Divorce is an unpleasant and difficult matter, it leaves behind a residue even if you yourself were the initiator. But the worst thing is when there is no way to simply turn the page and try to forget that there was a person in life who is now called an ex-husband. It doesn’t work out not because you don’t want it, but because you are simply not allowed to do it.
Unfortunately, in most cases, your ex just wants to prove to himself that he still has you on his hook. The simplest and most obvious way, of course, is through sex. More rude and straightforward examples, after some communication and exchange of memories, can directly offer the “innocent”: “Let me take a bottle of wine and come to visit you. Let’s sit and talk.” Moreover, even if you allow him, he will come and this very sex will take place - it is not at all a fact that the relationship has resumed. This is so, in memory of the past, not strangers.
More subtle and sophisticated individuals chase not so much physical intimacy as the feeling: “I’m holding her emotionally.” This approach is especially effective if the couple broke up somehow abruptly, with a feeling of psychological understatement.
Even if your ex invites you to go to the cinema or a cafe, to the skating rink, ride a horse and much more, this still means absolutely nothing. Perhaps he is simply pleased to communicate with you and revel in the feeling that you are again devoting time to him, because he is so wonderful.
Is it considered that the ex might want to restart the relationship? Yes. But then he will announce it quite quickly. Because he already knows what it’s like to deal with you. He knows not only your body, but also your character: how you behave in relationships, your strengths and weaknesses, tastes, principles and much more, and is ready and willing to face them again.
If your ex calls you, remember why you broke up. Understand how important that reason is to you now. Try to understand what he wants from you: a favor, to stroke your pride, friendly sex, or, after all, to be together again. And, most importantly: if you do meet (think carefully about whether you need it), pay attention to whether the reason for your breakup in the past has disappeared. If not, feel free to leave, because you won’t step into the same river twice, but you may well step on the same rake. And if so, you have a rare chance. After all, history knows examples of couples who, after breaking up, get back together: renewed and happy.
If your ex-husband calls and talks about his personal life
Among ex-husbands, there is a category of people who like to share their adventures with the wife they abandoned. Someone brags, someone complains - but the effect, in general, is the same. The woman suffers, she is in pain and unpleasant.
Don't want this to happen? Don't listen. Say that you don't like listening to this. If the man continues, just hang up and turn off the phone. If, after you hang up the phone for the third time, it does not dawn on your ex-husband that he is acting inappropriately, change your phone number.
Nowadays it’s not a problem to even change your home number, not to mention your mobile number. True, the effect will be enhanced if you can listen to him indifferently, and even give a couple of wise pieces of advice. But, as practice shows, only ladies with high self-esteem and those who have already begun to form new relationships are capable of such an act.
When he calls only when he is in a very cheerful state, after drinking several glasses of alcohol, he appears for the night, and then disappears again, without explaining anything, unfortunately, for him the ex-girlfriend is just a convenient option. He's not going back. Everything suits him. He spends his free time with friends, relaxing and minding his own business, but when he wants to feel care and affection, he remembers his ex. He hasn’t changed, hasn’t admitted his mistakes, and isn’t going to change anything in his life. There is no need to talk about any feelings here. It will not be possible to return him, and to restore good relations either. If you don’t want to feel like an “alternate” airfield, try to explain to him as quickly as possible that you have a new life and there is no place for him in it. Have pity on yourself, let him go and allow yourself to enjoy life, and not depend on the whim of a man who simply uses you for his own personal interests.
Top tips on how to understand your ex-husband
- If your husband left the family because of another woman, but does not refuse to communicate with you, this does not mean at all that he still loves you. Take a closer look at him and his behavior. In the case when he promises to come help and does not come, without even bothering to call and warn that he will not come, his feelings have cooled down, and only out of the kindness of his heart he agrees to help you. Don't waste the best years of your life on him, hoping that he still loves you and will come back soon. Forget about him and move on with your own personal life. But if his new passion does not want your communication or she has some problems, and he prefers to help you, then everything is not so smooth in his new family. If you have managed to forgive him and want to return him at any cost, surround him with care, become an understanding, affectionate woman with whom he has so many connections. And very soon he will return home. They don't give up on good things...
