Probably every girl has experienced this: you are getting ready for a party and remember that you have a beautiful dress hanging in your closet. Once upon a time you decided that it didn’t suit you, or your (now ex) friend tried it on a couple of times without permission, but you thought: “What the hell isn’t it, I’ll wear the outfit one more time!” That’s how it is with an ex – it seems like the stage has already been passed for a long time, but sometimes in the evening, no, no, and you remember a familiar number. PEOPLETALK compiled a list of reasons for having sex (or lack thereof) with an ex-boyfriend and found out what a psychologist thinks about it.
Reason 1. You are a confident woman
Why: for health
How it ends: a friendly handshake
Success rate: 99%
What to wear: a “smart” dress with a hint (to emphasize the figure, but not too much about loneliness)
This option is only suitable for single, strong and preferably sober-spirited ladies. If you can treat everything that happens as a workout, then why not (especially if this is the best fitness trainer in your memory). The instructions are simple - choose a location, set a time, conduct an effective lesson and calmly return to your business (take the example of men). If there is even 1% that you will start representing your children or want to wash his T-shirt torn off in a fit of passion, it’s better not to even start.
Reason 2. Hope for a bright future
Why: to improve your personal life
How it ends: unpredictable
Success rate: 50%
What to wear: High stakes outfit – skinny jeans or minidress
We don’t argue that good sex has brought more than one generation of men to the registry office. If you are absolutely sure that after this night you will be together again, you can take the risk. Just be prepared for disappointment, because if you weren’t able to impress him before, then maybe you won’t be able to now (although perhaps you took an intimate course?). And remember: you can’t build strong relationships on sex alone.
Memories and loneliness
It is difficult to immediately forget everything that previously connected two people in love. Especially if they were together for a long enough period of time. In this case, sexual attraction to your ex may turn out to be nothing more than ordinary memories of days gone by.
It is possible that the problem will be solved on its own soon after the man has a new relationship and his thoughts (and not only thoughts) are occupied by another woman. Until then, all that remains is to wait, distract yourself in all possible ways and not be led by temporary emotions.
Reason 4. Deceit
Why: revenge
How it ends: you'll be left alone
Success rate: 50%
What to Wear: A set of underwear your ex gave you
You quarreled with your boyfriend and decided to prove that you are still wow? Of course, you can have sex with your ex, just keep in mind that this will most likely be the end of your current relationship. Men are proud animals and do not forgive such insults. But there is a plus - he will become your ex, and after some time you will be able to have sex with him again.
Sexual dissatisfaction with a new partner2
Alas, such situations are also no exception. It is human nature to compare our sensations, including during sex. If the new partner is inferior to the ex on several points at once, it is not surprising that the man will increasingly remember his former love and even think about how to get his ex-girlfriend back. And where there are thoughts, there is an increase in sexual desire, which can become stronger every day.
It’s worth saying right away that such a situation is unlikely to end in something good. Having sex with one person while thinking about something completely different is not a good choice. It is, of course, possible to solve the problem, but for this the man will have to make a lot of effort. As a last resort, change his partner to one who can satisfy him sexually and make him forget his ex.
Reason 5. Promised to marry
Why: he asked
How it will end: with your tears
Success rate: 0%
What to wear: Something comfortable so you don't have to come home at night wearing a sparkly mini and shoes in hand (that's too corny)
Did he promise that everything would be different for you and that first thing in the morning he would run to the jewelry store? First, you need to admit to yourself that you understood everything perfectly well. And secondly, if this is what happened, then there’s no point in making a scene (if it didn’t work before, it won’t work now). Better pretend that you are a woman with the first reason, and learn from your mistakes.
Oksana Vygovskaya (psychologist, women's trainer, art therapist)
Quite often girls come to me with exactly this question: is it worth giving in to temptation and what can sex with an ex lead to? I always start with the correct description of the situation: sex with an ex is always and inevitably a problem. Moreover, the problem is for you, dear girls, and not for him... It is important to accept and realize one important idea: in 90% of cases of sexual relapse, the man sets the rules, defining it in his head as exclusively “friendly sex.” For most women, this concept does not exist. Therefore, we have to admit: men and women have different attitudes towards sex with exes, as do their attitudes towards sex in general. For a woman, this is most often an attempt to catch on and return, to prove something, to assert herself. Especially if the feelings have not cooled down (and in most cases this is the main reason for sexual relapse for a woman). And, unfortunately, this method is unlikely to help return or revive your relationship, but it may well instill the feeling that you were simply used.
What is the feminine logic here? In its absence, because in this case the woman is driven by the desire to deceive herself, at least temporarily creating the illusion of past happiness, and by fear. Fear of being left alone, not being able to find someone better, growing old alone, and everything else that a woman can come up with. Don't lose your head and engage in self-deception! I don’t believe in the possibility of a broken couple reuniting for a long time. If your separation was not a test, stupidity or whim, then you had good reasons for this - dissatisfaction, resentment, disrespect, a feeling of loneliness, in other words, you were disappointed in the person, his shortcomings exceeded his advantages. And they obviously haven't disappeared. It is reckless to assume that one or a couple of heated meetings will be able to fix what has not been possible to fix for a long time.
