Many women only imagine happy motherhood in their dreams. Endless worries about the child, attempts to teach him normal behavior in public places, high expenses, periodic health problems - these are the things that can ruin the first years after the birth of the baby. Make no mistake: even if a young mother shows in every possible way that she is happy, she still constantly accumulates fatigue from the child and everyday life. What to do if you are really tired of this life?
What are the reasons for fatigue from the child and everyday life?
Sometimes women try in every possible way to convince themselves that life is filled with joy because they have small children. But this is just self-deception. It’s normal to be afraid to admit that the everyday life of motherhood is a burden to you. Public opinion dictates that you should radiate energy, constantly take care of your child, and communicate with other young mothers. In fact, such efforts lead to total fatigue. Because focusing on motherhood alone and meeting all the baby’s needs sooner or later leads to nervous and physical exhaustion.
Even if you try to stay close to your child as long as possible, don’t consciously go out of maternity leave, spend all your free time with your heir, at a certain moment a feeling of emptiness and hopelessness appears. The point is that a person who loves his children should not invest exclusively in them. Life, in which there is nothing else except education, becomes a burden. This already threatens not only fatigue from the child and everyday life, but also constant nervousness, breakdowns, swearing, and so on. What to do?
If you are “tired of the child.” When to go to a child psychologist
If something happens to a child (or parents), you should not harbor fears and be tormented by doubts; it is better to consult a psychologist. It is likely that there is no cause for concern. And if the problem still exists, it can be corrected in time.
senior methodologist at the Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical Center, psychologist Irina Vshivkova, told AiF :
— First, let's decide why go to a psychologist. A psychologist is someone who can help understand what is happening to a child. Accordingly, you need to contact a psychologist when something happens to a child that is not entirely clear to the parents. Moreover, it is better to come to a psychologist and sort out the situation together with the father or grandmother, or another relative who is very worried about the child. Otherwise, the search for what is wrong with the child will continue. Here are the main reasons why you should not postpone a visit to a psychologist.
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The child's behavior and mood changed dramatically. For example, he was active, but became passive. Was aggressive - became very quiet. Or vice versa. That is, the child’s behavioral habits, emotional reactions, etc. have changed. In this case, it is advisable, as soon as this appears, to consult a psychologist. Because the longer you don’t do this, the greater the chances of “driving” the problem that the child has inside. And it will be more difficult to cope with it.
There is something you don’t like about your child’s behavior. Maybe he doesn't sleep very soundly. Maybe the child is not as neat as you would like and as you think a child born into your family should be. You don't like him taking your things or money without asking. Or he’s hiding something from you, he’s just lying. It doesn't matter what you don't like. At the same time, you ask the doctor, teacher, etc. the questions that concern you about your child, and everyone answers you: “He will outgrow it!” In this case, I also recommend going to a psychologist. Yes, indeed, often the problem can go away without a trace with age. But it may also bring with it some additional difficulties. And it will be difficult to correct them later. Contacting a specialist in a timely manner helps to understand the problem and change the situation, making the child behave as you like.
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Caregivers and teachers constantly or from time to time repeat that the child is inattentive, restless, and unable to remember (do, accomplish) something. In general, they hint that your child is developmentally delayed. Before you believe, go to a psychologist. A specialist will conduct a diagnosis and help find out what is preventing the child from being focused. And what can be done to fix it.
Some serious event happened in the family. For example, moving to another city, buying a new apartment, the birth of a child, death of a relative, loss of property, etc. Even the simplest situation: a cat is lost, you cannot find it. To you, adults, this does not seem like such a big event; you see that the child does not particularly react to it. We recommend that you consult a psychologist at least within a month after the incident, even if the child’s behavior has not changed. Many of the consequences of encountering such changes in a child’s regular life do not arise immediately. And, unfortunately, by the time they appear, they often become a serious problem that worries parents, educators, and teachers. And if you immediately help a child to correctly survive what happened in his life, then he accepts the situation something like this: something is changing, but we move on.
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Are you tired. It's hard for you parents. Your child is good, but you are incredibly tired. It doesn't matter why. For example, a child is very talented, you have to take him a lot to different sections. Or you are tired of the fact that all the worries about the child fall on you. And you begin to understand that it is becoming increasingly difficult for you to restrain yourself and not lash out at your child. Maybe you are already breaking down, maybe you are on the verge. By contacting a psychologist, you can understand what needs to be changed in your relationship with your child so that it does not aggravate your other problems. What to do to make it easier for you. Moreover, children always feel when the parent is tired. And it is important that the child does not begin to think that the reason is in him: “Mom is tired of me, so it would be better for me not to exist, and I will leave home.”