- Your ex-husband constantly calls and asks how you are living, if you need his help, he definitely dreams of returning home. So it depends only on your desire when this happens. But don't agree to take him back too quickly. Let him realize that you respect yourself and are giving him one last chance, so he should appreciate it. Otherwise, he will perceive your surrender as his personal victory and decide that you are crazy about him and will forgive everything he does. You must respect yourself, otherwise in a few years everything may happen again.
- When conversations with your ex-husband on the phone drag on, and the calls themselves are heard more and more often, and he repeats how pleased he was to hear from you, he dreams of being nearby and renewing the relationship.
- Trying to do things together that unite you does not indicate his desire to return. He may still have feelings for you, but not strong enough to renew the relationship. In this way, he controls you, creating the illusion that he has everything under control and not wanting to give up the feeling of stability that you gave him.
- When any conversations between you, one way or another, come down to discussing why you broke up, he has not yet realized why this happened and wants to understand how to get everything back on track. A man's pride does not allow him to admit his own mistakes. Only you can understand this situation. If you need him, make it clear that you don't mind trying to start over and subtly hint where he was wrong. If you want to get rid of him forever, stop communicating altogether.
- Do not rush to draw conclusions until you are sure that your ex-husband has truly realized his mistake and is ready to correct himself. Don't try to find out the truth by trying to get answers from him. Observe him, test him, and only then make a decision: whether you get along with him again or is it better to limit your communication forever.
Psychology of an ex-man
If the initiator of the divorce is a woman, then most likely he will remind himself for a long time. A jilted man will often beg for forgiveness, ask for another chance, make promises, and even blackmail or threaten. This is their psychology; for men, the right to put an end to the end of a relationship is a very important point.
For men, the concept of “abandoned” is unacceptable, since it infringes on masculinity and self-esteem. An abandoned man will live for a long time with the thought: “How is it possible, I was abandoned. No, I will achieve my goal, I will prove that it was not she who left me, at any cost.” If you are concerned about the question “how to understand an ex-man,” pay attention to his behavior in different situations.
Do not forget about the sincere affection of a man for a woman. In this case, it is important to show respect to your partner and be honest. Explain to him your motives and prospects for resolving the conflict. But do not forget about your intentions, if you are determined to break up with a man, do not encourage him to resume the relationship.
Also, you don’t need to offer your partner the option “let’s remain friends,” this will prevent you from starting life from scratch and will always make you feel guilty.
What to do when your ex calls?
So, having figured out the reasons for the ex-boyfriend’s call, you can now answer the question - what to do. Your actions depend entirely on what you want from this man. Again, for simplicity, let's look at the options.
Do you want to renew your relationship?
Does anything need to be explained at this point? Just don't hang up and continue communicating with your ex on a positive note. Agree to a meeting - he will offer it, if not immediately, then within a few days for sure! Meet him, and then nature will tell you.
You want to renew your relationship, but your conscience won't let you
For example, you cannot forgive that all this time he was with someone else. Or he seriously offended you during the breakup. But let's be honest, if you put these conventions aside, you would love to date him again. Therefore, do everything the same as in the first point - communicate, but don’t rush to the meeting. After the guy finally shows his interest in you, agree to “just take a walk.” And then look at the situation. Stretch the moment of rapprochement over several meetings, 3, 5, 7. And then just respond to his feelings.
You don't want to reconnect
You don't owe anyone anything. In general, no one owes anyone anything. Don’t be afraid to offend a person - tell him directly that “Sorry, guy! You are a good person, but our paths have diverged. There is a person I love, I will be grateful if you don’t call me anymore!” Of course, say all this calmly and without rudeness, do not get emotional. If you feel like you might lose your temper, it’s better to hang up, citing business, and talk later.
Should I communicate with my ex-spouse? Tips from netizens
Uma
So what, now work as a helpline for him until he feels better? People have separated, if there are no children and there is no mutual consent to communicate, then cut off all ties and hell. Why waste your nerves and precious time on an unpleasant person? The conversation is over IMHA.
Yana
Yes, the husband is an owner and an egoist, and even with psychological problems, since he believes that his wife is still his, despite her other husband... away from him - don’t react and spit, he will understand that you are not communicating and he will get tired of it, just don’t really communicate and don’t be frank and don’t be fooled by his speeches, you don’t want to chat with him, let him contact the psychologists service...
IRA
He probably realized what he had lost some time ago. And there he felt bad. As a rule, men think in the place between their legs, but this is not always correct.
