Consultation for parents on the impact of family quarrels and scandals on a child

Where do legs come from?

There are not many reasons why financial disputes arise in a family; there are only a few main ones:

1. Different attitudes towards money. The man and woman who live together today were raised in different families yesterday. What kind of wealth did each of them have, what attitudes were laid in them, how did their parents teach them to spend money? These and other questions form a certain attitude towards money in every person.
2. Different goals, dreams and desires. When she is saving up to buy an apartment, and he dreams of a new car, it is difficult to say who is more right. They just have different desires! Choosing the most correct one for satisfaction is not an easy task.
3. Various contributions. Sooner or later, the topic “Who contributed more” comes up in the family. It turns out that the husband earns more, but the wife is more tired. The spouses begin to measure their strength, but they are always unequal.

For example, from a woman’s side they may look like this:

• Need for protection. “I make less, so I feel less financially secure and more vulnerable.”
• A request for love. “My husband doesn’t give me money for my desires because he doesn’t love me.”
• Dream of freedom. “No money - no freedom of action, you have to ask your husband for everything.”
• The desire to be strong. “My husband has more money, which means the power is in his hands, and I am weak and helpless, anyone can trample me.”

Family scandal as art

101

I have already said that during my life I have changed many places of residence, having visited different cities, so I cannot boast that childhood friends live next door. The good news is that one of my friends, with whom we literally sat on the same potty, still settled next to me, literally a year after I settled where I still live. We do not miss the opportunity to meet with Oleg once again, although, unfortunately, this does not happen as often as we would like.

And no matter how much young people say that after 50 we are already old... We are still as young at heart and vulnerable in body as in our youth. By the way, about vulnerability... Seeing Olezhka with a broken leg, young people will definitely think that he slipped in the bathtub or got caught over a shovel at the dacha... And Olezhka, by the way, broke his leg while playing football in a veteran amateur team (by the way, he’s not even the most senior at 52). That’s how his broken leg became another reason for our meeting.

- Hello, Petrovich, greetings! - Oleg began cheerfully, - You said there, they say, there will be a reason - we’ll meet... And the fact that a friend is bored alone within four walls in the summer is not a reason? – Are you offering to discuss your injury? Or play chess over a game? Let's go on the weekend then... Can you wait a couple of days? – I answered, hearing my friend. - No way on weekends! When my daughter arrives, there will be no time for chess and no time to discuss the fracture... She will read the lectures again because she is not taking care of herself. Let's go today, shall we? It’s almost evening, Friday... “Come on,” I answered after thinking a little and looking at my watch.

Even though we had to travel across the whole city, the joy from the meeting was, as usual, boundless. Maybe you would never have known about Olezhka’s broken leg if it weren’t for what happened while I was visiting. It was these events that formed the basis of my next story.

Before we had time to set up the chess, Olesya (Oleg’s wife) showed up with tea and some homemade pastries. Word for word with a friend, screams were heard very clearly. At first I thought that someone was swearing on the street, and I even began to listen. It turned out that a family scandal was beginning behind the wall. Probably the walls are thin, and there are balconies nearby, but in the summer they are open. What can I say, Oleg’s neighbors themselves weren’t at all embarrassed, they didn’t even try to tone down their tone. Therefore, it was possible to hear literally every word (if not every word, then the general meaning for sure). I purely mechanically moved the pieces on the board, and I listened to everything - well, it’s interesting.

– Did I spend a lot!? Who bought covers for the car!? And when??? While we are about to go on vacation... I was already imagining how I would buy all the perfume there, and maybe even some of the things! – throwing not the first accusation towards a man, a female voice shouted. - From things? Are things not enough for you? Although, what are there things! At least things stay for a long time and can be used, unlike your manicures! How much does it cost you? How's the new blouse?! - answered a male voice. - To hell with blouses, do you want me to look like a scarecrow? Then you should have married a scarecrow! Maybe the fearful woman would have endured what I did! Tell me, we’ve been living together for 7 years and every day I ask you to roll up a tube of toothpaste! Is it that difficult? - You need it, you twist it! I also ask you to put the TV remote control in just one place, and then after your shows I look for it all over the house! – I wish I’d ​​come home from work earlier, we’d watch it together and know where the remote control is! So you're all business, you need to stay longer than anyone else! - Yeah, most of all I need to take you to Egypt again in the summer, otherwise look, all I hear is “everyone is coming, and I want to, take me”! – So you regretted money on tickets? Fuck you! - Yes, you went yourself! - Maybe we can go together? – somehow abruptly changing the topic and intonation, but still with the same cry, a female voice rang out. - But let’s take it and go! Tomorrow! – a male voice answered not aggressively, but loudly.

All this time Oleg did not make a sound. He saw that I was trying to catch every word. I realized that I was really interested.

“They’re fast today,” my friend said, making another move on the chess field, without even looking at me. – So they do this regularly? – I asked, nodding towards the neighbor’s wall. – And how regularly! - Oleg answered, - 4 times a month, like clockwork, every Friday. The only exceptions are if holidays fall on Friday, then they are transferred to Thursdays. – Maybe it’s easier to get a divorce than like this... – To get a divorce? What you! – Already looking at me, Oleg continued, “They are the perfect couple!” The whole entrance is jealous of them... - Jealous? Why? - You know, Petrovich, come see me next Friday. I’ll still be here with my cast... It will be the third Friday of the month, I’m sure that you have never heard THIS before, as you will hear. And then I'll tell you everything.

Needless to say, my curiosity literally went off scale. It’s not for nothing that I, the Collector of life stories, try not to lose sight of a single detail. But even I, with my experience and insight, could not imagine what awaited me next Friday.

Having agreed to meet at 17.00, Oleg recommended that I not be late, saying that no one would be waiting for you, the scandal would begin as scheduled... But, unfortunately, circumstances forced me to be delayed, if only a little. That is, I came to Oleg already in the midst of family squabbles, if you can call them that. Olesya met me at the threshold and instead of greeting, she said: “Oleg told you to quickly take off your shoes and go to the balcony.” I did so, and quickly slid onto the balcony, only nodding to Oleg lying on the sofa, trying to listen to what was happening. I don’t know how it all started, but I was lucky enough to hear only this (note that everything was said soulfully and with a cry):

She:

And in a dream I wouldn’t have dreamed of what happened just the other day! Where have you been? Where were you, that you forgot to buy a loaf of bread!

He:

Why was it hard for me to find pants and a shirt? I asked you so many times that I don’t have the strength to remember: Well, don’t touch my clothes! Put away your tights!

She:

Have you ordered your tickets? Did you do as you promised? Or will I have to again? Everything comes easy to you! Then give it, then bring it! I'm tired of it, I have no strength!

He:

Well, then we’ll have a rest... Tomorrow we’ll go to a restaurant! Maybe there is something else I can do to be forgiven?

She:

I’ll tell you what I come up with! In the meantime, I'm going to take a shower.

After waiting a couple more minutes on the balcony, I realized that the next “scandal” was over. Literally dumbfounded, I walked out of the balcony into the room and immediately came across Oleg laughing (he laughed, looking at my bewildered look).

- Well, Petrovich? Haven't you seen this yet? More precisely, you didn’t hear? – Oleg asked through laughter. – Will you explain to me what it was? Last Friday and now? – I asked, sitting down next to my friend on the sofa. – When Maxim and Katya moved in next door, all of us as neighbors discussed their first scandal, like the one you heard last Friday. And then a week later we hear - they are swearing in poetry... Another week they are breaking dishes - in front of each broken thing they shout “for unwashed dishes”, “for unclosed toothpaste”, etc. Just when we thought that nothing could surprise us, another scandal took place in the form of a song battle. - Oleg, I already thought nothing would surprise me, but THIS... - Yeah, then everything repeats itself - a simple cry, poetry, breaking dishes, songs... And they don’t repeat themselves, devils. Let's just say that the neighbors don't mind - we all even turn down the TV every Friday at 17.00. “Well, you...” “Oh, this is Max,” Oleg said after letting me finish, hearing the doorbell ring. “I called him specially.” I wanted to tell you everything myself, but from first-hand it will be more reliable, for your collection.

