After a divorce, a woman very often remains in a state of complete abstraction from real life. This state manifests itself in the fact that everything that happens is consciously relegated to the background. The most important thing is to search for the reasons for the divorce and try to participate in the life of your ex-husband in different ways. The time of strong emotional experiences is always individual. But for every woman, this is the time of transition from a state of unpreparedness for divorce to a state of readiness. At this time, events fit into the following characteristic scenario.
How to become friends with your ex: step-by-step instructions
If you want to become friends with your ex-boyfriend, follow these instructions:
1. Spend time apart
A lot of time. Don't turn your breakup into 17 mini-breakups by continuing to hurt each other the same way just because you like to see it. Block him on social networks and delete him from your phone. Save yourself from going crazy with jealousy, resentment, and longing for the past every time you come across his name.
And don’t allow yourself to resume communication, because it will all end in the same place: in his apartment. Resist the temptation to retain any power over his life. Because you are capable of it. Because you don't really need him, but you also can't let him be with someone else.
2. Humble yourself
Make peace with the fact that it will only be possible to bring your ex back into your digital life when you no longer feel the need to contact him, when his name is just a name on your friends list without causing a twinge of pain in your heart. No matter how long it takes you, wait. There is no need to bring him back into your life until you are ready.
3. Don't think
Forget about what he does, don’t ask, don’t find out about him from your mutual friends, trying to disguise your interest with innocent questions about three more acquaintances, trying not to betray your despair. Learn to distinguish between caring for someone and having a strange, lingering possessive feeling about them—because it's definitely the latter. Let the news about your ex really surprise you months later because you were too busy with your life. “Oh, they got engaged? Great". Be sincere. Rejoice with all your heart, as you would for a member of your family.
4. Fall in love
To a new person, a job, to a new city. Do it only for yourself, without a single thought that someone might be jealous of you, or how it will look on social networks. Don't turn your life into a performance, don't do it to prove that you are the one who "gained" from this breakup. Realize that gaining from a breakup is a pretty pointless idea, and feel embarrassed that it was once important to you.
Just enjoy and feel that you don’t need to categorize everything that happens in your life into “Before him” and “After him”, because you are important enough on your own. And the feeling that in the eyes of others you are not standing still is not worth half the satisfaction that real movement forward brings.
5. Check out where he lives
Maybe two years later, maybe ten. It all depends on how much time you need (firstly, because you had to remove him from your emotional life; and secondly, time passed before you ended up somewhere in one place).
6. Contact him or let him do it
It doesn't matter who takes the initiative. The important thing is that time has passed and you no longer have to worry about doing or saying something being “weird.” Exchange messages like this: “How about having a drink?” or “No see for ages! I was so glad to hear about [your wedding, new job, new life completely without me]!”
Be sincerely glad to meet you, because now that you are free from the need to control all his actions, not allowing your ex to be even one percent happier or more successful than you, you will understand that you really like him.
7. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place
Let it be something completely platonic. He knows how to make you laugh, and that's a great quality to have in a friend. He knows how to listen, and that's exactly what you need. You have a lot of memories together, which is great for when you want to get nostalgic. Realize that loving someone for their objectively great qualities does not mean that person has to be your one and only. Spend an evening or a few hours during the day together, laughing and chatting. Perhaps with or without mutual friends.
8. When saying goodbye, hug without wanting anything more.
Do this without dreaming of him hugging you a little longer than expected. Free yourself from the ghosts you still drag along with you. And be happy knowing that there is someone in the world who shares a piece of common history with you, but who is not at all obliged to share the future with you in the same way. Look at him as a new friend, someone you can always chat with whenever you're both in the same place. Realize that, if anything, you enjoy being friends with him even more than being in a relationship.
From: Thoughtcatalog.com.
Photo: Pinterest.com.
The first phase is “disbelief in what is happening”
The main question a woman asks in this phase is: “When will he return?” The mind refuses to accept a different development of events. I would like to believe that everything is not happening to you, that your spouse is about to come to his senses and come to his senses. At the same time, there are attempts to find an answer to the question of what moment in your life became a turning point in the relationship, what specific situation became the reason for the breakup. During this period, you want the support of loved ones who are ready to listen for hours to your arguments and reasoning about finding the reasons for the breakdown of your marriage...
