How to raise a child alone? Psychologist's advice

Raising a child is a very difficult and responsible process in which both parents must participate. But what if, by the will of fate, you are left alone with a child in your arms? Of course, at first, a single mother feels confused, afraid that she will not be able to raise a child alone, that she will not have enough strength, time, money... However, it is possible to raise a child alone very well, although it is not easy. First you need to calm down, pull yourself together and think through all the main points that relate to raising a child in your situation.

How to raise a child alone: household tips

The mother of a child, especially if she is raising him alone, often does not have enough time and energy to do all the necessary things. Let's give some tips on how to cope with household chores.

If you are a young and inexperienced mother, then you have a lot to learn about caring for a child. While he is not yet born, start studying information about how to properly feed your baby, bathe him, walk with him, how and when to visit a pediatrician, etc. At first after birth, your mother or another experienced close relative will help. You can also arrange with a visiting nurse who will teach you many important things. You should immediately think about a kindergarten - there are few places, you can wait in line from birth. Know that you, as a single mother, have benefits; we’ll tell you about them below.
When a small child appears, many new things arise that the mother needs to successfully combine with her worries. How to raise a child alone and still manage everything? It is useful to keep a diary in which the mother will write down what needs to be done for the child and when, and also note her personal affairs in it. How to do it? Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down all the important things to do for yourself and your child for the next week: going to the pediatrician, buying baby clothes, filling out the necessary documents, etc. Now distribute these important things by day of the week and preferably by hour. When you have a clear schedule of important things to do for the coming week, you can distribute less important things into free periods of time. A schedule will greatly simplify your life and organize it; you will have time to do everything you need to do.
Going out with your child on errands is not always convenient, especially if you have a large stroller. To make it easier, try to reduce the number of trips to the right places. For example, you can make necessary payments via the Internet using your bank card, and also buy groceries in a supermarket via the Internet - you will save time, nerves and effort. Another option: make payments in advance for several months at once, buy food not for the evening, but for several days at once (do not forget to monitor expiration dates). If you need to go on business without your child, try to leave him with a reliable person - negotiate with a relative or good friend who will look after your child. You can hire an hourly nanny. In exceptional cases, a kangaroo backpack will help - it will allow you to take the child with you, and at the same time both hands will be free. But such a backpack is only good for the warm season.
Of course, with the advent of a child, financial costs will also increase. We will tell you below what government payments you are entitled to. You need to learn how to save and save money, as it will be very useful to you. Review your budget, think about where and how you can save money to save and save.

Government payments and benefits

A single mother has the right to government assistance, which manifests itself in various payments and benefits. If we consider the issue from a legal point of view, then first a woman must obtain the official status of a single mother. Only after this can a single mother claim all sorts of payments and benefits. In the list below you will find both payments due to all women who have given birth, as well as payments and benefits specifically for single mothers. As for the amounts of payments, they may vary, so check them with the relevant institutions.

A one-time benefit for the birth of a child - any mother who is a citizen of the Russian Federation has the right to receive it. This benefit is issued once after the birth of the child.
Also, any mother has the right to a monthly allowance during parental leave; it is issued at the place of work. A single mother in this case has the right to an increased monthly benefit, regardless of the amount of her income.
Additional monthly allowance when a child reaches a certain age.
Annual additional financial assistance (calculated based on the mother’s income).
Alimony.
The right to priority housing, placement of a child in a child care institution for state support.
The right to free provision of educational materials and meals for the child in a state educational institution.
The right to free or partially paid trips to sanatoriums or children's camps at least once every 2 years.
Benefits when purchasing certain medications.
The right to some free additional medical services for the child in a child care facility.
Until the child turns 14 years old, a single mother does not have the right to be fired from her job, except in cases of liquidation of the enterprise. In such a situation, dismissal is allowed, but with subsequent official employment. Also, mandatory employment should be in cases where the employment contract has expired. During the period of employment, the average salary must be maintained. It is prohibited to refuse to hire a woman or reduce her salary because of the presence of children.
When caring for a child under 14 years of age, sick leave is paid 100%.
The right to annual leave (14 days) at any time, attached to the main one or separate from it.

Positive Strategies

To reduce stress in your single-parent family, you need to:

Show your love. Don't forget to praise your son or daughter. Give him your love and support. You need to set aside time every day to read, play, or have a little fun with your child.
Stick to a daily routine. Regular meals, walks, bedtime - all this helps your son or daughter get used to a certain routine.

