The answer to the question of what can be considered treason seems obvious and simple. Despite this, the boundaries and perception of betrayal are different for everyone. Out of ten people interviewed, all ten can give completely different and unpredictable answers. This may be due to the characteristics of culture, upbringing, personal morality and awareness of permissibility. For some, simple communication on social networks can become a reason for a scandal, others can forgive sexual intimacy with another person.
Strong emotions3
Another way to destroy relationships within a couple is a strong emotional attachment to another person. Emotional cheating involves romantic attachment to a third party. No one claims that partners should look at each other with loving eyes every moment of their life together and limit all their communication only to each other. There is nothing wrong with communicating with other people as long as communication on the side does not have to be kept secret, and it does not turn from innocent friendly meetings into secret love.
Can THIS be considered cheating and is it worth forgiving?
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Probably everyone has a friend who, if something happens, you can come and spend the night with. Most often, this “if something happens” is a consequence of some kind of family troubles or serious conflicts with his wife. To be honest, I myself have never had to use such “services” from my friends, but it happened to help out my friends when I was young (I allocated, so to speak, a bed in an apartment for several nights). Many years have passed since then, old friends have long been in happy marriages and no longer lead the situation to such scandals with slamming doors and spending the night with friends (and those who have not learned to give in - in divorces).
To be honest, I never expected that I would have the opportunity to once again be at such a “temporary alternate airfield.” But Igor’s call changed everything. The surprise with the request for an overnight stay was, at a minimum, because I never considered Igor a friend in the full sense of the word - we just once worked together, so to speak, we worked together in the same area. He liked my stories from life, and he even often asked for advice. He is younger than me, but despite this, we were great at finding common topics for conversation and not only he, but also I was interested in communicating in between clients ordering our taxis.
It’s been many years since I’ve been in a taxi, but we haven’t completely stopped communicating with Igor. Although it’s hard to even call it communication - we mostly congratulated each other on holidays, but rarely met somewhere in the city... by chance... And then the phone rang.
- Petrovich, hello. - Igorek began, embarrassed, - forgive me right away, but I’m coming to you with an impudent request, if you allow me. “If you start with an apology and a request, it means it’s a serious matter.” – I answered without joking. - Tell me, what do you have there? - Petrovich, will you let me in for the night? Just one. – Igorek continued, a little worried and clearly counting on my positive answer. - Today you can’t get to the dacha, but tomorrow... - Come. We’ll talk at the same time, otherwise we haven’t seen each other for so many years.
Needless to say, I was literally bursting with curiosity. I couldn’t even imagine why Igorek turned to me, and not to his parents who lived in our city, not to his friends... While Igorek was getting to us, Tamarka had already made a bed for him in his son’s former room. And upon the arrival of our guest, she said hello and went to the bedroom to watch her evening shows. As usual, we started the conversation in the kitchen. It was already almost 21.00 when Igorek, still embarrassed and apologizing for the inconvenience, told me his life story.
“I don’t know if you, Petrovich, remember my wife Inga, but since we worked with you, I’ve been living with her. Until recently, I thought that I had, if not an ideal, but a good marriage. We have been together since our student days. At first we met while we were studying, and then after the diploma, then she settled down in life, then I... In order to be able to rent an apartment separately from my parents, then I worked part-time after working, well, you remember... What do I mean - we went through almost everything together fire and water... And my unemployment and a lot of other things, and we have never had a serious disagreement. Now I’m over forty, and I couldn’t even imagine that our test of family values would be under threat.
We have been married for almost 18 years now. What can I say - both children are already in technical schools. It would seem, what could happen and go wrong? But it happened. But first, I’ll tell you everything in order... The last few years, so to speak, have been miserable for our family and for me in particular. We lived an average life, we didn’t live luxuriously, but we didn’t need anything that we needed – we had it. There is somewhere to live, something to wear and wear. At sea, even if not abroad, we still went out. And then a few years ago we had a reunion of graduates, which became a turning point in the life of our family. Inga and I were glad to meet all our former classmates, we talked and had a lot of fun. But most importantly, I met Genka there.
While I was still trying to get settled in life, he became, as they say, a high-flying bird. Big boss. So we went out for a smoke again and became separated. In general, word for word, and I almost complained to him that I couldn’t find a decent job. And he says, “You were so smart at our institute, if you haven’t lost your talents, I’ll take you with me.” Call, he says, we’ll talk... And he handed me his business card. I even felt uncomfortable, as if I had asked for it or had stuffed myself, although it wasn’t even in my thoughts.
