One Eastern proverb says: there are two empty chairs in heaven, one is for a good daughter-in-law, and the other is for a good mother-in-law. Some African peoples still maintain the custom according to which mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (as well as mother-in-law and son-in-law) meet only on large tribal holidays. The Solomon Islands also have their own traditions associated with these relatives: for example, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, who live in the same house, should not be in the economic part of the home at the same time.
Of course, these facts can be called proof that problems in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law exist everywhere, but this can hardly reassure. Especially when endless quarrels are not a historical fact, but a cruel reality. Today we propose to talk about how to improve relations with your mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist, attempts to find the causes of conflicts - all this awaits you below!
Who is to blame and what to do?
When talking about how to improve relations with your mother-in-law, it is important to understand what the cause of the problems lies. For example, if your spouse’s mother is a difficult, aggressive and conflict-ridden person, not only in your opinion, but also in the opinion of others, it is most likely due to the character traits of this woman.
Your only task: try not to provoke scandals and not take part in the “combat actions” that your spouse’s mother is waging. But if you are sure that hostile relationships concern you exclusively, you should delve into the reasons for such behavior.
“My mother-in-law calls five times a day and gives advice. It's annoying." Psychologist comments
“I can’t bring myself to love my mother-in-law,” Valentina wrote. “I understand that she is not a stranger, but I just can’t bring myself to accept her.” Difficulties in our relationship began when we lived with her for the first seven months after our wedding. She literally wouldn’t let me delegate any housework to my husband. Even little things, like being asked to take out the trash or vacuum the carpet, seemed like some kind of horror to her. She kept saying: “He’s tired at work, let him rest.” And it doesn’t matter that I also work and am also tired: “You are a woman, this is your job.” Then we separated, but that didn’t make it any easier. She calls me (not him) five times a day, asks about all our everyday issues, gives advice - sometimes crazy, and worries. And I understand that she does all this sincerely, but it is terribly annoying. And recently my husband and I started having arguments - he wants to go to his mother for the weekend, but I can’t see his mother. How to be patient and build a relationship with your mother-in-law? To still distance myself from her...”
Psychologist, head Maria Kapustina, day care department for the disabled at the TCSON of the Pervomaisky district.
Commentary by psychologist, head. day care department for the disabled at the TCSON of the Pervomaisky district of Maria Kapustina:
– The relationship with my mother-in-law did not work out – this happens quite often. And the first question that arose when studying the situation: where does our heroine Valentina find so much time and energy to answer her mother-in-law’s calls not just once a day, but five times, to listen and report the situation? Why are you, Valentina, doing this?
It is important to ask yourself the question: why should I have an unpleasant, “toxic” conversation for me?
Your mother-in-law is not your mother, not your sister, not your grandmother. Not a blood relative. Mother-in-law is your spouse's mother.
Everyone must build their relationship with their mother themselves. I will say, perhaps rudely, but your husband’s relationship with his mother is only his problem. Moreover, you will not in any way affect your spouse’s attitude towards your mother. But your mood, your condition, your words in the presence of your spouse greatly influence your relationship with him, your family.
Your concerns are your relationship with your spouse, your children, your parents. Is it worth communicating with a stranger whose words are unpleasant to you? Where then can you find the strength to pay more attention, to give a smile, care, warmth to your children and husband? After all, a woman creates the atmosphere and mood in the family.
And in the situation described, the woman performs the function of “listening” to a stranger, taking care of his mood and condition.
It's worth prioritizing. Remember that you are an adult, and if you decide not to communicate with someone who annoys you, then others will simply have to accept this decision. And you will even be surprised how easily they will accept it. The main thing is that you are confident in your decision.
You can explain the situation to your spouse something like this: “Excuse me for what I’m about to say. I love you, I love your mom. But calling and communicating with her really upsets me. Then I take it out on you, we fight. And I don’t want us to lose each other, our love, I want to be in a good mood for you. I am for your communication with your mother and for our children to communicate with their grandmother. But my right is not to talk to her on the phone, not to visit her. I ask that you respect my decision."
