Habit or love - where is the line between them?
Just a few years after the first meeting, loving people ask themselves the question “how to distinguish love from habit.” Some people are interested in this out of uncertainty, others out of suspicion, and others just because. Most family psychologists are inclined to believe that a habit is a simplified version of dependence, and where there is a habit, love is, in fact, already or not yet. But there is also an opinion that love without habit is impossible, since the second is, as it were, a complement and a guarantee of stability of the first. It is not for nothing that the ancient Greeks believed that habit is the second nature of love between a man and a woman, between close relatives and old friends. Indeed, love also in many ways resembles a habit: the same family evenings that are similar to each other, joint walks, chores, travel. But love gets pleasure from repeating the same action, and habit simply feels discomfort if this repetition, which is not particularly emotionally filled, does not exist. In addition, there is also a certain contingent of people who simply do not want greater feelings than what they experience. They are happy with what they have, regardless of whether it is pleasant or not. A kind of emotional conservatism. For people of this type, habit is the key to their stability and calm. In the article, we will nevertheless separate love from habit and try to analyze whether there is a difference between them, and how to determine the line when love turns into a habit or vice versa. Traits of love and habits Habit differs from love primarily in that it relates more to everyday life and spending time together. People who are together only because they are used to each other sometimes feel burdened by the company of an “usual person.” They have nothing really to talk about or the conversations are often of the same nature. They are together physically, but there is no spiritual unity as such. Although there are options when both are relatively comfortable, there is simply no particular joy from the presence of a companion. People who live together out of habit, in fact, do not notice the existence of a loved one nearby. You can safely draw an analogy with some part of the body, for example, a leg. A person, having two legs, does not notice how good it is. Having lost one limb, he will grieve not so much for the leg itself, but for the lack of those opportunities that he, a biped, used to have, for the lack of familiar comfort. So is habit. People live together because in many ways it is convenient for them, it is beneficial even somewhere. Will they be uncomfortable apart? Of course, the same as for loving people. But the reason for the discomfort is not in the person, but in the benefit he brings. As a matter of habit, it is important that a meeting after a breakup puts everything back in its original place. Based on this, habit can be contrasted not with love, but with passion. Both habit and passion want to take more than they give. Only passion demands, and habit simply waits for what should be as usual. And she gives not from excess or an uncontrollable desire to reward (as passion does), but from the need to maintain a custom. Loving people, having separated, miss the one they love. It is not so important to them whether everything will be the same after the meeting; the main thing for them is that their loved one is there again, albeit in new circumstances and with new qualities or conditions. Love implies not so much physical coexistence as mental coexistence. Those who love and appreciate a person, they are sincerely interested in his life and opinion. They want to give, and this desire is much greater than the desire to receive. Lovers pack their bags with joy and pleasure, for example, to go on vacation together. And people who live together out of habit simply rejoice at the opportunity to relax, and a soul mate is attached as if by default. To clearly support what was written above, let’s give a simple example. Two couples came to the cinema. A loving couple will choose a film, discussing the desires and expectations of both at the moment. They will talk about who feels what, discuss who wants what, and only then choose a tape. Companions who live together simply out of habit will discuss films and choose the genre they watch most often. What does it mean? Those who love are interested in each other, even in the cinema, and those who are accustomed are interested in themselves and what surrounds them, what they are already accustomed to. Emotions and feelings do not have much meaning for them. And yet together. Why don’t people who are connected only by habit break up? The fact is that following a habit is vital for them. For them, habit is higher than risk or leaving the so-called “comfort zone”. It is easier for people who live together out of habit to hide their desires than to decide to change. It’s rare, but it also happens that a habit soon turns into love. Interest, sincere passion appears slowly, spouses little by little discover in each other those qualities that were previously commonplace for them, but have now become valuable. This usually happens after some forced changes in the life of the family. Let us note that habit is not love, but it is not evil either. After all, people who live together out of habit feel quite peaceful and calm with each other, and their marriage is prosperous. These are mostly strong families. But in a union out of habit, hypocrisy often occurs, since spouses sometimes need to play along where there is no feeling. This spoils the moral side of the relationship a little. As you can see, it is possible to understand what is between a man and a woman, love or habit. A little logic, knowledge of the psychology of love and sincerity. Comprehensive information about love from the point of view of a specialist can be read in the book of one of the most authoritative psychologists of the twentieth century, Erich Fromm, “The Art of Loving.” The logical chain is provided in the article. And sincerity is a matter for the spouses themselves. But don’t be upset if all the signs of a habit are present. Who knows, perhaps love is still ahead, because some people first need to get used to a person, and only then they are able to fall in love.
