By putting the treasured ring on her ring finger, the girl becomes not only a wife, but also a daughter-in-law. If your mother-in-law turns out to be a nice, sweet lady who allows you to live your life, consider yourself lucky! But often young wives receive a picky and aggressive relative as a “reward”. How to become good for her? What to do to save the family and how to improve relations with your mother-in-law?
Make it useful
Often my mother gives advice and teaches me how to live. She's not out of malice! The woman is trying to be useful to your family. Never ignore these attempts, because it is possible that soon you will have to ask her to babysit the children, water the flowers during vacation, etc. By asking your mother-in-law for help, you will give her wings. Treat your mother-in-law as a person who has something to learn from! Surely this is true.
How to improve relations with your daughter-in-law?
Few mothers-in-law ask themselves how to improve their relationship with their daughter-in-law. At best, they begin to do something after the family is on the verge of divorce. To be fair, it must be said that not all mothers-in-law are furies, and not all daughters-in-law are angels, but sometimes hostility towards a son’s wife arises, as they say, out of the blue, and both the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law are quite adequate people. Why is this happening?
When a new person comes to the family, much of the way of life that has developed over the years changes. Added to this is banal jealousy, since now the son’s attention, his care and help will be directed to his own family. Conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law arise especially often when living together. The young wife is still inexperienced in everyday matters, yesterday's bride and groom are just learning to live together, sometimes they quarrel, and all this happens in front of the mother-in-law.
Unfortunately, a protracted conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law negatively affects not only themselves, but also other relatives. If the mother-in-law is thinking about how to improve relations with her daughter-in-law, then all is not lost. Sometimes a kind word or a frank conversation is enough for reconciliation, but it is possible to finally improve relations only if the desire to make peace is sincere.
To improve relationships, most often you don’t need words; you just need to change your attitude towards your son’s wife, and everything will work out by itself. If you stop making comments on every occasion, if you begin to treat your daughter-in-law as another child of yours, you will make not only her and yourself happier, but also your own son. Isn't his happiness worth it if you curb your ambitions a little?
It can be easier to establish a relationship with a mother-in-law's daughter-in-law than a daughter-in-law with her husband's mother for the simple reason that she is older and smarter, and she initially has authority. The mother-in-law has life experience and an example of relationships with her own mother-in-law. In general, if mothers-in-law remembered more often that they themselves were daughters-in-law, there would be much fewer conflicts.
If you have firmly decided, albeit somewhat belatedly, to be a friend to a young family, no matter how difficult it may be to step over yourself, take this step.
And now some tips on how to improve your relationship with your daughter-in-law. Give her an unexpected gift, but an inexpensive one. Let it be a bouquet of flowers or a cute trinket, the main thing is that it comes from the heart. Invite her to a cafe or to your home and have a little “bachelorette party”.
Think about the fact that reconciliation with your daughter-in-law is more important to you than to her. If you want to communicate normally with your son and grandchildren, it is better to make friends with your son’s wife, because her influence on them is much greater than yours, and it is easier to come to terms with this than to fight.
Tags: daughter-in-law, family values, psychology of communication, mother-in-law, building relationships
Ignore the reproaches
Mothers-in-law often unreasonably reproach their daughters-in-law. It is unlikely that the flow of reproaches can be stopped; it is better to simply stop reacting to them.
Only a true diplomat can create an ideal relationship with her mother-in-law. A wise daughter-in-law always gets along with her mother-in-law and forgives her antics. Be sure that the time will come, both your son and his mother will appreciate your wisdom!
Do you get along with your mother-in-law?
Oksana
I think that we have a very intelligent family. My husband is a school director, and I work there as a psychologist. We trained our son to be an economist. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and practically doesn't use foul language. I am very proud of him, I always support his decision.
About two months ago, my son introduced us to his girlfriend Oksana. I still can’t understand what he found in her. She is not beautiful, she is a little stupid, she wears provocative things. She graduated from college, her mother is retired, her father drinks. I think that she is not suitable for our son at all.
That same evening, when Oksana left, I expressed my opinion about her. She immediately said that she was not suitable, it would be difficult for him to be with her, since they had completely different upbringings. The son just went wild. He shouted that he loved her, she was kind and good, and I was just interfering where I wasn’t asked. I sighed, but decided not to retreat.
Loss of influence
If your mother-in-law really wants to continue her teaching mission, don’t interfere with her. Perhaps she sees no other role for herself in life. Try yourself in the role of an ally. For example, a woman doesn’t like that her son smokes: discuss with her methods of combating this bad habit, build a strategy together, even if you know perfectly well that your spouse is not going to part with a cigarette. Your task is to play along with the zeal of your new relative. Place relevant literature at home and reprimand your husband a couple of times in the presence of his mother. It is quite possible that you will soon be signed up as an ally.
Daughter-in-law is someone else's bone
Another equally eloquent Russian proverb says: “The daughter-in-law and sister-in-law live awkwardly.” Why? Because the game “two women - one man” is as old as the hills, and no less dangerous for all parties involved in it.