Maybe if you stop talking to your mother-in-law on the phone so often, you will have a desire to go visit her... And if not, then that is also your right.
At the same time, if you love, care and maintain a pleasant atmosphere in the family, your husband wants to return home, his mother’s attitude towards you will not affect the man in any way. Even if you have conflicts or no communication with your mother-in-law at all. A man will come in the evening to where he is comfortable, warm, cozy and calm.
The most common causes of conflicts
Psychologists note: almost everyone has encountered such a problem as a critical attitude on the part of their husband’s or wife’s parents. The fact is that parents incredibly love their children and tend to exaggerate their merits without noticing their shortcomings. Another reason is that the mother-in-law is simply jealous of her son and daughter-in-law. Of course, every parent understands that sooner or later her son will leave the family, but this departure is a serious problem for women. A completely logical question arises: why does the mother react so sharply to changes in her own family? Often daughters-in-law note that the husband’s father almost never shows his dissatisfaction. Psychologists give the answer: women by nature are more emotional creatures, they live not by reason, but by feelings. It should be said that most often mothers-in-law themselves understand perfectly well that they are too strict and picky towards their daughter-in-law. However, they simply cannot help themselves.
Another reason that, according to psychologists, prevents you from building a good relationship with your mother-in-law is biological. It turns out that around the time adult children start families, hormonal changes occur in the mother's body. Of course, menopause cannot be called a disease, but it has a significant impact on various systems of a woman’s body. Including the mood. This is why mothers-in-law often develop character traits such as irritability, excessive emotionality and short temper.
How to make your mother-in-law angry?
Good day everyone, friends in misfortune.
I will briefly write the situation and the reason for this question. I have a mother-in-law with 25 years of teaching experience, a queen in life, greedy, cunning and able to pretend well when necessary. We live with her in the same city, not very far from each other. My husband and I have 2 small children, my dad and sister died, my mother has been in a coma for a year now and lives with us. I live in pieces. My husband has a mother and a father and a brother, but none of them want to take their children with them at least sometimes so that we can go somewhere. Several months a year I have a part-time job on Saturdays for 2-3 hours, but even these 2 times a month I have a headache about where to place the children. The husband's father and his mother divorced a long time ago, he is now once again organizing his personal life, he has seen his grandchildren only 2 times, the husband says that this is his pain. His mother creates the appearance of what a good grandmother she is, how she loves children, especially when strangers are nearby. She always took the children when I asked her, reluctantly, although in front of her husband she immediately changed and said a hundred times how glad she was. So recently, when I asked to be with the children (I ask 2 times a month), she threw a scandal at me that if I bring the children to her, I would go and bring a bag of apples, otherwise she has nothing to eat. And then I got carried away... and so did she. In short, it’s my fault that my son doesn’t communicate with her (the son says that it’s hard for him to talk to her because of her difficult character), we don’t give her anything (I constantly give everything from my garden), she doesn’t have any advice I ask (really, because there’s nothing to ask). At the same time, I hear all this foul language every year, because every autumn she makes scandals for my husband and me. Then, after 3-4 months, she calls her husband as if nothing had happened, he also decides not to continue the conflict and keeps communicating until next fall. But this time I said, that’s enough, a lot of dirt was poured on me and my relatives, I won’t communicate with her, at most hello if we meet somewhere. Of course, I told her this too.
Now closer to the essence of the problem. She ingratiates herself to her husband in every possible way, tries by any means to show what kind of mother and grandmother she is, ignoring the necessary help for our family, and her husband said that he will not ask her for anything, since he does not want to owe her. The only way for her to show her true colors is to make her angry, but in a nice and smart way. Tell me how?
Note: Options for introducing information: sitting with classmates, asking our second daughter-in-law about our news, meeting each other at holidays with mutual relatives.
