Many employees experience discomfort and injustice when working for a company run by a dictatorial boss. Together with negotiation expert Igor Ryzov, we learn to defend our own boundaries and not get involved in the boss’s manipulations.
Who is a dictator? This is a person for whom there are two opinions: his and the wrong. He despotically controls everyone else, establishes his own rules, and listens to conversations. Moreover, he does this not out of a desire to help, but simply wedges in. He doesn't care about you, he manipulates you.
“I worked in such an organization,” says Ryzov. - We were young guys. We were 22 years old and we wanted to produce results. They exceeded the plan, came to the boss at the end of the month, and in response received threats and instructions not to be a hero. Like, there will always be plenty of people willing to take our place.”
Organizations with this management style are called toxic. Many people call this style “hello from the 90s.” Because, according to the expert, the nature of this phenomenon originates precisely in those years. When self-taught people came to management and pushed their authority as best they could.
Disadvantages of the dictatorial model
- Jackals gather around.
Next to the despot boss there are people who call him almost dad to his face, and secretly, bypassing him, resolve their issues. These people, as Igor says, have been working with dictators for decades. They actually learned to manipulate their superiors because they managed to thoroughly study their behavior.
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If you are subordinate to a dictator and this model is not very pleasant to you, think about who you work for? If the tyrant is yourself, understand that you are harming business with your despotism.
- It is difficult to negotiate and reach consensus.
When you work with a dictator, any common human rapprochement is fraught with aggravation of the situation. You let a toxic person into your space, who with his presence begins to poison not only your work space, but also your living space.
In this case, Ryzov advises to distance yourself from your boss as much as possible and reduce all contacts with him to working formalism. Otherwise, personal communication with such a person can be used against you. “If you have to work in such an organization, the principle of “do what you have to, and come what may” helps. Complete tasks without paying attention to manipulation, and remove everything that could shake your status quo,” advises Ryzov.
From a religious point of view:
First, talk to your friend, of course, if you can call her a friend after that, draw her attention to her betrayal.
Tell her that treachery is one of the signs of a hypocrite, as stated in the saying of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). In addition, her sin is not only between her and the Almighty, but also between you, since it was you who suffered from her words, which means that the Almighty will not forgive her, even if she repents, until you forgive her. Tell her that if she wants your forgiveness and cleansing from this grave sin, let her tell everyone that she made it up, she was joking. From now on, keep your distance from this girl. By distance, I don’t mean not being friends with her, cutting off ties and relationships altogether, but simply not trusting her with your innermost thoughts and plans.
Three management models
Traditionally, there are three management models: dictatorial, managerial and leadership. People often confuse these three models, believing that a manager is a person who stands with a whip and urges everyone on.
But this belief is only partly true. Igor Ryzov is convinced that in the minds of many people the leader is engaged in “Egegeism”, runs ahead of everyone, shouts: “Hurray! Follow me."
A leader , in fact, is a person who creates a circle of security around which people rally. He not only leads, but is also the one with whom they go forward. But the leader is not alone in pulling the burden. And a manager is not always the one standing with a whip.
A manager is a person who has rules and regulations that establish them.
The dictator autocratically demands compliance with the rules established by him. He doesn't care about people and all the rules that existed before him.
Ryzov explains that it is important for employees and partners to be able to communicate with each of these people.
You can find out how to do this effectively at the international online forum “Dictator, Leader, Manager. Three management styles" .
Register if you want to diagnose your management style and create a dream team.
Children's secrets are the path to growing up: why a child should have secrets
Very often, parents believe that they should know everything about their children, including their secrets. Or they are simply sure that children cannot and should not have secrets from their parents. Psychologist Elena Savchuk explains why children's secrets are completely normal and there is no need to be afraid of them.
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In the modern world, transparency, openness, and understandability are valued, and people who have secrets are perceived rather as negative characters. Positive heroes are often those who reveal other people's secrets. In this context, it can be especially scary for parents to think about their children having secrets.
The word "secret" comes from the Latin secretum, which means "to separate", "to separate". Indeed, a secret divides people into those involved in the secret and outsiders who know nothing about it. That’s why it’s so nice to hear a question about the ability to keep secrets, because it means that someone appreciated us as people they can trust, with whom they can share something special. A person who shares a secret immediately becomes close and vulnerable, and we have the opportunity (often this is only an illusion, but still) to influence his life.
Childhood is filled with secrets and mysteries. Many of them come from the world of adults, because adults always try to hide from children everything that could be dangerous for them, everything that could frighten or traumatize, as well as what children cannot yet understand.
Children imitate adults with pleasure, while discovering that secrets impart some power to their owner. But the ability to keep secrets is not innate, children learn this gradually, and between the ages of 5 and 12 years this ability develops, and the attitude towards secrets significantly transforms several times.
3-4 years: the child is waiting for his secret to be revealed
Young children love to hide, but they especially love to be found. Children of three or four years old tell themselves where to look for them, because the thought of their own disappearance is absolutely unbearable for them. Playing peek-a-boo teaches them the idea that they exist even when they cannot be seen. Having realized this, children begin to play hide and seek with pleasure, learn to hide for a long time and seriously, which contributes to the development of their independence.
