Women's "families" - the result of loneliness and disappointment or a choice?

Biography of Tatyana Golikova

Tatyana Alekseevna Golikova – economist (doctorate in economics, professorship), since 2020 – Deputy Prime Minister for Social Affairs, from 2013 to 2020 – Chairman of the Accounts Chamber. From 2002 to 2004, she was chief deputy to Finance Minister Alexei Kudrin. While working at the Ministry of Finance, she drafted federal budgets, financing science, the social sphere and the state apparatus, and advocated the monetization of benefits (the project was adopted in 2005 and caused a wide public outcry).

In the photo: Tatyana Golikova

From 2007 to 2012 served as Minister of Health and Social Development. At this time, pension reform was initiated, the Blood Service was created, and a package of cancer prevention measures was introduced. For suspicions of lobbying the interests of a drug manufacturer, she received the nickname “Miss Arbidol.”

Childhood and family

Tatyana was born on February 9, 1966 in Mytishchi, near Moscow, and lived there in her grandmother’s house until she was eight years old. At this time, parents worked a lot and studied at the same time, so they could not raise Tatyana themselves. In addition to Tanya, her cousin grew up in Mytishchi. Grandmother lived in an old barracks and was very ill, she even had difficulty moving, so the girls had to learn a lot. They weeded the garden beds, washed the floor, and peeled potatoes. Grandmother was very strict, so iron discipline reigned in the house. The girls did not go to kindergarten, spending almost the entire day in the yard. Despite all the difficulties, Golikova fondly remembers the time when she lived in Mytishchi, where there were many friends and joyful moments.

Tatyana Golikova in childhood

The girl graduated from school in Lesnoy Gorodok, a village near Moscow. During her school years, Tatyana was a school Komsomol organizer. She decided to enter the Institute of National Economy, choosing the general economics department. In 1987, she graduated and began her career.

Are women’s “families” the result of loneliness and disappointment or a choice?

Women who create “Ladies' Families” also have an economic motive - living together is easier and cheaper. However, what is primary is not the material component, but the need for a reliable rear - for support, for an understanding friend, for a housewife and for raising children. It is becoming increasingly difficult to get all this “in one bottle” in the person of a husband. So the ladies unite to share the family load. Considering that these unions do not carry any sexual component, each member of the female family also frees up time for their personal life - going on dates and parties. But, as a rule, the “female fortress” walks around without serious intentions - a man is only suitable for easy sex!

What paths lead to the ladies' enclave?

Path 1: Without you - like without hands

Svetlana came to Yulia as a nanny almost 7 years ago, when Yulia’s daughter Masha was 3 months old, and the young mother had to return to work. At that time, Svetlana was 35, she divorced her husband and devoted herself to Yulina’s family. Returning home, Yulia found not only a well-groomed daughter, but also a hot dinner, a cleaned apartment, and washed laundry. In the evenings, Sveta went to her home to return to Yulia’s house early in the morning.

“Sveta and I are almost the same age and gradually became best friends,” shares Yulia. “She was always there, in the know about everything. We went through Mashka’s illnesses together and, of course, my troubles with my husband.

When a year later it turned out that her husband had another woman, Yulia, of course, was horrified and desperate... But her housekeeper friend was very supportive.

“My husband cheated on me too,” Svetlana says today, “I endured, forgave... But if a man is a male, only the grave will correct him.” It’s a pity, God didn’t give me children, but I don’t regret getting divorced one bit. So I told Yulka the same thing, why do you need this hassle? You earn money yourself, you have a daughter, why keep a traitor in the house? Let him go wherever he wants, but we can handle it ourselves.

And so it happened. Yulia’s husband left, Sveta rented out her apartment and moved to live with Yulia and Masha. Yulia continued to pay Sveta the nanny's salary, but now Sveta began to participate in the household from her own funds - she bought food, household items, clothes and toys for the child. Mashenka is used to having her mother and Sveta, and her father picking her up on Sundays.

So 6 years have passed - and now Sveta and Yulia cannot even imagine another life.