Oleg quickly introduced us to Maxim, who turned out to be a pleasant young man, about the same age as my son Dimka.

“I won’t be long, Katenka is already heating dinner there, so I can’t linger.”

After these words, Maxim began his monologue:

“Oleg Viktorovich said that you started your project on the Internet with stories. He said this, asking me to tell you the essence of our stormy showdown. I will say this, I have become familiar with your site and see that many people are interested in it. I might not have told anyone else our story with Katenka, but to you... It may not be instructive, but I hope it will help someone save their family, as it happened with us.

Katenka and I have simply unbearable personalities... And bad habits that we can’t get rid of... I just can’t teach myself to hide my toothpaste. After a year of family life, they even tried to separate... We tried to live separately... Nothing worked out - they are drawn to each other... It’s just like they said about us - “together it’s cramped, but apart it’s boring”... And we, like two springs, endured, accumulated mutual reproaches, and then they exploded into such scandals that... it’s scary to remember.

One day we decided that it was time to change something and this couldn’t continue. The drastic decision would have been to separate, but neither of us, no matter what, wanted that. We decided to try visiting a family psychologist, although we didn’t expect much results... But it was at least an attempt to change something. I won’t bore you with the details of the entire process of “healing” our relationship, I’ll say this - nothing helped... Yes, there was calm for a while, but it turned out that the spring of mutual reproaches simply compressed more tightly, and then hit even more painfully.

And almost 2 years ago we attended a training conducted by some famous coach. Such an interesting guy, as it turned out, the psychologist, although not a family psychologist, but more in conflict management... So he listened to all our stories about relationships, attempts to resolve issues with a family psychologist, smiled and said:

– Well, if you can’t avoid scandals, then you won’t be able to heal your relationship. I have only one question - why compress the spring all the way? When you want to go to the toilet, do you go straight away? When you run out of food in the refrigerator, don’t you wait until you start to swell from hunger and go straight to the store? So make your scandals planned and...

In general, he advised us to try to do scheduled showdowns once a month, and said, if it’s not enough, make it more frequent. Empirically, we have learned that we need to express ourselves emotionally once a week. Even the day was not chosen in vain - after a hard week of work and before the weekend. And we let off steam and lift our spirits before the weekend... To say that it helps is to say nothing!..”

– Tell me, Maxim, do you really write poetry yourself? – when it became clear that Maxim had finished his short story, I asked. - What kind of poets are you? Let's order. We even have our own authors... We searched for a long time, but now ordering poems on any topic is not a problem. At first they tried it themselves - it wasn’t the right coat. And now we order our authors, describing the situation, or rather the claim that needs to be rhymed. It turns out, of course, not exactly a dialogue, but the main thing is that complaints are voiced. We don’t even learn this from memory; we read it from a piece of paper when there’s a scandal. – Maxim answered seriously. – By the way, reworking songs for scandals is also the work of our authors, from whom we buy poems. – So you’re not mad at each other for shouting and reproaching? – I asked, shocked by what I heard. - What grievances? For what? For the truth? We make real claims to each other. The most important thing is that we always adhere to the rules - no swearing or personal insults. Only a statement of fact regarding the claims.

To be honest, Maxim gave me pieces of paper with printed verses from today’s scandal. I gave permission to publish everything here as an example for those who decide to use his and Katya’s way of saving their family. I read them all, but I decided to share with you only the part that I heard personally. After that, Maxim quickly said goodbye and went to dinner.

- Well, Petrovich? Isn’t this in your collection of stories yet? – Oleg asked, smiling slyly, gesturing to sit opposite the chessboard. – You, friend, know how to surprise... Why were you silent for so long? What I didn’t say before is that you have SUCH interesting things going on here. - How many times have I invited you to visit? What about you? Either there are some excuses, or you are busy with something... But I kept waiting, I knew that there would be a reason to drag you in and arrange a surprise. - Oleg answered, - E2-e4, go. - Well, if I had known that such a story was waiting for me here, I would have rushed long ago... - You know, Petrovich, I’ll be honest... To see your face when you listened to all this, I would even break my leg again... I’ve known you for a hundred years, but I've never seen it like this...

***

They say that someone else’s family is in the dark... But some families, like Maxim and Katya’s, turn on a beam of light very loudly, allowing others to see some details in this darkness. Only someone makes a scandal, stooping to insults and sometimes assault... And someone elevates a family scandal to the rank of real art... I am now in a contradictory state, on the one hand, I don’t really want to advise making a scandal according to plan, and on the other... I’ll probably end my thoughts about the next story like this - I wish you never there were reasons for family scandals... And if it does appear, let it be according to the rules of Maxim and Katya and just as skillful and only to preserve the family.

A story from Petrovich's personal collection on

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Psychologist's advice

Family psychologists say that money is one of the main topics that causes almost a third of all quarrels in families.

Experts say that there are several reasons for scandals over money:

the desire to receive more without giving anything in return. In psychology, there is such an interesting concept as “balance of take and give”

Its essence is that for a harmonious and strong relationship it is important that each partner not only takes something from the other, but also gives something to him in return;

struggle for primacy and power. As you know, whoever earns more in a family is the boss

Many women are busy with their own careers, which creates many problems. When both spouses have a high and stable income, sooner or later rivalry arises between them;

opposing beliefs about finances. We all grew up in different families. For some, it was customary to immediately spend the money they earned; for others, it was customary to carefully save every penny. Conflicts may arise in a newly-made family due to opposing beliefs.

In any case, if there is a desire to solve problems, then everything can be fixed. Spouses should not give up on their relationship just because it seems to them that nothing will change.

You can avoid conflict situations by simply talking with your own spouse. A husband should know that every woman has the right to spend money on herself and her appearance. Moreover, she does this for the sake of her loved one, and not just like that.

Representatives of the fair sex believe that money is a means of acquisition. But for representatives of the stronger sex it is power.

It is because of this difference that disagreements and misunderstandings arise in newly-made families. The husband believes that the woman does not know how to accumulate money, and the wife, on the contrary, accuses her husband of greed.

The solution to the ongoing conflict is constructive dialogue. Partners must talk to each other. They are obliged to respect the opinion of their significant other.

Financial conflicts often arise because partners do not respect each other’s interests

In this case, it is important to analyze the problem. The first step in improving relations between spouses is a frank conversation about the problems that have arisen

Only by discussing them can we come to a common decision. A husband and wife should not file for divorce after the first quarrel in a legal marriage.

The first step in improving relations between spouses is to have a frank conversation about the problems that have arisen. Only by discussing them can we come to a common decision. A husband and wife should not file for divorce after the first quarrel in a legal marriage.

constant scandals in the family

History may seem long, stupid and typical. But maybe at least this text will help me understand myself, otherwise depression will soon swallow me headlong...

I am the mother of a one-year-old child. And starting from the 7th month of pregnancy, my life gradually began to turn into hell.

At this time, my mother and husband stopped talking at each other (we live separately) ... and then everyone began to pull the blanket over themselves. Scandals, scandals, reproaches, more scandals and all this all around.

The joint vacation almost reached the point of divorce, which my mother was very happy about.

So, having sorted things out with her husband, she became a prisoner of her mother’s whims.

After trying it on, she began to demand more and more attention. I spend the whole weekend with her (my husband works on weekends), Wednesday, Thursday, Friday are her days again.

I don't have a single friend left. I periodically meet with a classmate and godfather’s wife. But I return home before my mother arrives.

Constant lessons on how to raise and raise a child, while she herself teaches her daughter to misbehave - to play with switches, jump on the clothes dryer (it was already broken), walk on the table (they already peed on it), take apart all the boxes, cabinets, sort through jars. In general, make a mess in the apartment. All my comments are insults.

If I don’t do what he asks right this second, it’s a scandal. I was already a sh*t, a creature, an ungrateful brute. And so every time - scandal after scandal, scandal after scandal.

