Relationships after the birth of a child. Postpartum depression. Psychology of family life

• September 14, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Kira Ifeevskaya

It often happens that relationships deteriorate after the birth of a child. Instead of family idyll and joy, discord and quarrels begin in the family. Sometimes this ends in divorce. In this article we will tell you why this happens and how postpartum depression affects relationships. We will also give advice to help improve your family life.

How often can you hear from the lips of a young mother that the relationship with her husband has deteriorated after the birth of the child. Why is that? After all, the baby was born, whose arrival the parents had been eagerly awaiting for 9 months, and the worries about a successful delivery were over. That is, right now you can live and enjoy every day of an already full-fledged family. But instead, daily scandals began. Why do family relationships worsen after the birth of a child? Let's look further at the reasons.

Spouses turn into parents

Husband and wife transform from spouses into parents. Therefore, both their outlook on life changes. The wife must now pay attention not only to her husband, but also to the child. The husband, in turn, must provide the family with money and help his wife care for the baby. Sometimes there is simply not enough strength or time to show love and affection to each other. All free time is given to the new family member, and a lot of it is required.

After the birth of a child, the mother quickly gets used to the role of a parent. Since she had been carrying the baby inside for 9 months. Hormones have already prepared a woman for all duties and responsibilities. It’s harder for men; they begin to realize the obligations placed on them much later. Therefore, spouses have completely different views on the new family member and different attitudes towards him. This provokes quarrels.

Pregnancy and crisis of family life

It happens that the time of pregnancy coincides with the onset of a crisis in family relationships. It doesn't matter which of these events came first. In any case, this time is a real test for the family. Let's consider each of the situations and methods for solving the problem in order:

1 An unplanned pregnancy occurred during a crisis in a relationship. Pregnancy can occur during an already existing family crisis. Moreover, conception often occurs after the birth of the first child, which became the reason for the cooling of relations between spouses.

I would like to say that difficulties in family understanding are not an obstacle to bearing a baby. Pregnancy can be perceived by spouses as a gift from above, a reason to better understand each other and realize past mistakes.

Helpful tip:

Now you have another reason to hold hands tightly and solve all the difficulties together. Definitely, the pregnancy should be preserved: nothing happens for nothing.

2 The crisis in marital relations occurred during pregnancy. There were no signs of trouble when planning a pregnancy: complete mutual understanding and love reigned in the family, both parents dreamed of a baby. But after several months from the moment of conception, and maybe immediately after it, little remained of the former idyll.

Interesting! How to survive betrayal? Tips for women

All signs indicate that a pregnancy crisis has arrived. It may be associated with changes in a woman's hormonal background.

Often, even the calmest and most balanced representatives of the fairer sex begin to behave as if they are always dissatisfied with something. The woman becomes capricious, fatigue, irritability and tearfulness increase, and the man simply does not know what to do.

Also, a pregnancy crisis can occur due to financial difficulties now threatening the young family.

Helpful tip:

I would like to recommend that families who find themselves in the situation described above show as much patience and friendliness towards each other as possible. Try to understand at what period of pregnancy the disorder occurred and what caused it. There is no need to constantly discuss family problems if simple conversations do not lead to agreement.

Lack of time for everyday life and spouse

In the first three months, children suffer from colic. Then the mother is almost always with the child in her arms. Therefore, he does not have time to cook a full dinner, iron a shirt or wash the floor. What can upset a spouse and be the beginning of the first quarrels and conflicts after the birth of a child.

A woman devotes too much time to her baby, especially if he is long-awaited. Even when he sleeps, his mother fusses around him. Or at this time she tidies up his toys, washes his clothes soiled during the day. There is practically no time left for your spouse. This often happens at the birth of the first child. A woman is not quite ready for life after the birth of a child. She has not learned to evenly distribute her love, affection and attention to her husband and baby.

The husband is dissatisfied with the lack of attention from his wife. He lacks affection, warmth and love. This provokes the development of jealousy towards the child. Often the spouse does not understand that the baby is helpless, and therefore he needs more attention. Husbands often confuse two different words: attention and love. The fact that a woman spends more time with her baby does not mean that she loves him more. It’s just that sometimes a wife really doesn’t have enough strength or time to give her husband as much attention and love as before.