The next day, Inge told everything, and she told me straight out: “What do you have to lose? Go ahead and sing! At least you’ll find out what he offers to do and how much you’ll pay.” It was with this mindset that I thought about all this for a day or two, and then I called Genka. I was very worried... We were talking drunk then, so to speak, and what if he forgot or so - he suggested it for the sake of saying... But no. Come, he says, we’ll find you a warm and bready place. And then about a month passed until he quit his last job and began, so to speak, to work for Genka, although it would be more correct to say - for Gennady Alexandrovich.
Office work is not dusty, not the most responsible, but decently paid. No business trips for you, like at your previous place of work, home, like clockwork, without overtime or anything else. But even this is not the most important thing... After so many years without seeing each other, we even became close to Genka himself and his family. They began to visit each other, even celebrated some holidays together. If I had had this job a couple of years earlier, I would have placed my children straight into colleges, not technical schools... But my life, like a fairy tale, could not have happened without trials and nervous moments.
Once, while celebrating some holiday with Genka and other friends at the dacha, my Inga, let’s ask Genka about me at work. And almost persistently. Like, he’s been working there for over a year and a half now... Everything seemed to start out harmlessly, and then he almost asks point blank, without even joking, “Isn’t it time for Igor to get a promotion?” I was already in a fever. We never even discussed this in our family. And my wife didn’t complain about the lack of money, and there was enough for everything... and here... I thought that Genka would let it all go as a joke, how he would take the humor, but he seemed to take it at face value. And he says: “What? You can think and discuss! Maybe it’s time!”
When we returned home, I asked Inga, what kind of fly bit you, why did you leave? And she responded: “You’re at such an age that it’s time to gain a foothold with some kind of leadership. Managers are valued more and respected... And they are also fired less often, especially when a student friend appoints them to the manager... And what do you have to lose? Have we pushed ourselves around enough in our lives? Did you wait long enough for you to achieve everything? I’ve waited, so why wait now?” I thought, but Inga is partly right. But he did not raise this issue with Genka either personally or at work. But less than a month had passed before Genka himself started talking about a promotion. Then he even called me into his office and said: “Remember, Inga worked for you? For a new position? She was always more victorious than you, even in college. What do you think? Ready? There’s just a place, or rather, it’s about to become vacant... I’m transferring your immediate boss, and you’re in his place, so to speak.”
Needless to say, I was stunned. Either out of joy, or still not believing that this happens, I, of course, agreed. And Genka just smiled and said: “Go and take care of business from your boss, still your boss...”. I’m not a careerist, but I was happy with the position, and how... I can’t say that I felt like some kind of big boss, but I clearly decided for myself that life was a success. And I definitely won’t have to count pennies in my old age, and I’ll be able to give more to my children...
But, probably, all fairy tales end sooner or later, and not always well. With my promotion and Inga being replaced, I just didn’t notice it right away... In total, a little less than three weeks have passed since I’ve been in the position, I haven’t even received my first boss’s salary yet, and we’ve already started to feel some kind of chill. My wife began asking interesting questions, and all sorts of suspicions arose. Everyone was interested in whether there were any young ladies in our department, whether they were married... At first I brushed it off, then I tried to talk seriously, but to no avail. Inga only said: “Everything is fine, as before, it seems to you...”.
Today I was getting ready to go home from work, I was already in the parking lot, bam, but the car wouldn’t start. I treated her this way and that - who knows what happened to her. It’s evening, either look for the number of the tow truck, or something... And then Genka walks past to his car... Word for word, and he says: “Tomorrow you’ll decide, but for now, sit down, I’ll give you a ride home...”. So we went... At first we exchanged a few words about work, he asked how I would feel in the new place, I told him... And just like that, we were already driving into the courtyard of my house, I finally decided to make a little humor.
– At this rate, Genka, in a year or two I’ll reach your position! - You won’t grow up! – Genka answered with a grin. -What is this? Don't you believe in my strength? – I continued jokingly. “No, it’s just that your Inga won’t pay it back later,” Genka answered with the same grin, but quite seriously, “and most likely she won’t agree.” - What are you talking about? – I asked without humor. “Yes, about realities...” Genka tried to move away from the topic. - We’ve arrived, stay until tomorrow.
I said goodbye to Genka and headed home, while I was all in my thoughts. What does Inga have to do with it? What won't you agree to? What won't he pay for? Actually, I came home with these questions. They say that ignorance is bliss, I probably agree with this, although... Our conversation lasted no more than half an hour... Well, how was the conversation? Inga's answer to my question. At first, guiltily, and then more confidently, she told a story that began on the very day when she and Genka started talking about my promotion in front of everyone.