How to work with your ex
No matter how many times they repeat that office romance ends funny only in films, almost everyone has had something similar. And then comes that awkward moment when the relationship is over, but you have to work somehow. Another incident happens: we met in a completely different format, ran away, almost forgot, or vice versa, the heart wounds are still fresh, and suddenly there is a newcomer to the office. Exactly the one (or she) whom you least want to see every day! How to behave? The main thing, according to psychologist Natalya Shevchenko, is not to make one of the five classic mistakes.
No. 1. Quit.
Why? Is it worth it? Of course, psychological comfort is important, but if you work in a good job with a decent salary and prospects for career growth, you can’t just give up everything. If there was an “office romance” and your personal life has already mixed with work, you shouldn’t let it harm your future. In addition, separation is stressful; there is no need to aggravate it with the stress of changing jobs.
How to cope? Postpone the “escape.” Tell yourself that you will write a letter of resignation, but only when you have exhausted all other ways to get out of this situation. Perhaps in a year you will remember with a laugh how you wanted to quit everything, but now the person in the next office no longer means anything to you - just an employee.
No. 2. Fight.
Why? Sometimes the first instinct tells you that the “ex-partner” needs to survive. Or maybe the breakup was simply so painful that you don’t want to say a kind word, but unkind phrases, “insults” and lists of sins have accumulated. Especially if you were not the initiator of the breakup. Here it is - a reason to express everything to the “traitor”. If you decide to openly quarrel, be prepared for the fact that some of your work colleagues will support your “ex.” People love “romance series”, so they will try to find out the details of your breakup, and also gossip about which of you is to blame, and place bets on “who will win.” In order not to be left alone “under fire”, you will have to start your own support group. And soon they were divided into parts as fans of different teams. Do you need it? Or “yours” will start having a nice conversation with the “ex” in order to still establish a working relationship, and you will feel deceived.
How to cope? Even if you parted as enemies, try not to sort things out, and also not to insult each other in front of someone. This is simply contrary to business ethics and will ultimately harm everyone. Avoiding frequent contact is enough - and much calmer for the nervous system. And if you need to speak out about work, speak without getting personal. No “you’ll wear out anyone’s nerves” or “he’s still a bungler.”
Even if you have a good opinion of your ex-partner, don't be surprised if he starts to quarrel first. People change, nerves break in a stressful situation. There are times when the “enemy” begins to report to his superiors about the ex-partner’s mistakes in work, lateness and other mistakes. Try to do your job flawlessly so that no one can undermine you.
No. 3. Trying to start all over again.
Why? Of course, feelings cannot be turned off with a snap of your fingers. And if you see a person every day, they can come to life - and nostalgia will wash over you. Let's say a business relationship has been established, and the ex-partner behaves quite correctly. You may begin to become re-fascinated by the qualities that once attracted you. And – the strategy of seduction or “capture” begins. You dress up for work as if for a holiday, catch every word of such an important person for you, ignore work assignments and dissatisfied glances from your superiors, trying to catch his eye... You see hints in such prosaic phrases as “We were instructed to make a presentation together” or “ You have a report ready.” Not only does this hassle knock you out of working order, the “ex” will also soon feel that “hunting season” is open for him. If he is ready to return, there will be a happy ending, but for some reason they happen mainly in Hollywood films. In other cases, this person has already forgotten you, he has unpleasant memories, or he has someone now and does not want to change anything. The more expectations and attempts to hold on one side, the greater the desire to break free and tension on the other. The maximum is for the person to quit. But this is not the case when this is exactly what you want.
How to cope? Control yourself. A few hints, a demonstration that you care about the person, you miss him and are ready to forget all past troubles - maximum. If a person understands and does not react to these “advances,” why become a laughing stock among his colleagues (the story of Olenka “in creepy roses” from “Office Romance” is always modern). If he doesn’t understand point-blank, why do you need such a “blind” partner?