“Maybe it’s just because we have the same personalities,” Yulia suggests. “We are different, but we feel comfortable together.” And each of us is non-conflict. For example, I don’t care if Sveta redoes something in the house in her own way. She loves to make things cozy, but I’m so busy at work that I have no time for that. And Svetka, in turn, cannot stand it when she is told and controlled in small things. And we never even quarreled. Well, maybe half ass...

“I scold Yulia when she completely forgets that she is a mother,” admits Sveta. “She and Masha are like my two daughters: they eat, and each does her own thing.” I don’t mind, I love caring. But I still think that the child should understand who is the mother and who is the aunt.

- How do you manage without your personal life? - I’m curious. - These women are still young!

- Why do we make do? - both smile. - We are not nuns, we let each other go as needed. But, of course, we don’t bring men here, the house is sacred!

“I’m also keeping an eye on Yulka in this matter,” Sveta clarifies. — She is our financial director with a large salary, many people approach her. And if they invite her somewhere to the theatre, or to a country house for a picnic, or to the sea, I send her out myself - I’m guessing she’s not a girl, sometimes you need to take a break from the routine. In May, she flew with me to the Canary Islands in the company of bankers. But if some hanger-on breaks in here, I’ll lay down my bones, but I won’t let him in!

- What if suddenly a serious relationship?

- Serious - let's consider it! - Sveta promises. “But I won’t let her throw herself headlong on someone’s neck.”

- Sveta, how are you? You are only 4 years older than Yulia, but you look after her like a mother...

- Yes, Sveta is the best among us! - Julia laughs. “She just has a permanent boyfriend, with his own apartment.” She visits him twice a week, I let her go until the morning. I can’t do any more, things don’t allow it!

- And if the gentleman gets tired of such a visiting lady of his heart?

- I’ll really get tired of it! — the inhabitants of the women’s fortress object to me in unison. — Men like “guest marriage” - so that there are no responsibilities, but all fun! Is he feeling bad, or what? She will come twice a week, clean the house, do the laundry, feed him, give him some love - and he is free until the next visit.

“It’s easier to maintain relationships this way,” Yulia is sure. “And if I find a suitable man, I will also organize something similar.” I still can’t get along with anyone better than with Sveta in everyday life.

Path 2. Poor rich girl

Tanya and Olya lived on the same stairwell, sat at the same desk, entered the same university, and even were in love with the same guy for some time - but even this did not quarrel between them. Around the same time, both lost their parents and had to urgently become adults. Tanya, having received her diploma, married a classmate, who a few years later became a very rich man (it was the end of the 90s). Olya didn’t get married, but she quickly climbed the career ladder, ending up in the top management of a Western company with a corresponding salary. After another 2 years, her husband, who had become rich, left Tanya and her little daughter - however, he left her a spacious country house and an allowance. Meanwhile, Olya was laid off at work; she didn’t want to go to “just any” job. But Tanya really wanted to finally go out into people and work somewhere. And the friends, having discussed their problems, found a solution. Olya moved to Tanya’s country house, where she has lived for several years now, looking after Tanya’s daughter, driving her to school in her car and working part-time as an accountant at home. Meanwhile, Tanya’s mother has succeeded in her career and comes every evening very late, but with all sorts of delicacies for her family, consisting of Olya and her daughter. Neither Tanya nor Olya are going to get married: Tanya is afraid that if she gets married again, her ex will stop helping her with money, and Olya says that she doesn’t see any worthy candidates. At the same time, both have visiting gentlemen: the ladies’ house is large and allows them to receive them, organizing small parties. But the friends categorically do not want to leave any of them forever.

Path 3. Friends in misfortune

Katya and Marina walked with strollers on the same playground, then simultaneously went to the nursery, then to the kindergarten. Their boys were born a week apart and by the age of 3 they were friends like siblings. Katya raised her son alone from the very beginning, and Marina divorced when her son was just over 3 years old. She had to go to her mother’s hometown, although she really didn’t want to. Katya lived with her son and mother in a three-room apartment, so she invited her friend to rent one room from them at a friendly price. Marina agreed and moved. From the very beginning, the girls lived as one family - with the children and Katya’s mother Valentina Ivanovna.

