How not to raise a boy to be a mama's boy?

How to understand that your man is a “mama's boy”

A man who is able to build strong relationships and subsequently start a family is distinguished by maturity of judgment and strength of character. Men who are “mama’s boys” do not possess such character traits. If you suspect your chosen one of “immaturity,” then it is recommended that you first take a closer look at him.

With proper observation, you will be able to notice a number of characteristic features of “mama’s boys”:

• Distance from any difficulties. “Mama’s boys” do not strive to provide “male” help when necessary. For example: your faucet is leaking at home, and you turned to him for help, but in response he tries to make an excuse by being busy or, as a last resort, recommends contacting a specialist. An immature or childish man will always distance himself from any everyday difficulties.
• If your relationship has already entered the stage of living together, and you began to notice that in case of disagreements he complains to his mother or other relatives, then such behavior should alert you. No, we are not talking about the fact that he should not seek advice from family and friends, but everything should be in moderation. If a man seeks advice whenever he needs to make a decision, then this is one of the “symptoms of a mama’s son.”
• In conversations with you, a man constantly uses his mother as an example. A terrible habit that openly says that “you can’t cook porridge” with this representative of the stronger sex. Mom is the standard woman for many men, no doubt. Often they also look for a wife in her image and likeness. But when, in a conversation with you, he constantly compares you or mentions her ways of resolving this or that situation, then think hard about the advisability of building a relationship with such an “instance.”

The attachment to their son in mothers deprived of male attention is often hypertrophied; it is so strong and long-lasting that it cannot even be compared with love feelings for a man. A great spiritual closeness is established between such a mother and her child. A mother is only comfortable with her son. It is important for a child to feel his mother nearby; a child, especially a small one, urgently needs a sense of security. It is very important for a single mother to feel needed, and she builds a strong and warm relationship with her son, fortunately, the child’s childhood is favorable for this. In this scenario, the man remains a "mama's boy" for life.

A happily married woman, building equally warm and harmonious relationships with her children, knows how to distance herself from older children over time, as it should be. In a harmonious family, all roles are distributed: this is the husband, who also requires attention and care, and these are the children who need care even more, but, having matured, will begin to build their own families. A woman suffering from a lack of male attention does not know how to let go of her children, especially her son, in time. She entangles him with her love once and for all, shackling him in the freedom of life decisions and the right to free choice. The son is called upon to fill the emptiness in her soul; a strong attachment to her son provides the mother with the opportunity to feel like a woman. For her, this is the necessary satisfaction of a very important need, with it she can be valuable, loved and respected.

A woman who is emotionally and sexually satisfied will communicate to her child on a subconscious level that her attachment to him as a mother is natural, full of joy and selfless motherly love, and does not serve as a substitute for something that she desperately needs. From a prosperous mother, the son acquires a calm, relaxed, non-committal awareness of his place in the world. An unsatisfied woman seeks to tie her son to herself with powerful chains. She is unable to cut the umbilical cord connecting them. She really needs her son to satisfy her needs and to feel like a woman. A lonely or unhappily married woman subconsciously thinks like this: I don’t have a man, so I can’t lose my son. Her son is all she has, so she overprotects and idealizes him. Her behavior is largely motivated by the fear of losing her son, especially to another woman. She will in every possible way, at the conscious and subconscious levels, emphasize her good attitude towards her son and the purity of her love for him, and compare it with the supposedly inherent deceit and greed of other women who dare to encroach on him. She, one way or another, tells him every day that there can be nothing better for him than his mother’s love. This is why mama's boys never make good husbands.

The mother knows that someday her son will grow up and leave for another woman. As he grows up, he begins to hate all of his sexuality, all those beginnings of masculinity that will ultimately tear the boy away from her. It is these feelings that dictate her desire to constantly criticize those girls he likes; she may not even call her son to the phone when the girls call. And after his wedding, she is usually extremely critical of his wife.

In turn, the son compares his mother with his wife all his life, and usually this comparison turns out not to be in favor of the latter. His wife, compared to his mother, turns out to be a much worse housewife and worse mother. When a woman gets married, she always expects that she will be taken care of; her husband appears to her as loving, strong, and responsive. However, having married a mama's boy, his wife soon discovers that her husband expects care from her, and as a child. The wife must do for him everything that his mother used to do and he urgently demands this. And from the side of the mother, who, as a rule, very actively interferes in her son’s family affairs, a silent question constantly comes: “Who do you love more, her or me?”

It is not for nothing that the Bible says: “And he said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:5, 6). This, of course, is not about literally leaving father and mother, not communicating and not helping them. However, for a full-fledged adult, it is very important to cut the emotional cord in time and move through life on his own, without deciding every day who he really is: his mother’s son or his wife’s husband. A reasonable mother understands that when a son gets married, his first responsibility is to take care of his wife. Another thing is that some mothers absolutely do not want to admit it, and their sons, in turn, do not want to change the rules of the game.