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The child will not speak at all, will not master the skills that seem to correspond to his age. That is, something is not happening as they say in books, or as parents who know them tell us. The child is wonderful in every way, you are very happy about him, but... the way he masters speech, games, etc. is a little different from how other children do it or as it is described in the literature. A psychologist will help you figure out what is really worth worrying about, what needs to be changed, and what is just unnecessary parental fears.
The child is too anxious, whiny, restless. Excessive emotionality of a child can also be a reason to go to a psychologist. Let's say a child cries when it seems to you that there is no point in crying, he is afraid when there seems to be nothing wrong.
The child's environment has changed. Let's say a child always played in the yard with Masha and Petya, he was invited to birthday parties. Suddenly the child plays alone for one and two months and is not invited to birthday parties. At the same time, the child answers your questions: “Everything is fine.” Go to a psychologist! Most likely, there was a quarrel, a conflict, and the child does not know how to get out of it, how to tell you about it, and has already found himself in some isolation.
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School hazing. Psychologist on how to avoid bullying by peers
The child is ridiculed and mocked by others more often than other children. A specialist will help you find out why the child constantly finds himself in the role of a victim and an outcast, and teach him different behavior. It's not that difficult if you start on time. Moreover, the situation can be corrected regardless of the child’s age—he is 3 years old or 14 years old.
You notice that the child is not entirely friendly towards our smaller brothers. On the one hand, all young children tend not to play very carefully with kittens, hamsters, and puppies. They may choke you slightly, because the strength of the hug is not yet controlled. But this doesn't mean anything. If you see that a child is deliberately a little bullying an animal, testing how much the animal can endure, etc., you should contact a psychologist. If a child experiments on an animal, there is probably something missing for him to behave in a way that is acceptable in human society.
The child is often sick. He regularly gets colds, his stomach hurts, or he often falls and gets bruises, fractures, etc. Not all health problems are caused by physical disorders. Some of them may be a reflection of the child’s psychological state, or so-called psychosomatics. Mental state can affect coordination, strength of immune defense, etc. You can react to some situation immediately, or you can suppress emotions, keep them inside, and then your stomach or head will hurt. Look into this with a psychologist. And then, perhaps, it will be possible to recover from frequent illnesses.
How to deal with your child if you are tired
To begin with, you should properly organize your interaction with your baby, and not take on all the responsibilities and burdens of motherhood exclusively. You also cannot deny your own fatigue, otherwise neither those around you nor the kids themselves, if he is already at a more or less reasonable age, will never get off your neck. You can offer such ways of communicating with your child and those “close” to your family in order to at least partially relieve fatigue.
- Expressing your own emotions. You cannot constantly harbor irritability, resentment, aggression, and so on. These emotions should come out, not accumulate. Naturally, they cannot be directed at the child in their original form. Scolding your child and openly blaming him will only make things worse. But it is quite possible to show your son or daughter that you are tired and want to rest. For example, instead of the directive “don’t yell,” you can use “please let me rest.” The message of the phrase is preserved, you express your emotions and needs, but at the same time do not insult or traumatize the baby.
- Correct response to whims. Do not think that an ideal mother who loves her child is obliged to fulfill all his whims and respond to his whims. As you know, children early learn to manipulate their parents, especially their mother. Because dads are not as sensitive to crying. If a child begins to cry and be capricious, first think about whether there are objective reasons for this. When the child is not in danger, when he is fed, warm and protected, when nothing hurts, the reason for crying is most often insignificant and insignificant. It is impossible to react to such crying “like a hen.”
- More independence for the baby. Sometimes mothers get tired of their child and everyday life for the reason that they try to spend as much time with him as possible. If you want to relax, it is better to leave the child to his own devices. From a young age, children can draw on their own, tinker with toys, watch TV, and so on. Don't try to stay close to your baby all the time. This is both more useful and simpler. Moreover, both for you and for him.
- If the child still cannot calm down, you should not openly lash out at him. In such a situation, you can only act with affection. Instead of swearing and assault, it is necessary to provide the child with a calm environment. To do this, it is enough to hug him, pat him on the head, call him an affectionate word, and so on. Although this will not work at first, after a few minutes the mother’s calmness will certainly be transferred to the child.
Tired of constantly caring for your baby, you risk not only your own health. The psychological state of the child also suffers when the mother becomes nervous, excitable, and aggressive. That's why it's so important to prevent chronic fatigue using the methods presented above.
I'm tired of my children
In one episode of the movie Sex and the City, one of the heroines, who dreamed of a family and children and had it all, admitted to her friend how difficult it really was for her to be a mother. She said she was very ashamed, but she was tired of her children. Children constantly cry and ask for something. She feels that this shouldn’t happen, that she should be touched, enjoy, be happy, but suddenly she’s tired.
