One day I received a very interesting newsletter. I don’t even remember who its author was (may he forgive me for that), but the text of the newsletter remained with me and sank into my soul. It talks about how to make a man a man so that you can lean on his strong shoulder in difficult times and about the main mistakes women make in relationships with men. The entire text is based on comparison with the film “Angel-A”, I recommend it to those who haven’t watched it.
So, the site for women You-Pretty.net provides the text of the newsletter below.
Using the example of the film “Angel-A”, let’s look at the relationship between a man and a woman from a new angle.
It has already been mentioned a couple of times in the articles that you need to cultivate a partner , that waiting for happiness to fall into your hands is the height of naivety. There is always someone next to us who we deserve, and to move to the next level, we need to make some effort, and not just sit and wait.
This article will talk about who a woman can be for a man, how a woman can raise a man and help him grow up.
There is no injustice in the fact that a woman should make efforts to raise a man. The opposite is unfair, when a woman expects a man to fall at her feet and make her happy for the mere right to be near her.
Unfortunately, you have to use words like “must”, which can be understood in very different ways. In reality, of course, no one owes anyone anything. When I say that a woman “should” make an effort to help her man grow up, I only mean it as an inevitability: if a woman wants to be happy with a man, she will have to put in the effort to grow him.
So, let's move on to the illustration itself. To make it clear what we are talking about, I recommend watching the film first, and only then reading further. Although, maybe in the reverse order it will look even better, especially since there is no special intrigue in the film that could not be revealed. Decide for yourself.
Film "Angel-A"
I avoided this film for two years - I really disliked the actor who played the leading role. I don’t even remember how it happened that I finally watched it, but I definitely didn’t expect anything special from it. But it turned out that the film was very wow.
I watched it in Russian dubbing - the voices and manner of speech of the characters were done wonderfully, probably only the original is better .
The film is black and white, shot with humor and in a somewhat unconventional manner, but very harmoniously - tastefully and without unnecessary extravagance. It’s interesting to watch even without any psychological overtones.
Unfortunately, the last 10 minutes of the film, dedicated to playing out the snotty happy ending, spoil the overall impression a little. For therapeutic purposes, it would be worth putting the point in a different place and a little differently, but no one asked us.
Submit to a man
The main character of the film is a man, an introvert, a loser. He is so lied to and confused about his life that he ends up on a bridge with the intention of drowning himself. He has nothing left but debts and is ready to jump into the water when a woman appears nearby...
From the very first minutes, she forces him to act - stop reasoning, doubting and prevaricating, decide - do it. She jumps into the water first and thereby sets an example for him. Instead of reading morals, dissuading him or poking his nose at his own indecision, as women often do with their men, she supports his endeavor and helps him take the first step. She helps him behave like a man.
And he jumps after her - throwing away all the pros and cons, forgetting that he is no swimmer, he jumps from the bridge into the water to save her. And what is important here is not the knightly act, but the very fact that he rushes forward, acts, in defiance of fear and all doubts.
He pulls her out of the water, and she takes the next step - something that a woman is very rarely capable of, but something that every woman should learn - she puts herself in the hands of a man.
She forces him to take responsibility for a woman , but not on the terms on which this usually happens - not in a way that dumps her problems on him and takes him under the reins, but in an adult way - in exchange for her own will. She submits to the man and thereby again drives him into a situation where he is forced to behave like a man - to make clear decisions and act.
The most important thing here is that she does not push him with a stick, does not put pressure on him and does not demand anything. She says, “Now I’m yours,” and in all seriousness submits to his will, and the man finds himself in a trap —now HE’S in charge, he’s the one to make decisions, he’s the one to bear responsibility.
This maneuver requires a woman to overcome her own pride and be ready to stand at the throat of her own song. Every woman in a relationship with a man wants to be weak, but to be weak with all the advantages of this role, a woman needs to be very strong.
Only by learning to voluntarily give her will into the hands of a man does a woman get what she wants - the opportunity to be weak and have a strong man next to her.