Individual causes of conflicts
It would seem that everything is quite natural and natural. However, why then are there families in which newlyweds manage to maintain excellent relationships with their parents, and women do not face the question of how to properly communicate with their mother-in-law? What can influence a woman’s quality as a mother-in-law? Of course, these are character traits. Thus, those women who are accustomed to feeling their leadership in any situation will not only impose their own rules in the new family, but may also demand total submission from their daughter-in-law. Living conditions also have an impact. For example, if your mother-in-law works and has a hobby, she is unlikely to come to you to check the quality of cleaning or washing.
Another reason that makes women think about how to improve relations with their mother-in-law is the relationship that has developed between mother and son. In the case where a child has been the only meaning and love throughout a woman’s life (especially if it was a late child), it will be difficult for a woman to get used to parting with him. For a long time she will try to fulfill her usual role, considering herself a full member of the new family.
There are often cases where a boy was raised in conditions of hyperprotection. That is, he was constantly told what to do, who to be friends with, was never given a choice, and was punished for the slightest disobedience. Of course, the grown son still remains under pressure from his parents. He will definitely get the profession that his mother and father chose for him, and he will get married only after his parents approve of the bride’s candidacy.
How to communicate with your mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist
The very first advice given by family relationship specialists is as follows: sometimes it is better to remain silent than to speak. If your significant other’s mother is prone to criticism and regularly expresses dissatisfaction with you (even when she disguises nagging as good advice), you should give her a minimum amount of food for thought. Do not share what is happening in your life; for these purposes you have your own mother and friends. Keep it brief and never involve your mother-in-law in your family plans or conflicts.
What else should your spouse’s mother not know? Of course, about your past. How to communicate with your mother-in-law when the conversation turns to a slippery topic, and you feel that you are about to receive another insult? Try to move the conversation in a different direction as quickly as possible, for example, so that the mother-in-law starts talking about herself. And for as long as possible. In this case, the likelihood that she will forget that she wanted to find fault with you will be significantly reduced.
Lack of criticism
Are you thinking about how to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law? The easiest way to ensure that friendly relations never reign between you is to criticize your husband. After all, it was his mother-in-law who raised him this way; by the way, she probably considers him the best person in the world. So it’s better to discuss your dissatisfaction with your own man with him or not touch on this topic at all. It is unlikely that the mother-in-law will begin to help remake her son. And do you really need it? If your husband dissatisfies you so much that you cannot remain silent even in the presence of his mother, consider looking for another partner.
Act like you like her)
Even if you now have a bad relationship with your mother-in-law and you can’t stand her, this is not a reason to be rude and be forever dissatisfied with her presence. Your relationship will not improve this way. You need to behave completely differently with your mother-in-law, start with the opposite - do everything as if you like her) This is the mother of your chosen one, and you cannot hide or run away from her, even if you really want to. So put on a friendly face and act calm. This action alone will at least save you from claims on her part - after all, there will be much less reason to find fault.
Find her something to do
Thinking about how to communicate with your mother-in-law? Psychologists' advice is quite simple: help her find a hobby! This is the best option if your husband's mother is trying to participate in your life together. In order for her to stop constantly calling, coming to visit, checking what kind of borscht you cooked and how well your husband’s shirts were washed, help her find some kind of hobby: for example, let her put her huge photo archive in order, start going to the pool, and also you can give her a craft kit or teach her how to use Odnoklassniki. Make her feel like she has an interesting life of her own.
Individual approach
If you are thinking about how to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law, try looking for the keys to her heart. First, always show her respect and be considerate of her. Be sure to ask her for the recipe for this amazing pie. Offer your help, give her some wardrobe item that suits her. Of course, you shouldn’t get carried away, but asking for an expert opinion and taking part in life is not only possible, but also necessary.
How to answer your mother-in-law?
Ksenia, hello!