My husband can't stand the strain

If before the birth of the baby the spouse could calmly relax and unwind when he came home (watch a movie, play on the computer, just lie on the couch with his wife), then from the moment the child is born there is little silence in the apartment. And instead of resting after the main job, when the husband comes home, he takes up a second “job” to help his wife, who is tired during the day. Often the stronger half cannot withstand such a load. As a result, the husband may begin to work late. Or it may happen that the husband left after the birth of the child for another woman. After all, she is quiet and has enough love and attention.

Often there are reproaches from men that the woman has begun to look bad. And her figure after giving birth is no longer the same, and she doesn’t take care of herself, her clothes are too homey, and so on. Often this happens because the young mother simply does not have enough energy and time. And sometimes a woman actually hides behind her child in the fact that she doesn’t have time to do anything.

Often the ideal of a beautiful and successful young mother is imposed on husbands from the TV screen and the pages of magazines. Or the neighbor on the landing looks good and pays attention to her husband, although they also have a baby and the same age. Here you need to take into account the child’s behavior (not all children are capricious and require a lot of attention). A young mother can look good and do well if her mother or her husband helps her. Only a few manage to do everything on their own.

crisis in the family after the birth of a child

Thanks to the Ursa Major school of conscious parenting for Katerina Murashova’s main theses about children’s crises. Here they are: the first year of a child’s life is one continuous crisis. The main question of this period: is the world happy with me or not? The child makes a decision, and it all depends on the receiving party.

Murashova says that not a single psychologist in the world knows how to treat the trauma of this period, that is, correct the position of basic distrust in the world. “Just imagine,” says Katerina, “that children read the emotional state of their parents and change their behavior to suit this state within four (!) hours after birth.”

As an example, Ekaterina Murashova talks about abandoned babies from an orphanage - those “bags” that doctors simply wore tied to their own bodies survived. The conclusions are obvious.

After a year - the first crisis of “you can’t” “you can” VS “you can’t”: a program for setting boundaries is written in the baby’s head. The child explores the reaction of the creator of prohibitions to violation of the prohibition in three ways:

1) direct aggression (“Give it to me! Otherwise I’ll break my head!”), 2) whining, 3) manipulation.

The main question of this period: how does everything work? How can I “make” my legislators (resist them)? To what limit to test? Memo for parents: these are not just the words “keep calm”, “insist on your own” - this is an understanding of the mechanism of such behavior. It is not the child who is mocking you, but the biological program that is mocking him .

Murashova gives a great example: before you get angry at your child, imagine that you got a new job and decided to go out for a smoke. But you don’t know how to speak, because you work, for example, in a Japanese office and don’t know the language. What will you do? First, smoke on the street, then in the entrance, then in the corridor on the floor, then on the threshold of the office, and then right at your workplace. And so it will be until the fire department comes and fines you for violating safety regulations. And then you will feel the boundaries and rules without words.

The child’s biological program operates similarly. She forces him to go on an endless exploration of the world around him (while this is your apartment) in order to form an idea of ​​​​the boundaries of what is permitted by the age of one and a half years. So don't be lazy to install them. This is the only possible way of evolution. From one and a half to five years is a unique stage in the free development of creativity!

The choice is yours, but this is what Katerina Murashova warns about - if you want to kill freedom and creativity in your child, follow these points: - allow a lot and do not stand up for boundaries, - teach reading, writing and recognizing integrals from the age of four, then long before school your The child will firmly understand: no flights of fancy, one solution for one problem.

According to Murashova, the intelligence of a preschooler is not measured by the number of letters of the alphabet and ABC words learned. There are only two points (markers). Firstly, the complexity of the role-playing game, which the child can organize and implement independently. The more difficult this game is, the higher the intelligence (you can help and stimulate it at all stages). Secondly, the complexity of the questions asked by a child aged 3 - 4.5 years. This is the time of the first existential crisis.

During this period, the child’s worldview begins to form. A marker of crisis is the question: “Mom, are you going to die?” The main question of this period: “How does this world work?” Katerina Murashova suggests the only correct answer: it's time to collect stones! Describe your own worldview without lying, decide by the age of five on your own principles: who are you with, Muslims or Buddhists, patriots or cosmopolitans, white ribbon people or United Russia members (just kidding)?! We need to on this ! But sometimes we spend half our lives holding a streamlined position on many issues.