A good mother is always in a good mood. A good mother will always listen and understand her child. A good mother always plays and reads stories to her child. A good mother always thinks about the wishes of her children first of all, and then about herself. A good mother never gets irritated over small things. A good mother never yells at her children. A good mother never argues with anyone in front of her children. This is the ideal. Many aspire to him. Often this does not work out, because we are all people, we are all human.
But the program has already been written for us, and we, whether we like it or not, must follow it. After all, this is a pattern and the norm. And there are always neighbors, girlfriends, relatives, caring passers-by and the omnipresent and all-knowing grandmothers in your arsenal. These “Makarenki” must definitely give advice, citing their invaluable experience. At the same time, the main goal of all these comments is to emphasize your failure as a mother. It’s as if even without them we don’t understand that losing your temper with a child is bad, that exchanging a few unkind phrases with dad is not good, that when instead of an evening story, mom has a debit and a credit, you feel lousy.
And from the dissonance between reality and the program, remorse and guilt arise. And then it happens that women simply get tired of the constant pursuit of being a good mother. After all, there is also a life of its own. No matter how you look at it, you want to sleep, read books, go to the theater, go to the hairdresser, and for some even go to a resort! There are even little things that only women understand, sorry, sometimes you just need to retire to the restroom or bathroom, without children, without husbands, without advice and without an omnipresent conscience.
A woman gets tired of constantly working as a mother, and essentially of cliches. An ordinary woman is on maternity leave for an average of 2 years. This means that for two years she practically does not part with her little miracle, performing all the care activities and talking, like some in mental hospitals. Most women really want to have children, but motherhood, as it turns out, is not only pure tenderness and joy from everything in the world, including the first teeth, the first smiles, the first steps and the first syllables. These teeth can go on for months, coupled with fever, diarrhea, hysterics and incessant crying. The first steps are the first falls with broken lips and wild fear. I won't say anything about colic. And every mother knows about the eternal “I want” or “give”, about “buy” or “fix”.
So about fatigue. To say or even admit to yourself that you, mother, may get tired of your own child is not only accepted, but simply blasphemous! I wanted it myself! After all, this is your little blood, your sweetheart, your greatest desire in life. And suddenly you get tired of it! And suddenly you even begin to understand this, to be ashamed of this feeling, to realize that you are not the best mother in the world.
My friend has two small children. She smoothly transitioned from one maternity leave to another. She never complains, never says she is tired, never swears and is always affectionate and friendly. However, her tortured eyes and tired smile tell a completely different story. Her husband works constantly and does not let her forget that she herself was not averse to having two children. To my question: “My dear, are you tired?” she just smiles and sighs a little. She cannot voice it, she wanted these children too much to admit to anyone, or maybe even to herself, that what she loves most can tire her. Exactly to tire, because normal children always run, jump, laugh, scream, sing, cry, fight, get everything dirty, make a mess, and so on. And there is almost no personal time at all, especially when there is no one to help.
I myself could not admit to myself that my cat could tire me beyond belief. And what kind of mother am I then? Bad? Lazy? Thinking too much about yourself? Or thinking too little about him? After two years spent inseparably, I really didn’t like myself. All clothes were reduced to convenience, heels were collecting dust somewhere in unknown corners of the house, dresses were taken off the hangers only on major holidays, the “Nadezhda Krupskaya” hairstyle was my companion. And I also could not part with my child. She took him to kindergarten, and she cried because he was crying there. We went to the cinema, and everything suddenly started to hurt. What movie it was, what it was about - I don’t remember anything, just to get home to my doll as quickly as possible.
At one point, insight descended. I'm tired. Tired of the monotony. Tired of the eternal rush and race. Tired of the constant “shoulds”. I’m tired of the fact that I’m not me anymore, I don’t belong to myself. Will my child, especially a boy, be able to respect me and my needs if I myself have stopped respecting them? I was always on the lookout, God forbid, what would happen. There is no peace either day or night. No one can play with him better than me, take him for a walk, feed him and everything like that. I’m following the program, but I can’t completely satisfy my needs. So the pain and nervous breakdowns began. You can’t admit that you’re tired, but you can only smile and read Korney Chukovsky 150 times a day.
After I started working again, I began to realize that I want this and this. I realized that I am still the same woman who wants and should have her joys and weaknesses. The child is a separate personality from me, and he must also understand that his mother is not a robot with a smile glued on. She may cry and be upset, sad and tired. I threw off the unsuitable image of an ideal mother and began to live much better.
Yes, I get tired of my child's loud screaming and crying. Yes, I get tired of the constant sound of excavators and concrete mixers. Yes, I get tired of playing together as children. Yes, I get tired of always controlling myself. Yes, I want to have free time for myself, for manicures and pedicures, for the hairdresser and visiting the sauna. Yes, it is vital for me to read a book or watch a jazz concert. Yes, I can’t do without communicating with friends and going to various events. And in general, this summer, I took it and went on vacation alone. For a whole week!))))
