Breaking up is a decision that will in any case affect the lives of the man and woman in the relationship. Their moral state and future life will depend on how they behave after breaking up. And when a couple decides: “We’ll part as friends,” it’s not always for the best. In what cases such a decision is really useful, and when it is better to refuse it, it is useful to know for anyone whose relationship is on the verge of breaking.
When is it a good idea to remain friends?i
So, the couple decided that completely losing touch was too much and they should stay on friendly terms. Family psychologists from the USA and other countries have found out in which cases such a decision would be correct.
When a man and woman both understand that after a breakup they need to be alone and independently experience a painful change in their personal lives. If the couple is ready for this, then after a while they will come to terms with the thought “We are no longer a couple” and will be able to build friendly relationships.
Friends can be those exes who talked openly before breaking up and realized that their relationship had no prospects, but still consider each other interesting people. In this case, respect remains between partners, which over time replaces the pain of losing a loved one and serves as the basis for friendship.
Also, couples who built their relationships on communication are more likely to part as friends. It happens that communication is excellent, but love affairs (sex, courtship, etc.) do not work out. But it is important to wait a pause after a breakup, because people with quality communication can quickly agree and decide how to mend the broken cup.
If former spouses have children, this is a good reason to remain at least friends. This will protect the child’s psyche from severe trauma. Even if there is no desire to build friendly relations with your ex-partner, developing patience and goodwill towards him will be enough.
Has a friend ever betrayed you?
Some individuals are very kind by nature, as a result of which they are able to forgive others even the most terrible bullying. However, you should understand that at first many people communicate with you and share their emotional experiences, after which they go to another person for many years, and they only remember you when they need something. Is it worth communicating with such a person while continuing to be in the role of a person who is ready to forgive any actions?
Practice shows that if a person betrayed once, it will not be difficult for him to repeat his act in the future. So seriously think about the sincerity of your friend's intentions. Perhaps he is only with you because he has no other choice? Or is it because of the material values that a person is ready to receive from his friend in case of emergency?
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Factors forcing a couple to remain friends2
Certain factors can literally force exes to form friendships. The first is collaboration. There are cases when lovers in the past work in the same company or are partners in the present. Then work becomes higher than resentment, pain, desire for revenge and other “side effects” of separation. But in some cases, it is easier to quit a job you love than to establish contact with your ex.
Mutual friends. If a couple has been hanging out in the same company for a long time, then after they break up, the friends will have to choose with whom to continue communicating. This spoils the quality of communication within a group of people, provokes rumors and conflicts. If company is important to young people, and the separation did not occur for serious reasons (infidelity, betrayal, etc.), then remaining friends is a completely logical decision.
Mutual benefit. No matter how mercantile it may sound, if your ex (or ex) is an expert in something (for example, a good lawyer or plumber), then you won’t want to refuse free help out of friendship. Therefore, some couples who have not caused much pain to each other during their relationship build friendships with an eye to the future. What if you need something?
Do you want to be friends with this person?
This is the first sign that anyone who has decided to break off a friendship with a particular person should pay attention to. Your desire should be a priority. If you communicate and support a person only out of pity, then sooner or later this will result in a serious conflict. So think carefully about whether you should continue to build a relationship with your friend or whether it would be better to explain to him that it is time for you to go your separate ways.
Just imagine that one day this person is no longer in your life. What will you experience? Bitterness of disappointment or relief? Or will you not care? Be that as it may, your feelings should help you make the right choice. If a person does not follow the call of his heart, then life will bring him complete disappointments. So be sure to listen to your inner voice, even if it sometimes says crazy things.
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Pitfalls of deciding to be friends after a relationship3
In some cases, exes who remain on friendly terms face difficult moments. The main ones:
- Jealousy and possessiveness;
- Difficulties in new relationships;
- Awkward conversations, taboos in communication;
- The risk of stepping on the same rake.
The couple broke up, but decided to continue communicating. They correspond on social networks, call each other, or even discuss the latest events over dinner in a cafe. The topics of conversation can be different: work and hobbies, mutual acquaintances and even memories from a common past. But the moment comes when one of the couple gets a new other half and tells his former partner about it, in all colors, with compliments and eyes glowing with happiness.
What will happen? A tiny percentage of exes will actually rejoice and wish you happiness. But the majority will awaken a sense of ownership. The friend will begin to compare himself with the new half of his ex, will feel resentment and may confuse this feeling with love that has not yet faded away. This will only confuse both partners and likely damage the relationship.
Communication with your ex is fraught with consequences for new love relationships. Even if a person no longer has any feelings for his ex other than friendly ones, the new passion is unlikely to be delighted with such a relationship. Both men and women will become jealous if their significant other has a previous lover in their close circle. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, when there are still no guarantees that passionate feelings will not flare up again between the separated people. Therefore, simple friendly correspondence with a “hero” from the past can lead to conflicts in new relationships.