Men who are “mama’s boys” really love the feeling of that childish joyful excitement that their mother created and continues to create around them. He is loved, no matter what he does, he is praised for his minimal merits. Unconditional love, which is necessary for a child, continues to be taken for granted by him, despite its inappropriateness in adult life. A wife cannot give him as much unconditional love as a mother can give. Marriage is a partnership: if his wife does something for him, he must return the favor. And this is a responsibility, an obligation. This is from the repertoire of adult life, for which he is not ready. Very often, mama's boys do not get married, or get married late. No less often, “mama’s boys” become dependent, sick alcoholics or drug addicts.

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Why does a man become a "mama's boy"?

The answer to the logical question “Why is he like this?” extremely simple - that’s how he was raised. So what exactly were the reasons that led to this “result”? It is worth noting a number of points that have such a detrimental effect on the formation of character:

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  Excessive care on the part of parents. Basically, this situation occurs in families where it has not been possible to have a child for a long time. The long-awaited baby finds himself in an environment where he is literally “wrapped in cotton wool” and protected from any trouble. Most often, it is mothers who subject the child to excessive care and unnecessarily pamper. They believe that the more they love the child, the better. Of course, the child should feel care and love in the family, but everything should be within reason. Excessive guardianship forms an overly strong connection with your parents, which is very difficult to break, especially if the parents live nearby and your chosen one does not limit his communication with them.

• Low self-esteem and rejection by peers also pushes the child to seek the care and support of parents and mother, in particular. If a child cannot find his place in the hierarchy of friends, he begins to doubt himself and feels the need for consolation. In this case, he goes to the closest people. Well, most mothers, of course, feel sorry for the “child” and often excessive pity provokes the development of infantile qualities. Why overcome your own difficulties if you can complain to your mother and she will help? So, in this context, parental support does more harm than good.

You can, if you wish, add a number of the above reasons, but this will happen through personal observation and communication with a man.

What to do if a man is a “mama’s boy”

If your feelings are so strong that you are ready to fight for your happiness and re-educate your “mama’s boy,” then pay attention to the recommendations of psychologists. In fairness, it is worth noting that these tips are not a guarantee that your venture will be successful, but their usefulness should not be denied.

Experts recommend adhering to the following actions:

• Find the “root of the problem.” The main reasons that led to such an “unflattering” result have already been given above. Take them into account and try to find out more about his childhood: in what conditions he grew up, did he have friends, who did he turn to for help when necessary. Self-esteem problems are the easiest to spot. Try to give him more attention, surround him with affection and care, stimulate him to take various actions, ask him to help you with advice. Perhaps in this way he will feel more confident and gradually begin to change for the better.
• Try to maintain the warmest relationships with your man’s relatives and do not challenge their authority. If you see that the authority of your parents is unshakable for a man, you should not go into confrontation with them, despite your dissatisfaction with their methods of education. If you begin to reject the recommendations of a potential mother-in-law too clearly, then your relationship will end in failure. But at the same time, try to gradually increase the distance between your chosen one and his relatives, involve him in your own concerns, and organize joint leisure time. Let him get used to the fact that strangers, even your mother, are assigned a clear role in your personal relationships, with certain boundaries.
• Find the most suitable option for communicating with a man. Even at the very beginning of a relationship, with due observation, you will be able to notice which format of communication with a man will be most successful. The desire to be on an equal footing with a partner may not always bring the expected results. If your man is not particularly proactive on his own, then you can behave more harshly. This does not mean that your position should be replete with orders and demands, but sometimes they are necessary. A separate problem is a man’s spoiled behavior and obvious selfishness; here you need to look at the situation purely individually, since no one will offer you universal advice for dealing with selfish people. Although, you can try to act like a woman who wants to be weak and taken care of. Perhaps this form of communication will allow him to feel in control and encourage him to be more caring. But it’s unlikely. More likely, you will fall under total control on his part and your destiny will ultimately be the kitchen and children.

Despite all the shortcomings, it is worth noting the most obvious plus - the ability and desire to express your love. “Mama’s boys” do not consider excessive romanticism an indicator of their own weakness and are ready to bathe their chosen one in an ocean of romantic feelings. Well, the fact that he is a “mama’s boy”, you can come to terms with that if you want.

We asked a psychologist where “mama’s boys” come from

Why are such men attractive at the beginning of a relationship, and why is it so difficult to “tear” them away from their mother’s skirt? Psychologist Natalya Belaya helped the correspondent of the Minsk-Novosti agency understand the situation.

- Who are “mama's boys”?