A five-year-old child is an important stage of working on oneself and on one’s own concepts of good and evil, good and bad, black and white. The child needs a base, and he looks for it in the person of his parents.

Seven years - no crisis! Katerina Murashova is sure: if the child has gone through the previous stages correctly, then the so-called school crisis is an explanation imposed by our culture for the enduring difficulties that are layered on top of each other at this moment. If there is a “school crisis,” spin the tangle of problems in the opposite direction.

10-11 years old - fantasies in the head. Don’t be alarmed if your child suddenly decides that he is not yours, he was replaced by gypsies in the maternity hospital or thrown from Mars by aliens, or maybe he is even a prince of blue blood. Katerina Murashova suggests treating these thoughts with absolute calm: this is how it should be, and everything will pass in a year.

Let's move on - teenage crisis. This is perhaps the scariest stage in any parent's fantasy, and our imaginary viewers on the theme of the teenage crisis probably turned up the volume and stuck to the screen. Katerina hits not the eyebrow, but the eye: “There is no teenage crisis! And period!”

“In our culture,” says Katerina, “the cycle and process of initiation is disrupted. For girls, menstruation reminds them of growing up. With boys it’s more difficult, but there is a chance to understand the request correctly.” According to Murashova, the problem with teenagers is that they cannot formulate exactly what they want - they simply begin to protest, and parents often cannot figure out the wording of the request.

Katerina translates teenage difficulties of self-expression into understandable language: a teenager demands not independence, but a revision of the contract. Yesterday there was a child, today he wants to become an adult. In fact, the umbilical cord stretched and stretched and now reached such a ringing tension that it began to cause pain on both sides (after all, the mother’s anxiety also reaches its limit at some point).

In this case, it's time to sit down at the negotiating table. The essence of this period: to reconsider the child-parent relationship into an adult-adult relationship, that is, the usual “we pooped” should be rewritten to “you and I went to the restroom.” Discuss the terms of the agreement on a mutually voluntary basis, and as a test of readiness for adult life, offer your son an initiation option - nailing a curtain rod, for example!

Disagreements in raising a child

Discord may also arise due to differences in views on raising a child. The mother wants to put the baby to sleep next to her, the husband only wants the baby to sleep in the crib. Or a mother wants to dress her son only in a blue outfit. But my husband considers this an outdated stereotype. There can be many similar disagreements about a child.

It often happens that a young mother believes that her husband does not know how to care for the baby, that he could accidentally harm him. Therefore, she herself does not allow her husband to see the child. And he places the entire responsibility for caring for the baby on his own shoulders. As a result, they are greatly exhausted physically and emotionally, and the accumulated fatigue is splashed out in the form of aggression on the husband.

Grievances

Spouses often accumulate resentment towards each other. And there is no free time to talk and find out everything. As a result, the accumulated negativity may one day result in a major scandal. For example, a woman may believe that her husband does not help her much, and her husband may be offended by the lack of attention from his beloved.

If you do not solve emerging problems immediately, but give them the opportunity to accumulate, then you will not be able to solve them at once. Since fatigue and resentment will not give the opportunity to make the right decision regarding the problems that arise. Spouses must not forget that with the birth of a child they are now a full-fledged young family. And they must solve emerging problems together. If you pull the burden alone and accumulate grievances, then this is no longer a family, and such a union will most likely fall apart.

Crisis of the birth of the first child

Why do so many marriages break up in the first year after the birth of a child?

Such married couples come to me. Each brings their own pain and disappointment in their spouse and continues to swear during the consultation.

When I start asking them clarifying questions about their expectations from family, friends, etc. – they sometimes turn to each other in surprise, hearing many things for the first time from their spouse.

I would like to explain to young families a little about what stages a family goes through, and why they, people who love each other, feel so unbearable and bad from each other.

Let's consider the first stages of the family:

1. The couple gets to know each other. They fall in love. Meet the parents. They create their own family.

Tasks of this stage: Young people must agree not only with each other on how they will live together and by what rules. They must also agree with their parents, or rather, agree on how they will get along with each other. A young couple must build the boundaries of their subsystem, and often the parental family resists this.