A woman “must” make every effort not to become a mother for a man, even when he himself pushes her to do so. This is where all the wisdom and restraint that a woman is capable of is needed - not to defeat a man at any cost, not to subjugate him, but to surrender to him herself.
Do men need support?
The main question: how to support a man if he has a streak of failures? And is it even worth doing this? There are two different opinions on this matter.
1) Some argue that the stronger sex desperately needs the support of the woman they love. After all, she is both a muse and an inspiration for him. With her feminine energy she energizes a man to win. And he is ready to reach even greater heights, thanks to his companion.
2) Others, on the contrary, are sure that an adult and strong person does not need help. Like, everyone has “dark streaks” and you need to be able to overcome them yourself, and not make your beloved a nanny. And in general, “men don’t cry.” And weaklings are not worthy of love at all.
Who to believe? Personally, I am convinced that a man needs to be helped. Only here the golden mean is important, a kind of support without neurosis. It doesn't have to be like mothering.
And also remember that we are all different. For some men, a few compliments and words of gratitude from the girl they love are enough. To others - affection and tenderness. And for some, a delicious lunch and an ironed shirt will help.
To make it easier for you to choose a behavior strategy, I suggest you learn how to and how not to provide support. And one more thing: add your options in the comments.
Accept without judgment
Let's return to the plot of the film. The next revealing moment is how a woman shows a man his mistakes. She does it very correctly - toughly, but without any judgment. She accepts a man with all his weaknesses and shortcomings - she does not judge him, does not laugh at him, does not try to rise by humiliating him. She really wants to help him correct these mistakes.
And at the same time, there is no maternal condescension in her - she remains a woman who gave herself into the hands of this man. One does not interfere with the other - she is responsible for her choice and does not require a man to be something different. She only helps him do what he himself wants - to become stronger and freer.
He constantly receives psychological blows from her, but this does not humiliate him, because she is not trying to humiliate him, she is trying her best to help him. Why would a woman humiliate her man in order to end up with a downtrodden, pathetic creature? And who will benefit from this?
Learning to accept a person is the most difficult and most important task in a relationship. This is the foundation without which no lasting relationship can exist, and this is the foundation that will be enough, even if everything else goes awry. But this is also the most difficult thing. Look in the mirror - can you accept at least this person without any reservations?
What's the best way to support a man?
So, you understand what will be harmful. Let's look at what will be useful. How can you inspire a man to win?
Give compliments
The simplest method, but no less effective. Many people are familiar with my PDA technology. It works flawlessly. Let me remind you once again of its essence. You tell the man how great he is, how proud you are of him. Then you “put forward your agenda” - ask for something, express your opinion or even dissatisfaction. And the final maneuver is to praise him and thank him again.
Want to master even more women's tricks? Then sign up for the “Secrets of Women’s Happiness” course. Details on the official website of Pavel Rakov.
Listen to him
It can be very difficult for girls to refrain from commenting when something has happened. Listening to a person means turning off your “I”, not expressing your opinion, not giving an assessment. Try to understand his feelings, show active listening. It’s not for nothing that nature has endowed you with such a quality as empathy.
Just stay close
How to support a person who is feeling bad? Give him time to be alone, to think about the problem himself. And just sometimes stay close. This means moving away a little, but being emotionally with him. Don't be angry, don't be offended. Remember that your feminine energy gives a man strength.
Allow mistakes to be made
The next important point, which is perfectly shown in the film, is how a woman allows a man to make a mistake. She knows in advance that the decision made by the man will lead to a loss, but, nevertheless, she allows the man to have a negative experience. He loses HER money, but her intervention is limited only to an unobtrusive warning about a possible mistake.
This is very different from how women (both mothers and friends) usually react. It is believed that preventing a person from making a mistake is the highest manifestation of caring for a loved one. However, in practice, such concern turns out to be nothing more than a disservice. A person is deprived of the opportunity to gain his own experience and learn something; instead, he only develops doubts about himself and fears about the difficulties of life.