5-6 years: secrets come from fear
At five or six years old, it is difficult for children to keep secrets. So if an adult wants, he can easily find them out. The secret asks to come out and creates a lot of tension, which is so great for a small child that he wants to share with literally everyone who wants to listen to him. The desire to keep something secret from parents at this age may appear in a child only out of fear of being punished, because children at this age see themselves through the eyes of adults.
It is the positive assessment of the parents that is a kind of guarantee of safety for the child. In order to both reveal the secret and stay safe, children can tell stories from the lives of third parties (“but there’s one girl ...”), while the child will very carefully monitor the parent’s reaction. If the parent remains stable and does not overreact, he or she has a chance to build a trusting relationship with the child.
10-12 years old: secrets as a way to maintain friendship and gain authority
Gradually, the need to share secrets becomes less and less, the child becomes more selective in choosing people who can keep his secret. By early adolescence, secrets are spread within the company, and the significance of a secret, especially someone else's, is very great.
At 10-12 years old, it is important to be part of a peer group, and secrets can make these relationships stronger, indirectly contributing to the formation of a group identity and reducing anxiety (usually increased in adolescents). The emergence of secret meeting places and passwords allows children to construct their own worlds, practice protecting their boundaries - first as a group of like-minded people - and slowly, safely separate from adults.
Adolescents are dependent not only on the opinion of the reference group of peers, but also on the opinion of their parents. At this age, secrets from parents appear precisely when there is a need in life to balance the interests of family and group of friends (mom will scold if she finds out that I smoke; in my company all the guys smoke, they will laugh at me if I refuse) .
13-17 years old: secrets that teenagers have a right to (like all adults)
By the age of 13-17, it is enough for a teenager to share a secret with only one best friend. Secrets are still needed to support the course towards autonomy; there is a differentiation of “circles of trust” - people around are divided into acquaintances, buddies, friends and, finally, the best friend. The child begins to better understand with whom, how and what he can share. At this age, parents are no longer celestial beings; teenagers are critical of adults and consider themselves adults.
Accordingly, parental care and advice are not accepted at this stage, and there is no point in sharing secrets with them. Teenagers may hide something from their parents out of a desire to protect their feelings, as if they are showing concern for them.
Pierre Janet, a French psychologist, believed that the ability to keep one's secret is a significant event that marks the beginning of the development of the inner world. When a child understands that his thoughts and feelings are not visible from the outside, he draws a clearer boundary between himself and the world around him, he has a safe space for reflection and imagination, he begins to live, as it were, in two worlds.
Dangerous gossip
Everyone knows that girls love to gossip. However, by promoting the spread of unverified rumors, even among best friends, you can later run into a showdown with the heroes of the gossip. Then you will have to answer for your words in full. And even the phrase: let everything remain between us does not guarantee that gossip will not spread further, going beyond the usual circle of communication.
In addition, there is no need to discuss with one friend another . If a friend has the habit of talking about a mutual friend in her absence, be sure that she will then with great pleasure tell her about you.
Secrets are different
Secrets and mysteries are different. Some people hide feelings in the depths of their souls, some people hide desires, and some people hide fantasies. Therefore, there is undoubtedly a big difference between the secrets of others. But there is also something that unites them all - this is confidentiality, which, in any case, must be respected. This is precisely the main condition for any secret. If the thought of a secret that you can no longer keep to yourself has settled in your head, then think: “is it a secret?”, “will it be so important in a day, a month, a year?”, think about the consequences that may arise after revealing a secret secret to someone.
Health problems. Should I wait for support?
When a girl falls ill, she expects sympathy not only from her family, but also from a close friend. Of course, you can share your health problems, treatment prescriptions, impressions of doctors and hospitals, but only if the illness is not particularly serious and passes quickly. After your story about your complex illness, your friend may become concerned about her own well-being. Because of this, she will try with all her might to reduce communication or, in general, try to refuse it.
No need to brag
Suppose that one girl was unexpectedly seriously promoted at work, or her husband gave her expensive earrings with diamonds for absolutely no reason, or maybe she bought a trip to the Seychelles for literally half the price. And this lady can’t think of anything better than to immediately call her friend, who lately can rarely afford anything other than potatoes for lunch. So to speak, let the loser rejoice for her happy friend. Is it worth doing this? Obviously not. A systematic desire to brag will lead to an increasing feeling of not only envy, but also hostility and tension in the relationship on the part of a friend.
Of course, you can share your successes, but this must be done delicately, without asserting yourself and without hurting the self-esteem of your interlocutor.
When finance sings romances
If you often tell your friend about your difficult financial situation and forced austerity, sooner or later she will no longer like it. She will begin to think that you are expecting financial help from her, which she may not want to provide. In addition, the friend will stop planning joint events that require any financial expenses.
Those with good savings should also hide their situation if they do not want to constantly consider requests to borrow money.
