, at least fundamentally change. All you can do is have some fun. You can go on vacation, you can give each other great gifts, you can arrange a second honeymoon, but these are all temporary solutions that will briefly excite the psyche and bring newness back to the relationship.
The fundamental solution lies elsewhere. In a complete change in the communication model through awareness of one’s needs and understanding the needs of another person. In fact, this means rejecting all the typical models of communication that are drilled into us from childhood and which we value for various reasons, although they very often drain us, and move to a completely different level of self-awareness.
For example, if spouses meet at home in the evening, after work, and the wife suddenly begins to talk about how her day went, then, in most cases, the husband, who is also tired, will endure it all for some time (because good children - adults should listen to what they are told, even to their detriment and if they are not interested), and then can predictably “explode.” The wife, who does not expect anything like this, obviously reacts in the typical framework of “fight” or “flight” and a deafening scandal begins with throwing the ball and finding out who is to blame. Interestingly, the question “Who is to blame” arises constantly, and, as you might guess, the answer to it has not been found over the past few centuries. What’s even more interesting is that the question “What to do?” doesn’t even arise, isn’t it strange?
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What can we talk about if suddenly the wife was promoted, she becomes the boss, and her “ordinary” husband, who was proud of the harmony and understanding in their relationship, suddenly begins to get angry, worried and afraid that now everything will change, she will leave him, accusations and control begin , and, in the end, everything can happen like that. After all, he was supposed to become the big boss, he was supposed to maintain control over his wife, he was supposed to be so important that he was valuable to his wife.
So, it makes sense to start by trying to understand what we really want. And, do this gradually and in small steps. Our feelings tell us that something is happening. In the example of quarreling spouses, the husband might notice that while his wife talks about her day, irritation builds up in him, which he suppresses. He could try to understand where it comes from. For example, he came home tired, and his dream was not to think about anything, not listen to anything, but just sit on the couch for 10 minutes, relax and come to his senses. And here he is subjected to a verbal “attack” that he cannot stop. He has a need for rest, which he can realize through peace and quiet. A constructive solution would be to say something like this to your wife: “Wait, please, the thing is that I’m very tired and right now I’m feeling irritated because I have to strain to concentrate. I really need to rest for about half an hour. Do you mind if we return to this conversation later? And so it is in everything. We realize that something annoys us or makes us happy, our feelings and emotions serve this purpose, after which we understand what we really want and calmly (this is important) inform our partner about it.
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Of course, the change in behavior patterns does not end there. You will still need to look for joint acceptable solutions, understand in what cases you are ready to hear him, but not fulfill his desire, make new communication protocols the norm, and realize your partner’s unwillingness to change something. The path is long, but this is a real path to change. And realizing your true desires is the first step.
Very often we do not want to allow ourselves to give up unconstructive behavior. After all, this is our usual model. Sometimes even we mistakenly believe that this is the source of our identity. For example, what will be left of us if we suddenly stop trying to control everything? Will we still be good parents if we stop calling our adult child every day and asking how his day was? And, in general, does this need relate to real concern for him, or for ourselves?
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Start right now to notice such details and look for explanations and you will see that everything changes. Right here and right now. And the source of these changes is you. Take responsibility for these changes and through this, you may be able to breathe new life into your relationship. After all, gradually, you will become independent, independent and adult people with minimal influence on your behavior from childhood cliches.
At the same time, of course, do not forget that both you and your partner and your relationship are changing. And, in relationships, whatever they are, there are individual characteristics of a person. And, in a new light, you may see something that you categorically did not want to see before, and your relationship may not change for the better. You probably won't be too scared by this time, but you may have to make some tough decisions.
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Andrey Petrakov
Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment
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