Then Valentina Ivanovna became seriously ill. She needed a nurse, and her friends couldn’t afford this expensive service, and she really didn’t want to let a stranger into the house. But a solution was found quickly: Marina offered to call her mother for help.

Olga Alekseevna, Marina’s mother, agreed to this with joy - she lived alone, missed her daughter and grandson very much, and received pennies for working as a salesman in her town. When this energetic, cheerful, cheerful woman appeared in Katya’s house, everything in it came to life. Olga Alekseevna not only looked after the sick woman, but also took charge of the household, looked after the boys, and generally filled the house with warmth and care. And even more so for Valentina Ivanovna she became an indispensable confidante.

Whether it was her worries, or fate decreed it this way, Valentina Ivanovna recovered after a while. However, at the family council, everyone unanimously decided that Olga Alekseevna would remain in Moscow...

All members of this enclave, which has existed for 3 years, are happy, and when asked about the future they answer - the guys will grow up, and then we’ll see. “Given the irresponsibility of modern men,” explains Marina, “even for the sake of the most beautiful of them, it is not worth risking an established life and the well-being of a child.”

The girls do everything together... Photo from personal archive.

There were also those who successfully married straight from the women's fortress and do not regret the experience they received there:

“After graduating from university, I lived with four friends for 4 years,” astropsychologist and writer Irina Air shares her personal experience. — I remember that time with pleasure: it was a useful experience that allowed me to gain skills in building relationships in a women’s team. And I can repeat it today: nothing relaxes you after work like a fun conversation with the girls over dinner! We traveled together and spent all our free time. But we had an agreement: no men at night! But somehow one of us insidiously violated this agreement, and a guy moved in with us. We nicknamed him Nafanya, he was almost unnoticeable, but the very fact of his presence in our house irritated all the inhabitants - well, except Nafanya’s mistress, of course. And one day we called the offender friend for a conversation and diplomatically ordered Nathanya to get out! The friend was offended, packed her things and left with her brownie. But soon she returned home to us, alone. We understood her without words, forgave her and let her back. The main thing that life in a women's fortress taught us is mutual assistance. And this did not prevent each of us from subsequently getting happily married.”

The inexperienced majority is skeptical about female families. “Men have not yet realized what a threat these women’s pits pose to them!” — believe the creators of a special resource on social networks, whose activities are aimed at combating female fortresses under the slogan “To be a woman is to be with a man.” Among the active participants there are mainly men, but there are also ladies. Here is what one of them says about her 8-month experience of living in a female family: “If the female team in the office is a terrarium, then the female family is a terrarium combined with a gas chamber. There is a hierarchy in both male and female teams, but men differ in that they do not bully those who are weaker than them. But for women, it’s not enough for them to subjugate another person; they need to constantly, over and over again, affirm that they are stronger and smarter. A family of single women is a separate hell, I lived in one for a little less than a year due to circumstances: my father left my mother, and I was 22, and I gave birth to a boyfriend who ran away. An old grandmother lived with us; she needed care. And my mother sent her younger sister - also a divorcee - from the periphery, and she dragged her two unmarried daughters - the capital! And then it began - squabbles, gossip, envy, constant suspicions that someone is contributing less to the household and eating more... I remember one feeling - hopelessness! I saw that because of their unsettled personal lives, all these women were eating each other from the inside. They united only in one case: if one of them was abandoned by a man. This is where sincere support, a friend’s shoulder, sympathy began, cognac was opened and a truly warm, friendly women’s evening began. They all hated men, and yet each of the inhabitants of our “pit” tried to “couple”... Soon I got married. And every time I wanted to yell at my husband and slam the door in anger, I remembered that I would have to return to the “woman’s pit” - and I stopped. So this experience was good for me - it pacified my temper and increased in my eyes the value of a normal family with a man. But not everyone will come to the same conclusion. After all, when the “woman’s kingdom” every time supports a friend offended by a man and takes her side, whether she is right or wrong, this drives her into an even greater “woman’s hole.”