And now I’m not ashamed to admit to myself and my child that I’m tired. It doesn't mean I don't think about him anymore or don't love him. This doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. This doesn't mean we don't spend time together. We just started sharing games, sharing leisure, sharing life. I began to trust his grandparents, aunt. He will learn to be more independent and begin to understand how to behave with different people. And I will at least partially find peace and peace of mind, which I can then give to my child.
How to take a break from your child and everyday problems
But you can manage your emotional and physical state in those moments when you are not directly involved in raising and caring for your baby. It is worth making certain changes in your own life that will help you maintain strength and a good emotional state. Here are at least a few basic tips.
Chat with friends who don't have children
When young mothers get together, their conversations usually involve their children in one way or another. If you are tired of the child and everyday life, then such conversations are completely useless to you. It is better to communicate with friends with whom you have other common topics. It could be anything - from TV series to the political situation in the world. The main thing is to take a break from the usual and so boring conversations about the upbringing and health of the baby, which already follow you everywhere.
You don't have to bear everything on yourself
It is clear that it is often difficult to find an assistant who would spend time with the child for free, and even with pleasure. But, if the baby has grandparents, then this is most likely not a problem. Other close relatives and good friends can also look after the child. There is nothing dangerous or reprehensible about this. A periodic “transfer” of responsibility and care for the child to other people will definitely be useful to you. And you don’t have to worry that strangers won’t be able to provide decent care for your baby. Still, do not exaggerate your exclusivity. There are many people who can handle children.
Pastime should not revolve around the child
No matter how much you love your baby, you will still get tired if you are constantly near him. If you are tired of the child and everyday life, learn to do more than just upbringing and maintenance. Choose a simple home hobby that you can do when your baby is near you. Hobbies can be very different: TV series, embroidery, light sports - anything from this will be beneficial.
Give up perfectionism
A big problem for young mothers raising their first child is the desire to be perfect in everything. Trying to bring everything to perfection is a characteristic sign of so-called perfectionism. The main problem is that perfectionism does not lead to anything good. As soon as you realize that at some points you overlooked, missed, and so on, neurosis develops and self-esteem drops. Remember that being an ideal mother is not only impossible, but also useless. It still won't work. Often such attempts are associated with the desire only to show others how much you love your baby. But this too must be abandoned, since public opinion is far from the most important thing.
By organizing your time correctly, you will be much less tired of your child and everyday life. It is only important to remember that equal attention should be given to each named point. The more tips presented above you use, the better. Of course, you need to take care of the baby. But fanaticism in this, as in any other area, leads to bad consequences.
Mom is tired of the child. How to restore the joy of life and not lash out at your child?
Sometimes a loving and caring mother of a charming one and a half year old baby is visited by thoughts about her own maternal immaturity, from somewhere a feeling of fatigue arises that destroys the relationship with the child and with herself. There is no time for yourself, you are tired, you want to go on an untimely vacation. Leave the child with your husband or mother-in-law. And secretly from everyone you condemn yourself for such a desire. In your opinion, being a good mother means focusing completely on the child and forgetting about yourself. But is this really so?
1. Remember that you have the right to experience these feelings. Not only that, but if these feelings visit you, it means it’s time to change something in your life, to regain your joy: they signal to you that you are tired, that it’s time to take care of yourself and get some rest. If instead you continue your repetitive Groundhog Day routine, you're not far from a nervous breakdown.
2. Ask relatives to help you. There's nothing wrong with that. You should not think that since you gave birth to a child, you now have no right to your freedom, personal life, activities and career advancement. The child is your responsibility, but you yourself are also a person with your own needs. If your husband is unable to support you, turn to your own mother, mother-in-law. As a last resort, if finances allow, you can hire a nanny.
3. Find something interesting to do besides caring for your child. There are so many interesting things in the world! This does not mean that you will become a bad mother, it will simply expand your capabilities. Remember what you did before. Perhaps it makes sense to resume these activities? Devote a little time to your hobbies every day (sometimes 20 - 30 minutes is enough) and you will feel happy.
4. Think about how else you can diversify your life. Maybe you spend a lot of time at home? They get tired of this quickly. Go for a walk with your child to the playground, communicate with other mothers, share your impressions. You will see that you are not alone.
5. For better results, you can always seek help from a specialist. They will help you sort out your own feelings, understand that it is not the child that is the cause of your fatigue, but the monotony that repeats from day to day.
Young mothers are often tired.
There is nothing surprising. After all, there is so much to do in a day. To help yourself, you need to take a little rest. See also:
What to do to prevent your child from getting sick? The child gets tired quickly. What could be the reason? The child is afraid of doctors. How can I help him? What to do if your child is overweight?
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