Communicate more often
Distance is not a barrier to communication, especially considering that in the modern world there are many ways to keep in touch (more on that later). Ideally, it is better to contact every day, even a little. You can simply talk about the past day, remember something together, discuss events happening in the world.
You can establish a connection at the same time, this will be more convenient for both interlocutors. If you are separated not only by kilometers, but also by time zones, choose an option that suits everyone. Set a specific order for making calls so that no one is offended.
Advice: there are different situations in life, and its rhythm makes its own adjustments, so if for some reason you didn’t have time to get in touch today, don’t be offended. Just make contact the next day and find out if everything is okay with your friend, and also find out what exactly prevented the contact.
Violence in relationships: when you can’t remain silent 2
But, like any rule, there are exceptions. This is the case if your friend is suffering from physical or emotional abuse. In this case, you should immediately voice your concerns. “Always be available to help your friend or acquaintance if necessary,” advises Gerst.
How can you find out that a loved one is in trouble? First of all, your friend’s unavailability should be alarming. For example, she used to be constantly in touch, loved to have fun at parties or go shopping. Now you can’t get her out of the house - as if her circle of contacts was limited to one single person.
“This situation in itself is unhealthy. However, it is also a common practice, often used by rapists. This is how they try to gain more control over their victims,” says Gerst. “If you have any suspicions, it’s best to do it directly. Don't be afraid to embarrass your friend or make yourself look like a fool in her eyes. It’s better to play it safe and find out all the necessary information, because violence is much more common than we used to think.”
Use different ways to communicate
To prevent your friendship from becoming boring, you can use different methods of communication:
- SMS and phone calls. This is the simplest and most common method available to everyone. Your mobile phone is always at hand, so you can always keep in touch. But communication services can be expensive, so be prepared for the costs. Although if you choose a favorable tariff and enable useful functions, you can save money.
- Special messenger applications. This method is more convenient and less expensive, so it has become very popular. Messages arrive almost instantly, so you can have lively online conversations.
- Video calls. Using the Skype program, you can not only hear each other, but also see each other.
- Letters. Although this method is very outdated, many people underestimate it. Writing letters is interesting and exciting: you can put your soul into them, expressing all your most intimate things. And the processes of writing and reading are a real pleasure.
- Social media. Communication in them has a lot of advantages, because you can not only exchange messages, but also share your favorite songs, videos, and recordings.
Tip: if three or more people are friends, then they can also keep in touch, for example, by creating a group chat.
Arrange meetings
How to maintain friendship at a distance? Even if hundreds of kilometers separate you, you can and should meet, at least occasionally. There are several options. For example, you can agree to take turns visiting each other. You can also meet on neutral territory or travel together.
It is better to arrange personal meetings with a certain frequency, making them a mandatory tradition. So, you can time them to coincide with some memorable date, such as a holiday or the day you met. The frequency of meetings will depend on the capabilities of friends, because traveling long distances is expensive, problematic and not always possible. But it is advisable to see each other at least once a year.
Give advice only as a last resort and with reservations 5
If you are still determined to give advice, then you should first make sure that the person is really interested in it. It is also worth stipulating in advance that you are not responsible for the consequences, but are only providing your vision of the situation. And the person has the right to make his own decision - follow this advice, or develop his own strategy. “Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you are not in their position after all. And you can’t fully understand his feelings,” recommends psychologist Marie Land.
“And finally, don’t try to turn yourself into a priest or a free therapist. Approach the discussion with curiosity, not as an expert. After all, it’s unlikely that you yourself would want your friend to strive to manage your personal life, would you? Therefore, the best thing you can do for a friend is to listen more and advise less.”
Participation and genuine interest
The main rule of friendship is participation in each other's lives. Therefore, be sure to talk about everything that is happening in your life, share news and secrets, reveal secrets to each other and keep them. Moreover, for the interest to be genuine, friends must listen carefully to each other, give advice, discuss certain situations, and share opinions.
Friends are required to remember all important dates: birthdays, wedding anniversaries, children's birthdays, and so on. And be sure to congratulate each other on all holidays.
Surprise each other
Friendship between girls can be maintained with surprises and new pleasant emotions: the fair sex loves this very much. There are plenty of ways to surprise each other:
- Send a cute card for no reason, with something nice written in it.
- Try dedicating a poem or song to a friend.
- Call the radio and order a song. But before that, ask a friend to tune the desired wave.
- Order flowers delivery to your friend's address.
- Record a video and send it to your friend.
- If possible, you can suddenly come to visit without warning about the visit.
- Send a gift by mail. It could be something simple, but very pleasant, for example, a soft toy, a figurine, a painting, a soft pillow. And it’s even better to make a gift with your own hands, for example, embroider a picture, knit a scarf.
The danger of giving advice3
There is a popular wisdom: people ask for advice to do the opposite; or to follow this recommendation, but then blame the adviser for everything. Here is one such example:
“Week after week, a friend complained to me about problems with her boyfriend. One day she showed me a tearful six-page goodbye letter she wrote to him. At that moment, it seemed obvious to her that it was time to end the relationship. However, she was terrified of being left alone.”
“I made a mistake and gave her seemingly logical advice: “Darling, if you have seven reasons for breaking up and only one to stay with this man, then it’s time to pack up your things and move out of him.”