Your feelings are understandable - your wish was ignored, in response to your request there was laughter, as if you were not taken seriously. Not only does this cause unpleasant feelings in itself, it also increases anxiety - will such a person listen to my opinion in the future, when providing help, will he be guided by what I really need, or by his own assumptions about how it will be better for me. The greater the anxiety and desire to defend yourself, the greater the anger. But if in nature anger helps animals protect their personal space when someone tries to enter it, then in human relationships it can interfere with long-term relationships.
The birth of a daughter is a big event in your life. But this is not only a very personal event for you, it is also an event in the life of your husband, yours and his parents. They have new roles, new relationships - already in relation to this child. And it is natural that they want to participate in these relationships. Children, especially small ones, like no other, give the adults who care for them a feeling of being needed and emotional return. It’s understandable that you want to be alone with your daughter, in a small family circle. But be prepared for the fact that this may cause feelings in other family members.
What can you do to minimize them?
1. Check with your husband about the results of the conversation with his mother. If it does not bring results, talk to your mother-in-law yourself.
2. The necessary intonation for a conversation is gentleness, but persistence. Forget about your fears and anger during the conversation. As if you were talking to a child or a foreigner who does not understand the language well. If you get angry at his lack of understanding and raise your voice, this won’t help him understand you faster? Your task in this conversation is only to convey the idea without losing your temper, and to make sure that the interlocutor heard it. The last one is important.
3. Start the conversation with news or familiar discussions. After them, return to the issue that is important to you. In a confidential tone, tell her that you want to address one topic/request. And that you may not feel comfortable/embarrassed talking about it. But this topic is very important to you. And you want to discuss it with her.
4. Say what you thought about her offer to live with you and help with child care. That this is very valuable for you, because you know that you can count on her support and help.. But.. There is another side to the issue that you cannot help but take into account. It is important for you to be alone during this period. And this is what causes you difficulty - you don’t want to offend her and you understand her desire to help and communicate with her granddaughter, but you cannot ignore this question.
5. Say that people are different. There are those who more easily experience serious events (and the birth of a child, of course, is a serious event) with other people. And there are those who need to be with themselves for this. This is not always convenient, because there are also relatives and friends, and they want to be with you at this moment. But these are features of the psyche. Some people need one thing, others need another.
6. Say that by insisting on this option, you are worried not only about yourself, but also about your relationship with her. Tell her that you know that new mothers can be moody, and you don't want this to affect your relationship with her.
7. Thank your mother-in-law for her desire to help. Not all families have mothers-in-law helping their daughters-in-law, but this way you know who you can rely on now. Promise to take advantage of this offer when needed. Say that you would like to discuss certain topics with her, for example, to consult on the topic... Indicate when (and for how long) you are ready to see her at your place, so that you don’t get the feeling that you are not letting her see your granddaughter at all.
8. Ask her what she will say to this. If the conversation was conducted in a calm, confidential tone, she will most likely hear and accept your option. If she tries to refute your arguments or makes her own, saying that you have no idea how much work will fall on you, without leaving a calm tone, you must agree that you probably have no idea. And in this case, be sure to contact her. But now this is a concern for you, and you prefer to solve problems as they arise. You can completely repeat this circle, most importantly, in a completely calm voice, maintaining patience: you don’t want to offend anyone, you appreciate how caring your relatives are, there will definitely be conditions for communication, but it will be important for you to be able to be with yourself during this period. Don't be afraid of repetition.
If the mother-in-law expresses her feelings - that she is offended or unpleasant to hear this, listen with understanding, but without feelings of guilt. Agree, express your understanding, offer to think about ways to find an option that will suit everyone.
9. It is important in the future: share with her news about preparing for childbirth and life with a child, ask her advice and her experience - what she did in certain situations, thank her for them (even if you did not use them) and any help.
You can prepare for a difficult conversation and learn to defend your boundaries gently and without conflict by consulting a psychologist.
