Who needs to develop emotional intelligence
The ability to control your emotions in critical situations, analyze what is happening with a “cool head,” and not succumb to panic and despondency is a valuable quality, usually inherent in successful people.
This is not just about business, where stress is a way of life, and self-control and emotional stability are a competitive advantage. But also about ordinary life in the city, when even traveling to work on public transport often becomes a real challenge.
Thus, developing emotional intelligence is useful for teachers, managers and people whose activities involve constant interaction with people. Students and schoolchildren who are in a group and burdened with stress in the form of sessions and exams, sales managers, consultants, in general, all those who want to live in harmony with themselves and with others.
For effective professional development, emotional intelligence is of key importance, as it affects effective team building, communication with colleagues, motivation and the decision-making process.
You can start developing emotional intelligence at any age. The results are especially clear in children. It has been proven that children who complete social-emotional learning programs do better in school and are more likely to succeed.
What to do to become a free person?
Respect yourself and believe in your strengths As a rule, women with low self-esteem become dependent on their husbands, consider themselves capable of little and do not even strive to achieve anything in life on their own.
Understand that there is nothing wrong with healthy selfishness. Some women consider it their duty to completely dissolve in their beloved husband, completely forgetting about their own desires and needs. Meanwhile, such a sacrifice is not always appreciated by a man and evokes a reciprocal feeling of gratitude in him. Have your own income In order to be a free person and not depend on her husband, even before starting family life, a woman must inform her man of her intention not to quit her job. If a man treats his future wife with respect, he will have nothing against her decision. Don’t forget about self-education Even if a woman, for some reason, does not work and is supported by her husband, for example, she sits at home to care for a child, she may well engage in self-education: learn foreign languages or read literature related to her main profession. This will help a woman become a sought-after specialist and, if necessary, quickly find a prestigious, well-paid job. Force your husband to treat himself with respect A husband must initially keep in mind that his wife has her own interests, her own opinion and her own beliefs. Well, what should women do who have already become financially and psychologically dependent on their spouse? It all depends on many circumstances: the presence of common children, the relationship between spouses, the woman’s education and profession, and the woman’s very desire to gain personal financial freedom.
In any case, no matter how the situation develops, it is never too late to change your lifestyle and start building your future from scratch. Nowadays, a woman at any age can get an education, acquire a profession, open her own business or get at least some work, thus becoming a completely independent person. The main thing is not to be afraid of difficulties and believe in yourself!
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man
Getting rid of emotional dependence does not mean leaving a traumatic relationship with minimal losses, but gaining the ability not to enter into such relationships, the ability to build your personal boundaries and establish healthy relationships in the future.
An important step is to take on your own share of responsibility and replenish energy lost due to stress. It is worth stopping wearing the mask of an ideal that will endure any pain and overcome any adversity with a smile, and begin to recognize your needs, take care of yourself, fill your life with happiness, strength and meaning on your own and in any situation, and not expect this from others as an integral part. obligations.
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man? To get on the path to change, determine whether you want to overcome addiction in an existing relationship or in another. Determine what price you will pay, what you will sacrifice if you do not change anything in yourself and relationships and remain dependent, as well as what prospects liberation brings. You can write down these points in a notebook, and deliverance does not necessarily have to contain only positive aspects. There will definitely be a lot of responsibility, fear of facing yourself, and possible loss of current relationships.
Spend more time on bodily practices and breathing exercises - this makes it possible to feel the boundary between your body and the environment, which will help in establishing psychological boundaries. Take responsibility for yourself and entrust his decisions to someone else - believe me, this is quite enough. Calculate your strengths and respect the other person's choices. Attempts at complete control will not protect your relationship, but will only lead to the desire to hide what is happening more and more carefully in order to leave yourself at least a piece of free breathing.
You can voice what you want. Any person has the right to fulfill your request or refuse; in any of the options, you, and not he, bear full responsibility for your emotional state and satisfaction of necessary needs.
Speaker of the Medical-Psychological
Hello, my name is Masha. I am very dependent on my husband. In our family, I am the one who kisses, and he is the one who turns the cheek. I can't do this anymore.