10 calls a day “what are you doing?”, “where are you?”, “who are you with?”... I’m under constant control - not a step aside... Then my husband joins in with his - “you and your mother communicate more than with me”...

If they meet in the same room, they go to different rooms, which is why I have to run back and forth...

If they have the same weekend, I remain guilty of not inviting her along. If you went with friends, you were guilty; if you went on your own, you were guilty.

I never said: “Let me stay with the child, and you relax/take a walk/go to the movies.” This is obviously prohibited. Grandma turns out not with help, but with my second child….

In recent months I have fallen into depression... every step I take is a quarrel or an insult. The accusations are that when her husband has a weekend, she does not come to us, they say she adapts to us in order to please us. (Question – don’t we have the right to spend time on our own?). She absolutely does not understand that I already have a family, responsibility and MY OWN SEPARATE life...

I don’t know how to deal with this situation... Sometimes I just have too much of her... and not enough of my own life...

And my husband, instead of helping, blames everything on me...

From his side - no help around the house or with the child... and reproaches - yesterday's dinner and toys scattered...

I stopped being myself, pleasing everyone.... There is no desire to do anything - neither around the house, nor for yourself, nor for the child... And every little thing can be the last straw...

And I just want to snap my finger and disappear...

How to stop quarrels?

However, if you approach the problem from a different point of view, it turns out that the causes of scandals in the family are not dirty dishes or carelessly thrown socks, but the evil spirits that live in your house. They swarm around and provoke you into quarrels. It is almost impossible to resist them on your own and avoid scandals.

What to do in this case? You need to surround yourself with helpers - strong spirits. In addition, you can make a special plot. This is a magical ritual that will help stop constant quarrels and improve family relationships. The conspiracy will create a special field of love and bring peace to the house. Often it becomes the only means to help get rid of scandals and maintain the union.

There is also a conspiracy that will come to the rescue of the spouses, and they will make peace even after a strong quarrel, when there is no longer any hope of improving the relationship. It will help you get rid of negativity, forget all grievances and move towards reconciliation. There is a conspiracy that will allow you to return your husband after he has left the family. Of course, it is better not to allow such an end to the relationship and to seek help in advance. But if this has happened, do not despair - everything can still be changed.

By the way, not only a conspiracy, but also magical music will help to bring your husband back after he left the family. It was created by a shaman in a state of trance. Every note here is designed to attract your loved one. Music allows you to improve relationships, so you can listen to it not only after your spouse leaves, but also at the moment when he is nearby.

It is important to remember that constant quarrels cause every second couple to divorce. Therefore, it is very important to stop them in time and improve relations

After you turn to the shaman for help and listen to her advice, your union is unlikely to be threatened.

How to avoid frequent scandals in the family

All families have conflicts and quarrels, but when quarrels develop into scandals and become regular, then living in such a family becomes unbearably difficult. However, this is not a reason to leave the family and abandon your loved ones, since if you wish, you can always improve family relationships and avoid frequent scandals.

How to avoid frequent scandals in the family:

If you constantly accumulate resentment within yourself, then over time it can develop into strong anger and even hatred. Therefore, it is always better to express all dissatisfaction with each other, and naturally this must be done in a calm tone. This will help people realize their mistakes and correct them in time, and then there will be fewer reasons to quarrel. You can even organize weekly family evenings, talk and express your dissatisfaction, but to prevent quarrels from recurring, each person in the family should try not to repeat their mistakes in the future.

In a family, it is always necessary to look for compromises that are convenient for all family members; if you learn to do this correctly, then no one will want to start a scandal. It is also very important to begin to understand each other, then a compromise will be easier to find. To try to understand a person, you need to put yourself in his place and try to feel what he feels.

Sometimes scandals in the family arise due to the constant fatigue of all family members, because many people have to work hard to ensure wealth in the family. To make scandals less likely to recur, you need to give your body a normal rest.

In a family, all members must be able to listen and hear each other; without this, it is unlikely that family relationships will be established. You also need to start communicating more, asking your loved ones how their day went. Some people quarrel due to lack of attention and communication, and if you devote more time to each other, then everything should work out in the family.

In almost every family, people are accustomed to blaming each other, not realizing that everyone involved in the scandal is always to blame for everything. Therefore, you cannot blame everyone around you except yourself, this way you will definitely not be able to improve relationships in the family.

If the situation in the family begins to heat up, then it is better to get away from the scandal in time, and, for example, go for a walk. Then you will quickly calm down and you will hardly want to continue the scandal. You can also take a light sedative and go to your room so as not to say too much.

Even during a big scandal, you should always think before you say or do anything. Words and actions cannot be taken back, and sometimes you can be very ashamed of what you said and did. If during a quarrel you manage to stop it in time and not say a lot of unpleasant words, then it will be much easier to cope later.

Elena,

What happens if a brawler doesn't find a worthy opponent?

In scandalous relationships, an “atmosphere of reciprocity” may develop, when both parties receive hidden pleasure from their stormy and emotional showdowns, but in some cases the situation may not be symmetrical.

During a conflict, one person is able to achieve catharsis and calm, but for another, such scandals turn into sheer torture, he does not receive any hidden pleasure and there is no mental release for him. Instead, the situation leads him to nervous exhaustion and psychosomatic reactions.

In the case when the “victim of scandals” begins to look for ways to avoid quarrels and finds some kind of strategy for “avoiding the conflict,” the other participant in the relationship, who is experiencing a “drug addiction” to scandals, may experience a specific “psychological withdrawal.” As a result, he begins to look for new and new reasons for grievances.

If they are not found, then he himself begins to insult his partner in the hope that he will finally stop playing the imperturbable person, will not be so “hypocritical” and will show his true essence.

As a result, one will look for ways to prevent conflicts, and his partner, on the contrary, will show ingenuity in provoking scandals.

Paradoxical situations occur when a “scandal-dependent person,” having not found reciprocity with the one with whom he lives, cheats on his partner not for the sake of searching for love and sex, but for the sake of having someone to quarrel with.

Use talismans

There are a great variety of them for all occasions. The main thing is to choose one that will work, and not just serve as a decorative element. Since ancient times, people have assigned an important role in maintaining well-being to precious stones and minerals. It is believed that emerald has the strongest creative energy. This stone stabilizes energy flows and distributes them evenly among all household members. Emerald symbolizes family, loyalty, devotion. This is a very useful gem.

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Pomegranate also has strong energy. It is a stone of love, mutual respect and controlled emotions.

Also, experts in the field of esotericism pay great attention to the tiger's eye. This is a semi-precious stone that ideally protects against the evil eye. Moonstone also has the ability to ward off trouble and neutralize negativity.

Many esotericists advise that you must have talismans in the form of animals in your home. Ideally, they are made of stones that destroy negative energy. But these talismans work even if they are made from other materials (such as clay, wood or plastic).

To prevent negative energy from accumulating in the house, you need to purchase a figurine of a turtle. This animal symbolizes peace and longevity. Place or hang the talisman in a place where it can be clearly seen.

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The dragon is another animal that can create a wonderful atmosphere in the house. This mythical character symbolizes wisdom and kindness. Buy a dragon figurine so that this talisman will protect you from all evil.

You have to beg your partner for money

For some reason you are not working. For example, you are on maternity leave or your partner told you: “Just stay at home, I can feed us.” You fulfill your part of the agreements, but your partner has completely concentrated the cash flows in his hands, and you have to ask for money for bread and a pacifier for the child, and then report with checks.

What to do

The situation smacks of economic violence, so arguing here is no longer effective. Of course, many couples live for years in a situation where one of the spouses does not work and seems happy, but not everyone succeeds. Surely, when you were planning a maternity leave or a career as a housewife, the agreements were different. Now you are in a completely dependent position, from which it is not easy to escape.

It is useless to quarrel; the control levers are still not in your hands. If the situation does not suit you, look for a source of income, make savings and leave.

Mistakes in managing a family budget

It is necessary to discuss:

• financial goals and ways to achieve them;
• family budget and how to spend funds;
• financial policy of the family (put a premium on a bank deposit or go on vacation, expand the living space or be content with the existing footage, focus on savings or actively take out loans, etc.).
• How to teach your child to handle money.

