Family and money
The mysterious psychology of money will be revealed to us during money training, but for now we will consider in this article only one aspect of the influence of money on us: Money in the family. And if you have a deeper interest in how to make money, and you are ready to listen to a course of lectures about money, then sign up for the “MONEY” training. From a conversation between two friends: - and I told him: You will never take me by force! - And what did he do? — I took out my checkbook.
Money in the family:
Money doesn’t replace happiness, but it helps you get by without it.
Everyday psychology of money.
The cause of money conflicts is not money! We often ask for money when we want love.
A common cause of financial conflicts is not money, but family relationships. We are often ashamed to directly say that the distribution of money in the family is not fair.
Those who earn less enter into alliances with children, competing for power. And they use children to influence the earning spouse.
Worrying about money is like worrying about death: accept its finiteness.
Acknowledge your debts and whose money you live on. Don’t lie that you are free if you live in your parents’ apartment or with your ex-husband’s money.
Impoverished families sometimes take offense not at life, but at each other. Be a team and fight life and society together for success.
Money in families is often a means to teach a lesson: let children or ex-wives experience difficulties...
Poverty is like revenge on parents. It’s more important for me to show them how badly they raised me than to have money.
It is important for adult children to help their parents. Let them have it.
A large inheritance - a meaningless life? Yes, if other values are not instilled, and you no longer need to think about how to make money.
“What is mine is mine, and what is yours is also mine” - secret agreements in families.
Conversation between two friends:
- So you want to get married for money? - God forbid! I just want my future husband to have a pleasant appearance and a cheerful character. And if he doesn't have money, he will be restless and angry.
Sign up for a consultation with family psychologist Yashchenko S.A.
phone 303 20 60
We act strange with money
Business woman sitting at a bar. A man approaches her: “Hello!” Allow me to offer my company... - Why do you want to sell it?
Money training will show you your ways to avoid money. And their reasons. Wastefulness, gambling, losses are active ways to get rid of it. Refusal to work, illness, depression, alcoholism are passive.
Discuss financial issues in the family - like politicians, not like dictators. Conduct an opinion poll and change contracts at least once a year. Know how to listen to your loved ones when they talk about money.
Discuss money in the family immediately and together.
Money can make you psychologically unhappy: if you demand money when you need love. Deal with love and money during the training.
“Curse: May you have a lot of money, but may you be the only one in your family who has it.” (directed by Ernst Lubitsch)
So that money does not spoil your life:
Riddle: To what question do Americans all answer as one: Of course!, and Russians - God forbid! Answer: To the question: Do you want to change places with the richest man in the country?
It is necessary to agree on the rules for distributing money in the family. All family members should know these rules by which money is distributed. Then there are fewer insults and misunderstandings.
The family should choose one day a year to make financial claims. There must be one, but only one. All the time, if discussed, it is destructive.
Clarity of family hierarchy (power system). Everyone should know who makes decisions about money and why they do it. This is either someone who knows how to make money and does it, or knows how to spend it sparingly.
Establish a statute of limitations - for example, 7 years - after which financial claims are considered invalid. And it makes sense to forgive the debtor so as not to turn life into hell.
In the family, give a little more than you take, do not bargain endlessly.
Ask yourself – is it really about the money? Or is money the psychological equivalent of love?
“Financing is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it disappears.” (financier Robert W. Sarnoff)
Rules for using money wisely:
Abramovich receives the Nobel Prize: a trifle, but nice.
A married couple must have a financial plan.
There is no perfect way to use money.
Flexibility improves relationships. No one is “obliged” to feel about money problems the way you do.
Being an adult means giving.
Just remember: giving means creating needs! Keep track of which ones you create? For example, instead of a computer console, it is better to buy your child a creativity kit.
If you give something as a gift, do not take it away as punishment, and do not scold it for damage. Otherwise, it is a “toothy” gift, a gift that gives you power. By giving in order to take away, you create resentment and anger. This is not a gift of free love, but the purchase of obedience.