Women have a well-developed sense of possible dangers, and a woman’s task is to warn a man about them. But the final decision must still remain with him. A man must make a decision HIMSELF and get the result he gets. Even if this is the stupidest mistake, this is the only opportunity for him to learn something.
A man, a child, a friend should be allowed to make mistakes and take responsibility for them - this is what will be a manifestation of love and care, and not just to protect them from pain and troubles at any cost.
How to help a man adapt, accept the new role of a father and responsibility?
I have already written about the reasons why husbands change after the birth of children in one article, now I propose to move on to action! ) How to help a man adapt, accept the new role of a father and responsibility?
A short guide for women on helping men, and vice versa)
In my opinion, the answers to many questions that new fathers of a family have are simply and clearly written in Hugh Weber’s book “From Dude to Father,” based on the own experience of an ordinary guy who has already become a father twice)))
I will comment on the 13 conclusions that Weber came to based on his new experience from a psychological point of view
1. “Dad, mom and I are a whole family” The family system has expanded: there are more responsibilities, responsibilities, and it is worth recognizing the fact that now it is not only the head of the family who makes decisions, but two adults - a man and a woman - who decide what to do. , mother and father. And these decisions directly or indirectly affect their child. It is important to understand this fact and act in the interests of 3 people, not just one.
2. “Worst fears come true” Caring for a baby requires special patience and quick learning of new rules. Changing a diaper, washing, rocking, and withstanding loud screams and crying require a certain amount of endurance. Remember: this difficult period will definitely end, both for you and for your spouse!
3. “Let me introduce: your wife” You have changed (externally, internally), your new role - the role of a mother, absorbs almost all of your time, both daytime and nighttime. And, to quote the client: “I just need care and support, so that in the evening he would just hug me and say: “You’re so smart!” …” Convey this message to your parenting partner: each of you needs support and encouragement!
4. “Partners don’t need pedestals” After “getting to know each other again”, pay attention to the fact that you are in an equal position, the child is as much yours as his. What your marriage and you yourself were like BEFORE pregnancy and the birth of a child remains in the past. It's time to renew relationships and become participants in the process of "equal opportunities". These are opportunities to see, hear, understand your partner, to “carefully remove yourself from the pedestal” on which you were while carrying a new person under your heart.
5. “Control is a myth” Raising a child is not limited to just control, prohibitions, teaching, often raising him the way you want him to be, #because I know better - a task doomed to failure! Humanity has a science - pedagogy, but there is no specific set of rules “What to do! ": how to educate, how to control, how to worry less about your offspring, and how to know in advance what your decisions will only be for his benefit! To be constantly in a situation of uncertainty, (to be frustrated), not knowing what is best to do, to doubt your choice of educational methods - this is extremely difficult! But it is in doubt that your resource! Since while you are in doubt, you think and do not succumb to emotional impulses, and your critical thinking can help you understand what is happening and draw the right conclusions.
6. Taking into account “quick failures” Feelings of guilt are also always present with parenthood. No matter how hard you try and avoid mistakes, they will be there. Being an ideal parent is possible only in your own dreams and fantasies. And here comes the work on mistakes, most often independently. You should understand where the “roots of failure” lie and take your time to learn valuable lessons from past misdeeds. Everyone makes mistakes sometime - it’s more important what conclusions they draw after!
7. And 12. “Set boundaries! " and "Freedom to be yourself" The birth of a child is quite stressful, and according to the methods of American psychologists Holmes and Ray, the stress scale, your personal indicator of emotional stress may begin to go "off scale", and along with the joy of parenthood you may feel "inexplicable" irritation and loss of strength . Unfortunately, stress is an integral part of our lives! And it can be caused by both negative and pleasant, significant events. “And a stress-free life would mean not only avoiding quarrels and failures, but also giving up everyday joys and personal achievements.”