Good luck!
Taking is one thing, giving is another. How to answer?
Filatova Yulia, psychologist in St. Petersburg
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Who is the mistress of the house?
Another incredibly useful tip on how to communicate with your mother-in-law: at the very beginning of the conflict, think about where you are. If you are on your own territory, then tell your mother-in-law that you are the one running the show here. Tell us about your desires and the rules that exist in your home. This should be done as respectfully as possible. If you are in your mother-in-law’s territory, where she is the owner, do not remain silent under any circumstances: this will not help prevent conflict. How to improve relations with your mother-in-law in this case? Ask clarifying questions. Try to find out exactly what you need to consider, what rules you should follow and what she expects from you.
I want to make peace with my mother-in-law
I need some practical advice on how to make peace with my mother-in-law. In short, it probably won't work. The husband has his own two-room apartment, his brother and his wife lived in it for 6 years, the husband lived first with his first wife, then with his parents. We got married and began to live in my husband’s apartment—we were in one room, my brother and his wife were in the other. My brother is registered with his parents, they have a very small two-room apartment. We lived normally for six months. Then the clashes began (2 housewives, you understand)))) My husband and I were constantly making comments that I didn’t clean the floors well, didn’t turn off the lights, put the pan on the wrong shelf, etc. This angered and surprised me; I would never have dared to “poke” the owners with such trifles. It’s clear that I wanted to leave, but I talked to my husband and decided that we’d wait another 2 years until my brother and his wife finished building their house and moved it down themselves. We didn’t want a quarrel in the family, we didn’t want to cause trouble for our parents, but we warned the guys that they weren’t impudent...
Our daughter was born. I have an excellent relationship with my mother-in-law. She came to us from time to time, helped with our daughter, we communicated well in a friendly manner, she taught me a lot and I can say with confidence that I fell in love with her like my own mother (I lost my mother at the age of 16). I called my mother-in-law every day and it never bothered me, on the contrary, we don’t talk for 3 days - we miss you))
And then thunder struck. One day my brother lost his key and they accused us that we took their key on purpose and that we generally went into their room and rummaged through things!)))) To be fair, I’ll say that we go into their room, maybe. In their room, the Internet distributor is cut off periodically, the telephone base, from their windows you can see the garage, which I “guarded” in the summer so that it would not be demolished, and many other needs. And it was agreed that we would come in in their absence if necessary. But to touch things! We were offended by such accusations, a scandal began with the merits of each side recalled, and my husband said that we definitely wouldn’t be able to live together now, we had to think about options for leaving.
At the family council, we decided that we would move in with our parents for a while - I communicate well with my mother-in-law, my granddaughter will be with her grandparents all the time, and my husband has lived there for the last 5 years, and we will give the children a year to solve their housing problems... This decision was made , because the mother-in-law has a heart condition, and her relationship with her second daughter-in-law did not work out. We called my mother-in-law, she said that she didn’t mind, she just sighed that we had quarreled after all and that it would be a little cramped for us in her apartment.
They began to collect things. We called our mother-in-law that we were eating, and she started screaming with tears and hysterics that she didn’t want to see us, that after we kicked K. (my brother’s wife) out in such a cruel way, after what we were SUCH!!!! they did to K., she doesn’t consider us people and doesn’t want to see us. We are shocked, we ask what we did, to which the mother-in-law replies - you know, I didn’t expect such cruelty from you, you are just non-humans... My husband began to reassure my mother, saying don’t worry, K. will come home, we’ll figure out what happened , most likely you did not understand something. To which my mother replied: “K. she won’t cross the threshold of your house, she received such a trauma from you for the rest of her life, I didn’t expect, son, that your wife could influence you like that and force you to commit such an abomination.” It turns out that after our call to my mother-in-law, K. called her and came up with something that we supposedly did. But we didn't do anything!!!! And my mother-in-law simply believed it. It could not have occurred to her, the unfaithful one, that K. could lie to us, because there was no reason for this...