The way you use money in relationships makes you love or despise yourself. This is the psychological background of money.
Attempts to re-educate each other are in vain. A mot will remain a mot. Miser - miser. Usually they live together, compensating for each other and provoking each other.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with money bringing joy.
Money can be a deterrent and reward, but for children it should only be used as a last resort, not for long, and not in all areas.
Money can serve as compensation for infidelity.
Everyone knows that money does not buy happiness, but everyone wants to see for themselves. MONEY training is not just a course of lectures on how to make more money easier, it is a practical change in your unconscious money scripts. This is a way to gain access to the experience of ancestors who knew how to make money easier and more.
Children and money:
The son comes up to his father and says: “Dad, I’m having a party today: I need money...” “Take it there, in the safe.” - How many ? - Five centimeters.
Don’t expect any return: our children will never owe us anything, they will give everything we give them to their children later: both money and love, that’s how life works. ... Therefore, give them as much as you don’t mind, no more.
Children should have pocket money appropriate to their age.
Children should participate in the financial life of the family and express their opinions, but you make the decision and you are responsible for the result. Train your children's money skills.
Develop useful needs in children. When choosing a gift, ask yourself: what does it teach my child, what does it develop in him?
Unconditional love: give for nothing, not for good behavior.
If you help you earn money, you get it: children can be paid for their work if they help you earn money.
Children should motivate their requests by why they want this particular thing.
Children should be entrusted with financial matters.
Children should know payment slips, banks, and salaries.
Distribute fairly. Motivate inequality.
Give - don't make promises.
Don't give out of guilt.
Children need to know what belongs to them and cannot be taken away. What belongs to the parents and use is limited by the rules. What is common?
Don't compete for gifts.
“If you have money, then you are wise, handsome, and can also sing well.” Jewish wisdom.
So you've learned a few secrets about how money works in a family. The psychology of money will help you become richer and happier. At the money training you will learn how to make money, we are ready to provide you with a course of lectures about money.
Sincerely, family psychologist S.A. Yashchenko
Sign up for a consultation with family psychologist Yashchenko S.A. or to the training “MONEY”
phone 303 20 60
Come to relationship training
What else is important to remember
When a man claims to be the main breadwinner, this does not mean that a girl should join the ranks of desperate housewives and sit dumb at home. There are many directions where the fair half of humanity will find their own calling and be able to develop. This will benefit both the woman and her family. Business as a woman is often not about money, but about beauty and one’s own hobbies, which have grown into a life’s work.
A prerequisite for a strong couple is that the man does not sit on the couch in search of his own purpose. Sooner or later, the relationship will become destructive for both partners. It is the woman who should feel protected in a relationship, and not be the man’s protector.
It is worth remembering that money is a litmus test for the quality of a relationship. If a discussion of financial issues turns into conflict, this most likely indicates unresolved problems in the family. If you take a closer look at how a person solves financial nuances, you can draw conclusions about his character and habits. Therefore, there is no need to rush into a serious relationship if there are no practical solutions to money issues.
Before you start living together or living together, discuss the issue of money with your partner. Find out what other topics are worth covering here .
It is necessary to keep the truth in mind: no one owes anyone anything. Financial worries are natural. Don't forget to talk openly about what you're not happy with financially. Partners must learn to hear and listen to each other, and be able to compromise. This is easy to do if there is love and mutual respect in the couple.
Power struggle when one of you earns significantly more
It is unlikely that you will consider the fact that your boyfriend earns more than you as a disadvantage. However, the truth is that as a relationship develops, financial dominance can develop into a full-blown dictatorship. The belief that the one who pays retains the decisive vote seems quite logical. But gradually such a partner claims greater influence in other areas of the relationship. It turns out to be a bad remake of living together with your parents - when you turn 18, you will earn money yourself, then do what you want.