“A woman’s family, even if it is based not on intimate relationships, but on mutual assistance and understanding, is also a unit of society, with its own laws and relationships within,” says family psychologist Denis Tokar. “And since the prerequisites for the emergence of women’s enclaves arise as a consequence of negative male behavior, it is quite natural that within the cell any representative of the stronger sex is considered an enemy. Even if all the members of the cell are deeply intelligent and educated women and the enemy is not openly named, it is still implied. It is natural for a person to protect his small community from an external enemy, but what can destroy a woman’s fortress? Only the appearance of a man. And even if we assume that, due to the anti-male sentiments hovering inside the ladies’ enclaves, none of the adult inhabitants will ever connect their lives with a man, there will still be children. And the grown-up son, having turned into a man, will either be crushed under a woman’s heel, or expelled and cursed after him. And girls who grew up in such a “pit” will not only not be able to build relationships with men, but will also become terribly afraid of them.

Career

Golikova’s first place of work after graduation was the Research Institute of the State Labor Committee.
There she worked in the payroll department for three years. The next place of work was the Ministry of Finance as an economist. A year later, this department was transformed into the Ministry of Finance of Russia. In all the following years, until 2007, Golikova climbed the career ladder in this department, starting from the position of leading economist, ending with the position of deputy head of the budget department. In 1995, she was involved in developing the country's budget. In 1998, Golikova headed the budget department, and in 1999 she became deputy minister of finance.

Young Tatyana Golikova (1992)

Colleagues spoke of Golikova as a high-class specialist in financial matters, as a person with a phenomenal memory.

Over the years of work at the Ministry of Finance, Golikova participated in the development of a large number of important laws.

In 2005, while continuing to work at the Ministry of Finance, Tatyana Alekseevna defended her doctoral dissertation, the topic of which concerned interbudgetary relations.

In September 2007, Golikova was appointed, which came as a complete surprise to many, as Minister of Health and Social Policy. And Zurabov, who held this position before her, was dismissed.

During the military conflict in which Georgia and South Ossetia were involved in 2008, Tatyana Alekseevna went to Vladikavkaz to visit medical institutions. Thanks to her patronage, medical equipment and about a ton of drugs and medicines were sent to Vladikavkaz.

Tatyana Golikova about the national project “Demography” In 2009, Golikova was among those who developed methods for the prevention and treatment of swine flu.

In this responsible position, Tatyana Alekseevna’s activities were aimed at modernizing healthcare. In particular, her plans included an increase in organizations’ contributions to compulsory health insurance. It was assumed that these funds would be used to meet the needs of free medicine. The minister’s immediate plans were to provide jobs for all military doctors who lost their jobs due to the reorganization of the Ministry of Defense.

In 2012, Tatyana Alekseevna was no longer included in the new government. The department she controlled was divided into two separate ones. They were headed by Golikova’s former deputies, Topilin and Skvortsova, and the former minister became an assistant to the president. She was entrusted with overseeing the issues of South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

In the fall of 2013, Tatyana Alekseevna became the chairman of the Accounts Chamber.

Posner. Tatiana Golikova

Family problem: if the wife is the head of the family

Even if a wife takes on the role of breadwinner not because life forced her, but because of her ambitions, this may seem humiliating to her husband. If the husband is quite happy with a place on the sofa and is ready to devote time to the children and housework while the wife is at work, rare couples live such a life happily ever after.

More on the topic: Difficulties in family relationships - how to cope with difficulties?

It’s not so easy to give up natural needs: a man wants to be fulfilled, a woman wants to feel a man’s care and shoulder, instead of forever storming her career at the cost of fatigue.

In advanced cases, such a change of power leads to complete misunderstanding, quarrels, conflicts and breaks. Is it normal for a wife to become the head of the family and how to save such a marriage? Let's figure it out together with experts. Psychologist Igor Chersky , TV presenter and psychologist Yana Laputina , athlete Anastasia Myskina and singer Natalya Gulkina will tell you how to resolve all controversial issues.