At this moment, the family experiences its first crisis, faces the distribution of roles and responsibilities, and forms its own traditions and rules. (For now, we don’t take into account couples who live with their parents; more on that another time).

1. Next, a child is born in the family. This is also a period of crisis for all family members, including the parents of the couple. Again it is necessary to agree on who does what and who is responsible for what.
2. The birth of a second child in the family. This stage is quite mild, because She repeats in many ways the previous stage and does not bring anything radically new into the family, except childish jealousy.

Let's stop here for now. And let’s look at what happens in most families at the stage of the birth of the first child.

If you noticed, I wrote above that at this stage of the relationship it is necessary to renegotiate. Now, most couples don't do this. They had already agreed to live together earlier and decided that this was how it should be further. But when a baby is born, everything changes, which means the rules, roles and responsibilities must change.

It is advisable, while still waiting for the baby, to sit down and draw up a new “contract” - a new agreement - How we will live when the child is born. Talk about who will be responsible for what, when who will have free time, what mom and dad will do in the family, and what they will do together. How will grandparents be included in the process of family life and raising a child?

It is also important to understand that with the birth of a child, each parent has a second social role in the family - I am the Parent. Before this there was only – I-Spouse. And now there are two of them, you and your spouse and parents.

Unfortunately, when a child is born, in most families marital relationships disappear and are completely replaced by parental ones. This then leads to scandals, betrayals and mutual claims.

What happens to men : they feel thrown out of the boat as men. They do not have sexual relations with their spouse, even often he has to sleep separately because his place is taken by the baby. He doesn’t quite understand why he is needed at all, what is required of him. As a man, he is definitely lonely. Wild resentment towards my wife.

What happens to a woman : fatigue, lack of sleep and the feeling that she cannot rely on her husband - after all, he is never around, and when he is around, he doesn’t really help. The feeling that the child is only hers and a wild resentment towards her husband.

At the same time, the emotional background and feelings of both spouses are quite similar.

What to do?

1. Agree in advance about the changes that await you after the birth of your baby. And how you will live. How will you raise your child?
2. Remember that you are still spouses. And sometimes spend time together, asking relatives for help in looking after the child. Talk not only about the child and his upbringing, but be interested in each other. Find time to please each other.
3. Lean on each other in raising a child. And stick to the general concept. So that you don't have any discrepancies.
4. Remember that your spouse is the best dad/best mother for your baby.
5. Periodically remember why you chose each other and why you still choose each other.

Good luck to you in your family life!

How to avoid a relationship crisis after the birth of a child?

The relationship between spouses changes after the birth of the baby. But some families cope with problems on their own and gradually their lives flow into a calm direction without scandals and quarrels. And there are couples whose family life ends as soon as the baby is born.

How to prevent your relationship with your husband from deteriorating after the birth of a child? Recommendations could be the following:

• The husband often does not understand why his wife is tired when she sits at home with the child. And he doesn’t understand his wife’s tenderness over the baby when he comes home tired from work. Here, a woman must definitely include her husband in the process of raising a child. He should be told what achievements the child made during the day. It is necessary to give time for the father and child to be alone. If possible, you should ask your husband to help care for the baby.
• If a wife has changed after the birth of a child due to postpartum depression, then she and her husband must make efforts to eliminate it. You can visit a psychologist, use medications. Since if the mother is in such a state, the child also feels it, at this time he becomes whiny and does not give his parents any rest from his crying.
• Include grandparents in the process of raising a child. They will only be happy to sit with the little one. At this time, the mother herself can simply relax, visit a beauty salon, spend time with her husband (for example, take a walk in the park or go to the cinema). Thus, fatigue and aggression will not accumulate in both spouses.
• Not the least of the causes of discord is sex. There are also such statements from men: “I don’t want a wife after giving birth.” The reason may be the wife’s not entirely attractive new figure (excess weight, stretch marks, and so on). Here you need to be patient. The figure will return to normal within a year, and if a woman also has time to go to the gym, she will be able to return to her former shape faster. Don't immediately look to the side. This is the sure death of a marriage. Women can also refuse intimate relationships for the same reason (they are embarrassed about their figure) or fatigue will take its toll. It is important to avoid going without sex for a long time. If it is not there, you need a frank conversation about why one of the spouses avoids love affection and try to solve the problem together.
• Be sure to find time to talk with each other. You can have a heart-to-heart talk once a week, express what you are not happy with and what you need help with. There is no need to accumulate grievances for months. Since grievances will be superimposed on one another. But it won’t be possible to solve a whole bunch of problems in one conversation, and it can be difficult to immediately remember everything that your spouse is not happy with in their new family life.
• You can distribute housework and baby care work in advance. It is possible to alternate by weeks or every other day. For example, after the birth of a baby, a woman sometimes just wants to go buy bread alone, while her tired husband sits with the child and plays with blocks, both of them will be happy. Properly distributed responsibilities will help save time for rest and communication with each other.
• It’s good if a young family, before the birth of a child, gets acquainted with the advice of psychologists on the topic of the birth of the first child in the family. Then you can know in advance what problems you might encounter and try to avoid them.
• Talk to your husband not only about the baby (how he ate, slept, how many times he smiled), you need to ask about things at work, show how you miss him, and so on. A man should ask his wife how the day went, what new things the child learned to do that day, and so on.
• It is advisable to discuss the process of raising a child in advance: where he will sleep, what tone the children's room will be decorated in, and even the child's name. Then there will be no further scandals on this topic.