No. 4. “Have an affair” before his eyes
Why? Maybe you have long wanted revenge. And - here it is, a wonderful case: the “ex” will not go anywhere, and will be forced to contemplate your happiness with someone else. To do this, you will have to start a new “office romance”, and even demonstrate it quite openly. By the way, sometimes this is also done by those who want to return a person by inflaming jealousy in him. But if you knock out wedge with wedge, the relationship will also turn out... clinical. Almost no one manages to build something serious “for show”. As a result, you will remain in a company with two ex-partners. Don't expect them to organize your fan club. More often, there are unions of offended, revengeful women (if you are a man) or unions of men drinking peacefully together and hinting to others about your inappropriate behavior (if you are a woman).
How to cope? Give up with all your heart the desire to return love or fight to the death (see #2 and #3), and then this option will not even occur to you.
No. 5. Consider him “your person”
Why? There have been many cultures in world history where multiple sexual relationships were encouraged: it was believed that people had become related and would now help each other more, protect each other more faithfully, and in the end everyone would benefit. The same fantasy arises in some people who meet someone at work whom they “know as a flaky guy.” What should you hide from a person you saw naked and remember which side he likes to sleep on? Once you trusted him, then something went wrong, and now all that remains are just pleasant memories and trust, as if in a relative. More often, such an illusion occurs in someone who has broken off a relationship. And he easily makes business proposals, because he remembers a person’s strengths and weaknesses, tries to find out about local intrigues, confides in unseemly secrets and asks for help. It’s worth taking a closer look first - with all the outward goodwill, the person could have a grudge against you. And everything is not as cloudless in his memories as in yours. And even if he is above revenge, then he will decide to kick your pride without a twinge of conscience.
How to cope? Stay within the bounds of professional communication. Try to build a relationship (we are talking purely about business relationships) anew, as if you knew this person recently. After all, it may have changed dramatically over the years. And even if the ex-partner is still the same, sex is not a reason to demand any services or favors. And if a person still has fresh feelings for you, and you don’t need it, taking advantage of this is simply manipulation unworthy of you. Repeat the mantra: “it’s just a colleague.”
Sex with ex-partner2
There are situations when two loving people, due to everyday problems, cannot live together. Each day spent together ends in a huge scandal, followed by a stormy sexual reconciliation. Such relationships cannot last long and, ultimately, the couple will come to separation.
Finding a good sexual partner who will completely satisfy you is quite difficult. So why not maintain a friendly relationship with your ex for the occasional good sex?
Most often, women become the initiators of friendly sex after a breakup. In this way they try to either return the man or show him that he will have no one better in bed. A man agrees to such an adventure only because of the available free sex. Why not? There is no need to invite you on a date, pay for dinner, or give gifts. Sometimes you don’t even have to take off your socks.
If former lovers did not have time to start a new relationship, then there is nothing wrong with friendly sex. Firstly, both partners know exactly how to please each other, and, secondly, their sexual relationship is not overshadowed by everyday problems and joint financial difficulties.
A couple who decides to periodically engage in intimate intimacy with each other must follow a few simple rules:
- Be sure to protect yourself. Friendly sex implies an open relationship. That is, none of the partners can be sure of the intimate health of their former lover. Using a condom will also protect against unwanted pregnancy. After all, if a couple has decided to separate, it means that the feelings between them have faded away. Therefore, pregnancy will be unwanted in any case.
- Don't be jealous. It is necessary to clearly separate sex and emotional relationships. If your ex-partner decides to stop intimate meetings, you should not contradict him.
- Be sure to warn about new relationships. If one of the “sexy friends” has decided to build a new relationship and has already found a suitable candidate for this, he must definitely tell it.
- You must understand that sooner or later past grievances will surface between you. If both partners want to continue to remain “bed friends,” they should clearly distinguish between the past and the present. You should not allow situations where accumulated negative emotions spill out. Otherwise, intimacy will be overshadowed by constant showdowns.
Business partners
If you don’t know how to work with your ex, choose this line of behavior.
Remember that a modern business woman is distinguished by such character traits as composure, integrity and restraint. Imagine that in front of you is not your ex-lover, but simply a partner of equal status, with whom you must behave politely and with dignity. Never get personal, be as objective as possible. Be sure that he will repay you in the same coin. In the eyes of others, you will look in a very favorable light, because, despite the separation, you remain a fair, unbiased person.