Provide your child with quality care. If you work, find a qualified nanny or childcare provider (depending on age) who can provide care and safety for your son/daughter. These responsibilities should not be assigned to an older child.
Establish rules of behavior. This advice is especially relevant for parents of teenage children. Explain the rules to your child and ensure they are followed. This conversation should be conducted in a friendly and respectful tone; do not give orders. Maintain regular contact with other caregivers in your child's life (daycare, school) to ensure consistency in parenting. Consider re-evaluating some restrictions, such as watching television, when he or she shows the ability to take on more responsibility.
Don't feel guilty. You shouldn’t blame yourself and spoil your baby to compensate for the fact that he’s growing up in a single-parent family.
Take care of yourself. Physical activity should be part of your daily routine, eat healthy and get as much sleep as possible. Make time for your hobbies or meeting with friends. Give yourself a little “time out” by entrusting the care of your child to a visiting teacher for at least a few hours a week.
Maintain contact with other parents. Join a group of single parents on social networks. Don't refuse help from your parents, friends and neighbors.

Stay positive. It's completely okay to be honest with your child. If you have any problems, say so, but remind him or her that things will get better soon. Give your child an age-appropriate level of responsibility, but don't expect him to act like a "little adult."

Research has shown that in single-parent families, adolescents are more likely to be depressed and have lower self-esteem. If you notice signs of depression in your child, talk to your child's doctor.

2.5 tons of garbage from the forest. The guy decided to cleanse nature with his own hands

Workouts, picnics, and more in our dating guide

Top Tourist Attractions in The Hague: 13th Century Knights' Hall

How to raise a child alone: psychological advice

The absence of a father can negatively affect the upbringing of a child, regardless of whether he is a boy or a girl. How to raise a child alone so that he does not feel unhappy because his dad is not around?

Even if a man left you and went to another woman, you should not take out your resentment on your child and tell him nasty things about his father. He is not to blame for what happened in your relationship. Try to create a good opinion of the child about the father, tell him that he is not around, but he loves him - this is very important for the child’s self-esteem at an early age. You shouldn’t go into details of the breakup - you don’t know how the child will perceive it and react. And of course, if the father wants to communicate and meet with the child, do not interfere with this.
It is important to have a man in your life who can positively influence your child. This could be your brother, father, or other close male relative with whom you often see and communicate. Of course, ideally, you need a new “dad” to appear, and the sooner the better, since young children perceive such situations more easily than teenagers.
A child’s psychology is actively formed during the first five years of life, so it is necessary to raise the child as responsibly as possible during this period.

How to raise a boy alone

The father is very important for the boy, as he is an example for him, forms his masculine character and masculine model of behavior. Let's look at how to raise a child alone at different stages of a boy's age.

In the period of 1-4 years, the boy realizes that he belongs to the male sex. At this age, he needs to be played with and entertained. An uncle or a young neighbor is suitable for this role if you are on friendly terms with him and he treats your baby well.
At 5-8 years old, a boy needs a man who will approve and support his masculine style of behavior. He should be praised, for example, for how persistently he tries to learn to ride a bicycle, although he has already fallen off it many times; for running fast; because he doesn’t run to cry to his mother after he got into a fight with the neighbor boys, etc. Mom is usually always very worried and afraid, so she is not suitable for this role. The best candidate is the natural father.
At the age of 9-13, a boy strives to show his individuality and independence; his mother’s excessive care begins to irritate him. It's time to channel his energy into useful activities. Find him a club or section where male society predominates - a computer science club, a wrestling sports section, etc.
At the age of 14 or more, a boy’s hormones are in full swing, he is actively developing, this affects both his appearance and his behavior and can lead to various problems. His own father can figure everything out and help the boy.

How to raise a girl alone

For a girl, a father is the ideal man; the relationship between father and daughter greatly influences how the girl will choose a life partner in the future and build a family. How to raise a child alone?