What happens to a family when roles change?

In addition to the well-known accusations of male laziness and female excessive independence, experts discovered several more painful topics:

1. The woman continues to be needed by the children, and it is not possible to completely leave the family to her husband.

What should a woman do?

According to the unanimous opinion of experts, the first problem of a woman who becomes a prime mover in the family is the inability to rest and relax. It’s not at all necessary to give up your career and nag your husband; it’s important to learn to spend time on yourself in order to regain your feminine qualities, and your husband’s desire to take care of you.

It is important to solve this problem with an integrated approach. If your character needs victories, direct your energy into sports. Anastasia Myskina advises exercises that relieve tension, relax muscles, but also give them a normal load.

Yana Laputina draws attention to the fact that in no case should you lose respect for your husband just because today the situation has turned in your favor. Disappointment in a man can make you treat him dismissively and assert yourself. It is very important to always be able to compromise. A family in which one suppresses the other has no future.

Working women have a tendency to dress functionally. Natalya Gulkina advises reconsidering your wardrobe towards lighter and brighter things.

The role of a man

A man who is unable to compete with a woman gives up the fight right away, so as not to see once again that her successes are greater and better. But there are enough examples of strong women whose career does not interfere with remaining warm and understanding in their family.

The most successful women are well aware of the difficulties in their personal lives for those who do not want to give up their positions to a man. Irina Viner , Irina Khakamada and Alena Doletskaya share useful tips.

Personal life of Tatyana Golikova

Golikova was in her first marriage for five years.
But since she and her husband, according to Tatyana Alekseevna, had different views and concepts about life, they decided to get a divorce. Her second husband is Viktor Khristenko. This is also his second marriage. He lived with his first wife for twenty years, they have three children. Khristenko and Golikova registered their marriage and got married in 2003. Tatyana Alekseevna does not have her own children, but she is on good terms with her husband’s children. From time to time they all relax together and just chat. My favorite household activity is cooking. Golikova loves to cook on weekends, when she has time, and does it with pleasure. A hospitable house often has guests.

Almost all her life Tatyana Alekseevna periodically fasted. Recently, her husband has been fasting with her. In addition, Golikova has been eating on a separate feeding system for many years.

When asked what the recipe for her beauty is, Golikova replied that the whole secret is that she loves and is loved.

Tatyana Golikova with her second husband Viktor Khristenko

By general agreement, the spouses try not to talk about work and business at home. In the free time they have, they prefer to relax at home, meet with family and friends and go for walks. As Golikova says, she really misses walks, but she has almost no time left for them.

When asked what Tatyana Alekseevna would wish for herself, she replied that she really wanted to be able to spend more time with her family and communicate with friends. She enjoys family trips and travel, the main thing is to be close to loved ones.

In her income statement for 2020, Golikova indicated an income of 14.5 million rubles. The woman owns a plot of land (7.5 thousand sq. m.), an apartment (142 sq. m.) and a parking space. Her husband has more substantial income: 46.8 million rubles, a plot of land (20 thousand sq. m.), two houses, an apartment. Also included in the list of the official’s property is a gas pipeline with a cross-sectional area of 8.3 km.

Husband, Wife and Children: Theology and Family Integrity

Priest Ilya Pismenyuk reflects on stereotypical ideas in family life and its realities. Why is there such a gap between them? According to the priest, the key to the strength and viability of a family is not playing pre-established roles, but a reasonable and equal distribution of the rights, responsibilities and powers of husband and wife.

The family topic has been and continues to be one of the most pressing and discussed in the modern world. The problems of this topic are incredibly broad, but it is safe to say that the relationship between family and Christian values is still a significant component of it.

One could even say that the Christian faith today is facing an unprecedented challenge to its traditional family concepts from various sections of secular society and even from a number of denominations that position themselves as part of the Christian world.