Here you need to think: is a person ready to sacrifice new relationships for the sake of those that are essentially a thing of the past?
Awkward conversations and “sharp corners” in communication emerge from the two previous factors. Any conversation that in one way or another touches on the partners’ shared past can be considered taboo. For example, discussing the dog they bought together, or talking about a new partner. This will burden communication, then why is it needed at all?
There is another scenario when former partners cannot build new relationships for a long time, but continue to communicate. In such situations, the risk increases that partners will again see attractive traits in each other.
This is confirmed by a survey conducted in Germany by the public opinion research foundation EMNID. It showed that 60% of men and 43% of women would be willing to make love to their ex-partner. Moreover, every fifth young man is ready to renew a relationship, and not just limit himself to sex as a friend. Of the girls, only one in 16 is ready to give the relationship a second chance.
This is especially true for people with excellent compatibility in bed. It will seem like it's just fun, but soon there will be confusion. Combining sex and friendship will be very difficult, especially for a girl, because the weaker sex by nature tends to become attached to sexual partners. The couple themselves will not understand how they turned from exes into friends, and then into lovers; the participants will begin to get confused in their feelings... In general, it’s pure gobbledygook.
Does your friend want to communicate with you?
In some cases, two people continue to be in a relationship only because neither of them can take the first step towards breaking up. They both understand that there is no longer the same pleasure from communication, and friendship is just a waste of time. Such cases are far from uncommon, so do not hesitate to ask your friend directly. Perhaps he will understand and say that he also thought about your paths diverging.
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However, it also happens that people simply ignore the hints of their comrades that it is time for them to stop being together: communication becomes shorter and uninteresting, the friend does not want to do the usual things that used to bring pleasure, or even strives more to communicate with other comrades. Try to refrain from communicating with such a person for a couple of days. If you notice that it doesn't bother your friend, then perhaps it's for the best?
When is it impossible to remain friends?4
The experience of psychologists shows that in some cases, being friends after an affair is stupid. This includes several situations.
The first is when in a relationship one of the partners suffered from pathological jealousy. This will remain even in a friendly format of relations. The second is if the “backbone” in the relationship was only sex, and there was no quality communication and common interests. Third, one of the partners experienced moral or physical violence from the other. Friendship will only increase resentment or become the basis for new insults.
Another fact against friendship between exes is the lack of respect or interest in the person. The attitude towards him will not change with a change in the format of communication; it will become burdensome and uninteresting.
In couples, only one of the partners often becomes the author of the “let’s part as friends” idea. And the second agrees, because he still has feelings for the first and does not want to lose him. Mentally, he will always return to the times when everything was good, regretting unfulfilled dreams and plans. It will be much more painful if the object of suffering is nearby. Therefore, in such situations it is better not to suck “friendship” out of thin air.
Well, and most importantly, if one of the couple suffered from addiction (gaming, alcohol, drugs), and his partner was tired of fighting it, then friendship will not help. It will only worsen the situation and return the pain that the person wanted to escape from.
My husband refuses to talk to my friends
Hello, dear experts. I would like to know your professional opinion on an issue that worries me very much: my husband does not want to go with me on holidays and meetings with my friends.
He says that in general he doesn’t like people and is fed up with socializing at work, and that he has enough meetings with his own people (he has long-time friends, two married couples). When he was not yet my husband, I could laugh it off or come up with another excuse for his absence from visiting me. But when we got married, the absurdity of inventing reasons for his absence increased to the limit. People constantly ask me whether we will come together, whether to count on both of us, because many have seen my betrothed only in the photo, and people want to meet him, get to know him, be happy for me, and I answer the questions: “Most likely, yes,” “Perhaps.” “, then I come alone and again make some excuse. To be honest, this really offends me and I told my husband about it. He went to birthday parties a couple of times, sat there with a sour expression, didn’t really communicate with anyone, didn’t play with us, it was clear that he wasn’t interested and wanted to run away. It was unpleasant to watch. Although he constantly invites me to his friends, he really likes to watch the effect that my appearance has on his friends, he is proud and even brags about me. Perhaps the fact is that all my companies, all my friends adhere to certain rules regarding alcohol: in our life we do not drink anything stronger than tea and juices. This is not a ban, just a conscious choice of the majority, which newcomers usually also adhere to or are embarrassed to upset the anti-alcohol balance. In a company with my husband’s friends, it is customary to drink beer, not to the point of “violent blueness”; everyone follows their own norm. My husband said that it was boring with mine, because... there is no way to relax with the same beer. And, most importantly, these trips happen once every two months, or even less often, while my husband meets with his friends every Friday or Saturday. Such good and kind moments of friendly meetings are very valuable to me, and I am alone at this time. I could go on for a long time, but the essence of the question is this: how can I explain to people dear to me, whose opinion is important to me, that my husband does not despise them, that he is not an arrogant boor who ignores all invitations and allows his wife to visit alone? I’m no longer particularly worried about my husband’s refusals, I just don’t invite him anywhere in the first place, I’m just perplexed that I can say something to people that won’t offend them and won’t make them think that I chose an ignorant and rude person for my husband. For example, I would feel offended if my friend came to me 99 times out of 100 alone, while all the other guests were in pairs. I can’t say that he’s not interested because of the lack of alcohol, that our format of communication is boring for him, I’m also not ready. In three words: I'm confused. I don’t quite understand how to convey this to him, usually I get offended and we fight. Recently I had to trick him into going to a birthday party where we played paintball, because... I had never done this in my life and really wanted to take part. When my beloved understood, we had a fight again and he left immediately, and I apologized to the guests. Of course, I should have said right away and he wouldn’t have gone, but I love my friends so much and I would like him to get to know them better. Sorry for being wordy. Thanks for the upcoming statements. Diana. Volgograd
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When is friendship after a relationship just a cover?5
There are situations when people cannot part, and in order to somehow preserve the relationship, they come to the decision to remain friends. Often, it is simply a cover for the true motives of the couple.