It is always very important to me what he thinks about me, whether he approves of my actions, words, and actions. If he doesn’t like something about me, I worry very much and immediately rush to fix it. For example, he didn’t like my figure, and now I’m working on myself in the gym 1.5 hours a day. He remarked to me that I was too gentle with my subordinates - and I changed my communication style at work. Whatever he says, even if I resist at first, I then come to the conclusion that he is right. I always choose my words very carefully when talking to him, so as not to inadvertently provoke a quarrel. If he calls me to watch a movie, and I was about to go to bed, since I have to work early tomorrow, I drop everything and go watch a movie with him. If he asks for something, I put aside all my affairs and rush to fulfill the request, even if it is inconvenient for me. This almost slavish dependence scares me. I'm afraid of losing him, displeasing him, offending him. Probably because I behave this way, it is difficult to respect me. My husband doesn’t really depend on my opinion. He pays attention to me through force. If we have different opinions on something, he just needs to become colder with me, and I will immediately do as he wants, because for me his alienation is an unbearable punishment.
The thing is that he is not afraid of losing me, and I am usually very afraid of him. He is dear to me, I see many advantages in him and I think that he would behave differently with me, much more warmly, if I had self-respect. After all, no one forces me to give up my position just because he arched his eyebrow in displeasure. But I reached a certain point of despair. I have no strength, no energy. I trudged to work like a squeezed lemon and started to get sick. For the first time in my life, all sorts of thoughts about suicide creep into my head, but what keeps me going is that mom and dad won’t stop it, and there’s some other hope. I despise myself for my weakness. I always want to punish myself somehow for my mistakes.
How can I get rid of this addiction? It is clear that the reason is in me, and something needs to be fixed urgently. But I don’t know a) what exactly to do and b) whether it’s worth divorcing my husband along with these changes. On the one hand, if I change, perhaps his attitude towards me will also change. And, on the other hand, I’m afraid that it’s still impossible to respect a person who once stuck to you and lay at your feet, begging you not to leave, even if he changed his behavior.
Please tell me how to solve this. Thank you for your attention.
A man pays little attention, and you suffer from this, you always agree with the man’s opinion, even when you internally disagree with his position, or the most extreme option is that the man cheats, and you suffer, continuing to love him, not knowing how to cope with your emotional dependence .
Why is it most often a woman who becomes emotionally dependent on a man, and not vice versa?
The answer lies in our psychology, strengthened by upbringing. From early childhood, girls are taught that the most important things in life are love, family, and children. Exactly in this sequence. Some are offered a successful marriage instead of love, again to create a good family, the well-being of children and possibly personal comfort.
And that’s why while we dream of love...
Young men are offered a different scale of values
Their personal achievements always come first, be it a career, sports, or any skills in which a future man must succeed in order to feel happy and be able to provide for his family. Are boys told that to be happy they need to fall in love? Or: “Will you be successful and happy if you create a good family?”
Rather, they will tell him “You will be successful and happy if you achieve this, that and that, and you can ensure the well-being of your family.” In second place in the scale of values, a man has their pleasures. You can’t throw all your energy into achieving your goals; you also need to be able to relax. Hunting, fishing, football, computer games or other male pleasures.
Family life, children, love are the prerogative of women. Of course, men also need love, warm family relationships, and communication with children. But these values, as a rule, fade into the background in the minds of men.
Before marriage, a girl’s range of interests can be varied: friends, clubs, sports clubs, etc. Often, part of these interests is again aimed at achieving the girl’s main mission - to get married! And after the main goal has been achieved, most of us set other equally worthy goals - creating comfort in the home and raising children, completely devoting ourselves both physically and emotionally to the implementation of these missions.
After starting a family, women often give up their purely personal pleasures, communication with friends, trying to devote themselves as much as possible to their beloved husband and children. More often than not, family responsibilities turn into needs.
At this time, a man puts his efforts into work and his emotions into pleasure. After all, everything is in order in the family, everything is under the close control of the woman.
Therefore, while we are suffering from a lack of attention from a man, he is thinking about how to conquer the next peak in his career, achieve results in his hobby, or dreams of an adventure with a new woman.