They live at random. Don't plan for the future

Without setting goals, it is difficult to achieve significant financial results. There must also be an understanding of how the financial task can be solved. Otherwise, you will probably be overcome by anxiety about the future.

They don't want to control the budget

Without control, individual items of the family budget can grow by 10-20% every year, so it is necessary to periodically check the state of finances. If you audit your budget at least a couple of times a year, you will immediately see whether you are within the limits of what is permitted, and how much the developed mechanism for distributing money helps you achieve your goals.

Are into altruism

Some Russians like to sacrifice their own interests and try to help others at the expense of themselves. Altruists do not have enough money left for personal needs. They hope that the problems they have created for themselves will suddenly disappear. Sometimes they try to change their attitude towards money, but it doesn’t work. You can get out of this situation if you follow a simple rule - pay first to your future. Immediately after receiving your salary, you need to transfer a certain amount of funds into suitable financial instruments.

They don’t praise themselves or their loved ones for financial success.

Without this, it is difficult to make friends with money. Checking your budget for the month and thanking each other for modest but consistent successes in financial matters is always pleasant and useful.

Family scandal: what do parents quarrel in front of their children lead to?

photo: https://www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/problemy_semi_i_rebenok._primer_raboty_psihologa

It also happens that parents do not hold back and begin to sort things out in front of the baby, this is a big mistake that traumatizes the psyche and has a strong negative impact. The gloomy atmosphere at home and the tense relationship between parents do not go unnoticed by the child - he sees, feels and experiences everything.

Children react very painfully to discord in family relationships. A child has several opportunities to force his parents to distract themselves from quarrels, and he does not always resort to these methods quite consciously and can explain what he is doing and why. Rather, given the general mood of the family situation, children intuitively find ways to solve the existing problem. And indeed, when a child has problems, when he behaves badly or studies poorly, parents are forced to forget about their differences for a while and take care of it.

In fact, the parents argued and quarreled because certain contradictions had accumulated in their relationship that required resolution. At that moment when a child “causes fire on himself,” they are indeed distracted for a while from their problems, but only for a while. If the child’s problems drag on too long and become insoluble, then they will no longer restrain the parents so well. When parents resort to threats, trying to normalize the behavior of their children, they have to tighten the promised punishments more and more each time, otherwise the children cease to be afraid of them. At first, when the child has just begun to realize the problems, this frightens the parents, they are ready to throw all their strength into fighting the difficulties, but some time passes, the severity of the problem is removed, and then an even greater frightening influence is needed. As a result, the child becomes more and more unhappy and less obedient. In such a situation, he can go from simple whims to significant misconduct and offenses in order to attract the attention of his parents and unite them.

Material prepared according to data: E.Yu. Yaroslavtsev “Childhood crises: “no” to whims and hysterics.”

You can find out even more useful information and tips on raising a child on our website.

Materials provided by the First Family Club "Abahaba".

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The statistics are sad. And now what i can do?

Sit down and talk.

It is stupid to destroy a family union because of money, especially since reaching an agreement is not so difficult. The main thing is to start a conversation and come up with rules that suit both.

For example, chip in for general expenses and spend the rest of your salary at your own discretion. This is the most non-conflict model of a family budget, when there is no need to account for every ruble spent: the wife will not make excuses for another new dress, the husband – for a new gadget. Everyone paid for the purchase with their own “pocket” money, no one had any questions.

But there is a nuance. Most likely, one of the spouses in the family earns more than the other. Therefore, it is worth distributing expenses in such a way as not to infringe on anyone: let everyone contribute to general expenses based on their income. You are still a family, not business partners.

Ivan receives 100 thousand rubles, and Masha - 50. Monthly expenses in their family are 70 thousand rubles. If everyone gives 35 thousand, then Masha will be offended: she only has 15 thousand rubles left, and Ivan has 65. It shouldn’t be like this.

Scandals in the family

Scandals in the family
Hello.

I am 24 years old. There are scandals in our family every day. It really annoys me that my husband is lazy. From work - straight to the computer. He doesn’t do housework, doesn’t walk with the child, doesn’t play, doesn’t pay attention to me. Well, at least he fulfills his marital duty.

I begin to make complaints against him, I say that he lives with a family, and not alone. He reacts very aggressively, with obscenities. Sometimes we fight in scandals, after which I want to get a divorce. My husband says he gets tired at work, but his job is sedentary, so why get tired? In general, it turns out that I do everything myself. How to stop these scandals in the family and awaken consciousness in the husband?

Hello.

It seems to me that it was not for nothing that you called sex a marital duty: it seems that you perceive your entire family life as a duty and obligation. I completely agree with you that household responsibilities should be shared, given everyone's workload outside the home. However, I still think that with all family responsibilities, people are together because they feel good with each other, and not because they have harnessed themselves to the cart and there is no turning back.

It turns out that you yourself provoke scandals in the family, trying to get your husband to do what you think he should do. Greater results can be achieved by calmly talking about the situation with family responsibilities. It is best to start this conversation not when you urgently need something, but at another time.

The blaming position you are taking puts your husband on the defensive and makes him very angry, hence the aggressive response. If you talk to him, being confident that you are right, he will stubbornly prove his point to you. I found a scythe on a stone, as they say. To change the situation in the family, you need to speak from the position that you are two equal people, each with their own truth. Your truth is that you are tired and want help, and his truth is that he is tired at work and wants to rest at home.

It is difficult to accept the idea of ​​equality if you are sure that you are right. But in reality, your confidence is yours alone. Another person may have a different opinion, and nothing can be done about it. It is possible to achieve some lasting changes in family life only through agreements, and agreements are possible only between equal partners. Try to change your view of the situation, and there will be fewer scandals at home.

PS If you like to read the “Question and Answer” section, I advise you to subscribe to new posts on the site so as not to miss anything interesting.

Reasons for quarrels and divorce over money

First, let's look at the main reasons why quarrels arise over money in the family. There are three of them:

1. the husband or wife shows dissatisfaction that the other party earns less or does not work at all;
2. one of the spouses is of the opinion that the other is not spending the common family budget correctly. The parties cannot come to the same opinion on how exactly the funds should be spent;
3. the wife or husband expresses dissatisfaction with the fact that the other party contributes only a small share of their income to the general family budget. The spouse considers this unfair and talks about it, which provokes another quarrel.

It is important to note that any scandals over finances in the family can in one way or another be attributed to one of the above reasons. Moreover, most likely misunderstanding arises because the type of family budget was not determined or agreed upon from the very beginning

In other words, the husband and wife did not initially talk about what kind of budget would be used in their new family. It can be common, separate or mixed. Well, or, for example, one of the parties will act as a breadwinner, and the other as a distributor.

One way or another, if quarrels arise between spouses over money, then most likely financial management has not been systematized. It should be understood that the family budget must have a given form, and it cannot be chaotic.

This indicates that lovers do not communicate with each other and do not discuss important matters relating to everyday life.

It is possible that the husband and wife did not even think about how the household would be run. And this is a fairly important stage in building strong family relationships.

If spouses do not communicate about everyday life and do not solve problems that have arisen, then it is not at all strange that scandals arise over money in the family.

To avoid conflict situations, you need to determine the type of family budget management in the future before entering into an official marriage. It is necessary to find out in advance who will be responsible for what.

As noted earlier, there are two main roles: provider and steward. Moreover, you need to choose so that each side is satisfied.

The most common causes of quarrels due to lack of funds:

1. unequal incomes. The husband or wife earns more and constantly reminds the second spouse of this. Moreover, requiring him to bring the same amount of money into the house;
2. temporary disability of the spouse. It often happens that a husband or wife is temporarily unemployed, which is why the family is in a difficult financial situation. This is also one of the reasons for quarrels;
3. lack of material resources. If a newly-made family does not have enough money, then scandals may arise on this basis. Spouses demand that each other earn more. Often one of the parties gets tired of such an unpleasant atmosphere and decides to get a divorce;
4. the stinginess of the spouse. It often happens that with high earnings, a husband (wife) allocates less funds for general needs for the reason that he simply wants to spend a little more on himself. This also provokes scandals.