How to restore harmony in the family

Motherhood and parenthood require moral and physical dedication. But to give, you need to be filled. First of all, this concerns mothers, because women devote themselves to motherhood without reserve. What to do to be in a resourceful state:

1. First of all, mom needs to find time for herself. Let it be a couple of hours a week, when it is possible to leave the baby in the care of assistants. A manicure, procedures to restore your figure after childbirth, moments of relaxation in the bath or a jog in the park will help lift your spirits. Every woman knows what brings her pleasure. So allow yourself the luxury of taking a couple of hours a week for yourself.
2. When regular communication with yourself has been established, begin to establish contact with your husband. Yes, it is difficult for a woman who has been accumulating resentment against her husband for a long time to be the first to show care and love. But we need to understand that we cannot control the emotions that are born in us. We can only control our reaction to current circumstances. Choose a calm and conscious attitude towards negative situations, then it will be easier to cope with them.
3. After the birth of a child, dad feels like a third wheel; he lacks attention. His detachment is nothing more than a protest against circumstances and a way to escape reality. So let your husband know that he is needed: ask for help with the child, and don’t forget to thank him for it. The role of the father and head of the family is primarily to provide financial support for the family. Emphasize its importance in this matter.
4. Don't forget about the intimate side of your relationship with your husband. From now on and forever you are parents. But first and foremost, you are spouses. Behind a heap of problems, routines and everyday life, it is difficult to maintain the intimacy and trepidation of relationships. And hormones after childbirth work to reduce libido. But it must be artificially raised. A little sport for fun, nice clothes, new lipstick, a relaxing massage and a couple of compliments will do the trick.
5. The first rule for resolving conflicts within the family is to discuss the problem before you want to start a scandal. It’s easier to express complaints in a calm environment than to keep them to yourself until the boiling point comes.

The video reveals the psychologist's opinion about the crisis in relationships after childbirth.

Letting a relationship with your husband take its course and living for the sake of your children is a thankless task. Firstly, children follow the example of their parents and repeat their fate. Secondly, no one will be grateful to you for such sacrifices. Relationships can be saved if both spouses are aware of the problem and are ready to do everything to solve it.

The child was born. How to save a relationship?

Young parents should prepare in advance for the birth of their child. If possible, then go to friends or relatives who already have small children. Assess in advance all the troubles that lie ahead.

How to maintain love after the birth of a child? You need to be each other’s support and support after the birth of a child, and not outweigh your responsibilities. It is imperative to create a schedule for the first time. It states who does what around the house. This is necessary so that both parents have time to relax. Mom gets tired from fussing with the child and doing housework, and dad gets tired from work.

Quarrels most often occur due to the accumulation of fatigue and lack of attention between spouses. It is imperative to involve grandmothers or other relatives to help with the baby. It is also worth learning from those who already have similar experience.

Don't forget about sex. Intimacy promotes the production of happiness hormones and energizes you with health. If there is no sex, then aggression will accumulate. If one of the spouses is not eager and avoids lovemaking, then you need to look for the reason together. There shouldn’t be such a thing in a family that after the birth of a child you don’t want closeness.