It turns out that a little later than this conversation, Genka came up to her and said, “Are you serious about the promotion?” You can arrange everything, but it will cost something. He said that he was used to achieving everything in life that he wanted and eating what he did not achieve. Inga and I have been together since first year, so to speak, I didn’t even know that Genka was hitting on her too. But Inga was like a flint - no, no! In general, many years had passed, but he still remembered that he didn’t get what he wanted... So to speak, he didn’t achieve it... So he offered her a “night of passion” for my position.
“Igorek, you understand, I’ve been thinking, weighing, calculating for almost a month...” Inga said, a little guiltily and even a little apologetically. – After technical school, it’s time for children to think about college... And then, we have two boys, they’ll want to get married here and there... They might not buy apartments right away, but it would be nice to at least somehow provide... What chances did you have of getting a place to earn money in another year? five ago? And here is such a chance! I then called Genka and asked: “Will once be enough? Do you mean one night?” And he replied, “Even one hour is enough, for me it’s just for show that I got you too, as what I wanted...”.
In general, Petrovich, I listened to all this, and my anger gave way to horror, and then turned into anger. Never in my life would I have believed that my Inga... I slammed the door and left the apartment, so to speak, to cool down. I took a walk around the area, thought... Oh, what could I think of... At first I decided that tomorrow I would quit... not just from my position, but for good... And then I thought - it means that Inga “tried” in vain, sacrificed herself, so to speak... That’s why I think, work is work, but how will I live with my wife? If you cheated once, then continue... And then I think, is this even cheating... In general, all sorts of thoughts came into my head... and they still do...
I walked for a couple of hours, and then I realized that it was almost nightfall... I definitely don’t want to go home today... and I need to cool down and think about everything... I don’t have time to get to the dacha - the car won’t start, and the buses don’t run anymore... If I show up to my parents, There will be a lot of questions, but I’m not ready to answer... And if I go to my friends, suddenly Inga will look for me, she’ll definitely find me... And with you, Petrovich, no one will definitely look for me. Don’t think about it, I don’t expect any advice, I don’t ask for pity... It’s my own fault that, like Genka, I couldn’t achieve everything in time, so that later I wouldn’t get places like that through acquaintances and promotions through bed...”
Then Igorek left the next day right from early morning. And somehow his story of betrayal sank into my soul. I wanted to retell it to you right away, but I was sure that you, like me, would be interested in how this story ended. Having taken Igor’s word that he would definitely tell me what decision he made and how the situation resolved, I waited for news. Exactly a week has passed and today Igorek calls me again.
“Hello, Petrovich,” he began in an even voice and without emotion, “I don’t know for how long, but I resolved my idiotic situation for myself.” - And what did you decide? – I asked, not without curiosity. – Don’t ask for details, I’m not ready to relive everything again while telling you... In general, Inga and I decided to try to forget about everything, as if nothing had happened... So, have you lived so many years in vain? - What about work? – I asked the question again. - What about work? Genka took me to work, albeit through connections, but for my merits... He officially promoted me, albeit not without the help of Inga... When pride is on one side of the scale, and the future of the children is on the other... In general, outwardly and in fact, everything still remains the same , as it was, and then... we'll see...
***
I thought for a long time about how to comment on this story as neutrally as possible, but I couldn’t figure it out... Whatever one may say, any personal opinion of mine will either condemn one of the characters, or... But I also found a joyful moment for myself here... You know Which? I'm glad I didn't have to find myself in such a situation in my life! To be honest, no matter how much I thought, I still can’t imagine what I would do... Although, as they say, in order to understand and realize, you need to really feel and find yourself in this or that situation...
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Financial betrayal5
It’s hard to believe that a money issue can be compared to sex and that such an absurd reason can be considered cheating. However, this type of infidelity has destroyed as many couples as promiscuous sex. Any secrets and omissions entail quarrels and eventual separation. Innuendos affect both partners and give rise to hidden aggression. Monetary betrayal can be expressed both in spending money on another person without prior approval, and in spending the family budget without the consent of all parties.
Watching porn alone6
It is impossible to compete with porn actors. Any comparison causes a drop in self-esteem. The situation becomes even more complicated when the partner hides his addiction to porn films from his significant other. The moment porn replaces a couple’s intimate life, it becomes not just cheating, but a serious psychological problem. While watching porn together can enrich your sex life and give you new sensations.
What is considered treason?
When it comes to infidelity, everyone puts their own meaning into this concept: physical intimacy, emotional attachment, communicating with exes on social networks, visiting a strip club... Psychologists have analyzed common options for infidelity.
