Top Reasons Why Couples Divorce After Decades of Marriage
Psychologists say that nothing happens in family life suddenly. Every problem has a cause and a consequence. It all starts small - resentment, intolerance, misunderstanding grow over the years like a snowball. What could be the trigger:
- Unresolved core issues
. Relationships can be thought of as a plate that keeps falling. It will not be able to break immediately, but microcracks will appear inside the structure, which are difficult to notice at first. One day, when the accumulated damage reaches a critical level, the structure will collapse. It’s the same in life – relationships may seem unshakable from the outside, but inside they are approaching the point of no return. - Hormonal changes.
With the passing years of life, changes occur in the body of every adult. They can cause significant shifts in sex drive. The undercurrent of dissatisfaction in life leads to deterioration of relationships, dulling of feelings and fatigue from each other. - Different life scenarios
. By the age of 25, husband and wife often begin to live with different interests, which leads to distance from each other. He becomes more and more interested in his work, and she becomes more and more interested in his children and grandchildren. Or a woman becomes ambitious and wants to achieve success in her life, but he wants to relax, travel and watch football. - Lack of communication and loss of trust
. Such problems often become the reason for divorce after 25 years of marriage. Some people can't handle the fact that their spouse just becomes a roommate who has little in common with you. - Infidelity
. When intimacy is not fun or absent between husband and wife, one spouse may be looking for an opportunity to rediscover the pleasure of intimate relationships. Infidelity can be a reason for divorce in a long-term marriage, but in reality, infidelity is just a symptom of another pre-existing problem in the marriage. - Desire for independence
. Women who are dependent on their spouse strive for independence as they age. The more financially stable a woman is, the more destabilizing she is in a failing marriage. For a spouse who continues to develop and change, watching their partner stagnate is painful. Being financially independent also means being more confident that you can start a happy life with a clean slate after marriage. - Religious Beliefs
. In Russia, there is a widespread opinion that divorce after 25 years of marriage, if a married union, is unacceptable. But times have changed and the fear of being unhappy overcomes the fear of divorce if you got married. Many people believe that a marriage can be debunked. In fact, there is no such thing in the church. The only thing that can be done is to get the priest’s blessing to declare the marriage relationship invalid. To receive this blessing, serious reasons must be given. According to church laws, a married marriage will be dissolved only after an official divorce and the provision of a document or certificate about the real reason for the divorce - imprisonment, drug addiction, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. The Church allows you to get married 3 times in your entire life, so if a woman or man decides to create new relationship and get married, then the wedding is possible again. - Long-term abusive behavior
. There are 7 ways a person can be abused: mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, verbally and spiritually. Just because a person doesn't have bruises doesn't mean they haven't suffered from very abusive behavior for a long time. While it is ideal to not endure humiliation for an extended period, the reality is that many people take years to finally leave their abusive spouse for good and start a new, peaceful life. - Addiction
.
There are many types of addictive substances, such as alcohol and drugs. Also, the passion for gambling at some point fills the cup of patience to the top and one of the spouses may suddenly discover that he no
longer wants to watch the self-destruction of his partner and how both lives are destroyed because of this. - The desire to take risks, love again and experience life in new colors
. All ages are submissive to love, and often, out of the shadow of dissatisfaction with family life, a person appears (often younger than the current partner), ready to show the world in different colors. Then the understanding comes that maybe it’s worth taking a risk and being loved and happy.
Parents' divorce after 25 years of marriage.
Girls, help me figure it out. I am married, have no children yet, my husband is in the military and I often live with my parents. My parents have always lived well, that is, compared with many familiar families, mine go out shopping together, laugh, communicate, and cook together. The problem is that my father is a drunken alcoholic and cannot stop himself. He drinks rarely, he can drink once a year, drink for a maximum of 5 days, and since he quietly went to bed peacefully. if you didn’t touch it, then there was no problem, it could be tolerated. But after my wedding, and my father’s change of job, he began to drink quite often, lasting for a maximum of three months. So after my birthday he drank, drank for a week, then his mother stopped him, he went to work and drank again. My mother’s blood pressure rose, the ambulance and fear for my mother’s life, and my father behaved inappropriately, apparently the week’s drinking took its toll, he could no longer sleep and he walked around arguing with himself, and the next morning, he began to swear at us and swing his arms, just because it seemed to him that we all love only mother, and no one needs him. I would like to add that we simply remained silent to his insults. It came to the point of calling the police because we locked ourselves in the room and he was throwing all the objects in the kitchen. I collected my mother and brother's things and sent them to my grandmother. By the end of the week, my father called crying and said that he was dying. My mother and I had to return and his condition was simply terrible, we brought him to his senses. A couple of days later, my mother talked to him about the divorce and asked why he hated her so much, he was silent, he said I’ll go to treatment and I don’t want a divorce. And I’m terribly scared for my mother’s life, especially since my brother is leaving for another city and she is left alone with him. I have been in a state of fear for two weeks, he is young, only 53 years old. The father didn't even apologize. It hurts terribly, I remember all these insults to my mother, and with what hatred he spoke. He is very greedy here, but he is my own father. I know without his mother he will simply drink himself to death. During their divorce, of course, I will help him, call doctors, but my income is not big, and how long will MY marriage last at this rate. It’s getting scary thinking about dividing the apartment; we just finished the renovation and arranged everything for our parents to live. In my entire life, dad raised his hand to mom probably twice. He was drunk and his mother was pestering him. Before my brother graduates from school, his mother will not be able to divorce him, since this will affect his brother’s psyche and he will not be able to pass the exams normally. Tell me girls, is divorce a solution here?