My advice in such situations is not to overestimate the importance of such meetings (if they do happen to you) and not to “get stuck” in such relationships... While a woman endures this “friendship sex,” her self-esteem will inevitably fall if it drags on, Invariably, the feeling is formed that this form of relationship is, in fact, all that you deserve. But this is already a reason to turn to other, more serious specialists. Picking up the pieces after such an experience can be very difficult! If in a relationship (any kind) you experience dissatisfaction, a lack of emotions and do not get what you expect, this relationship is destructive and will not lead to anything good. Give yourself a new attitude, realize that you are ready to move on. Don’t waste precious time on unpromising relationships (and “sex for friendship” is just such an option), invest in improving your new life. Don't be afraid to lose a man, losing yourself is much worse!
How to avoid being tempted?4
Don't forget the reason for the separation. Don’t lie to yourself: if something happened that your ex seems better after breaking up, he is still that little person, he has enough flaws that you know from memory. Save your emotions if you first understand that after sex you will want your former partner more. You should be on guard if love is still present.
What if you really succumbed to the lie? The psychologist says that the main thing is not to blame yourself and not to regret the incident. Think about what boundary you don’t want to cross in the future in your relationship with this person - and which places you should avoid
Ten good reasons to never sleep with your ex
You won't bring it back
Just because he decided to sleep with you doesn't mean your relationship will get back on track. Don't flatter yourself with empty hopes.
Are you at risk of getting back together?
Congratulations, a couple of hours spent together has provoked both of you to bring back your broken relationship. But most likely he hasn't changed one bit. And you haven’t become a different person. So what awaits you in the near future? That's right, another painful breakup.
Memories are always better than reality
We often look at the past through rose-colored glasses: we remember the best, forget all the bad, and ignore the reasons why we decided to break up. Are the symptoms familiar? Talk to those who consoled you after the breakup: they will tell you in vivid epithets why you shouldn’t get back together with “that scoundrel.”
What will happen after?
So, let's imagine that you did end up sleeping. Let's say it wasn't that bad, but what next? You were left alone with each other, naked and without common topics of conversation. Awkward situation, isn't it?
You lower your standards
You broke up because you believed you deserved something bigger and better. And now, having returned to the obviously unsuccessful scenario, you admit that you do not deserve better. Quite a serious blow to self-esteem, after which you will have to cry to your friends again.
What if everything goes too well?
Let's assume the sex was very good. Yes, and you somehow dealt with the awkwardness. Will you decide to have sex without a relationship? And when over time your ex finds a new passion and abandons such a relationship, how will you feel?
You're giving false hope
Even if you can differentiate between physical and emotional intimacy, no one guarantees that your ex-passion can do it. Guess who becomes the worst person when they abandon someone they gave hope to? Ask this question to the mirror!
He knows too much
He knows your pros and cons, bad habits, working hours, all the places where you like to relax. You simply cannot take him out of your life completely if you are involved in a sexual relationship.
You can't move on
How to stop self-development and keep yourself from new life experiences? Become emotionally or sexually dependent on your ex! Now your whole life will revolve around how unhappy you are in your relationship.
Reasons why this happens5
- Regain lost trust
After a series of tests of relationships, listening to judgments and unpleasant discoveries, mutual trust was gone. It is especially difficult if the separation factor is betrayal. If you develop a feeling that it is impossible to forgive, that there is a traitor in front of you, there is no need to try to normalize the relationship. Probably, later, if the pain becomes less acute, you will look at your partners’ actions with different eyes and can understand him.
Another thing is if emotions have cooled down, you have said quite a lot of bad things to each other, but in principle still do not forget what features in this person once attracted you so much. Sex can help normalize relationships and feel each other.
And - to leave culturally. In addition, in this mood it is much easier to come to an agreement when there is a difference of interests, including when moving away or dividing property.
- Put a point
A typical lady's desire. If the separation was unexpected, representatives of the fair sex often cannot wait to once again feel this closeness that was between them. 65% of women surveyed dream about this.
Touch, feel the usual excitement, realizing that this is the last time. This “action” creates a feeling of completion, for this reason it is much easier to throw out ideas about your ex and move towards a new relationship.
- Self-assertion on a physiological level
But this is a man’s desire, especially if the organizer of the breakup is a girl. Many representatives of the stronger sex remain unsure whether their masculine strength became a factor in the separation. And even if the grievances and complaints are indisputable, and absolutely do not relate to intimacy, this anxiety can be a factor in future indecision in oneself.
Sexual relations during separation provide an opportunity to make sure that everything was in order in this area. Otherwise, the lady would hardly have consented to such an experience. However, girls are not averse to feeling desired.
In some cases, the person who was the first to decide to separate is so tormented by a feeling of guilt and shame that it is reflected on the physical level. The person practically becomes “not nice to himself.” This kind of negativity can even cause psychosomatic diseases. The caresses of a former companion can protect you from this condition.
- Relax since you have nothing to lose
The one who was the first to leave a partner, or has felt for a long time that the relationship has spent itself, does not experience its end as grief. Of course, it is scary to destroy the usual order, but these emotions are usually mixed with indifference and devastation. If there is no compatibility at the level of feelings and ideas, you can enjoy physical pleasure. And partners have long understood how to please each other.
- Sexuality increases
If the former couple does not yet have new partners, they can help each other find them, in some cases making love with the ex without responsibilities. Since people who have regular sex increase their attractiveness in the eyes of possible gentlemen and women. Sudden loneliness has a negative impact on sexuality, and if it is possible to solve this problem to mutual pleasure, everything is in order.