Enemies
The “Enemies” position means very tough competition in everything. Be prepared for the fact that some of your work colleagues will support your ex. Since, for sure, some of them were aware of the details of your breakup. You will also have to start your own support group, as a rule, these are women. However, don't be surprised if you notice a few of them having sweet conversations with your ex. After all, he is their colleague, which means they will still have to communicate with him.
Even if you are enemies, try not to sort things out or insult each other in front of someone. Be prepared for the fact that your ex-boyfriend or husband will also choose this line of behavior and want, for example, to sit on you or report to your superiors about your mistakes at work, being late, and so on. Try to do your job flawlessly. So much so that your “enemy” cannot get under you.
Is it worth dating your ex-husband, 4 answers
Well, you really can’t wait to find out if it’s worth dating your ex-husband? I posted 4 different answers. Let's take a look at them right now. Cool opinions!
Divorce and maiden name.
Tears, vows that I will not meet with this scoundrel.
He is my past, and I intend to live in the present for the sake of the future.
Okay, okay, do as you wish.
In the meantime, I will publish 4 answers (from the Internet).
— I met my ex-husband. After the divorce, I didn’t have the hatred that many people write about. We talked, shared life experiences, and sometimes remembered common goals. Then I lived in a civil marriage, because I no longer wanted a white dress or an expensive limousine. What am I getting at? Be wiser. My new husband turned out to be a bungler, a bore and a complete psycho. I returned to my ex-husband, forgiving him for the delays at work. Yes, I was offended, but life put everything in its place. I met with my ex-husband to compare those who turned out to be an order of magnitude worse than him - Marina shares her answer.
- Well, the very concept of former. People do not change. And you shouldn’t hope that the past will become the perfect present. I dated my husband after my divorce. More precisely, he himself lay in wait for me, either at work or near the metro. He remained a moron as he was. At that time, I did not live with anyone. I took a break. And he kept calling me back to his drinking and debts. Do I need this? Met someone else. We fight and make up, but children are sacred. The same cannot be said about your ex-husband. “He should knock over the stack,” Laura expresses her opinion.
— It’s worth dating your ex if you, so to speak, got a little carried away; miscalculated. I foolishly drove the guy away, tired of him pushing me around. He is such a big boss and a commander in the family. I didn't need the money. Well, of course he was walking. So, excuse me, even those who wave their pants with holes allow themselves to do this. And I missed such a guy! We met and hugged. Sometimes right in the car. I set a goal to bring him back. And there was already a very mercantile lady there. Thank God, everything is back to normal. Now we are 54 years old. All the partying was forgotten. I remember a lot of things. You can't list everything. But I lived like Christ in the bosom,” Inna Lvovna replies majestically.
— You shouldn’t date your ex-man if he’s “over” for you. Beatings, humiliation, how can you forget this!? And why do you need someone who ruined your life; turned her into a nightmare. I divorced. But she did not forbid the children from seeing her ex-husband. After all, he is a father. I myself tried not to meet with him, I only discussed dating with my children. In the end, I never met anyone. But it’s better to be alone than with a person who destroyed all sincere feelings in me, writes Irina.
What do you think, dear readers?
Should you date your ex-husband? And most importantly, why?
The material was prepared by me, Edwin Vostryakovsky.
Trying to get it all back
As for the third line of behavior, many want to get their lover back and deliberately choose this one. And this is understandable, because feelings cannot be turned off with a snap of your fingers. The advice of psychologists in this case is to give your partner a break from you and rest yourself. Perhaps it makes sense to take a vacation, go on vacation, meet friends and go shopping. You will be able to return to work fresh, beautiful and full of energy. Forget all grievances and forgive your ex. However, you should not throw yourself on the neck. Be tactful and consistent. Tell your employees what a wonderful person he is. It will be to your advantage if he learns about this conversation from the lips of his colleagues. Remember that his feelings have not faded either, which means you still have a chance. If there is a corporate party ahead, be sure to go to it and, if possible, get closer to your ex. Maybe even dance together. Remember what connects you, not separates you.
Now you know how to work with your ex. But which behavior to choose is your own business. It depends on the reason for the separation and the nature of both partners.