This is one of the reasons why it is so important to maintain an open dialogue about long-term goals in your relationship. Make sure you're both making financial decisions that are in the best interests of each other, rather than being self-inflicted. And discuss that the rent he pays does not include your meek obedience.
Money disputes in the family
Elena Turilina
Psychotherapist of the highest category,
family psychologist, gestalt therapist
Almost every time a couple comes to therapy, one way or another a money issue comes up regarding a dispute over the family budget, sometimes leading to divorce. Moreover, most often this iceberg is hidden by the surface in the form of a completely different request: “my husband doesn’t love me, doesn’t appreciate me
,
“my wife doesn’t understand how difficult it is for me
,
” “my husband stopped helping me,”
etc. Advertisement The issue of money is not usually discussed easily and openly. The introduced institution of the marriage contract regulates material relations in the family, but only after the divorce. And the percentage of families entering into it is not so large.
Lovers consider direct discussions about the financial structure of the future family to be a manifestation of commercialism, and most often guess this from the behavior of their partner. Judging by the appeals of couples, ideas about the financial part diverge greatly before and after marriage.
Common causes of money disputes in families
1. Spending not agreed upon with the spouse.
Chaotic management of the family budget, unsystematic accounting of cash receipts and expenses in themselves create preconditions for questions:
where did the money go?
How to survive until the end of the month? Again there was not enough for..? Example:
The family has a joint budget and is saving for a down payment on the mortgage. At some point, the husband decides that right now he needs to buy a car for work, especially since his neighbor is offering it cheaper. The deal took place in one day. Almost the entire accumulated amount has been spent. A pregnant wife, returning from work, not only does not share her husband’s joy at an acquisition that is unnecessary in her opinion, but also decides to pack her things and go to her parents, filing for divorce.
2. Different attitudes towards money.
Each spouse was raised in a family with their own rules and they may have different attitudes towards money. A conflict arises if this difference in a couple is not taken into account.
Example:
Oleg: “You work all the time, the children and I miss you.
I stopped feeling like a man, because you decide everything, you earn more than me.” Inga: “I have a good career, yes, I earn good money, and this allows our family to live a full life. You are a caring husband and father, I don’t care that you bring in less money than me, but I am calm about our life and the well-being of our daughters. And I love you for it. My mother always brought more than my father. This is normal for me." Oleg: “In our family, it was customary for mothers to be with their children, spend more time at home, and meet their husbands.
And the men earned money and solved family problems. I feel like a wuss. We don’t need so many expensive things and vacations, we could live more modestly, but be together more often.” Here two beliefs collided: “a man should earn in a family” with another family driver, where this value does not exist, but, on the contrary, a woman earns more, and she is satisfied with this.
3. Monopoly on family budget management.
As they say, he who pays calls the tune. The sole breadwinner often disposes of what he gets. It happens that the second non-working partner takes control of the distribution of funds. Conflicts arise if decisions are made by a partner alone, without taking into account the opinion of the second, especially if the second earned the money. It is logical if the controlling stake in the distribution of funds belongs to the main breadwinner in the family.
Example:
Olga: “You stopped giving me good gifts, you’re saving on my vacation!
Before the wedding I courted, but now I have stopped. You do not love me anymore?" Ivan: “Dear, now we are a family, and we have a lot of expenses: an apartment with a mortgage, a car requires expenses, we are building a house, vacation twice a year, my education, your leisure time. I earn money alone, I have to take everything into account so that I have enough money. I was more generous to you, I wanted to please you, but now we have other tasks. I love you just as much and I’m ready for anything!” Olga: “I thought that you wouldn’t skimp on your wife! I don’t work, you know my position, dad provided for the whole family and mom never worked, everyone was happy. You should try to earn more if we don’t have enough, you’re a man!” Ivan: “Darling, I’m trying my best.
It’s difficult for me to handle so many of our projects alone. My mother worked equally with my father, supported him and they lived together. Maybe you can do something? You have an education." Here, in addition to the monopoly on budget management, there are also different family drivers: “the man provides for the family” and “both work equally.”