Infidelity towards a partner is a very vague concept. Is flirting a malicious attempt to hurt someone you love? What about watching an “adult movie” alone? Or is it pointless to be offended by this? Is dinner with a friend of the opposite sex too much?
Of course, for the most part it depends on what kind of relationship you have and how your partner perceives controversial issues. To avoid getting into a situation where you have to sort things out over an innocent, albeit slightly playful, correspondence, it would be best to discuss this with your partner in advance. Which actions of yours would he consider a threat to the relationship and his trust, and which would he not pay attention to? What would you consider a reason for jealousy? Frank conversation will help prevent quarrels.
What causes misunderstandings between partners most often? The seven most common situations in which couples can face jealousy.
1. Questionnaire on a dating site. The indignation in this case is understandable: why do you need a questionnaire if you are already in a relationship? The answer lies on the surface: to meet someone else. But there are other explanations.
“It’s quite possible that this is an old profile that he hasn’t used for a long time,” explains David Bennett, a relationship expert. “But it still pops up on the site.” Some dating apps involve not only romantic relationships, but also friendships and professional ones. So don’t immediately accuse your partner of infidelity. If this bothers you, explain to him why it bothers you and ask him to delete the profile.”
2. Friendship with your ex on social networks. “Partners very often quarrel because one of them has former flames as “friends,” says psychotherapist Tony Coleman. — At the same time, the “guilty” partner in most cases did not even think about cheating. Of course, if they communicate a lot, this could be a red flag, but in this case, as always, it is better to openly discuss your experiences rather than start a scandal. Because it may well turn out that he simply does not keep track of who is “friended” and who is not, or does not attach as much importance to this as you do.”
3. Watching porn without a partner. “This may not be good for your relationship, but it cannot be called cheating - unless such “entertainment” replaces the intimate life of the couple. If a partner prefers porn movies to sex, there's a bigger problem, says Bennett. “The situation becomes even worse if he hides this habit and is willing to jeopardize your relationship for it.” Offer to watch it together, if you both like it, your sex life will benefit from it.
4. Emotional connection with another person. “It may well be considered cheating if it replaces that kind of commitment to a regular partner,” explains Bennett. - It is important whether it has a romantic connotation. Otherwise we could be jealous of all the friends we love and value.”
Such a connection with only one person is not the “healthiest” option. But it is necessary to clearly define for yourself the difference between friendly affection and romantic infatuation.
5. Dinner with an attractive person. “There’s nothing wrong with the dinner itself, even if people like each other,” Coleman says. “But this creates a potentially dangerous situation.” And if you dine secretly from your partner, this may indicate a subconscious readiness to cheat.”
If mutual attraction and sexual tension are strong enough, then the situation becomes truly dangerous. “In this case, a couple of cocktails and an ‘innocent’ suggestion to go for a walk can make all the difference,” Bennett adds. “If there is a spark between people, such a dinner can very quickly develop into betrayal.”
6. “Playful” correspondence. “If you consider this to be cheating, then you are probably sure that such flirting has only one goal - to create a romantic and sexual atmosphere,” explains Bennett. “But the truth is that some people are just used to communicating in this manner. Notice if your partner talks like this to everyone? Or is his “playfulness” intended only for “selected” interlocutors of the opposite sex?
If you are concerned about this issue, discuss your concerns with your partner. Perhaps, in order to avoid ambiguous situations, he should explain to those with whom he is so playfully texting that his manner of communication does not imply any romantic feelings.
7. Visit a strip club. “If going to the striptease replaces sex life, it could be considered cheating,” Bennett says. - On the other hand, for many people it does not carry any sexual “load” - just a way to have fun. And this is another type of leisure that you can try to master together; if everything goes well, it will make your relationship even stronger. If the very idea of visiting a strip club disgusts you, talk to your partner about your feelings - if you are dear to him, he will most likely treat your words with understanding and meet you halfway.”
PREPARED BY: Polina Franke
PHOTO SOURCE: Getty Images
Behavior on social networks8
This version of treason appeared not so long ago and has become widespread recently. Due to the abundance of social networks and anonymity, behavior on social networks has become reminiscent of flirting in a bar or even explicit sexual innuendo without the fear of getting caught. Cheating via the Internet can take different forms and depends on the boundaries of what is permitted in each individual couple. For some, posting erotic photos on Instagram is something reprehensible, because hundreds of prying eyes will be looking at your partner. Some people condemn flirting and communication “on the edge” with strangers. Some people are touched by any communication between a partner and the opposite sex. In any case, secrets and secrets always undermine trust.