Zu
I noticed that all these exes, under the guise of friendship, want
- sleep without obligations
- make sure that everything is not very good for you (that’s why you left me so good)
- still somehow influence (manipulate).
Sincerely, there may be something, but, probably, when a common child is involved, and if it’s just an ex-boyfriend, it’s unlikely.
Irina
In my opinion, communicating with ex-spouses is some kind of masochism. Are you glad to see who he traded you for? Or is it nice to know that your ex-husband is doing well without you? After such meetings, you will worry and feel inferior. After all, no one wants to see that he is not needed. And if your ex’s life didn’t work out, then meeting him is also unlikely to lead to anything good. Of course, it's nice to know that you are much more successful than your spouse. But listening to whining about various reasons is not the greatest pleasure. So, in my opinion, if you’ve already separated, then forget your first husband like a bad dream. Why reopen old wounds? Let him live as best he can, and you will live your life. For the first time after the divorce, my ex-husband tried to be “friends” with me. All his communication boiled down to the fact that he was trying to borrow money from me for another drinking session. It got to the point that our child began to be afraid of dad coming. I barely got him away from the house. Now I have a new man. He loves my daughter and me, gives us gifts, brings money into the house, and doesn’t drink. The daughter has already stopped remembering her dad. So why should I communicate with him?
Got drunk and called my ex! Has this ever happened to you?
My dears, I am Olga Eremenko, I am glad to welcome you to my channel, dedicated to such an important topic as bulimia. I, like many of you, have suffered from this eating disorder in the past, but I was able to overcome it. You probably already know my story and the entire path I have traveled, which I dedicated to the whole book “Confession of a former bulimic”.
In this article, I want to share with you very personal moments of my life that have not been covered anywhere before. When I came out of food addiction, I experienced strong fluctuations in emotions: on some days I was incredibly happy that there was no vomiting, or I fell to the bottom when a series of breakdowns returned.
I was constantly trying to figure out the cause-and-effect relationship, wondering why this was happening, where I was doing wrong. At moments of such tossing, I often cried alone or drank large quantities of alcohol, and if I had a phone in my hands at that time, I would definitely call my ex-boyfriends.
After such calls, I often woke up in the morning not in my bed and did not always understand why this happened. I scolded myself, but realized that I was driven by a strong internal emotional need to share with someone the pain that was knocking me out of the rut of life like a fountain, so I wanted to have a drink and not think about anything, cry on a man’s shoulder, feel not alone .
After several similar stories, I began to write myself notes prohibiting touching the phone, so as not to return to communicating with people who had passed away. Today, I wanted to share this with you, because recently, I have witnessed similar situations that happened to some girls.
It happens! We are not angels! And you know... while we are young and have no family or children, this is still acceptable. At least due to the lack of rationality, as well as internal pain. After all, we all want to be protected and to be loved (sometimes literally).
There is no need to scold yourself and blame yourself. You just need to draw conclusions and learn from your mistakes. Negative experience is also experience.
I still remember how after the last suicide I realized that I would fight and do everything differently. Overcoming herself, she began her way out of bulimia. And such periods also came my way, and alcohol, and calls to exes, but everything comes into our lives for a reason, every experience is valuable.
The last straw was meeting my husband... I felt that a happy family in union with this man was possible, but bulimia was a “third wheel” that could destroy everything. I began to look even deeper into myself, analyze my feelings, thoughts and events. I understood that I wanted to live differently.
I tried to change my own reality - I started running in the morning, reading more books, came to meditation, learned to listen to myself, exercise my will and, gradually, moments without bulimia appeared.
I proved to myself that everything is temporary, that only good things begin in my life, that there are no breakdowns and a reliable person is nearby, I supported myself and proved that I could cope with problems. No one recorded motivational audios for me, like I do for the girls from the transformation course . I was alone, but I made me believe in myself. And today, having come all this way, I understand how to properly support girls.
My dears, everyone experiences similar feelings, but each of you is capable of being healthy and coping with food addiction. If you cannot do this on your own, you can use my help or the support of another specialist.
Don't close your eyes to problems, fight and conquer your fear! If you work with someone and don't get results, look for another person who will make you think. Someone who will evoke in your mind a very personal experience and understanding of something, who will change the angle of view on your reality, this will be the beginning of a happy life!
All the best!
Eremenko Olga.
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