The wife is in a childish position, she demands and is capricious, takes offense if people do not give in to her. The husband, being gentle, tolerates and gives in. There would be no problem if her father’s position was convenient for her husband (giving, caring for a child, indulging his whims). But a conflict forms within the husband: to increase momentum in his work and provide for all the whims of his wife, or to defend his interests and involve his wife in the formation of a joint budget, which is more familiar to him.
There was no talk of an agreement between this couple. After some time, thanks to therapy, Olga managed to take a more realistic look at the possibilities of the family budget and demand less, and Ivan was able to be firmer in his decisions.
4. The only breadwinner in the family.
This situation in itself is not easy for all family members, since everyone depends on the performance, condition and mood of the main breadwinner. The responsibility of the earner is also high.
Sometimes this is the only possible situation, for example, when the wife is on maternity leave, or the second partner is sick. It would be good if this did not last long, and the second partner could also contribute. Conflicts arise from high tension in relationships, dependence of everyone on one family member, and failure to take into account the opinions, interests, and needs of a non-working partner.
5. Claims about low earnings, insufficient investments in the general budget.
Example:
Maria: “I don’t like that you, while earning a lot, allocate only 20 thousand to the general budget.
I have to skimp on good products to stay within my budget.” Semyon: “We agreed that I would contribute this amount. You earn good money yourself, you can spend your money if you want to live better. I’m happy with everything.” Maria: “Yes, but you live in my apartment and rent out yours. And since then I began to earn much more than when we just started living together. Let's make the overall budget larger, because there is an opportunity! Semyon: “Then I will have to save on my leisure and hobbies.”
This couple managed to agree on an increase in the total budget. The partners turned out to be open to each other’s needs, respected each other’s feelings, and were able to come to an agreement without reproaching or judging.
Types of family budget
- General (fully joint)
A dying option lately. It’s good when the partners’ earnings are approximately equal. This is a transparent type of budget; all expenses for general and personal needs, as well as income, are visible to both. Convenient to save for expensive purchases.
- Separated
Everyone manages their own earnings and feels financially independent from their partner. This type is probably more suitable for spouses with high incomes, when there is no subject for dispute. However, the question arises about joint spending on food, housing, and children. Partners can jointly decide how to spend money on major purchases. Distributed in the west.
- Mixed (partially shared)
The common treasury is filled by both by virtue of agreements and is spent on common needs, and the remainder is spent by each on their personal needs. Now this type of budget is increasingly being taken into account by families.
How to resolve family conflict over budget?
The algorithm is simple.
In any conflict situation, there is a reasonable chain of actions that involves: 1. Recognition of the fact of the problem by both spouses.
The more concisely, more accurately and specifically the problem is named, the easier it will be to find its solution.
2. Discussion of the problem
.
In short, there is a lot to deal with: the partner’s feelings and beliefs, willingness to compromise or stubbornness, lack of desire to improve financial relationships and take responsibility.
3. Finding solutions to the problem.
The constructive part of the work of two partners with a mutual desire to improve relationships in a couple.
Feelings and logic. How to talk about money?
A little more about working in pairs, expanding the above algorithm.
It is important for each partner in a marriage to understand their attitude towards money. In the beginning, this is the story of financial relationships in the parental family. What family rules and beliefs did you grow up with? What words did you most often hear from parents: “we’ll buy whatever you want”, “we can’t afford it”, “money is evil”, “never borrow”, “money is not a problem”
and so on.
How do you feel about money and spending it? Is money a resource and energy or something that drains you? Do you spend happily or with difficulty? What do you easily give money for? What will you never pay for? How do you manage to accumulate? Are you saving, and are there real reasons for this? What is the first thing you start saving on? Are you planning your expenses for the near future? Or does the money suddenly run out?