You must remember to spend time every day for yourself and your significant other. You can communicate while your child is playing, on a walk, in the evening while your spouse is having dinner, and just before bed. You need to constantly let them know that love remains the same, it’s just that the child takes time and energy from both parents. But soon everything will fall into place as soon as the baby becomes more independent. Be sure to love and respect: yourself, your child and your spouse. After all, only together can we cope with all the difficulties that arise.

Advice for young parents

Young parents who are at a loss because of the impending changes can be given some advice.

Try to entrust your baby to someone close to you for a while

And find a quiet place outside the home where you can talk directly and frankly with each other. Share what each of you feels, tell us about all your grievances and disappointments, feelings of helplessness and fear. This time can be especially difficult for fathers who do not have as close a bond with the child as the mother. The father also wants to feel that he is needed and useful. And the woman playing the main role in this situation must give him a place next to him.

Express what you expect from the other person

This may make you reconsider your attitude towards yourself and your spouse and will give you strength for further life together. After such a frank conversation, try, if not daily, then regularly set aside time to discuss your problems and schedule some interesting event for the two of you every week. This will help to establish more harmonious relationships.

Another difficulty that may arise during this period is the fear of losing one’s own independence and independence.

“When will I have some time for myself?” This is a question that young parents often ask themselves in order not to feel completely dependent on the child, it is worth thinking: is it possible to organize time more rationally? And to do this, express your wishes and ask for help from your spouse (and later from other family members). Surely the situation will change as soon as you discuss this issue and can plan your time together.

Think about whether you contradict yourself or each other in your feelings and actions

If yes, then try to understand the reasons for this. Many people perceive the crisis situation associated with the birth of a child as a test of endurance. However, it is better to view it as a problem that requires a solution: how can two loving people direct their energy to cooperation, for the benefit of everyone, in the interests of each other and their children? Don't forget that when we are calm and attentive, we can solve a lot of things.

Often parenting becomes so difficult and takes so much energy that married life fades into the background.

If the parents do not realize this, the child has had a hard time. He becomes the only reason that parents do not divorce. The child may be directly or indirectly blamed for all family difficulties: “If it weren’t for you, everything would have turned out better for us.”

Depression after childbirth. The reasons for its occurrence

Men often note that their wife has changed after the birth of their child. For example, that she has become aggressive or, conversely, that she is now not interested in anything, that she practically never has a smile on her face. And sometimes it’s not a matter of fatigue from household chores. Perhaps the young mother began to experience postpartum depression.

Causes of depression after childbirth:

• a long absence of normal sleep, the body is exhausted, and the nervous system refuses to work normally;
• spouse and relatives do not help in raising the child;
• financial instability;
• a sharp change in hormonal levels after childbirth, iron deficiency;
• long absence of sex before and after childbirth;
• dramatic changes not for the better: at work with the husband, in living conditions, the death of one of the close relatives, and so on;
• long stay in a confined space of a house or apartment;
• severe weight gain and dissatisfaction with body image after childbirth;
• serious health problems in the baby;
• the mother is very worried that she is not properly caring for the baby, and considers herself not yet ready for motherhood;
• fatigue and worries accumulated during pregnancy, especially if it was difficult.

After the birth of a child, a man must remember that a child is much harder for a woman than for him. And this is due to hormonal changes in the body (during conception, in preparation for childbirth, after the birth of a child). Because of hormones, women worry greatly throughout pregnancy about the health of the baby and whether they will cope with childbirth. Therefore, after the birth of a child, a malfunction may occur in the body. Then the husband, and not the psychologist, will be the best person to improve the health of the young mother.

What to do during a family crisis?

We have prepared some tips to help a married couple survive a relationship crisis or avoid it altogether.

For men:

1 Getting used to the changed behavior and appearance of your loved one is a really important, but difficult task.

You must understand that now your wife has become a completely different person.

This is especially pronounced during pregnancy and the first months after childbirth. A woman experiences too much emotional stress, so it is not at all surprising that sometimes she herself does not know what she wants. Learn to take into account the condition and desires of your spouse. Perhaps soon you will begin to detect your wife’s whims earlier than they happen.

