A mother becomes her daughter’s best friend when the baby becomes an equal interlocutor for the mother... at least in terms of intelligence and social maturity. And this is at the age of sixteen to twenty. Many mothers think so, putting the pedagogical process - training and education - in first place, leaving friendship “for later.”
Only two questions remain: will the daughter, when this “later” comes, want to be friends with her mother? And doesn’t a mother who leaves friendship with her daughter “for later” impoverish both her life and the life of her daughter? Doesn't she, with her commanding power, deprive both herself and the child of the opportunity to learn the surprisingly subtle and beautiful facets of human relationships?
I'm your mother, not your girlfriend!
My mother once and for all deprived me of the opportunity to even dream about it. I was probably seven years old then. It was spring, when the apple trees were blooming with insane vitality, and a divinely sweet apple-apple smell hovered over the world. Mom got angry with me and said: “How dare you talk to me like that? What am I, your girlfriend?
Her words were so irreparably harsh that it seemed to me that I heard them hit the sash of the window open to the garden. Like a stone. And I realized once and for all that my mother cannot be my friend “by definition.” And the most important things for me, both joyful and painful, I could never share with my mother. From this spring day my life was divided into two parts. In the first, I hid the most important things from my mother, because “mom will scold” (when I was still afraid of her anger), and in the second, because “mom will worry” (when I began to understand and feel sorry for her). But friendship never happened.
Now I understand that my mother was much younger then than I am now, and these words were just a random phrase thrown out in a paroxysm of pedagogical impotence. Apparently, on that unforgettable spring day I somehow behaved badly. But the word is not a sparrow. Flew out - you won't catch him.
Her phrase was firmly etched into my soul, into my understanding of the structure of the world.
And from here follows the first rule: in relations with a child there are no random phrases.
Everything said by the mother has a huge, important, universal meaning for her child. What we tell our children once and for all becomes one of his life rules, his laws of life. And it depends only on us what his little world will become: a world of love or a world of loneliness.
You are my best friend!
I learned that a mother and daughter can still be friends at the university, while visiting a fellow student. I saw this subtle and unbreakable connection between mother and daughter. It was built on gentle teasing, on the intersection of the glances of two people who understand each other without words, on fleeting, caressing touches of hands.
I saw it and immediately wished for the same. I understood that it was impossible to turn the minced meat back. With my mother, whom I love very much, and who has always been a correct and good mother to me, this will no longer happen. I wanted a daughter. To rebuild everything with her.
And my wish came true. I started talking to her already in the maternity hospital. She started talking very early. Apparently because she wanted to answer me. Now she is eight years old. A thin, long-legged girl with silken hair almost to her knees and chocolate eyes under the shadow of long, slightly curved eyelashes. Exactly what I dreamed of.
This happened when she was six years old.
All the children in the yard knew how to climb trees. But ours is not. Her grandmother didn’t allow her - she would fall, hurt herself, get dirty, tear her dress...
One day I came home tired, like a slave from a plantation, and angry, like a whole pack of wild dogs. She threw shopping bags from the supermarket on the floor and began to undress.
- Mom, they are laughing at me! They say that I am incompetent, - tears ready to fall froze in my chocolate eyes...
- Incompetent? – I growled and put the sweater back in place.
It was getting dark. I climbed the tree first (do as I do!). Then my daughter climbed up. Half an hour later she had climbed so high that I even began to think about whether I would have to call the rescue service. But she did it. Once on the ground, she quickly jumped on me, hugging me with all four pretty dirty arms at once:
- Mom, you are my best friend!
The position obliges.
Once you have chosen friendship over edification, you can no longer shout: “Shut your mouth, I said!” or “I said, “No!” Because it will be the end of friendship. And nothing can be fixed.
In the friendship between mother and child, there is initially a significant amount of role-playing on the part of the mother. Well, an adult cannot, cannot immediately and recklessly perceive a little man who has recently had his diapers changed and who still does not know how to successfully cut his own nails as an equal person. You need to get used to this friendship, just as you get used to the process of difficult and new work.