How do these questions and their answers make you and your partner feel? When talking about your preferences and feelings, it is better if you do it respectfully to your spouse, from I-messages (I feel anxious; I get upset when you...; I get offended), without judging your partner and with the desire to hear him in response.
Then it is important for the two of you to discuss your beliefs in order to understand where you agree and where you do not, and how fundamental your differences are.
Then everything depends on your mutual ability, desire to negotiate and establish financial relationships.
Choose the appropriate type of family budget for your family.
Discuss with your partner your joint financial priorities for the long term: real estate, education, health, recreation, as well as immediate tasks, for example, buying a car, furniture or renovation.
The ability to negotiate comes with experience, so if you make it a rule to arrange periodic financial meetings, this will only add clarity and trust to your relationship.
I wish you good relationships, including financial ones!
Family budget and the right attitude towards money
04/09/2014 6 381 4 Reading time: 13 min. Rating:
Author
: Konstantin Bely
Today I want to return to the topic of the family budget and talk about what, in my understanding, means the right attitude towards money in the family. In this publication I want to combine the financial and psychological sides of the issue. After all, it’s no secret that financial problems in the family are one of the most common causes of conflicts between spouses, and frequent scandals over money can even lead to family breakdown. Therefore, it is necessary from the very beginning of life together to form the right attitude towards money: this will help avoid many problems and significantly increase the chances of a long and happy family life.
Let me start with the fact that the issues of planning a family budget and the attitude towards money in the family should definitely be raised even before marriage or the beginning of life together, if this is a civil relationship. Future spouses should immediately determine at least the following points regarding family budget planning:
- On what means will the family live?
- Where will the family live (the most important financial issue)?
- What income will form the family budget, from what sources will it come?
- What type of family budget will be used?
- Who will act as the breadwinner in the family? Who will be responsible for revenues to the family budget?
- Who will manage the family budget?
- How do you plan to make large purchases? Take out loans, create savings?
- How much money does your family need to live a normal life?
- Are you planning to invest? What will you invest in?
At first glance, it may seem that many of these problems can be solved as they arise. If we were talking about the personal finances of one person, then we could agree with this. But we are talking about a family, and a family is two adults with an already formed worldview, so each of them may have different points of view on these financial issues. And these disagreements can result in disputes and even scandals, which a young family absolutely does not need.
Today, money is, without exaggeration, the main resource for realizing one’s desires. And in different families or even among different members of the same family, these desires may be different. And in this case, as in the famous toast, it is very important that desires coincide with possibilities, and that spouses have the same desires and aspirations.
If you look around, you can see that, for example, in one family with a small income, spouses live “harmoniously”, and in another, quite wealthy one, they constantly quarrel over financial issues. Why is this happening? Largely because the spouses immediately avoided all issues of forming and distributing the family budget, leaving them for later. And when this “later” came, it turned out that their positions did not coincide.
It happens, for example, that a woman, wanting to get married, pretends that she is ready for “heaven in a hut,” and tries to show that she is not interested in any of the man’s financial capabilities, although at that time something completely different is going on in her head . When the goal is achieved, and it turns out that the husband’s income does not at all meet her needs, and even more so, if the wife’s financial situation becomes worse than before marriage, interpersonal debates and discontent begin in the family, which will not lead to anything good.
Sometimes another situation arises in which, on the contrary, the breadwinner husband becomes a dictator and begins to believe that since he earns money, his wife should be obliged to him to death and unquestioningly obey him in everything. And before marriage, the girl could not have imagined this.
These and similar problems could have been avoided if all financial issues of managing the family budget had been resolved jointly by the future spouses before the formation of a “society unit”.
Now let's look at what the right attitude towards money is. I always say that the correct attitude towards money is managerial, not consumer. That is, money must be managed, subordinated to oneself, forced to work for oneself, and not, on the contrary, work for the sake of money and obey money.
But here we are talking about family relationships, so the key point here should be the same attitude towards money of both spouses. That is, for example, if one of the spouses is inclined to accumulate money, take care of the future, and the other is inclined to spend it and live for today, it will be difficult to achieve mutual understanding in the family, and disagreements on financial issues will inevitably arise.