That's all. My mother-in-law doesn't pick up the phone anymore. We called every day, no answer, hangs up. K. came home as if nothing had happened and is cooking in the kitchen. I went out to talk to her, ask what she was telling her mother-in-law that she started such a hysteria. K. says with a grin, just ask your mother-in-law, she just honestly told everything about you. And then I couldn’t stand it and started yelling, “Get out, I have nothing to lose, you’ve already lied to us to your mother-in-law, you’ve quarreled with her, so now I’ll throw you down the stairs.” For the first time in my life I told a person - get out! K. insolently tells me that the apartment is not mine, but my husband’s, that I can’t tell anyone here... But my husband came and calmly asked her and her brother to leave for good... K. left. A week later, brother and K. took their things and moved in with their mother-in-law.
Since then, my mother-in-law has not communicated with us, for 2 months. passed. At first I cried every day, every day I dialed her number, my husband did, but she didn’t pick up the phone. I wanted to explain to her that there was a misunderstanding, listen to your son first!!! Then I experienced a period of irritation - they say, you don’t want to communicate, but you don’t need to, it’s you who are losing, not me... you’re losing your son, your only granddaughter (her sons are 42 and 37 years old, and her first granddaughter is 10 months old now).
Now is a period of worry again. Well, I can’t be in a quarrel with a person, especially since I didn’t have a quarrel! The husband actually took the bit between his teeth, he was offended that the mother abruptly believed her daughter-in-law (we still don’t know what was said there), that she didn’t want to talk to him and immediately forgot about her granddaughter.
The funniest thing is K. when she came to pick up our things, she asked why we didn’t move out to our mother-in-law ourselves, since we were planning to)))) We told her that if she, a fool, hadn’t told her mother-in-law some nonsense about us, then we would have moved out, my mother would have already She gave her consent, but after the memorable call K. refused, and even wrote us down as enemies. K. even changed her face))))) I could have lived alone for another year, but now with my mother-in-law in a 7-meter room...
Girls, I have questions
1. Why did K. do this, why did she start a conflict about the keys and getting into her things, because she understood that if you run into the owners, they might kick you out.
2. Why did K. lie to us, because she knew that we would tell and prove our truth. K. could not imagine that her mother-in-law would immediately believe her and refuse to communicate with us at all. After all, my mother-in-law never did this! She always listened to both sides.
3. How can I start communicating with my mother-in-law again? Well, I can’t live in ignorance, this “cold war” is eating me up from the inside. Advice like, be glad that “now your mother-in-law doesn’t interfere in your life” will not work. I cry every day.
4. I no longer need to seek justice for who said what... I just want to return my mother-in-law’s communication with her son, granddaughter, and then with me.
I came to the conclusion that there is no need to be soft, I should have told my husband as soon as I got married to send my brother and his wife away... otherwise they endured it for 1.5 years, felt sorry for the mother-in-law, and now they turned out to be guilty...
Sympathy
Probably every person has heard the folk wisdom at least once in his life: whoever is rich in what, shares it. It is for this reason that psychologists advise looking at your own mother-in-law from a different perspective. If she shows you anger, unloving, or rejection, she most likely lacks self-love. Try to discern in your husband’s mother a small child who was disliked, mentally tell her that you are sorry, that something makes her angry, that she feels bad. You don't quarrel with small children, do you? It is customary to simply accept them as they are. Try accepting your mother-in-law.
How to make friends with your mother-in-law?
There are several ways to help you improve family relationships. Please note: you do not have to love your mother-in-law as much as you love your own mother, and you should not expect to be treated like a daughter. If tender feelings do arise between you, take them as a bonus from a successful marriage. Learn to see something good and creative in your mother-in-law that allows you to balance out her shortcomings. As often as possible, admire your mother-in-law, of course, out loud and in front of her, for her talents and skills.