Advice on divorce after a long marriage
There is a lot to think about when it comes to breaking up with your partner after 45-60 years of marriage. Divorce is quite common after 25 years of marriage.
What you need to be prepared for:
- To some economic difficulties
. Divorcing at an older age can put a person at an economic disadvantage. Having more than one source of income and the ability to share expenses makes financial problems easier for married couples to resolve. Economic hardships are most burdensome for women who have always been financially dependent on their husbands. - To the condemnation of others
. Any divorce is discussed by one circle of people or another. And the dissolution of a marriage after twenty-five years of relationship is an event that evil tongues will savor. - To the division of property
. Over many years of marriage, spouses accumulate a sufficient amount of movable and immovable property. When separating, property, including debts, is divided in half. Divorce after 25 years of marriage can be burdened by issues of property division if the spouses cannot agree. - To determine the future of minor children
.
The math is simple, even after 25 years of marriage,
a family can raise one or more children under 18 years of age. If issues regarding their content are discussed and resolved amicably, then the couple will be divorced in the magistrate’s court. If disputes arise regarding alimony payments or determining the place of residence of minors, a divorce can only be obtained in a district court. - To the spouse's disagreement with divorce
. Until the time comes for a real divorce, a husband or wife can exhaust their partner mentally by persecuting, insulting and accusing them of all serious things. Patience and perseverance will help you get through this difficult path.
Strangers after 10 years of marriage, what lies ahead is emptiness...
Girls, advise me how to live further. We were married for 10 years, before the wedding we knew each other for 3 months, I was 19 then, he was 23. At that time I was suffering from my first unrequited love, he had just returned from the army, wrote me poems, songs, showered me with gifts, I felt so warm, It’s nice, no one has ever loved me so much (even from my parents I haven’t received so much warmth), I wanted to spend all my time with this person... But we had no place to live, I was a full-time student in college, he was a newcomer and rented a small one-room apartment with his mother and sister, and my parents had a free two-room apartment, but they have old-fashioned views, living together only after the wedding, so we got married, started living together... as it turned out, I was completely unprepared for marriage, it was difficult for me to readjust, like right after the wedding, I stopped wanting sex with my husband and even then I realized that I didn’t love him... one day I wrote him a letter, left my wedding ring and went to my parents, that same evening he rushed to me with a bouquet of flowers, called me for a conversation, I melted again, and my parents played their role - since you got married, live with your husband. Then, during the first 2 years, I constantly ran to my parents, he no longer came for me, after staying with them for a week or two, I returned home myself, he was always waiting for me. I graduated from college, went to college, my husband worked, we lived like everyone else (quarreled, made up, got along), but I really wanted children, asked him, he said that I needed to get on my feet, etc. and so on. and I cried, I couldn’t get pregnant for about a year, but still a miracle happened, the pregnancy was difficult, my beloved son was born - fortunately there was no chapel. But we have a new problem - his mother, she raised him alone and to this day cannot let her son go, at that time she bought a dacha and my husband began to disappear there every weekend to help his mother, she is the only one who will help her , and the mother-in-law, unfortunately, knows no boundaries, she knows that her son cannot refuse her and willingly takes advantage of this. Three years later our daughter was born. Now our 7-year-old son is going to first grade in September, and our 3.5-year-old daughter is going to kindergarten. But everything went wrong with my husband, unfortunately, love never came to me and he stopped loving me 5 years ago, we live out of habit and because it’s so convenient. When the love passed, it turned out that we were completely different people, strangers - we never became family over these 10 years. We have different interests, different ideas about life, we irritate each other. We go on vacation with his mother, she just sticks to us, I certainly don’t like it - it’s a scandal. We are really very different, he is fire and I am water. It’s very difficult to live like this, but I don’t know how to live without him... if I don’t start conversations with him, everything seems to be fine with us, and the day before yesterday we talked, we didn’t fight, didn’t make any complaints, he just calmly told me, “That’s enough, friend.” to torment a friend - let’s get a civilized divorce”... then he came to his senses, he has nowhere to go, his mother still lives in a rented apartment with her daughter, but his sister is getting married at the end of September, the place becomes vacant and he told me “let the children go to school and kindergarten, everything will settle down and we’ll try, we’ll live separately, we’ll understand whether we need each other or not.”