I was told that I was “putting her on my head”, that it was wrong to spoil a child like that, that it was, after all, dangerous to let a girl decide for herself what was and was not allowed. And I told her: “Everything is possible. But there are some things you don’t need to do.” And she explained why it was unnecessary, harmful and even dangerous to do this or that.
After some time, the benefits emerged. Suddenly it turned out that my daughter consults with me more often than other children do with their parents. I never forced her to do anything (eat, fall asleep on time, study homework, clean up after herself, etc.). At eight years old, she is an excellent student at school, studies English and choreography, knows how to wash the floors not only in her room, but throughout our large apartment, take care of herself - her nails, hair, her shoes, and do some small laundry . And she does all this with pleasure, with a twinkle, and somehow she does it all cleverly and cheerfully. She has a lot of friends who are always hanging around our house, emptying our refrigerator and peeking over her shoulder, “What is this little girl’s mother writing?” She has her first childhood crushes. Thank God, the subjects of these “loves”, her knights and admirers, are also still in front of my eyes: bright-eyed boys in the spirit of Tom Sawyer, Peter Pan and one amazingly smart bespectacled man who looks like Harry Potter.
She very often turns to me with the question: “Mom, do you think it’s possible...?” Probably because he knows: I will never say: “You can’t!” We will decide together whether this or that idea makes sense.
Like all mothers, I am anxiously awaiting the “adulthood”. I remember all too well the first years after university, when I worked at a school, and I immediately found myself in a “difficult” class of fourteen-year-olds. Six months before the prom, one of my girls told me that she was pregnant and asked what she should do. She was afraid to tell her mother about this. Now this girl’s son is a big guy – he plays football, he’s handsome, he’s smart, he’s the object of admiration for all the surrounding girls. But he might not have been born... Who would know what it cost me then - to win his right to life.
I am more afraid than death that my daughter will someday not dare to tell me about something very important. And I tell her now: “Remember, no matter what happens to you, no matter what you do, you have me. And I will always understand you and will be on your side!” Unpedagogical? May be. But every person should know that he has someone who will always understand him, who will help even if he condemns him, who will fight for him with everyone who tries to harm him. It seems to me that this person should be a mother. Who else if not mom?
Happy birthday greetings to my mother's friend
I wish your birthday to give you only positivity! Love, kindness, warmth, luck I wish you vigor and strength! Let your smile shine, Let happiness shine in your eyes! Let everything that was only in dreams easily become real!
Happy birthday to my mother’s best friend, and I wish only happiness for such a spectacular lady. So that joy and mood come to you more often, and adversity and bad luck quietly pass by. So that men would admire, Throw pearls at their feet, Try to get to know each other, And fulfill their wishes!
Happy birthday to a wonderful and sweet woman, a good friend of my mother. I wish you to be happy, loved, successful, desired, cheerful, lucky and beautiful. May your dreams come true, may your loved ones make you happy, may your life be full of fun, inspiration, joy and pleasure.
More congratulations in prose →
Mom can sit on the phone for a whole hour, But with her friend, millions need to be rubbed out for them. But I honestly admire how lucky mom is - You are nearby both when there is joy, And when suddenly evil comes. I wish you a whole ocean of happiness on your birthday, so that in your mood Positivity surges like a volcano!
To my mother, you are my friend, a dear person to me, on your birthday I wish you peace in your heart. I wish you happiness, health, peace, May all your dreams come true. I wish you positivity, Joy and beauty.
You have been friends with my mother for many years, I know you so well, I love you. A wonderful light shines in your eyes. I sincerely want to congratulate you. May your birthday fulfill your dreams, May success be with you every moment. I wish you to reach heights in everything, And for your soul to be filled with inspiration.
To my mother, you are my friend, you are a person close to me, Happy birthday, I wish you happiness for a lifetime. Days of beautiful, interesting, Desires come true, Every day of new discoveries, Admiration and recognition. Let life certainly spin you around like a bright kaleidoscope, Let ups await you ahead, Only changes for the better.
I wish you well-being, so that life becomes better and better! I wish you health, check your life with love! Always be happy, Don’t let the years take you away, Joy to you, mother’s friend, The most faithful, the most reliable!