2 Your beloved needs to understand that you are a strong and accomplished man, ready to take responsibility for a now large and strong family. Many women tend to plague themselves with doubts, especially in such difficult times.

Sometimes women unknowingly resort to various provocations, which, in their opinion, should prove your love. After which, as a rule, conflict ensues.

Try to behave with dignity during these periods. Do not take negative messages seriously, because in fact, all this is a simple desire for love and understanding.

3 During a period of strong hormonal surge, a woman cannot always adequately evaluate her actions. This is a truly natural phenomenon. And if you think your spouse is acting like a child, don't stop being an adult.

4 Don't get caught up in the role of "breadwinner". Your responsibility now is not only to work, pay, solve business issues, but also to listen and give advice. Dialogue is the best way to resolve any conflict situations.

For women:

1 Feel the beauty of your situation. Do not resist all the natural changes that occur in your body and mind. How vividly you experience the happiness of being a mother largely depends on the psychological attitude you give yourself in advance.

2 Don't be shy about being weak. Ask for help or attention if you need it. Talk about your experiences calmly, in simple words, without turning to pure emotions, and your partner will be happy to listen to you.

3 Maternity leave is not a reason to withdraw into yourself and live solely in anticipation of a new addition to the family. Take advantage of your free time and get some rest. Your body requires relaxation and positive emotions. If you wish, create an atmosphere of comfort and warmth in your home. If you feel that the time spent within four walls is only making you worse, walk more, meet friends, make pleasant purchases.

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Don't beat yourself up for taking time for yourself. This will benefit both you and your family relationships.

Expectant mothers do not need to limit themselves in their needs (except for doctor's advice). Remember that a pregnant woman is not sick. She can do everything that a healthy woman can (of course, except for tobacco, alcoholic beverages, drugs and heavy physical activity, but this is not recommended for a healthy woman either). Do not forget that your husband also needs your care and love, and the future baby is not only yours, he is yours together.

How to recognize depression after childbirth? Signs

Not all mothers and relatives can immediately recognize the emerging disease. And therefore the condition can worsen day by day. This can go away on its own if the depression occurs in a superficial form. It is enough for a young mother to get used to her new position.

Signs of depression in a young mother:

• apathy towards everything that happens;
• irritation at the child’s crying and whims;
• increased anxiety about the baby’s condition;
• hysterics and reluctance to communicate with loved ones and husband;
• lack of normal appetite;
• dissatisfaction with appearance;
• unstable sleep;
• a sharp decrease in immunity;
• refusal of intimate relationships.

In severe forms, even suicide attempts are possible. In such cases, the help of a specialist is required. A woman will recover faster if she is surrounded by a loving husband and the support of relatives.

How to get out of depression?

How to get out of postpartum depression? The very first thing to do is give time to rest. A minimum of 7 hours of quality and healthy sleep is required. You can take sleeping pills, but during lactation you need to choose medications so as not to harm the baby. It is better to express milk in advance to feed your baby.

After the girl gets enough sleep and puts her thoughts in order, you need to find out what is bothering her. After consulting with a doctor, you can choose sedatives or teas/decoctions. It is necessary to try to protect the young mother from stress.

It is necessary to reconsider the daily routine of the young mother and her menu. Because a lack of essential vitamins can also be a cause of depression. It is advisable for a woman to eat every time after breastfeeding. This is useful for both mother and baby. The baby is just sleeping after feeding, you can eat food calmly. And then do household chores or relax next to the baby.

You can persuade a woman to play sports in her free time and record her achievements, or push her to take up a new interesting hobby. For example, learn to knit and make your own clothes for your baby.

Advice from a psychologist for postpartum depression

Since women, under the influence of hormones, experience pregnancy and the birth of a baby more emotionally, the spouse and relatives should help the woman prepare for upcoming motherhood. It is better if the preparation takes place together with your husband.

Be sure to help the young mother care for the baby and run the household. Don't let her do everything herself. Even if a woman says that she is not tired. Over time, the body can become exhausted, and this will all result in postpartum depression. And she will express herself in irritation at the child’s crying and even simple remarks from her husband, which will begin to spoil the relationship after the birth of the child. It is obligatory to praise the wife, say that she is beautiful and she is doing great. Give time to rest, even if the woman is against it. She can sleep while her husband walks with the baby during the day. And taking evening walks together is good for sleep for the entire young family.