There is no need to scold the girl’s father, talk about what a “bastard” and “traitor” he is. The girl will develop a bad opinion about her father, which will greatly affect her self-esteem and attitude towards men in the future, sometimes even unconsciously. The girl should also be told that her dad loves her, but simply cannot be there.
Often a mother, who has experienced the betrayal of many men in her life, teaches her little daughter that men cannot be trusted, that they are all insidious, that is, she sets up her attitude towards the man as an enemy. This is completely wrong! A girl raised in this way will grow up squeezed, unable to trust a man, always expecting a trick from him and afraid to build relationships. Girls raised in this way are often left alone, because they cannot understand how to behave correctly with men, or when all their friends are already married and it’s high time, they are ready to marry the first person they meet. Forget your grievances, you understand that there are good and worthy men, and it is to them that your daughter should pay attention. Tell her what a good man should be like, how a girl should behave correctly with boys, which boys she should pay attention to and which ones she should be wary of, etc.
Of course, a girl’s communication with other men is important. They should treat her with tenderness, kindness and care. This could be her grandfather, uncle, your neighbor or a family friend. In general, it’s good if you are friends with a woman who has a full family. You can visit with your daughter, she will communicate with other children and with their father.
You are a woman, and also the closest person to your daughter. She will be like you, so set the best example for her. Take care of your appearance, be kind to others, develop yourself, keep the house in order, etc. Teach all this to a girl from an early age.
Support your girl in everything - let her participate in different competitions, study something (mathematics is especially useful for girls), go to different clubs. When necessary, be strict with her. Encourage feminine behavior in the girl, give her examples of successful women from movies and books.

Typical mistakes of single mothers

And finally, let’s look at the mistakes that single mothers often make when raising children:

The desire to replace the child with both mother and father. You are a woman, and therefore the role of a mother is natural for you, and you should not try to pretend to be a father, it will be false, and therefore will not reflect well on the child. It’s better to really turn to good men for help.
Excessive love and complete indulgence of children's desires. Particularly soft and sensitive mothers, feeling guilty that the family is incomplete, try to compensate for this with strong love and fulfillment of all children's whims. This is bad because the child begins to feel his power over his mother, becomes capricious, weak and demanding, and gets used to the fact that everything always happens the way he wants. The mother ceases to be an authority for him. You need to demonstrate your love for your child, but everything should be within reasonable limits. You need to raise an intelligent and strong person in order to prepare him for a future independent life.
The desire to protect the child from communication with the father and his new family. We have already discussed this - a child’s opinion of his father is very important for the child’s self-esteem, so if they have a good relationship, you should not interfere with this because of your grievances.
Some women, trying to show how much they love their boys and how important they are to them, begin to constantly consult with their sons and obey them. The boy helps his mother choose an outfit, groceries in the store, consoles his mother, and helps around the house. The boy develops early, unusual responsibility for his age. He may have the wrong opinion about women, he will think that they are helpless and cannot do anything themselves, and this, in turn, will affect his reluctance to marry.

We have given you some tips on how to raise a child alone. Of course, he will still be interested in why dad is not around. It is possible that the child will be offended by evil peers or will often ask him where his father is. It is very important for you to explain and prove to your baby that Katya or Sasha have a full family and this is good, but you are no worse. You also have a strong and friendly family, in which they love each other very much, it’s just smaller.

How hard it is to raise children...

Nobody tells us the truth...

On the posters in the Women's Clinic we see only smiling, beautiful mothers holding a contented, plump baby in their arms. The advertisement shows a happy family - a proud father, a calm mother, a charming miracle, greedily swallowing absolutely everything that is given to him. On one's own! From a spoon!

For some reason, in our society it is customary to attribute the properties of Gods to mothers. They don’t get tired, they don’t have the right to make mistakes, they don’t have the right to be tired, they don’t have the right to complain. And try to tell society that you are not like that - they will eat you up. Not with teeth, but with eyes. And they will definitely consider it their duty to snort - “Why the hell did she give birth?”

But what really?

But in reality it’s not like that! Actually EVERYTHING. CRAP. TAKE IT. NOT. SO.

No one tells you that raising children means tearing yourself apart. Literally - tearing your vagina when you give birth, tearing your nipples while breastfeeding, tearing your T-shirts so that it would be convenient to feed with this very breast. Tear in a figurative sense: tear your soul apart and give pieces to your children - when they are sick, when their knees hurt, when they cry on the way to the garden, when they get bad marks, when they fall in love for the first time and quietly swallow tears from unrequited - but so important! - first love. Piece by piece. Every now and again. And no one says that it turns out that a woman’s soul is limitless. It turns out that you can tear it into pieces an infinite number of times - and it will regenerate and regenerate like a liver, damn it.

Nobody tells you that raising children means staying up at night. (no, they’re trying, of course. But it won’t work out like that for us! It definitely won’t happen!). That raising children means forgetting about yourself. Hide your dreams, desires, and desires in a far corner. Further away. For later.