— If you listen to women who were in relationships with men who later received the nickname “mama’s boy,” they believe that they never became men, but were stuck in the position of sons. And it is true. Stuck. But I still think it’s better to put it this way: they are more sons than men are to women.

— Is it difficult to recognize such a man?

“I’m sure no woman would consciously want to start a relationship with such a man.” But nevertheless, they are often the ones who are very attractive at the beginning of a relationship. Well, what’s wrong with the fact that he respects his mother, is attentive and caring towards her? After all, many women believe: “how he treats his mother is very indicative.” These can be very emotional men who know how to listen and support, and predict your desire. Nuances and difficulties will appear later.

— What does a woman have to face in a relationship with such a partner?

- Firstly, with the fact that she is in a triangle: she, he and his mother. And where there is a triangle, there is always competition. Competing with your man’s mother is quite a task! And not all men enjoy this competition, since they find themselves between two fires, they feel constantly in a situation of choice, which is exhausting, and also causes anger and a desire to pull away. Sometimes ladies start to fight, sometimes they manipulate, sometimes they give up and leave.

Accustomed to constant guidance of their lives from their parents, “mama’s boys” do not know how to bear responsibility and be psychologically adults. They are often susceptible to addictions of various kinds: alcoholism, drug addiction... For them, this is a way to get out of a state of tension by changing consciousness. They often date married or much older women, which can guarantee the opportunity not to start a family and not take responsibility for it. Go to them for intimate relationships, and receive love and warmth from your mother.

Often such a man has guilt for all his mother’s efforts. For example, for her refusal of her personal life. Or he constantly hears how difficult it was for her with him. And many “mama’s boys” are convinced that they OWE their mother. And here is a vicious circle: how to repay the debt to the mother for giving birth and giving life? The question seems to be rhetorical, but nevertheless, many constantly live with a sense of duty and cannot separate from their mother and normally build their lives based on their own needs.

— What kind of mothers do such men have, what is their negative influence on their son?

— I will describe several of the most common options.

1. If mom was authoritarian and made all decisions on her own. How could this influence? The boy had no experience that his opinion was important, he could not test any of his abilities, he had no experience of living the consequences of his decisions, he did not develop a sense of responsibility for himself and his life, since the one who is responsible for him already exists, and this is his mother.
2. If a mother raised her son alone. And she lived from the position of “everything for the child.” Then the son becomes the center of the universe and replaces the mother with both the child and the man in his person. How can his mother then let him go freely if she is dissolved in him? Such mothers do not hear their child, get sick when he has his own interests, manipulate and rarely realize that this model of relationship is codependency, when all feelings and thoughts are connected with the actions of another person. And when the son moves away, the mother may feel horror, because she has lost herself long ago, and will hold on to him with all her might. Sometimes he will let his son marry so as not to anger him and not lose him, and then he will influence his family.
3. If your mother had difficulties in her relationship with her husband. For example, emotional coldness or he worked a lot and was rarely at home. A woman can compensate for her need for warmth and intimacy in motherhood and shift her feelings. Relationships with a child can be easier to control than with a man, and the woman gets so carried away that she ends up living according to the principle “the main man in my life is my son.” By the way, I always react with caution when I see captions for photos on social networks “My best man”, and in the photo there is a mother and son. There are already calls here.
4. It may also be that the woman herself married a man who was overly attached to her mother, and always remained a second woman for her husband. Then, unknowingly, she may behave this way with her son.
5. If a woman wanted to have an abortion and then changed her mind. And then a boy is born, and she dotes on him, but feels guilty for those thoughts about abortion. This causes her to be overprotective. Such mothers are very anxious, they try to control everything, and as a result the child does not develop the skills that he needs for later life.
6. If the mother spoke badly about the father and other men, and idolized her son. A strong internal conflict arises in the child. Sometimes such actions of a woman can be called “psychological castration.” Imagine how difficult it is for a boy to recognize himself as a man.
7. If a mother loves her son unconditionally, and no matter what he does, everything is fine. Then he does not develop a critical attitude towards himself and his actions. Such acceptance can make it difficult to subsequently build a relationship with a simple earthly woman, who will definitely have complaints.

- What to do if you recognize your husband in the image of a “mama’s boy”?

“This is a situation where a visit to a family psychologist can help in order to understand and acknowledge the problem. When what is happening in the family and with each of its members begins to be realized, this is the key to the ability to change everything. As soon as a man suddenly understands that his relationship with his mother is not unconditional love, and separation has not yet happened, and how this affects his life, then he can begin to change something, react differently, take care of his mother differently, and not maintain a sick relationship model, deal with your feelings of guilt and debt. So, perhaps, it will be possible to help mom too - to switch her attention to what she wants in life for herself.