Therefore, in my opinion, it is necessary through a joint discussion, again, even at the stage of creating a family, to develop the same attitude towards household finances. It’s good if the spouses jointly decide to create reserves, savings, capital, expand their sources of income, optimize expenses, invest, and strive for financial independence. But this, I emphasize, must be a joint decision! If it is more important for them not to deny themselves anything, to always buy what they want, to live “in grand style”, to allow themselves to spend a significant part of the family budget on entertainment and “little weaknesses” - well, so be it. Even if this contradicts the competent management of personal finances, both spouses share this attitude towards money. After all, in a family, the most important thing is not money, but relationships. Of course, the main thing is just not to get into debts and loans.
It is also possible that such a family, over time, with a reassessment of life values, will switch to a correct attitude towards money, but here it is also important that such a transition be a conscious and coordinated action of both spouses.
By the way, the consumer, as I call it, attitude towards money can be divided into two types:
- Lung.
- Frivolous.
And there is a very significant difference between them. A person who spends money easily, at the same time, knows his limits, knows what he can afford and knows how to make up for what he spent. And a person who spends money frivolously loses a sense of reality, which as a result often leads to the fact that his family literally has nothing to eat, it becomes overgrown with debts and loans, and slides into a financial hole.
Many families believe that if they had more money, they would have fewer problems, including in relationships within the family. This is absolutely not true. I am convinced that disputes over money issues arise not because of the amount of money, but because of the attitude towards it. In addition, for a normal life, a family does not need a lot of money, it needs to have enough of it. And this concept of “enough” depends precisely on how the spouses relate to money and what their needs are.
Firstly, the right attitude towards money would definitely lead to more and more of it. Moreover, regardless of income level.
Secondly, everyone has probably heard the expression “big money, big problems.” It also corresponds to reality, therefore, if scandals arise in a family due to the fact that there is “not enough money,” if they suddenly become more, I assure you, these scandals will also grow proportionally in scale.
And, by the way, as numerous practice shows, if a large amount of money suddenly falls on the family budget, this, on the contrary, creates many problems. Psychologically, it is very difficult for a poor person to become rich, and even, probably, more difficult than, on the contrary, for a rich person to become poor (if he was once such before).
Human nature is such that most people are dissatisfied with what they have, they always want more. It seems to them that if they have some conditional amount of money, then it will be enough for them, but this is not at all true. If the set bar is reached, requests will immediately increase further. This situation was very clearly depicted by the Russian classic Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin in his “The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish.” Remember how at first, it would seem, a new trough was enough for the old woman to be completely happy, but as a result, it turned out that being a pillar noblewoman was not enough. And what happened to the old woman as a result...?
To summarize, I would like to urge everyone not to repeat the mistakes described by the classic, and to develop the right attitude towards money. You need to strive not for wealth, but for financial independence, which are completely different concepts. There should not be a lot of money in the family, but enough. And the attitude towards money between spouses should be the same, preferably correct. It is imperative to pay great attention to all financial issues even before starting a family; there is no need to avoid them and leave them for later. By doing this, you will protect your family relationships from all kinds of quarrels and scandals that arise on monetary grounds.
Stay on Financial Genius - a site that will teach you the right attitude towards money and proper management of the family budget. See you in new publications!
Estimate:
Who pays for what in a couple: how to solve financial problems without quarrels?
In modern couples, money issues are less and less resolved by the classic formula of patriarchy: “The man pays for everything, and I spend my salary on underwear and handbags.” The distribution of financial roles in young families serves as a reflection of their relationships: if the emphasis is on equality, then in matters of regular spending, partners are looking for a balance that will not put either of them in an uncomfortable position.
