Love at a distance - reality or myth
Few people believe in the possibility of love existing at a distance. However, guest marriages, when spouses live separate and independent lives, are becoming more common. Partners note that their feelings do not depend on the regularity of meetings. If their spouse is the love of their life, then they are ready to take care of their feelings, even at a distance.
It is not surprising that, according to research conducted by Psychology Today magazine, more than 56% of respondents consider love at a distance impossible, and such relationships are less strong and happy.
However, a group of psychologists from America studied this issue based on in-depth surveys of more than 1,100 people over the age of twenty. The respondents were in relationships, some with distance from their partner. The psychologists’ conclusion was surprising: no fundamental differences in relationships were identified. Experts studied various aspects of relationships: the emotional involvement of partners, their intimacy, the quality of interpersonal communications and the degree of sexual satisfaction. For partners living together, these indicators were no higher than for couples living separately. At the same time, people experiencing love at a distance were even more emotionally satisfied. This is explained by the fact that such relationships are characterized by slight idealization. Everyday routine does not cool love, and rare meetings turn into real holidays.
Is long distance marriage the norm or not?
Tatiana Rzhevutskaya |
10/14/2014 | 504 Tatyana Rzhevutskaya 10/14/2014 504
Distance marriage (or legalized long-distance relationships) is becoming almost commonplace. The spouses live separately and meet a couple of times a month, or even less often. If people are comfortable in such a situation, doesn’t this indicate indifference to each other?
Together - and apart
Let's start with the fact that an irresistible desire to be together, if someone clings to someone else with their hands and feet and cannot live without them, is not necessarily a sign of great love. Here it’s time to talk about psychological dependence, and this is not good. You need to be able to love at a distance, to be self-sufficient. The current times, unfortunately, are not conducive to people sitting still. People are forced to spin - this must be accepted. And look at the situation more broadly, look for the positives. Take the families of sailors in port cities. This form of marriage has existed there for a long time. A sailor has been sailing for at least six months. And many wives come to the conclusion that this is not so bad. You seem to be married, but you have plenty of free time, no worries, you are financially secure, everything is in order with your social status - not a single mother, not an old maid, but a married woman. My husband will swim and come back. The children are examined, fed, and at the same time, as they say today, no one can take a breath. A lot of everyday problems have been solved; there is no need to wash, clean, cook, as in the presence of my husband. He returns, the first weeks are filled with tenderness and passion, people miss each other... But after three months, both are waiting for the next flight, because everyone is accustomed to a certain way of life. But if two people are comfortable, then everything is fine. Conflict occurs when one of the couple is no longer satisfied with this situation. Then the question arises of what exactly doesn’t suit you and what needs to be changed to suit both people.
Long-distance marriage is a common thing for sailors' wives
Forced distance marriage
What if my husband found a job in another city? But the wife doesn’t want to move: the children have school, clubs, friends, she has a job and a life that has been established over the years. Yes, he is the only one there, but... Which of them is right and which is wrong? If we talk about forced distant marriage, we mean the choice that a person makes based on some personal motives. After all, if a husband cares about his wife, her feelings, their life together, he can ultimately find a job closer to home. And if life at a distance suits two people, both are comfortable in the current situation, then there is no need to look for problems out of nowhere. This means that people know how to cope with their own loneliness. If a woman is raising children, then it is inappropriate to talk about total loneliness. A man can also cope quite well on his own. Question: How long will he remain alone? A lonely man is worse off than a lonely woman. And it’s not about borscht and ironed shirts, it’s about warmth, comfort, the desire to talk to someone, to walk side by side...
Is there a future for long distance relationships?
Probably, a distant marriage that is not forced has little chance of a long-term stable existence. It is not clear what he will stand on. If only on a material basis, jointly acquired property or responsibility to children, then it will not last long. Most likely, there will be other partners. Near. Which can give warmth and just physical satisfaction. After all, this is what marriage is for.
RelationshipsMan and womanHe and sheFriends and relativesWomen's psychology
A man's love at a distance
Men experience breakups a little easier than women. They are able to quickly adapt to the situation and experience less attachment. A typical situation is when a spouse goes on a work trip or finds a better-paying job in a large city. At first he calls and is bored, but the temptations of a new life make him look back with contempt on his past life and his beloved. In addition, the lack of sex, warmth and attention pushes men to cheat. In difficult moments, a woman is not around; there is no one to turn to for consolation and sympathy. Keeping a man's love at a distance is very difficult, but quite possible.
If the period of separation is clearly defined, the partners sometimes meet, then maintaining love is easier. The spouses are preparing and waiting for dates, a note of novelty and increased passion appear. During the period of separation, you have time to get bored and accumulate new emotions and impressions. If you use lonely evenings for self-education and your favorite hobbies, then you will have a good mood and new opportunities. Self-development during periods of separation has a positive effect on relationships; you become more interesting to each other.
Living nearby, you may not be entirely objective in assessing your partner. They perceived him as a pragmatist, and he writes you long letters about love in verse. They considered him indecisive, but he rushes to visit you, despite the difficulties. Sometimes breakup destroys love, but sometimes it is breakup that helps you realize the depth of true love.
The main problems of long distance marriages
The main test of this format of marriage is the need to constantly work to maintain a sense of emotional closeness and inclusion in each other’s lives.
Of course, this problem also faces partners living side by side. But, one way or another, living together, a common circle of acquaintances, and the daily opportunity to observe each other’s emotional and personal changes bring a man and a woman together.