In turn, the reaction to this challenge is intended, as it seems to me, to become the beginning of a new immersion in the family theme on the part of Orthodox Christians in Russia and to form the basis of that area of theology, which I would designate as “ theology of the family .”

First of all, I would like to talk about the integrity of the family and what is meant by this. You can often come across a certain and established idea of the distribution of family roles between husband, wife and, sometimes, their parents.

Moreover, this distribution occurs in a fairly similar way both in the space of a church-going family and in a non-church family. What does it boil down to? Very conventionally, it can be designated as “ patriarchy ” or the dominant role of the husband.

Most often, such relationships develop in families where the husband is the main breadwinner of the family, and the wife temporarily or permanently takes care of the household and children. The male position in this case boils down to the fact that the man’s task is to earn money, and the woman’s task is to deal with household issues and raising a child.

The problem is that in such relationships the woman actually works 24/7, and the man only works a certain number of hours a day and those rare days when he is still forced, for example, to take a walk with the children or do something around the house. .

The situation is even more difficult for a woman when one or more children are in infancy. More than once I have come across such a convinced male opinion that after work you can relax for several hours, or even the whole evening, lie down, watch TV, etc.

In richer families, some husbands practice a kind of “payoff”: they hire a nanny, give expensive gifts, or give time and money to a beauty salon. Such a “payoff,” in fact, has little effect on the atmosphere in the family, because a certain emotional gap and lack of cooperation in the family receives a kind of legitimacy and is established as the norm .

Some men avoid even the most important household and children's topics: “Why are you bothering me with your womanly questions? Whatever color you want, buy wallpaper like that!”

Often men are not interested in what sections or schools the child will go to, how things are going in educational and developmental institutions, what medications children can take when they are sick. These and many questions are left to the spouse, who bears an even greater emotional burden and responsibility for the state of the family.

If the wife at some stage gets tired of such family relationships and tries to change them, then, depending on religiosity or lack thereof in the family, she may hear such rather manipulative arguments : “I earn my bread,” “I support you and your children”, “A man’s task is to earn money, not to take care of children”, “haven’t you heard the words of the Lord that a husband should earn by the sweat of his brow, and a wife is saved by childbearing”, “the husband is the head of the family, no need argue with me or demand that I participate in women’s affairs,” etc.

The above arguments do not stand up to criticism - after all, the distribution of family roles proposed in this case is very uneven .

Yes, while the children are small, it is the mother who is most often forced to leave her regular job and take care of the household. But this does not make a woman a freeloader and a kept woman .

Rather, on the contrary, the child’s mother takes on the role of a worker for a long period of time without rest or weekends . After all, farming and children is work, and work that requires enormous responsibility, as well as emotional, physical and spiritual strength. It is incredibly difficult for one person to carry this burden around the clock.

It seems that it’s so difficult to take a walk with a child? But from the moment he begins to walk, it is necessary to constantly maintain attention : hold him there, catch him there, don’t let him go there, secure him in another place, etc. And you also need to dress, undress, wash...

And all this is very often accompanied by children's whims, bad mood, and traditional children's dislike of manipulating clothes. If the child does not yet walk, then he spends a significant amount of time in his arms, which naturally absorbs physical strength.

Some families practice teaching a child not to be picked up, but from the point of view of many child psychologists, this can be harmful, because It is vital for a child to feel the hands of his parents, their love and sense of security.

You can imagine the night time when it would seem very important to get enough sleep and gain strength.

However, a small child, especially when breastfeeding, often demands to eat, which forces the woman to constantly be in a state of lack of sleep. When your tummy hurts or your teeth are cutting, you have to get up at night and pump your baby up.

If a man avoids this under the pretext of going to work in the morning, then what should a mother do in this case, who in the morning will need to feed, dress, go out for a walk, carry in her arms, feed again, etc.

Now imagine what it’s like for a woman to hear in response to a request for help that she is already being held here. It seems to me that many mothers would gladly go to work and transfer the children to their fathers or someone else, but the natural feeling of motherhood speaks of the need to be close to these small, but very demanding creatures.