“However, unfortunately, she was not ready to part with this guy. Suddenly she stopped communicating with me. Of course, it immediately became clear that the reason was that I did not support her decision.”
Thus, giving relationship advice is directly damaging the friendship. If a friend is actively seeking advice from you about his personal life, then in principle you can give it. But this should be done carefully.
Find something in common
Friendship between both men and women can be based on common interests. So, representatives of the stronger sex can discuss fishing, hunting, weapons or something else. And girls or women will be interested in communicating on topics such as design, psychology, cooking, raising children, handicrafts, interior design, and so on.
If there are no common interests yet, then find them. So, you can agree to read one book or watch one TV series, and then discuss what you read or saw. Try to find a common hobby that will be interesting for both of you.
Long-distance friendships are hard work. But if you know and follow a few rules, you can maintain and maintain relationships for many years.
Romance
Is it worth giving a long-distance relationship a chance?
I’ll answer right away - it’s worth it. Although the statistics floating around the Russian Internet are disappointing. The authors of the articles claim that in 90% of cases distance destroys love. But there is also other data. Dr. Gregory Gouldner wrote the book Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. This was preceded by an extensive study of more than 400 couples. His results showed that the success rate of long-distance relationships was 60%.
One way or another, it makes no sense to rely only on dry statistics. After all, your happiness and future are at stake. The readiness and desire to reunite with your loved one is the key to the success of a long-distance relationship. And also the ability of lovers to work on them every day: find time to communicate, adjust schedules to the difference in time zones, look for words of support.
Relationships between lovers face all sorts of challenges. Separation is one such test of strength. Love that has passed the test of distance has an excellent chance of withstanding other difficulties.
Living apart will help you understand whether you have chosen the right partner, whether this is the right person for you. The kilometers separating two people, like a judge making a verdict, decide whether it is love or not at all.
The disadvantages are obvious, but there are also advantages
There are plenty of difficulties in life hundreds or thousands of kilometers from a loved one. I would not like to rub salt in the wound of lovers whose other halves are far away. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings, let's look at the situation from the other side. Some benefits of long distance romantic relationships:
Free time to spend on yourself.
This resource can be used in different ways. Educational programs, favorite hobbies or communication with friends will help your loved ones brighten up the days of loneliness.
No domestic conflicts.
Of course, strong feelings are not afraid of any kind of life. But if there are no ordinary troubles in the life of a couple, this is a wonderful bonus, you must agree.
A huge fuse for planning meetings and surprises.
Dates are rare, and therefore must be special to be remembered for a long time.
Separation is a great reason to travel together.
Combine vacation and meetings with your loved one. There should be no problems with choosing a vacation spot. Especially if there are hundreds of kilometers between you or half the world map.
Dreams and planning for a future together.
These classes will help lovers figure out whether their goals and objectives coincide. Do they want the same thing from life together? The brain is not busy solving common everyday tasks and everyday problems. This means there is an opportunity to get to know each other at a comfortable pace.
Basic rules for successful long-distance relationships
My husband shuddered when he heard what topic I was writing an article on. Before our family was reunited, we lived for three years in different hemispheres. The experience turned out to be diametrically opposite. Interesting and painless for me. And like a bad dream for him.
The difference in sensations can be explained by the type of attachment that dominates in a person. Usually, attachment is formed in children towards parents and relatives. But in the late 1980s, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver extended attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. They identified what types of attachment there are in relationships . There are four of them: reliable, anxious-preoccupied, withdrawn-phobic and dismissive-avoidant.
People with secure attachment types are comfortable being alone with themselves. They feel confident in relationships, regardless of whether their loved one is nearby or across the ocean.
For anxious adults, separation is difficult. Without continuous proof of love and approval, such people become very sad. And then they begin to delve into themselves or look for flaws in their partner.
People with withdrawn-phobic attachment patterns tend to have low self-esteem. Because of this, they cannot trust their partners. They simultaneously desire close relationships and feel discomfort from them.
Men and women with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles avoid close relationships as such. They need a high level of independence and consider themselves self-sufficient. Although behind this lies only the fear of being rejected.
One of the keys to a happy relationship in our family can be considered my secure attachment style. It’s good if in a couple at least one half has the same type. In this case, the union has a better chance of surviving separation.
But what to do if lovers have not yet figured out each other’s types of attachments? Or there is still not enough experience and wisdom so as not to worry and doubt. How to keep a relationship at a distance?
To begin with, partners can adhere to the following basic rules :
Give up total control and jealousy.
This is not the best activity even for couples who are not separated. And for those who are separated by kilometers, this is meaningless and destructive.
Communicate and talk a lot.
About the important and the little things. Discuss problems, gossip. Laugh and share your experiences. This will strengthen your connection.
Be sure to plan dates and meet.
You should know that you will see each other soon, at least for a short time. Without the certainty that this will happen, the relationship will fizzle out.
Stay in touch.
Unlike friendship, long-distance love does not tolerate silence or interruptions. The silence of one of you will give vent to the feelings of the other.
Accept and do not violate each other's comfort zone.
We all live and experience feelings in different rhythms. It is important from the very beginning to discuss with your other half what will be acceptable for each of you.
In the future, you can add to the list and build your own formula for a happy relationship. After all, in order to preserve feelings, being thousands of kilometers away from each other, you will have to work hard.
The main thing is to believe in your love, dream and make plans together. The separation that your union will experience can become a solid foundation for your future life together.