And here we fall into the trap of our own illusions, becoming emotionally dependent on men. This dependence is especially pronounced among women who decide to become housewives. They express themselves when they see the result of their labors. A clean house, a delicious lunch on the table, smart and well-mannered children. And a natural need arises for this result to be appreciated by the man he loves. And the husband most often does not consider this an achievement, but a fact for granted.
How to avoid this?
How to become a truly free person
If you consider yourself a free person just because you live alone, because you have reached a level of financial freedom, or because your children have left their parents' home, know that this has nothing to do with true freedom. True freedom is within you.
Many people confuse the concepts of “being free” and “freed from restrictions.” Of course, the fewer restrictions a person has, the more freedom this gives him, but rarely is this freedom real. Let's take, for example, a person who considers himself free because he has decided to live alone. Such a person may still experience moments when he is lonely or have financial difficulties. He may have difficulties that prevent him from being completely free.
The same is true for a person who considers himself free due to his very favorable financial situation. People with money may also have problems in relationships, for example, disagreement on certain financial issues with their wife or children. Such a person may fear that he is only loved for his money, and feel frustrated, thinking that he is being used, or fearing that he will lose his money. True freedom cannot be achieved by satisfying only your material needs.
Personally, I thought I finally found freedom only after my children became independent and moved out of my home. But suddenly I realized that this was not real freedom. Most parents find it difficult to give their children complete freedom and not worry about them anymore when they leave the parental nest. Why? Because parents themselves are not truly free. And they cannot allow their children to be free from their parents' decisions without experiencing emotions, disappointment, anger and anxiety.
I vividly remember experiencing strong emotions when my oldest son did not call or return my calls for more than a month. I painted scary pictures for myself, feeding my fears with them. I even thought that if he did this, then he didn’t love me. But in reality everything was different: he believed that it was better for me not to know what was happening to him if he had nothing to brag about or please me. Finally, I realized that he liked to call me or visit me when he had good news for me. He wanted to please me.
Often at my trainings, grandparents share their experiences and emotions due to unmet expectations for their grandchildren. Some are outraged by the way children behave with their parents, and parents with their children. Many people consider it their responsibility to take care of children, and children do not always like it. Even though they have reached the age where they can live and enjoy life, they find it difficult to live for themselves, listen to the needs of their soul and be harmonious people without worrying about others. Regardless of our age or the situations we live in, we create all kinds of restrictions for ourselves that deprive us of freedom.
Know that being free means giving yourself the right to be yourself. It means daring to listen to your needs, even if they don't meet other people's expectations. It also means feeling that we alone are the masters of our own lives.
In my first marriage, I considered myself a truly free person because I had a wonderful career in sales, I made a lot of money and was in charge of everything that happened in my family and home. But I always made excuses for my decisions, and when my husband disagreed with me, I got angry and did everything to stay right. When we need other people's consent to allow ourselves to follow our needs, we depend on other people's opinions. And we cannot be considered free.
Things were different with my second husband. When I wanted to go to some place for a few days, for example, to relax or recuperate, I shared my need with him. I did not ask him for consent or permission, but rather to find out how he felt about my decision and whether he wanted me to do something for him before leaving. He always told me that he would have liked to come with me, but he understood my need. He knew that I really loved traveling with him, but sometimes it was important for me to be alone. And because he never reacted emotionally to my decisions, I knew that in my family relationships I was truly free. If he got angry or tried to blame me, I would know that I was not free and would feel guilty.
Those who live only for others without listening to their needs may think that meeting their needs is a sign of selfishness. And I want to remind you that being selfish means wanting another person to satisfy our needs without listening to our own needs. If you are one of those who live for other people, I recommend that you read this definition at least three times.
By not allowing yourself to be free, you are most likely being selfish . Why? Because you have too many expectations from other people. You believe that if they acted according to your wishes, you would not have problems, emotions and fears. And you want them to listen first to your needs and then to theirs.
If you want to live in peace, to be free and to have as few restrictions as possible, remember that only you can make it so. First recognize your needs, then act to meet them! You will be free when you learn to respect the needs of the people you love and accept that they can also manifest whatever they want in their lives because they alone are responsible for the consequences.
With love, author.
Translation: Iya Zaitseva.