Find relaxation methods that suit you, don’t take your anger out on your partner and child!
Your world has become different, and if you approach this with understanding and a bit of humor, then you can find happiness in motherhood/fatherhood!
8. “Be in place completely and completely” In Gestalt psychology, as in Buddhism, there is a very important principle - to be “here and now.” That is, to be included, immersed in what is happening 100%. It just seems simple!
Observe how much time you spend surfing the Internet? For talking on the phone? What are your loved ones doing at this moment? And will your baby be able to compete for your attention with gadgets and the World Wide Web? (In my opinion, the film “Peaceful Warrior” is a good illustration of full inclusion in reality).
9 and 11. “Give up role models! " and "Seize the moment" The competition under the motto "Best Parent of the Year" can be lost at the start! You should not compare yourself with other “ideal fathers/mothers”. Compare yourself only to your past self. Your experience consists of your “victories” and the bumps you have “filled” in raising your child. Remember that feeling of confidence and knowledge gained after another defeat, then patience and understanding after dispelling fantasies about the ideality of raising an ideal child. Your attention and complete dedication are the foundation of what is required. Demand what you can do from yourself!
10. “Triangulation - look for three points of support! » Triangulation is the process of finding 3 permanent orientation points in search of a more accurate determination of the course of a sea vessel.
To help yourself, find 3 men (or 3 women, or 3 families) on whom you could rely. The first is the one who already has experience of fatherhood, but his children have not yet become adults. This person will be able to share his experience with you. And also: “Such an example before your eyes will save you from arrogance.”
The second “example” could be a friend who has not yet become a dad. He has a lot to learn from you, and in return you get a simpler “not too serious” attitude towards life.
The third one may be in the “same boat” with you. He understands and is aware of what happens in the family, in marriage, in fatherhood, in the loss of a bachelor lifestyle. He is “your dude” with whom you can share your troubles!
13. “Raise a child of your capabilities” I often ask the parents of my little clients 3 questions: 1) What kind of future do you want for your children? 2) What is more important to you: obedience or the success of your child? 3) What experience/lesson will the child gain if you do not give him the right to make mistakes?
Yes, and I completely agree with the author of the book: we need to “give children the opportunity to “become the best Version of themselves.”
Don't regret
There are several other interesting examples in the film of how a woman can help a man grow up, but let them remain for you to train your own powers of observation.
And the last thing I want to draw attention to is how a woman helps a man stop feeling sorry for himself and overcome his fear. This is where it all begins and ends. Fear and self-pity are the main enemies of a man. And in overcoming them, a woman can be either an excellent helper or a huge hindrance.
With some reservation, one can even say this - only in a relationship with a woman can a man overcome self-pity. If fear is something a man can cope with on his own, then a woman is needed to overcome pity.
The thing is that self-pity is formed as a continuation of the model of the relationship between mother and child. And until a man breaks out of the framework of the childish pattern of perception, and learns to see in a woman just a woman, and not a mother, he will continue to feel sorry for himself.
This pattern can be broken by the example of a woman who loves, but does not regret, points out weaknesses, but does not condemn, pushes to action, but does not control, demands courage, but not for herself, teaches honesty, but not in front of herself... How many women are there? are they capable? But everyone wants to be happy.
The man was weak, dependent and unhappy, but became strong, free and happy. A woman raised a man and grew up herself.
Be weak
Unfortunately, Russian women do not often resort to such a trick; most likely, this is due to the stereotype that has long been formed among male representatives in relation to women. Remember, “Running Horse...” - this is not about you. Why should a man take on household, and moreover, masculine responsibilities, if he is sure that his wife can hang a chandelier, fix an outlet, and move the furniture in the bedroom with incredible efforts. I don’t want to say anything about women who are capable of this, moreover, I sincerely admire them. But I still want to advise them to transform into a weak woman from time to time. And all your skills can be left for the case when your man is really not around and, accordingly, he cannot help.