Intimacy is a good way to relieve depression; the surge of hormones will strengthen a woman’s mental state and increase her self-esteem. But you shouldn’t put pressure on your spouse. You can gradually achieve sexual contact with caresses.

In no case should you shift all responsibilities onto your wife and look for excuses that there is a lot to do at work and at home and you need time to rest. The wife gets tired caring for the baby, no less than the husband. We must not forget to thank the spouse for the birth of the baby, since nowadays not every woman is ready to ruin her figure and nerves for the sake of having a child. And even more so, lose years and the opportunity to build a career.

Problems after the birth of a child occur in every family. In some people they occur almost unnoticed, but in others they are pronounced. The situation can be greatly aggravated by depression after childbirth in a young mother. In this state, she cannot soberly assess the situation, and things may lead to divorce.

How having a child changes family life

In Russia, about half of all marriages break up every year. Moreover, most divorces occur in the third or fourth year of marriage, as well as the first year of the life of the couple’s child. The inability to have children causes divorce in only eight percent of cases.

So yes, the birth of a child will definitely affect the quality of family life. This is evidenced by many studies conducted over the past 30 years. The results of many of them tell us that couples who have just become parents feel half as satisfied with their married life compared to childless spouses.

Educational program

“The appearance of a child does not create new reasons for quarrels”

The main reasons for dissatisfaction among spouses with children are hormonal changes in a woman’s life, sleep deprivation, temporary decline in sexual activity, decreased interest in each other and a sharp transition from romantic relationships to domestic ones. Not everyone is ready for the changes that the birth of a child inevitably entails - lack of time for each other, lack of energy to maintain romantic interest, large expenditures of mental and material resources to establish a connection with the child.

“Having children is always a complete transformation of relationships. Roles are changing, a new paradigm is being created. Add here the need to take care of a new person 24/7. For many, this comes as a real shock, especially when one partner is constantly waiting for something from the other,” says Caroline Pirak, director of the project, which is run by the Gottman Institute.

Philip Cowan, professor of psychology and director of the Institute of Human Development at the University of California, Berkeley, and his wife Carolyn Pap Cowan, an associate professor of psychology at Berkeley, have been studying the impact of having a child on marriage since 1975. Interestingly, they were inspired to conduct a large-scale study by difficulties in the family - they began to notice that their children had somewhat reduced the quality of their marital life.

That's when they decided to start the Family Formation Project, tracking couples from pregnancy until their children started kindergarten. In 1990, they began their next project, “Schoolchildren and Their Families,” studying the further development of families with children. The work was completed in 2005, when the children graduated from high school.

According to psychologists, 92 percent of couples who took part in the first study admitted that the level of tension and the number of conflicts in their marriage increased after the birth of a child. By the time the children from the “experimental” families were one and a half years old, on average, one in four couples admitted that the marriage was on the verge of collapse. Moreover, 13 percent of young parents had already announced separation or divorce by that time.

The Gottman Institute found that most new mothers are dissatisfied with their married life in the first four months after giving birth. At the same time, fathers' dissatisfaction increases by about nine months of the baby's life. By the time a child is three years old, half of the two-thirds of couples who admit their marriage has suffered as a result of having a child are well on their way to divorce.

According to Philip Cowan, in couples who managed to maintain a relationship, the level of anxiety and tension due to children gradually decreases (for example, by the time the child already goes to school, depressive moods in the family dissipate), but the degree of irritation and dissatisfaction of the spouses each other is still growing, since the erosion of relations is cumulative.

However, among those who participated in the Kowanawa study, there were those who were able to cope with the difficulties associated with having children and strengthened their marriages over the years of living together and raising offspring.

The psychologist believes that the secret to the success of a relationship after the birth of a child is the ability to improve the decision-making process. “We are not talking about couples who have any particular problems in their relationship, after all, everyone has problems. I'm talking about the fact that the birth of a child leads to disagreements and the need to discuss a variety of topics. So, the ability of spouses to do this, cooperating and respecting each other, is what helps keep the marriage strong,” says the professor.

The birth of children shows us problem areas in our marriage, and our task is not to pretend that there are no difficulties, but to work on eliminating them if we want to live happily ever after with each other. Only happy spouses can become happy parents.