Top topics:

Efim Shabshay, an expert in the field of emotional intelligence, offers 10 tips on how to stop scandal in the family and restore harmony in relationships.

Often in practice, even if spouses love each other madly, they are not immune to disagreements. This happens in almost every family. If for loving spouses scandals are resolved quickly and painlessly, then for others they can lead the couple to divorce. The bitterness from family feuds remains, accumulates and turns the marriage into a heavy cross.

Each subsequent scandal worsens an already difficult relationship and looks like an exacerbation of an incurable disease. The reason lies in the inability of spouses to control their emotions and revive love from moment to moment. If you want to save your marriage, you can learn this.

What needs to be done for this, in what direction to act?

Having been counseling couples for many years, Efim Shabshai has found effective methods to prevent scandal in the family and avoid conflicts.

Top 10 expert tips:

1. Remember that there are different views on the same things.

If you still doubt that this is so, then ask 10 people the question what happiness is. Some will say that happiness is having time to be alone with yourself, while others will say that it certainly means constant interaction with a partner.

Therefore, if you want to maintain love in your family, first of all, you need to change your attitude towards your own spouse and not consider him as an enemy. Even if you have a difficult relationship, this does not mean that your partner is to blame. And, of course, this is not a reason to constantly reproach him for this. If you continue to see your partner as an enemy, you will only have the desire to humiliate, trample and break him, that is, to defeat him - this will never restore harmony in your family.

Your partner is your friend. Remember that he is different, not like you, try to understand him.

2. Learn to hear others.

Show respect and attention to your other half, learn to listen and not interrupt. Let your partner speak to the end, and only then express your opinion without any tricks. At the moment of a storm of indignation rising within, ask the question internally: do I want another scandal or do I want to resolve the conflict peacefully.

3. Try to look at the world through your partner's eyes.

Try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and understand what he is going through and feeling. Even if your partner does not behave as you expected, remember that he also experiences emotions. This is not just your prerogative, so don't ignore his feelings. Try to see yourself through the eyes of your partner - this will expand and deepen your ability to feel, empathize, and ultimately you will be able to find a new approach to your partner.

4. Don't be your partner's mother or examiner.

If you want to maintain harmony in the family, then when talking with your partner, try to behave in such a way that he feels equal, and does not listen to lectures. You are not his parent, so you need to leave the teaching tone, stop considering yourself smarter and not predicting your spouse’s behavior.

Even if you bring more money into the family budget, this is not a reason to suppress your partner.

Do not take the position of the examination committee, do not pursue the goal of leading your partner to talk about his insidious plans towards you. If you see the negative in everything, you will never come to an agreement with your loved one.

5. Be noble, know how to give in.

Nobility is the presence of sublime motives in behavior. This quality is inherent in aristocrats. Be aristocrats of feelings! Know how to give in on little things and forgive the imperfections of other people. This will allow you to maintain harmonious relationships.

Even if the issue is serious and your partner is stubborn, try to convince your partner rather than accusing him of being stupid or stupid. Try not to raise your voice, find arguments that will convince your spouse to do what you want. But at the same time he must consider that the decision is his own.

Don't turn your relationship into a duel. Even if your partner acted badly, this does not mean that you should behave even worse in response. This will only push you further away from each other. And since you are reading this article, it means that you are planning to save your marriage.

In the process of writing his book, analyzing the causes of family conflicts, Efim Shabshai noticed that a scandal in the family most often arises due to the inability of partners to compromise.

“Develop this ability in yourself. Set yourself up to be willing to compromise. Don't persist in the little things. Be a sincere friend, not a consumer!” - he noted.

6. Look at yourself in the “mirror”.

Give more importance to your behavior during a conversation with your partner, especially if he is decisive. Watch your body language. Look in the internal mirror - what is your body posture during communication, what is your intonation.

If you sit with your hands hanging limply, you are eloquently making it clear that you are not interested in the conversation and its outcome is indifferent. And if you provoked your spouse to simply turn around and leave, then it is your fault.

Also learn to understand body language and facial expressions. If a person sits with his arms crossed on his chest, legs crossed, it means that he has mentally fenced himself off and it will be impossible to get through to him in a conversation. This kind of conversation makes no sense. If you notice that his fingers are pointing upward, he is uncompromising and very confident. And if the thumbs point down, then the person feels a little awkward. If you don’t see your fingers at all, you can assume that your partner is deceiving you or hiding something.

7. There is a time for everything, prepare the situation.

Don't sort things out spontaneously. For a conversation that is meaningful to you with your spouse, you need to prepare and think through every phrase. Calculate the options for your partner's answers and the possible outcome of the decisive conversation. Try to learn how to manage your relationships and not let everything take its course.

Don't start an important conversation at the wrong time; it won't be constructive and won't resolve the conflict. Tell your spouse that you intend to have the conversation, but let him choose when and where it will happen. This will put you in a more peaceful mood.

8. Learn to have a conversation, not a fight.

Efim Shabshai often says in his lectures that a scandal usually arises due to a banal inability to talk constructively with each other.

Let your partner speak, listen to what he is trying to explain to you. Perhaps there is nothing special in his desire, but he is not so wrong. When you understand what your spouse wants from you, it will be much easier to come to an amicable agreement.

Whenever you communicate with your spouse, try to be in a positive mood.

If you want to point out to your partner his unseemly act, there is no need to frame the conversation in an accusatory manner. Say something like, “I was hurt yesterday, but I love you. Just explain to me the reason for your behavior, maybe I’m also wrong about something.” Then you will have a constructive conversation, and not a meaningless squabble.

9. Offer solutions.

Try to avoid empty talk and reproaches, bring the conversation to specifics: “Okay, maybe I was harsh and have no right to blame you for coming home late. Let’s think about what we can do so that you don’t stay late and I don’t worry about it.” And offer your solution to the problem.

10. Keep your promises.

You shouldn’t give up talking about important family issues, even if you’re not ready. Try to reschedule the conversation for another day with a firm promise to discuss everything. If you constantly withdraw and avoid discussing family problems, then all conversations between you will come down to ordinary everyday phrases: “Please pass me the butter, thank you.” Keeping promises is respect for your partner.

“Your love and your marriage are always in your hands! Love and be loved!" - Efim Shabshai recalled.

Previously, the Observer wrote that there are five stages that herald the end of a love relationship.

Which of the stars is waiting for a new baby, and which is divorced - read on our Instagram!

What reasons can lead to violent showdowns regarding money?

Reason #1.

If one of the spouses spent too much money on some needs without coordinating the spending with the other spouse.

Firstly, it is useless to sort things out in a hot hand. Secondly, to prevent this from happening again, you need to plan your budget at least a month in advance. Of course, if no one is involved in family accounting, that is, income and expenses are not recorded on paper or electronic media, then, in fact, there is nothing to plan. So in any case, you should start by recording all income and expenses. Such accounting must be maintained daily and analyzed at the end of the month. Then the spouses will finally find out how much money they earn, and how much they spend and on what.

Reason #2.

One of the spouses is careful with money, while the other is wasteful.

In order to protect your light family boat from storms, you should somehow agree among yourself. Extremes should be avoided. Excessive saving is also harmful to normal existence, as is stupid squandering, which ends in credit slavery. Only calm conversations, constant written maintenance of family accounting and expense planning will allow you to resolve financial issues and not end up in a debt hole, from which it is very difficult to get out.

Reason #3.

If the reins of finance are in the hands of one of the spouses, the other finds himself in a subordinate state, which sooner or later will cause his protest, which can result in a major family scandal.

Personal experience

• ElenaC

  Conflict

• Svetlana

  Friction over money issues

• Sveta

  Money problem.