Although there are increasingly situations where children, sometimes without obvious financial need, try to send their children to kindergartens or to be looked after by nannies as early as possible, and mothers return to their jobs.

According to my observations, sometimes this happens precisely for the reason that a woman is simply tired of housework and children or wants to feel her financial independence in the case when husbands do not understand that the money they earn is no less work and merit of their wives . doing housework.

All of the above was written not in order to criticize the impersonal mass of men who hold similar views, but then to think about such a topic that is not often discussed in Christian circles as the spiritual and emotional state of a woman and mother.

A child is a very joyful event in the family, but at the same time an incredibly absorbing creature of time, energy and emotions. It is the woman who bears the bulk of this burden around the clock, which has a comprehensive impact on her condition. Very often you can hear from mothers of preschool children about breakdowns and psychoses.

They cry, blame themselves, consider themselves bad mothers and still can’t do anything with themselves . You need to understand that this happens to them not because they are really different or bad mothers, but because a person’s emotional and physical resource is depleted and results in such breakdowns.

This can be corrected, first of all, with the help and cooperation of your husband. Even nannies and grandmothers are a little different, because it is between the spouses that an emotional and spiritual connection is formed, which is designed to only strengthen over the years.

If someone else is constantly in the place of the husband, then you should not be surprised that between the spouses there will be an imperceptible distance from each other, a loss of trust and intimacy .

A woman will feel unprotected precisely because next to her in difficulties will not be her beloved husband, but one of her relatives or, in principle, a distant person. Overcoming life's trials together, and the birth of a child is undoubtedly a test, is a natural Christian call to spouses , which forms a brick in the foundation of human relationships formed after marriage.

Sometimes I heard quite self-confident positions from men: “What’s wrong with babysitting? So I somehow stayed with him for a couple of days. It's OK". Without discussing the sincerity of such statements, one can note that a couple of days or even a week is indeed a completely tolerable period.

Often children behave completely differently when they find themselves for some time not with their mother, but, for example, with their father or grandmother. But emotional fatigue accumulates over longer distances

From my point of view, as the father of two small children, the most difficult time is not the whole day at work, but when the day is filled, so to speak, with complete immersion in the family . I understand this not during the day itself, but before bed.

No matter how difficult the work day may be, when the children are put to bed, I almost always have energy for the remaining tasks: preparing for classes at the seminary, writing an article, a dissertation, or simply discussing the latest news over a cup of tea.

If the day was a “family day”, then at the end of it I am almost always able to do only one thing - sleep. From this, at the dawn of my fatherhood, I came to understand one simple truth - it is incredibly difficult for the mother of a child and my wife , since she does not have the opportunity to be distracted by something else, another activity or work.

For any mother, great and almost unattainable relaxation is the most seemingly ordinary things: take a quiet shower, drink tea, spend a little time on social networks, eat quietly, sleep without getting up every hour. And this is precisely where family cooperation .

A man returning from work should not think about his right to rest and free time, but about the fact that his beloved wife practically does not have this time. And if he now goes about his business, then she will not have such an opportunity in the coming years.

If he really values his wife and loves her, then it should be natural for him to want to help his beloved, to worry about how she copes and feels.

Even more paradoxical is a man’s complaint against a woman because she doesn’t do something around the house or, for example, doesn’t look so beautiful. Do not underestimate these problems, because it is from them that sometimes a family breakup begins.

For a woman who can barely cope with household chores anyway, and who doesn’t even receive much help from her husband, a claim against her work is a serious provocation.

It is also necessary to take into account the specifics of each individual person: one woman may have time to cook, clean and wash with three children, while another, for purely emotional and mental reasons, may find it difficult to do all this with just one child - and it will not be her fault.

It's the same with a woman's appearance . It’s very easy to demand grooming and beauty, but if the mother barely has time to cope with household chores and the child, and the husband practically does not take part in this, then what kind of beauty can we talk about?

The consequences of these claims are very serious: the woman gradually develops complexes, the man may gradually lose interest in his wife, which could potentially lead to other temptations and break up the family.