An example to me is your friendship with your mother, you are close to her and loved by me. On your birthday I wish you to be always protected by an angel. I wish you great happiness, kindness, warmth and understanding, immeasurable love and good luck in your work - bright recognition.
I heartily congratulate you and wish you on your birthday that you are healthy and do not lose inspiration. Strength to you, joy and happiness, Beauty and understanding, Let life give you surprises, Let your calling inspire you.
I wish unearthly beauty, May luck lead you by the hand, May peace settle in your soul, And may the smile on your face live. Problems are not scary at all, And failures are not scary, Attention is in great demand, And so that all problems are solved. Bitter tears will not choke, The heart does not know parting, And you will love life, Of course, the fulfillment of desires.
Can mother and daughter be best friends?
Irina Boyko |
10/14/2014 | 764 Irina Boyko 10/14/2014 764
At first, my mother replaced her friend. Then - all my friends. As a result, mom tried to replace dad, who played the role of a “negative hero” in the house. How to correctly distribute roles in the complex game of mother-daughter?
Since childhood, I have been proud that my best friend is my mother. She and I were real conspirators! Dad was very often harsh and rude to her. And my mother cried out her resentment on my shoulder. I was happy that I could console her and assure her that she was the best in the world. After all, it was so important for mom!
She was jealous of her father towards all women at once. When he was delayed, my mother could not find a place for herself from excitement and jealousy - and then in her hearts she told all the worst things about dad, constantly asking me: “Well, am I not right?” I nodded my head: “Right, right...” Several times I even watched whether my father went in the direction of work after he turned the corner of the house...
In fact, I loved my dad no less and therefore was constantly tormented by severe remorse. Pulling me over to her side, my mother did not care at all about how such contradictory feelings should fit into my childish head. I decided to myself that only for her sake I would tolerate slander against my father, and I myself would continue to love him. But no matter how hard I tried, my remorse only became stronger.
Only 2% of women aged 15 to 40 call their mother their best friend.
Unworthy girls
Then I noticed that I had no girlfriends at all. As soon as some girl began to be friends with me, my mother immediately found a lot of shortcomings in her. And her main argument is that this girl is unworthy of you!
Suffering from constantly betraying my father, I was no longer able to betray my friends. Therefore, I completely stopped bringing girls into the house and telling my mother about them. It wasn't easy. The slightest slip - and the vigilant mother immediately asked sternly: “Who is Sveta? The one whose father is always out and about?”
The moment came when I began to envy all the girls whose mothers were like mothers, and not girlfriends! Although they were often scolded with screams that reached the yard. And they never even raised their voices at me.
Only many years later, when I had a daughter myself, I learned five rules for myself that I try to strictly follow.
Don't break the chain of command
No matter how friendly the relationship between you is, a parent must remain a parent, a child a child. We should not stoop to the level of children and should not try to raise them to ours.
Listen to your daughter
When talking heart to heart with your daughter, try to listen more. After all, what seems like a mere trifle to us may seem like an insurmountable task to a girl of her age.
The daughter should be friends with peers
Let your daughter consider her peers to be her “bosom” friends, even if we are not at all delighted with some of them.
Don't put your problems on your daughter.
There is no need to put your worries on children’s fragile shoulders, they may simply not be able to withstand this load!
Don't turn your daughter against her father
No matter how your relationship with your husband develops, you cannot be friends with a child “against” the dad, although sometimes you really want to get such a strong ally! Your relationship with your spouse is your own business; there is no need to involve your daughter in this.
RelationshipsFriends and relativesWomen's psychologyChildrenRaising children
daughter's friend
in complete confusion and dementia. I.
If it's not the right category, please move it!
I haven't been on BB for a long time! It turns out there are a lot of letters... Girls, everyone who wrote, sorry that we were left without an answer! a huge amount of worries. My mother has a disability and has had two surgeries - on the spinal cord and on the brain. a lot of work. children let me light a cigarette... all this can be dealt with somehow. but what is happening now plunges me into complete stupor! where to go for advice if not here... the post did not go into family problems, because... For moderators, these are not family problems at all!)))) and lo and behold! "personal problems"
The story is very complicated, I don’t really know what to do.