In no case should the rights of a spouse be infringed upon, otherwise the family may not be able to stand it and begin to fall apart at the seams. When planning a family budget, it is necessary to provide for the availability of certain amounts of money that will be in the hands and full ownership of each spouse. The amounts should be agreed upon in a calm state, without mutual claims, accusations and quarrels. One more thing. Each spouse must manage this personal money independently, without reporting or reporting to their partner, unless they themselves want to brag. Only such rules can guarantee some financial freedom, without which there is and cannot be a happy marriage.

Reason No. 4.

Family disputes over money can also arise if only one of the spouses knows how to handle money, and the other is a complete ignoramus in money matters.

In this case, one cannot expect coordinated actions, and those who do not know how to handle money are capable of making all sorts of mistakes. Mistakes, naturally, will cause a storm of protest from the second spouse, who has temporarily retired for an objective reason. Consequently, both spouses must certainly control the situation, although one always remains in charge.

Scandals in the family and is there salvation?

Every person has his own idea of ​​a perfect relationship and an ideal family nest. They are all different, but most dream of a quiet haven where they can hide from reality and enjoy communication with loved ones and family, without shouting and conflicts. Some are constantly working on creating such a family ark, but others are not succeeding. Quarrels and scandals often occur in such couples.

Causes

Psychologists say that scandals and family conflicts can and should be fought. But at the very beginning it is worth stopping to find out the reasons, of which there are quite a few:

• Different interpretation of the very feeling of love. For women, as a rule, this means care, understanding, affection, and men mean by this concept support, approval, admiration.

• Financial problems most often become the cause of family discord. And here we mean not only a lack of funds, but also, for example, the dependence of the spouse on the financially wealthy half.

• Jealousy is one of the oldest and most common causes of family conflicts.

• Cheating on a partner, his betrayal and the inability to “swallow” the pain often lead to screaming and swearing among married couples.

• Attempts to raise a partner to one’s own taste greatly irritate the “pupil” and lead to discontent, and as a result, to scandals.

• Different statuses, value systems, methods of raising children - all this provokes one of the partners, usually the “weaker” one, to cross the acceptable boundaries of communication and “descend” to quarrels and scandals.

• Alcoholism and drug addiction are another cause of conflict.

• Constant struggle for leadership in family relationships.

• Lack of freedom for one of the family members.

• Inability to express your thoughts and emotions.

How to deal with the problem?

Despite the almost hopeless situation, avoiding a scandal and preventing their occurrence in the future is quite possible. Experts recommend the following methods of fighting for a family idyll:

• Ability to control emotions. Of course, it will be difficult right away, but over time a person will learn not to rush into a fight, but, having calmed down a little, begin dialogue.

• The ability to look at a situation realistically, and not strengthen it with the help of fantasies and speculation.

• Ability to find a convenient time for conversation. The point is that the conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere when both partners are ready for it. Therefore, finding the right time is very important.

• In conversations, you should look for the cause, and not discuss the result that already exists.

• Past grievances should not be brought into discussions of the present conflict, because what was already cannot be changed, but you can work with the present.

• Ability to solve problems as they arise, rather than putting them off.

• Ability to avoid insults.

• In conversation, it is better to avoid irony and causticism, because they may serve to further inflame the conflict.

• Hysterics should not be tolerated. If a person feels that he cannot control himself, then it is worth moving the conversation to a time when emotions will subside a little.

• Don't pay attention to individual words. You need to try to hear the entire text, and not individual phrases.

• The ability to act unexpectedly is also a good help. It often happens that, for example, a gentle hug from a spouse is quite capable of calming down the raging half. It’s worth adopting this method!

• The ability to restrain the desire to interrupt your spouse. Psychologists advise giving the opportunity to speak first to one and then to another person.

• The ability to tell and convey a resentment to your other half in a timely manner, and not to harbor it for many months or even years.

• It will also be undesirable if, for example, relatives or friends of one of the family members are mentioned in the conversation. This will cause irritation even more and give rise to the next scandal.

• It is necessary to try to diversify your family life, because... boredom and monotony lead to discontent and misunderstanding between people. You can, for example, find a common hobby that you both like.

But the most important thing is mutual respect, the ability to listen and support your partner. If there is love, understanding and care for each other, then no quarrels and scandals can destroy strong family ties and separate loving hearts!

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Why do spouses quarrel?

We're not talking about formal occasions like socks scattered around the room and other nonsense. Any scandal is based on one of the significant reasons.

1. The desire to prove one’s own superiority to one’s partner. It would seem, what kind of competition can there be between the closest people? Unfortunately, in a Soviet family consisting of those who grew up with a lack of attention from their parents, this phenomenon is not uncommon. Those born in the USSR developed a certain personality type. Although they were instilled with the value of preserving marriage at any cost, they were not explained why and how exactly.
2. The desire to convince a partner. The same soviet mentality, if it persists in only one person in the family, can become a serious problem. Any nonsense can cause a scandal. For example, the head of a family may have a constant fear of living expensively because of what others will think. But his wife and children want a better car and go to the seaside once a year. Even if income allows, for a man with a Soviet mindset this may be a way out of his comfort zone.
3. Subconscious desire to get a divorce. Alas, the psychology of relationships and wisdom, the ability to maintain a marriage, are not taught in schools. Therefore, when difficulties arise, the first thought for many is to break off the relationship. At the same time, a child or financial difficulties may stop you, so you have to endure. But discontent accumulates and results in a constant cycle of scandal-silence-reconciliation.

Scandal in Krasnoyarsk: a teacher insulted the family of a child in a wheelchair

“Why do some people treat a person with special needs as an inferior being?” The question is on the page of the Krasnoyarsk Drama Theater, asked under a photograph of a child in a wheelchair. His name is Vanya - and two actresses came to visit him - specifically to take pictures.

This is a kind of flash mob that started in the regional capital as a reaction to an acute situation in one of the local schools. The mother of a first-grader with a genetic disease complained about the strange attitude of the teacher towards the new student. Vanya participated in the ceremony along with everyone else. However, while taking photographs, the teacher suggested taking two different general photographs. First, together with a special student, and then without him.

And this, as the mother explained, is not at all the approach that parents of severely disabled people expect from a public school. Naturally, the conflict was considered discrimination, and the story instantly caused a wide resonance. It came to the intervention of the mayor's office and education officials. How was the situation resolved – and why did it arise in the first place?

Some Internet users called this scandal a story about how a special child, from the first grade, must prepare for the cruel realities of adult life. It’s hard to believe that the teacher suggested taking two versions of the photo on Knowledge Day - one with Vanya, whose face is “not very good” for some, and the other without him, for other children. But these are the realities of school No. 133 in Krasnoyarsk, which the prosecutor’s office understands.

At school, as often happens, there are now no comments. All through the Department of Education. Who is this teacher, what experience does she have in teaching, there are a lot of questions. But the officials' answer was contained in about 20 seconds of a short comment. The conflict is over.

“Unfortunately, this situation happened. For the teacher, this was a new experience, she had not previously worked with special children, at the moment the boy has a new teacher, and at the moment the situation has been exhausted,” said Ekaterina Usatenko, press secretary of the main department of education of the Krasnoyarsk administration.

Now Vanya’s mother does not give any comments. The child’s new teacher has already been appointed, but he will remain in his first “A”. But, apparently, most of the time you will have to study according to an individual plan.

“If a child, according to doctors’ conclusions, can adapt, then of course both the school and the children should do everything possible. I want to say that I also see this situation in real life, in ordinary schools, and not in the one in which this happened, no one talks to children,” says Olga Letkova, chairman of the Association of Parents’ Committees and Communities.

If parents don’t want a group photo with Vanya for their children, then the problem is not only with the teacher of this school. The teacher has authority and must break stereotypes herself, protecting the rights of any child.

How tactful the teacher from Krasnoyarsk turned out to be will be decided by a special commission. However, the story may have a happy ending if the now former class teacher is given a second chance.

“This is not the first such news in the last six months, just remember the teacher who asked the girl to draw a prosthesis, remember the story when the girl drew a grandfather without a leg, and the teacher asked to draw a leg. This is not a problem with teachers; they don’t need to be hated or offended now. This is a problem in our society,” says Dmitry Ignatov, paraathlete, author of the vlog “Vlog without legs.”