That raising children means constantly being on the limit! Constantly think-think-think. How will be correct? Do I need to swaddle? Should I pet my tummy? And what medicine should I give for the stomach (there are millions of them, damn it! Bring back the dill water! Simple dill water!). How to educate correctly - to give in? outwit? stand one's ground? tell the truth? protect from the truth for the greater good? Every mother thinks SO MUCH that scientists at Harvard, Moscow State University and the creators of the Andron Collider nervously smoke on the sidelines. By God, our neurons are made of iron! They conduct so many impulses per day that you can go crazy! And bonuses should be given not to bearded guys, but to a young mother who has raised her child to at least 5 years old! Nobody tells you HOW MUCH you will have to think and study when you become a mother!

Few people talk about the fact that in the soul - in such a tender, marshmallow soul of a young lady - constant anger is boiling! On the fucking neighbors who need to do repairs at one o'clock in the afternoon on Saturday! I would have killed my husband, who was late at work for as much as 1.5 hours! At the grannies at the entrance with their eternal “Ooty-puti, and who is this ssssssssss in a stroller?” About the fact that oh, how sometimes you want to brake a car passing by with a loud rap, take a young guy out of a tin can and slam his face on the asphalt, on the asphalt! and tell me how you put your child to bed for an hour!…….. Eternal wild anger at the whole world for something that doesn’t understand, doesn’t appreciate, doesn’t help, although let’s be honest - no one owes us anything. Few people will say that every mother wants to have a separate room at home with a bat and a hanging bag, so that she can retire there and wet this bag with this bat at the end of every day!

No one will tell you how to love your child when he screams all night, when he draws on the wallpaper, when he tells you to fuck off at the age of 13, because you don’t like Basta, but like Chopin. How can you even love a person who drives you day after day, time after time, to white heat?! And you have to love! Because if not us, then who?

And no one tells how often tears flow from helplessness. Out of self-pity. Because you don’t know what to do. How you lash out at a child whining for three days, and then cry with him from a devouring sense of guilt...

No one will ever tell you what it’s like to take responsibility for someone else’s life! For what kind of person he will be, what he will love, how he will go through this life, what views he will accept. How scary, incredibly scary! How scary it is to realize that you are a child yourself - and you need to be the arbiter of destinies...

No one will tell you what it’s like to constantly control yourself. Constantly! Chain yourself and control yourself. When he yells and demands “buy-buy-buy!” When he doesn’t want to wear THESE boots, but wants those over there (and it doesn’t matter that it’s raining outside - you can’t suppress independence and just emerging individuality). When they ask you, “Mommy, are you in pain? why are you crying? Did daddy offend you? no, dear, my government offended me by increasing the mortgage interest rate and cutting wages. When the crisis of three years begins and smoothly flows into adolescence...

...What do they teach us at school? Physics, chemistry, drawing... Fuck your physics!

Teach me better how not to lose a good relationship with your husband, when every day you, with a bun on your head and in a shabby robe, dream only of sleep, and he needs attention and affection 3 times a night. How to cook borscht, fry cutlets and wash the floor in 5 minutes. How to maintain the desire to live and smile when you are completely exhausted and it seems like it’s time to hang up the noose. How not to lose faith that the children will grow up and you will become the same again (and you will, you definitely will!). How to get along with your mother-in-law. How... Yes, damn it - a lot of USEFUL things should be taught at school!

But no one tells us. And everyone continues to be silent. A global conspiracy, no less...

And only our mothers sometimes timidly try to tell us how it is. But we don’t listen to them, we brush them off, we keep in our minds the Pampers advertisement with a happy mother. After all, the whole world cannot be wrong! And the mother falls silent, ashamed of herself - after all, it was drummed into their heads that the mother SHOULD be omnipotent, and never - do you hear! never! - don't complain...

And we go into the breach, not knowing the full breadth and versatility of motherhood.

Therefore, I will keep all my entries in all my diaries, all down to the smallest detail. And I will definitely show it to my daughters when they grow up! Everything, everything, everything! And about breakdowns, and about hysterics, and about helplessness, and about anger, and about illness. They should know everything.....

But at the end I will definitely show them the most important notes, where it is written about how immensely, all-consuming and omnipotently I love them!….

And about how sweet the top of a baby’s head smells at 4 am on Sunday...)))))