The eldest daughter (will be 20 in October) has a friend. former classmate. The girl's fate is very difficult. The girls communicated quite closely, my daughter told my husband and me some moments, some are still being revealed to this day.
Story:
a girl from a dysfunctional family, her mother either drank, or went on walks, or (under the threat of deprivation of parental rights) seemed to come to her senses, but then periodically went off the rails. The girl was raised by her grandmother. There was a lot that was complicated and incomprehensible. incomprehensible to us.
After the 9th grade, my daughter’s friend left school, went to college on a budget, everything seemed to be fine. We, to some extent, breathed more freely, because... We didn’t like this kind of friendship at all. We hoped that their paths would diverge at least for a while...
but it was not there!
a fellow student introduces our daughter's friend to her brother, and a romance begins. The guy is older, seems to work, but is not a Muscovite or from the Moscow region, a newcomer. She really wants a family, doesn’t live at home, gets pregnant, drops out of college. At this moment, the mother sells the apartment, promising the girl a certain amount if she signs an agreement. the consent is signed, the apartment is sold. We bought a plot of land who knows where and started building a house. themselves - the girlfriend’s mother, grandmother and grandmother’s brother (all who were registered in the apartment) live on the neighboring property of my mother’s roommate. there is no residence permit or registration. The house, as my mother dreamed, had nothing to build. The girl is leaving to live in Dagestan!!! to the father of his unborn child. Okay, I think, well, you never know. Love! Well, I think she's stupid. Well, I think she’s not alone. There are parents, there is a man, there will be a child. family. Let her be happy!
then the trashing begins! It’s almost impossible for a girlfriend to get along in the “husband’s” family. The guy refuses to get married, but he doesn’t give up either. The girl cannot return to her mother; her mother’s partner will not let her and the child in. a child is born in Dagestan, they live like tumbleweeds, then they come to Moscow, he looks for a job, but doesn’t find one. Then they return to the “husband’s” parents again.
and now the most important thing. Our daughter lives in her grandmother’s house, and her grandmother is with us due to her poor health. The house was vacant, not far from us. I wanted an adult life. Well, OK! both independently and before our eyes. A new friend from college from Tambov also moved there. OK. They don’t sit on our necks, a girl from Tambov works and studies, and comes to spend the night twice a week. She left our institute, but works part-time, doesn’t complain about life, we don’t give money, we only pay for utilities. We are waiting for our brains to fall into place.
That's not the main thing. The main thing is that the school girlfriend is running away from her “husband” from Dagestan, for the reason I quote: “he beats, drinks, doesn’t work, the relationship with her husband’s parents is terrible, they don’t help with their child (2 years old), they support the “husband”, they hate him and their daughter "and comes, with permission!!!! our daughter to a house that belongs to my mother, our grandmother. Because there's nowhere else to go. without money, with a lot of luggage, and great hopes for a bright future. We were all presented with a fait accompli, including the owner of the house, because... The girl will find a job tomorrow for 60,000 rubles (enough to pay for a nanny and rent an apartment) and move out to a better life! Knowing some of my friend’s biography, I found it hard to believe!
Only a nanny costs a little more money than planned, a job without education and experience cannot be found, and what is found is simply life-threatening... 2 weeks have passed.
The girl goes to interviews, our daughter sits with her child.
we tried (yes, no one asked us) to find her a job and give her advice. Where there! The salary is small, there is 0 prestige, and so on and so forth! To say that we are terrified is to say nothing! She offered to send this classmate’s grandmother to a rented apartment so as not to have to pay the nanny to go to work herself. They found a job at a factory with prospects and a decent salary. to which I was told that my grandmother would not be allowed to help, because she takes care of the dogs that this friend’s mother raises.
a curtain!
and now the question is: what should we do with all this? How to proceed? because grandma’s house is not a dormitory and we are not a charitable organization! and the owner of the house still plans to return there.