Finally, the most important theme is the relationship between father and child . No matter how hard it is for a man coming home from work, his attention and love for children is a spiritual need on both sides.

Children instinctively move towards their dads, because... their participation in children’s lives is noticeably less frequent, and for a child, I repeat, this is a natural need. But for the father himself, even if he does not understand it yet, the child is part of spiritual development, without which family and personal life will become incomplete.

Looking from within Orthodox society, one cannot ignore, as it seems to me, a distorted idea of “patriarchy” and the role of men in the family in general, which we sometimes encounter. Some Orthodox families begin to copy ideas about the family, which are presented as a unified and only true model.

Moreover, these ideas are quite archaic and based on the conventional “Domostroy”. Here you need to understand that the problem is not in this or that family type, which cannot be initially bad or good. The same opposition between an archaic family and modern realities is practically impossible from a comparative evaluative point of view.

The Christian message is universal in its essence, but external circumstances and conditions of life undergo changes, which naturally affect the Christian life. The good news is called upon to be miraculously embodied in the modern family through cooperation, mutual assistance, and victory over selfishness in favor of the family.

It has its own asceticism (humility, forgiveness, overcoming grievances, etc.) and its own pedagogy (spiritual education of children). All this constitutes for me an entire area of family theology, which is now more important than ever to pay close attention to. Moreover, the interest in it fully corresponds to the view of theology as an inseparable combination of theory and practice, thought and embodiment.

What is, in my opinion, wrong? When they try to artificially transfer the medieval type of relationships and family roles to modern conditions . As has already been said, these relationships and roles in themselves are not bad, but to what extent do the external circumstances of life correspond to them now?

The answer doesn't seem obvious to me. Take the same role of a man and a husband. Some Orthodox believers reduce it to work and conditional headship as the right to demand the fulfillment of one’s opinion without the wife’s right to object or refuse.

References to Holy Scripture in this case are usually traditional and relate to the submission of the wife and the headship of the husband over the wife, which are spoken of in the Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Ephesians (Eph. 5:22-33).

It is not uncommon for men in Orthodox families to repeat the type of behavior outlined above and, if they encounter resistance, to use the words of Scripture to justify their lifestyle.

However, in my opinion, the theology of the family is somewhat deeper than words taken out of the historical and textual context. Take the same dominance and obedience. Scripture says that “the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body.”

That is, the role of the husband is not simple leadership, but in becoming like Christ and the Savior. I have more than once had to ask some men how often did they see Christ demanding obedience to Him in relation to the apostles on the pages of Holy Scripture?

Or Christ, on the contrary, did not want blind obedience, but awareness of the salvation of the path he proposed on the part of his disciples. Therefore, Christ over and over again explained, repeated, and explained to the apostle the essence of the words he spoke. But even when faced with misunderstanding, being abandoned and abandoned, He did not resort to violence against the will, but took the Cross and went to death for the sake of His disciples.

How often can husbands, when demanding obedience from their wives, say with confidence that the path they propose is salutary? If there is no such confidence, then wouldn’t it be better to discuss and come to a common decision?

Which husband, speaking about his headship, acts like Christ and does not flaunt his headship, but sacrifices himself for the sake of his wife when faced with misunderstanding?

The theology of the family, like any other theology, must move away from the area of dry quotation and, especially, manipulation of quotes and find forms of practical implementation that will correspond to the general social realities and specific living conditions of each individual family.

Christianity calls the family a small Church, but the Church presupposes the unity and integrity of the organism. If any part of this organism begins to suffer, be it a wife who is without support, a child who does not receive enough love and attention from his parents, or a husband who finds himself on the periphery of his wife’s life, the whole organism will suffer and get sick.

The Christian faith and the Church are called upon to be a hospital for human souls, including the family as its concrete embodiment. Therefore, the problems that modern families face are problems that we, Christians, cannot eliminate, since they also appear in our lives.

The search for answers and solutions must go beyond the boundaries of archaic living conditions, which do not always correspond to the real situations and circumstances of our time.

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