Vanya’s mother definitely didn’t expect such a fuss. She has other concerns. Keeping a child alive costs both great moral strength and even greater financial costs. So, maybe the scandal will help, at least attract new funds to help him. It’s easy to find contacts using your mom’s nickname on Instagram.

Your partner earns a lot, but does not share

Your other half has a good salary, but you live quite modestly. Attempts to encourage your partner to be generous lead nowhere, and you have to walk around with a smartphone of the penultimate model.

What to do

This is again a matter of agreement. Essentially, if you are an adult capable person without burdensome circumstances in the form of maternity leave or something similar, no one is obliged to support you, this is a voluntary matter. On the other hand, relationships imply a certain pooling of resources, including material ones. It is better to discuss methods in advance. It can be:

• Total budget. The income of both is stored in a nightstand or in one account, and each takes as much as necessary. To avoid arguments, discuss major expenses and try to use common sense. It can be a good idea to create a long-term spending plan.
• Shared budget. For general expenses, you chip in equally or give a certain part of your income as a percentage. Everyone spends the rest at their own discretion.

Grow the right flowers

Many indoor plants can neutralize bad energy. Among them are cyclamen, eucalyptus, primrose, hyacinth, and begonia. The fragile and delicate beauty of violet also helps improve the atmosphere in the house. It is a powerful energy transformer. She absorbs the negative and passes through herself. On the contrary, the violet gives out calm, peaceful and creative energy, bringing well-being and harmony to the house. In addition, this flower attracts wealth. Therefore, violets must be grown in every home.

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Another green helper that creates a wonderful atmosphere in the family is ivy. Some people believe that climbing plants are a nuisance. This is true if you place a flower pot near a window or, for example, in the bedroom. In order for ivy to help preserve family happiness, it should be located near the entrance doors. The fact is that this plant is considered a kind of energy gate. Ivy does not allow bad energy into the house, and does not release good energy.

Should I file for divorce from my husband over money?

Psychologists and economists recommend that when choosing a family budget, you should be guided by the following important rules:

1. Of course, you should not choose a completely general budget. It is suitable only for those couples who do not conflict over every little thing. If spouses give in to each other, then they can pool their money and form a so-called common “treasury”. But, as statistics show, there are only a few such pairs;
2. if the husband and wife both earn quite well, then it is better to use a separate family budget, since, as a rule, they will not have a subject of dispute. Consequently, the risk of conflict situations will be minimized;
3. if the husband and wife are considered to be the average residents of the state who cannot boast of sufficient wages, then it is better to give preference to a mixed type of budget. Moreover, it is imperative to determine in advance which part of the salary will go to the common wallet, and which part will be allocated for the spouses’ own expenses;
4. If one of the parties earns significantly less than the other, or has no income at all, you should try not to appoint this family member as the manager. At a minimum, it is recommended to manage the family budget together. To avoid quarrels, it is always better to ensure that the finances are managed by the one who earns them.

You don’t need to jump right in and run to the registry office to file for divorce. Some problems can be easily solved by simply talking to each other more. If there is mutual understanding, pressing problems can be discussed.

When it comes to creating and using a budget, most quarrels and conflicts can be easily avoided. When financial problems arise, you need to sit down at the negotiating table and discuss everything thoroughly. It is necessary to find out the causes of conflicts and try to eliminate these problems through joint efforts.

Scandals over money in the family: how to avoid and what to do?

10/14/2013 15 720 13 Reading time: 10 min. Rating:

Author

: Konstantin Bely

I want to talk a little about scandals over money in the family : why they most often arise, how to avoid them and how to deal with them if they already occur. Unfortunately, money quarrels have become increasingly common in recent years. Often they can lead to the formation of a serious crack in the relationship between spouses and even to divorce, so financial issues in the family should be taken very seriously, and it is best to take care of developing the basic rules for forming and spending the family budget even before marriage.

So, first, let's determine the main reasons why quarrels arise over money in the family.

Reason 1 . One of the spouses is unhappy that the other spouse does not earn enough or does not earn at all.

Reason 2 . One of the spouses believes that the second spouse is spending the family budget irrationally. The spouses do not come to a consensus on where exactly the family budget expenses should be directed.

Reason 3 . One of the spouses is dissatisfied that the second spouse contributes too little of his income to the general family budget and spends too much of it on personal needs.

Any scandals in the family over money can one way or another be attributed to one of the above reasons, that is, there are only three reasons! But in fact, all these three reasons can be reduced to one single factor: the type of family budget has not been determined or agreed upon in the family.

In other words, the spouses did not initially agree on what type of family budget would be used in their family: joint, separate or mixed, which of them would play the roles of breadwinner and distributor. If quarrels arise in a family over money, most likely, the management of household finances is not systematized, the family budget does not have a precisely defined form and is conducted chaotically. It is likely that the family has not even thought about how the household budget will be managed... And this is very important! Remember the example with the enterprise. Thus, it is not surprising that under such circumstances, scandals occur in your family over money.

Accordingly, in order to prevent conflicts over money in the family, it is necessary, already at the stage of creating a family, before marriage, to determine the type of family budget management in the future family, distribute the roles of breadwinner and manager, and jointly choose options that would suit both.

At the same time, I would recommend that when choosing the type of family budget, you should be guided by the following rules:

1. Try not to choose a completely joint family budget at all, unless, of course, you are both absolutely conflict-free people who are capable of giving in to each other in everything. And such a situation, as we know, is extremely rare.

2. If you both have fairly good incomes, it is best to use a separate family budget, since this way, in essence, you will not have the very subject of the dispute, which means that the likelihood of conflicts over money will be much lower.

3. If you are one of the average residents of the country who cannot boast of good earnings, choose a mixed type of family budget, having determined in advance what share of earnings will go to the general family budget and what share will be allocated for the personal expenses of the husband and wife.

4. If the income of one of the spouses is significantly lower than the income of the second or is absent altogether, try not to appoint this family member as a manager. At a minimum, the family budget should be distributed jointly, but in order to avoid quarrels over money, it is always better to make sure that the person who mainly earns it manages the family money.

I formulated these rules based on personal experience and experience communicating with other people. Of course, it cannot be said that they are suitable for absolutely everyone without exception, but experience shows that scandals over money in the family most often arise when the second member of the family wants to manage the earnings of one family member, or when the spouses have no money for personal needs, which is a sign of a joint type of family budget.

Thus, I am sure that by initially dotting all the i's in matters of forming and using the family budget, most conflicts over money in the family can be avoided. However, what if you only found out about this now, and scandals over money are already taking place?

First of all, as in the case of family conflicts arising on absolutely any issue, it is necessary to sit down at the negotiating table, discuss the problem, determine the reasons for its occurrence and try through joint (this is very important!) efforts to eliminate these reasons.

In no case should you use the following expressions when resolving a conflict over money:

• You don't earn enough!
• You don't bring home money!
• You're wasting your family budget!
• And so on.

After all, the phrases would sound much better:

• In our family, the type of family budget has been chosen incorrectly;
• We do not keep track of household finances;
• We don't know how to manage household finances;
• And so on.

In this case, you can refer to an authoritative source - the personal finance site Financial Genius. Agree, this way your arguments will sound more weighty, it will be clear that you did not come up with these “abstruse phrases” yourself, but have already searched for a solution to your joint problem and found it.

Please note that in the first options the pronoun “you” is used, and in the second - “we”. And the second options sound more intelligent; they do not imply further incitement of conflict over money, like the first ones, but, on the contrary, contribute to solving the problem that has arisen. Remember that in any conflict BOTH spouses are to blame. And the problem can only be solved through JOINT efforts. Until you think so, the conflict will remain unresolved.

So, to summarize the above, in order to resolve a conflict over money, you need to:

1. Jointly acknowledge the problem;
2. Discuss the problem together;
3. Jointly determine ways to solve the problem.

These solutions in this case will consist in a more competent approach to managing household finances, “accepting” the type of family budget, and a clear distribution of the roles of each family member in managing this budget.