- Sexual affection
Erotic overtones can be a serious deterrent. This manifests itself in “accidental” touching of hands or other parts of the body, far from friendly kisses, etc. Girls try to look as sexy as possible in front of their ex, put on makeup and go to meetings as if they were going on dates. Men invite you to the cinema, to sit in a restaurant, to take a walk in the park. In general, this resembles a candy-bouquet period and clouds the minds of former partners.
Solution: Understand your feelings. Is separation really necessary, or did the lovers simply rush into it?
- Availability of household connections
This applies to couples who have lived together for a long time but do not have children. Several months have passed and the girl still hasn't picked up some things from her ex's house? She probably just doesn't want it. Many similar situations: financial support, seeking help, care (for example, help during illness) may indicate that not everything is over in the relationship and the partners need each other.
You need to understand: is this just a fear of being alone, or a real attempt to save the relationship? Partners must weigh the pros and cons of the affair and make a final decision.
- Jealousy games
A girl or guy is afraid to hear about each other’s new lovers and avoids talking about them (if a new relationship has appeared). There is also the opposite model of behavior - one of the exes constantly tells the previous partner about how happy he is with the other in order to cause jealousy.
To understand this situation, you need to analyze your true feelings for your new partner. Is this real attraction, or is it done to spite the ex? If the first option, the relationship with your ex needs to end. If the second one is to stop tormenting the new companion.
Has your friend changed over the years?
Unfortunately, people often cling to certain people, although deep down they understand that it does not give them any pleasure. During their school years, they study together and have fun on the weekends. However, time passes and people change. That person who was once full of strength and energy to change this world becomes a lazy person, unable to motivate himself to even go to work or engage in self-development.
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Is it worth being friends with a person who has changed for the worse? Definitely not. Of course, it will be very difficult to talk about a break, but it is vitally important. Otherwise, friendship will not bring any spiritual benefit, but only losses. Let your ex-comrade consider you a “traitor” who abandoned him at a “difficult moment.” It’s better to fall in the eyes of one person than to sink to the bottom and live the same life.
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony6
This couple has been married for 7 years and has twin children together. For the public, the news of their divorce came as a surprise, because quarrels and family problems were never exposed to the public. Jennifer, in an interview, said that from now on she will love only herself. But paparazzi often see her with her ex on family holidays or outings with children. Apparently, they managed to maintain friendly relations.
Courteney Cox and David Arquette7
The couple lived together for 14 years, and after the divorce they remained friends. They have a daughter together who often spends time with both parents. Moreover, in interviews, both Courtney and David always praise each other. She openly states that she loves him as a friend. Her ex-husband considers her a wonderful person and an “incredible woman.”
Demi Moore and Bruce Willis8
Having 3 daughters and 13 years of marriage behind them, the couple finally broke up. But even during Demi’s next marriage (to Ashton Kutcher), the “die nut” often visited them. And after their divorce, Bruce visited his ex-wife’s house, probably to provide support. There is talk in the press that the actor even bought a house not far from his ex-wife. Apparently, the couple still had warm, friendly feelings for each other.
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis9
During their 14 years of marriage, the couple had two children. When the first rumors of separation appeared, both partners denied it in unison. And even when the civil marriage came to an end, Johnny Depp said in an interview: “Vanessa is a woman who will always be present in my life.”
Monica Bellucci and Vincent Cassel10
Monica, in numerous conversations with journalists, has repeatedly said that their relationship with Vincent was passionate and unpredictable. For the sake of the children, whom both parents love very much, they remained close friends. Now the paparazzi see them together not on the red carpet, but with their children on walks.
Staying on friendly terms after an affair is not always as easy as it seems. But if this is necessary for both partners, especially those who have children together, then it is quite possible to establish contact and become friends.