It is worth noting that the issue of money has never been easy, because from childhood we see that, just like sex, money is one of the most taboo topics. It is not customary to talk about finances, but it is impossible not to talk about them, because the troubles of the family budget have led more than one couple to divorce and separation. Money gives us the opportunity to feel independent and live in comfort, but at the same time it can lead to all sorts of conflicts within a couple. Develop an individual attitude towards expenses in your union and do not compare yourself with others: if you are both satisfied with the current state of affairs, then this is the main thing.
Don't look for proof of love in money
In our society, there is a strong stereotype that a man should shower his beloved girl with gifts and pay for her everywhere, which is the most important irrefutable evidence of strong feelings. Yes, he can certainly give you valuable gifts and treat you in restaurants, but love is manifested not only through the material side. Feel the fine line: both rich and poor can care, just as they can suppress and tyrannize. But only the rich can pay. Empathy and the feelings of another person are important for caring: if this is present and it is from caring that the desire to pay for your dinner or buy you new earrings comes, then you are loved.
Don't let money rule your relationships
Partners in a couple often fight for power through money. Men manipulate the issuance of money from salaries, and women, in turn, control the family budget. Thus, he gains control over you through “will he give money or not, and how much,” and you over him through “will I spend it or not, and on what.” It turns out, who is the boss in the house? The one who rules more effectively. As you can see, there is little respect and harmony in such manipulative relationships: each partner is looking for how to humiliate the other and demonstrate his superiority. If a money issue hits the wall of an ultimatum, “You can’t live without me,” then something has gone wrong. Never try to solve the problem of misunderstanding in a relationship by manipulating money, otherwise the trust between you and your other half will end.
See housework as work
Cooking, washing dishes, cleaning and buying new curtains is not your calling as a woman, but real work. After all, someone else gets paid for the same amount of work. It is very important to discuss together the issue of not just the distribution of household responsibilities, but their immediate significance for your family: your husband does not “help” you with “your direct responsibilities,” he does his part of the household routine, which is simply necessary for the normal functioning of both. Stand up for your rights to rest after work, to clean together on weekends, and to create a schedule if necessary, but don’t sacrifice your own free time in favor of an iron and brush just because you “have” to do it.
Don't measure masculinity in money
As a rule, in our society, women's work is not highly valued, no matter how hard it may be, while men perceive their own employment as an activity that is much more meaningful and exhausting. In many cases, this is nothing more than a stereotype on which the concept of masculinity is based - it is possessed by those who work hard and earn good money. In fact, men with low self-esteem tend to define their importance and prestige through money: they do not feel confident “just like that,” they need financial evidence that everyone can understand. Such men tend to believe that women’s lives are like a holiday, and force them to constantly be in debt to them: “I work hard, and you walk with the children in the park.” It's worth switching roles for one day to make sure that looking after small children is no less tedious than, for example, computer design or the profession of a manager. In a couple there is no one or the other who is “worth more”, you both try for the sake of your family.
Respect each other as people, not just as “family contractors”
Scientists say job loss for men leads to a higher risk of depression and heart disease. And all because the spouse left without a salary will quickly earn himself the reputation of a gigolo. Is this fair to him as a person, and not as a spouse, breadwinner or employee of the year? The pandemic has shown that none of us is immune from unexpected circumstances, and, perhaps, the first thing we should focus on in times of crisis is mutual support. Do not try to define your family problem with the labels of strangers, but rather decide whether you want to support your loved one at such a difficult moment and how you should do it.
Don't focus on others
We are often prevented from discussing the topic of finance by an insufficient sense of closeness: it seems to us that everything has already been decided, clear formulas exist and all that remains is to silently follow them. In fact, the financial climate in a couple is a very individual concept, just like family happiness itself. Believe me, there are couples where the woman earns more and is absolutely happy in her role, and the man prefers to spend more time with children than in career efforts. Try different schemes for your couple, based on what is comfortable for both of you personally, and do not perceive the family budget as a competition to see who has invested more. In the long run, the joy of spending time together trumps dry calculations.