Competent management of the family budget and agreed upon by both spouses will resolve quarrels over money that have arisen in the family and prevent the occurrence of financial conflicts in the future. Do not forget that both family members should participate in managing household finances, and each of them should be interested in filling the family budget and spending its funds as efficiently as possible.

This concludes this topic. I hope that now you have an effective way to resolve and prevent scandals over money in the family, and all you have to do is implement it. If you have any additional questions, I will be happy to answer them in the comments. See you again!

Estimate:

How to create a joint account?

Give access to the account to family members.

Every card has its own account. Now some banks have expanded their capabilities and allowed you to connect several people to your account. For example, clients of Alfa-Bank have this opportunity.

To create a “Family” account, all you need is the Alfa-Mobile mobile application. Go in, create it and give it a name.

Up to four people can use a common account. For example, husband, wife and elderly parents whom you help with money. You can connect not only relatives, but also close people (for example, if you live in a civil marriage).

If you want to connect an Alfa-Bank client, add him by mobile number.

If not, order a card in the app (you only need your name and phone number). To pick up cards, you do not need to go to the branch: the courier will deliver them to your home.

Principles of proper financial education of children

1. First of all, you need to be an example worthy of emulation. The child will subconsciously adopt how adults treat money.
2. Instill in your child an interest in the basics of financial literacy. In recent years, a lot of different formats of information on this topic have appeared: cartoons, books, games, tasks, etc.
3. Don't forget about the practical side of things. Plan purchases together, choose products based on price/quality ratio. Instill skills in managing a personal budget, teach them to save for their goals, etc.

People who learned the basics of handling money in childhood have a much easier time starting adult life.

Your partner earns little

It seems that this complaint is directed at men more often, but women also face it often. There is not enough money, and one partner begins to reproach the other for not trying enough for the common good.

What to do

There are too many factors at work here, and talking in this matter is more important than counting. Be realistic: not everyone is cut out to make millions, no matter what the motivational quotes say. Moreover, no one should do this.

If your significant other is content with what they have, value other qualities in them and take over earning money for yourself or look for another partner. Re-educating an adult is a thankless and pointless task. Better spend this energy on something for which you will be paid.

We fight about money. How to fix everything?

In the life of any family, the topic of money is one of the most pressing and in most families one of the most painful. Alas and ah. Only a few people talk “on the shore” about how the family budget will be built.

“Why should I give up my seat, I’m tired from work?” What is male infantilism

After all, everyone is happy, everyone is in love, he showers him with flowers and champagne, she buys groceries and cooks incredible meat in French. And then everything worked out conveniently: either he would pay in the store, or she would pay. On vacation? In half. But one day (if, of course, they decide to be together) the question will arise about who pays for diapers... In my practice, I often encounter situations where husbands “kick out” their wife to work as soon as she was able to raise her head after giving birth.

What should we do if it becomes obvious that something has gone wrong with the distribution of the budget in our family?

First, voice your doubts to your partner. Talk

Try to negotiate (here it is very important to hear and listen to each other).

Secondly, try to analyze how budgetary tasks were solved in your parental family and in your partner’s family. What experience do you have? What model of interaction between husband and wife was learned from childhood. It is obvious that if the wife grew up in a family where the breadwinner was the father, who was generous to his wife and children, and the husband grew up next to his mother and grandmother, who lived from salary to pension, and gave everything to their only grandson and son, there will be a conflict of interest inevitable. And not because someone is good and someone is bad. No! Just different.

Thirdly, do not forget that there are family psychologists in the world. And they exist to help those who want to reach an agreement.

– The main causes of family scandals –

Every family relationship, starting with absolute harmony, mutual understanding and the desire to please each other, sooner or later runs into problems. The paradox is that these disagreements and quarrels are traditional and trivial. They pass from generation to generation, from family to family, like a precious heirloom. As life shows, the basis of these scandals is everyday everyday situations. At the same time, experts assure that most senseless quarrels can be easily avoided if you know why they arise. Psychologist and parapsychologist Sergei Shevtsov-Lang will talk about the main reasons for family quarrels.

I know better!

Every married couple has a leader. This is an axiom. At the initial stage of the relationship, when lovers yield to each other in everything, this is not as noticeable as in the middle phase of marriage. However, after several years of living together, the spouses begin to overestimate each other: dissatisfaction with the partner grows, and with it the number of meaningless scandals. Everyone defends their position, proves their superiority and rightness. Even in the simplest, unimportant situations. For example, when a husband and wife argue about who has the right to use the TV remote control, who drives a car better, who washes the dishes faster, etc. Unfortunately, such scandals that arise out of nowhere become an integral part of family life, gradually destroying its foundation - Love. Often the struggle for leadership leads to sad consequences: a man and a woman, having not learned to give in to each other, file for divorce. But maintaining harmony in the family is very simple: it is enough to admit that each spouse is superior to the other in certain activities. For example, there is nothing more natural than the fact that a woman is better at housework, and a man is more masterful with a shovel or screwdriver.

Who will wash the dishes?

Sharing household responsibilities is a perennial problem for many families around the world. Conflict breaks out, as a rule, over the most ordinary reasons. The husband and wife cannot agree on who will wash the dishes, cook dinner, bathe the children, etc. At the initial stage of married life, when harmony reigns in the family, each of the lovers is ready to happily shoulder all household problems in order to please their partner. However, this is precisely what subsequently leads to pointless disputes. The husband reproaches his wife for not wanting to cook dinner, and she reminds him with resentment that he himself once happily took on the task of cooking. Constant petty discord that arises on this basis cools the relationship between the spouses, making them irritated and embittered. And often, by the way, they become the cause of divorce. To prevent such an outcome, a man and a woman should determine in advance the range of their household responsibilities. There will be no subject of quarrel - there will be no reason for another scandal.

Family budget

Money is the most prosaic and common cause of marital scandals. Russian scientists conducted a public survey, which showed that financial disputes regularly break out in 78% of families. Specific reasons can be very diverse: from dissatisfaction with the husband’s income level to the wife’s excessive wastefulness. However, official statistics also confirmed the fact that most of these scandals have no basis. Money is at the center of contention only because it is an integral part of married life. And they can, as if by magic, turn even the most insignificant quarrel into a huge scandal or an ongoing confrontation between two sides.

Lack of control

Building happy family relationships is hard daily work. But, unfortunately, most spouses forget about this after the first year of marriage. A man and a woman who once knew how to cope well with negative emotions, not allowing them to break out and hurt their partner, eventually lose control over their feelings. Sometimes this is facilitated by stress received outside family life. For example, at work. Not allowing them to throw out their anger and aggression on their colleagues, the spouse “breaks down” at home - on those closest to them. Of course, there will always be a reason. A person cannot contain his emotions and, as a rule, significantly exaggerates problems, subconsciously making the offending partner the culprit of his troubles. As practice shows, conflicts under stress never pass without leaving a trace: if they do not lead to divorce, then at least they damage the psychological climate in the family. On the contrary, in families where spouses know how to restrain emotions, serenity and happiness always reign.

This is my child!

Disagreements in raising children are also the subject of many family scandals.
In this case, the reason for conflict may be not only different views on the system of punishment or reward for the child, but also the choice of toys, diapers, clothes, etc. Dad, as a rule, tries to defend his unshakable authority in the dispute, and mother proves her natural superiority: her maternal instinct. In any case, while the parents sort things out, it is the child himself who suffers first of all. It is a scientifically established fact: children react to adults’ quarrels very painfully, and in 99% of cases they blame themselves for it. Therefore, parents for whom different views on upbringing become a stumbling block should think about this: every next scandal causes irreparable damage to the child’s psyche. And if you take a closer look at the root of the problem, it turns out that the “war” is completely meaningless: each of the parents loves the child from the bottom of their hearts, but at the same time can be an expert in only a few areas, in some ways inferior to their partner. Recognizing this means giving your baby a happy childhood. All articles