Couples living at a distance are deprived of this opportunity, so it is more difficult for them to feel that they are an important part of the life of their loved one. Small and important events that every day brings us, spontaneous moods, thoughts, hopes, plans: sharing this with a dear person, we become closer.
And realizing that answering the routine question “How are you?” We can only use general phrases, because a friend or beloved man has not been aware of what we live for a long time, we inevitably move away.
If this living connection is absent in an alliance that exists at a distance, trust automatically disappears. Without the ability to immediately check where and with whom the spouse is, partners torment each other with causeless jealousy.
Constant suspicions and reproaches, caused by lack of confidence in each other, slowly poison love, and the marriage may be on the verge of collapse.
A common problem for couples who are forced to spend most of their time apart is also the conscious or subconscious blaming the frequently absent partner for the current situation.
In this case, reproaches may arise on the topic “your career is more important to you,” “you are sacrificing your family for the sake of work,” etc. This happens when the desired image of a spouse does not coincide with the real character and priorities of the person with whom we are building a relationship.
When getting married, it is important to see and accept your partner as he is, and not be guided only by your own desires, as he should ideally be.
Many women, agreeing to marry a man whose career is at the top of his list of priorities and is associated with travel or other inconveniences, sometimes internally hope that the situation will change over time.
This approach, instead of recognizing and accepting a partner before marriage, will inevitably bring disappointment.
How to live with your loved one at a distance
To maintain warm feelings at a distance, you need to follow some simple tips:
- Communicate with each other as often as possible. Use all possible means of communication: telephone, Internet, mail. In conversations, you need to share not only your experiences, but also new impressions, acquaintances, and achievements. This will create a feeling of the close presence of your partner. And if he has new hobbies, then try to share them.
- Maintain trust and intimacy. Instead of looking for evidence of cheating, tell your partner how you feel. Unreasonable jealousy can cause a breakup. Also, do not give yourself any reason to doubt your loyalty.
- Warm up your partner's sexual interest. Being far away, there is a high probability of love turning into exclusively friendly feelings. Use methods that are accessible and acceptable to both: phone sex, communication via Skype in negligee. It is important not to overdo it, otherwise it will be difficult to wait for the meeting.
- Make plans together. To preserve the union, it is necessary to have common plans for the future, creating a family, raising children. Let separation be seen as a way to realize your plans. Whenever possible, visit your partner, be happy if he managed to come to you.
Over time, you will get used to long-distance relationships and begin to look at the situation from the positive side. If your love is mutual, then no kilometers will destroy it.
Long distance relationships: how to survive
But if, with a strong desire to preserve the relationship, it is impossible to remain idle, then what should be done? First of all, you should agree with your loved one about how often you should call each other by phone or write via the Internet. And at the same time, you should try to make the frequency of calls and messages as high as possible.
If partners actually feel for each other not just some kind of temporary love, but real, sublime love, then they will always be able to support each other and solve any problem that arises.
To maintain a relationship, you need to try to tell your loved one as often as possible about recent events.
You need to talk about your love more often, not to spare pleasant and affectionate words that warm your soul.
And if some misunderstanding occurs, if some kind of resentment appears, then you need to let your significant other know about it, who, in turn, should support with words.
Relationships should be fueled by pleasant gifts. Being a few kilometers from your loved one and missing every second, it is always nice to receive from him, for example, a bouquet of flowers or a romantic letter. And this applies not only to men. For some reason, in our society it just so happens that men usually give gifts to women, and not vice versa.
However, representatives of the stronger sex love to receive signs of attention no less than women.
Therefore, a small gift for a man in the form of, for example, an interesting fountain pen or a music disc with songs from his favorite band will definitely help maintain a long-distance relationship.
In addition to communication and exchange of information, there should be something else in a long-distance relationship: more surprises that lift your spirits and strengthen the belief that strong love will definitely remain, despite any separating kilometers and long hours of waiting.
Being at a distance from each other, a man and a woman must be prepared for difficulties.
If some kind of mistrust is already beginning to appear, then you should not deliberately provoke your soulmate, making her jealous. There is no need to test the strength of a relationship in such a simple way.
It is necessary to eliminate all possible external irritants. And above all, this applies to a woman who previously had boyfriends. Under no circumstances should you contact these former boyfriends, otherwise your beloved man will inevitably become jealous.
Also, you don’t need to communicate with your friends too often, especially if they constantly invite you to some parties and want to introduce you to someone. The outcome will most likely be the same as in the case of former boyfriends.
While keeping love at a distance, you need to try to avoid hysterics and scandals.
When a loved one shares his experiences over the phone or by letter, it is important to share his emotions.
Spell to make a man love you at a distance
One of the surest ways to secure the love of your man is a love spell with knots of magical power. The procedure will require high concentration of mental strength and concentration on the main goal. On the day appointed for the love spell, you cannot eat or drink; you are only allowed to drink water. Mentally, you need to constantly be with your man and not be distracted by other worries.
Prepare 3 candles, a thread length from the end of the middle finger to the elbow. The ritual is performed at night with the curtains drawn tightly.
- Candles are lit and placed in a triangle on the floor.
- The lady sits in the center of a conventional triangle, facing any candle.
- Then a knot is loosely tied on the thread. Looking at the fire it says: “I will tie the knot tightly, I will tie (the man’s name) to myself. He will be attached to me, he must only be with me! Until the knot is untied, his passion will not subside!” After the slander, the knot is tightened.
- For each of the candles, the hex is repeated, getting 3 knots.
- At the end of the ceremony, the candles are blown out. A woman should go to bed and place a thread with knots under her pillow.
You will soon see a change in your man’s attitude, but you need to take care of the thread and check the strength of the knots.