The ending, I probably wrote chaotically, sorry, there are a lot of emotions now, I can write another 10 pages, I tried to establish relationships 2 years ago, but it’s very difficult to drag the cart alone, now I’m just tired and when I woke up today I realized that that’s it, I don’t have the strength , there are no feelings - I don’t love him and I’m scared to look into the future...
Choose your words wisely
Telling your partner about divorce can be difficult.
There is no need to make the situation worse by blaming your spouse for shortcomings or using phrases like “You are not able to satisfy me,” “You are not the one I want to continue living with,” etc. after 25 years of marriage. If the decision to separate is made irrevocably, in this case there is no need to give hope in a conversation with your spouse that the marriage can be saved. Otherwise, it can only create problems later in the future. In a frank conversation, it is better to admit that both contributed to the destruction of the marriage and that it is pointless to try to figure out who is more to blame.
My husband met his first love and is getting divorced after 40 years of marriage! How to stop him?
I met my husband Andrey in a common company. He had just graduated from the Polytechnic Institute and began working at the mine as a mining foreman. I was still a student then, studying at a medical institute.
I can’t say that love broke out between us at first sight. We were introduced to each other, a casual conversation ensued, then he offered to take me home.
We saw each other for the second time three months later in the same company, and after that we started dating. A year later, I received my diploma, and Andrei and I got married. They lived for a very long time - almost forty years. Now we are both over sixty, I am two years younger than my husband.
Our married life was difficult, but happy. We had a lot of things to endure - moving to rented apartments, lack of work and lack of money in the hard times of the 1990s, serious illnesses and operations.
But there were many more joyful and happy moments. Our children were born in love. We raised a wonderful son and daughter. They are already quite adults, each with their own family. Nobody left anywhere, we all live in the same city. Andryusha and I adore our four grandchildren.
The most important thing is that we have always been one team, we experienced any joys and sorrows together. But when we had already retired, and life began to slowly move towards old age, trouble crept into our family. As they say, unnoticed, from where no one expected her.
I don’t know exactly where and under what circumstances Andrei met the woman who was his first and strong love. This relationship happened in his student days, even before he met me.
I didn't know anything about this story before. I don’t know why they broke up. But now it seems to me that all this time Andrei continued to love her.
Most likely they met at a funeral. Three months ago, my husband’s best friend died. They had been together since school, studied in the same group at the institute, and had been in close contact all these years. I was unable to attend the funeral because I was in a sanatorium at that moment.
When I returned, I immediately noticed changes in my husband’s behavior. I watched him suffer and rush about. She was silent for a long time, but still a frank conversation was inevitable. Andrei admitted that he wanted to leave for that woman.
We have a huge country house. After all, having survived difficult times, we achieved great success in the professional field. Andrey worked his way up to the position of deputy director of the mine for economic affairs. I was the head of the eye department at a city hospital.
We were able to afford to buy a plot of land and build a good house. Every little detail in it was made by my husband’s hands. And now he wants to give up everything and go to another woman in her small two-room apartment on the outskirts of the city.
They did not hide anything from the children. The father told them about his decision, but both son and daughter were hostile to this information. Now they have declared a boycott on their own dad and are not even talking to him.
I, in turn, feel bad for myself. After all, I think I gave my whole life to this man, and now in my old age he wants to leave me alone. Love that flared up with renewed vigor turned him away from his family. I see how he suffers. And I understand that now he doesn’t need anyone - his wife, children, grandchildren. He dreams of that woman.
I worry not only for myself, but also for Andrey. He's not a stranger. It seems to me that now he is simply confused and may make an unforgivable mistake. Youth is already behind you, your health is failing, and old age is on the horizon. Does that woman really need such an old and not entirely healthy companion?
Are the memories from your student days really worth taking away and erasing a long family life in one fell swoop? I asked my husband: “Have you really not loved me all this time?” He says he loved him. So why destroy everything now? Why ruin your relationship with your own children and grandchildren forever?
If he leaves, I will never forgive the betrayal and will not take him back. He understands this perfectly. It’s not going away yet, but it’s suffering terribly. He said that he would leave empty-handed and was not going to share anything. But how to prevent him from taking such a rash step?
Tue, 30 Jun 2020 22:19:39 +0300
@ Oksana Abramovich