So, you are the daughter-in-law. Congratulations! (This in itself is already remarkable, considering that there are still “9 guys for every 10 girls”). Your husband is wonderful, you have more or less built shaky suspension bridges with his mother, but you just can’t find the key to his “beloved sister.” It seems to you that she hates you “just like that,” for the mere fact of your mortal existence “along with everyone else on earth.” She examines all your actions under a microscope of such magnifying power that the scientific laboratories of Harvard and Oxford have never dreamed of. And in secret, he’s probably just waiting for you to “break his heart and hide in the foggy distance” (as an option: chop off his living space, keep him busy at work, deprive him of his child, etc.). Stop! You are simply captured by stereotypes. To avoid painful shame later both in front of your husband and sister-in-law, first try to follow the three “Never” rules:
- Never argue with your sister-in-law on the topic “Who knows and understands him better” (of course, sister, they know each other better than you, no matter what!).
- Never destroy their traditions (are they used to going to the cinema every Saturday, and then discussing their personal life in a pizzeria over a cup of coffee? Let it be so forever and ever!).
- Never slander your sister-in-law behind your back (no matter how much your husband swears to you that this will remain “only between you,” sooner or later he will still blab to his sister with pathos a la “it’s not in vain that Masha told me about you...”).
Advice to a man: introduce your chosen one to your sister before your mother and ask her to “insure” so that everything goes smoothly with meeting her parents - this way you will immediately place your two beloved women “on the same side of the barricades.”
Should a man be involved in resolving a conflict?
One way or another, quarrels between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law occur because of one man. Husband and son - combining these two responsibilities, so that everyone is happy, is catastrophically difficult. This is why two ladies in the same family quarrel so often; they simply lack attention.
However, this does not mean that a representative of the stronger sex should be involved in this conflict. It is recommended to do this only in the most extreme cases, when there are simply no other options left. In what cases can a husband help his daughter-in-law?
- If the mother-in-law is biased towards her wife and makes numerous claims to her for several years.
- If your mother-in-law often abuses alcohol or drugs, then you need to fight her inappropriate behavior together.
- If the mother-in-law turns her grandchildren against their mother.
Thus, it becomes clear that you need to involve your husband only in the most extreme cases. Why is this so important? The fact is that it is difficult for a man to take sides in this conflict. The enmity between his mother and wife negatively affects his character and mood.
In addition, if the wife tries to turn to her husband, the mother-in-law may think that the relative is turning her son against her. As a result, the conflict will only escalate, completely ruining the relationship between the two ladies.
You need to turn to your husband for help only if the girl is absolutely sure that she is right. It’s worth weighing the pros and cons in advance and trying to approach criticism objectively. It is quite possible that the initiator or culprit of the conflict is the daughter-in-law herself. Her jealousy or envy of her mother-in-law causes problems in the relationship. By turning to her husband, a woman will only tarnish her mother-in-law’s reputation, presenting herself not in the best light.
How to become your mother-in-law's favorite daughter-in-law
The mother-in-law is the mother of the husband and is also a woman who is trying to be useful and still relevant. In this article we will find out how to become a favorite daughter-in-law for your mother-in-law.
“A wise mother-in-law gains a daughter, but a foolish one loses a son...”
Types of dependence on mother-in-law
The mother's power over her son should end after his marriage. But this doesn't always happen.
- On weekends, and not only, he goes to his mother and often without his wife.
- She often calls him, at any time of the day or night, for any reason.
- The husband spends money on his parents' family or is financially dependent on them.
It turns out that mom’s influence continues. It’s as if she’s checking whether your husband is serious with you or just for fun. What to do? You need to try not to compete with your mother-in-law , you don’t need to force your husband to choose between your mother and you, show respect for her.
Learn to cook dishes from his childhood
In order to prepare the kind of dishes that your husband is accustomed to, you can ask your mother-in-law for recipes. Here you will kill two birds with one stone: you will acquire a family recipe, and you can also find a common language with your mother-in-law. I think she'll appreciate it.
When my mother-in-law comes to visit us, I cook my signature dishes. And she tried several times to understand why they were made from the same ingredients and tasted better than hers. And then she shared her recipes.
Treat your husband to dishes from your childhood
This way you will be able to find out his taste preferences, and also discover yours for him. Thus, you will learn more about each other.
It is necessary to defend your territory. If you wake up to her call every weekend, then you need to say that you are glad to hear her calls, but it is inconvenient to answer them and ask her to call on weekends, for example, after 11 am.
Remember that your mother-in-law raised and nurtured in your husband everything that you now love about him. No one can say whether there will be love between you and your mother-in-law, but you can gain mutual respect.
You need to immediately agree on how you will contact your mother-in-law
Some mothers-in-law really like to be called “mom”. And there are also those who would be comfortable being called by their first and patronymic names. And of course, many are not pleased when they are not addressed at all.
Remember, you are not rivals. You have a different relationship with your man. You just love him together.
Perhaps you once had a problem about how to become a favorite daughter-in-law for your mother-in-law. Girls, if you want to share your story, you can write a comment below or send me a letter, which I will publish in the “Let’s Talk” section. You can also read an equally interesting article on this topic here.
The most common causes of quarrels between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law
My mother-in-law hates me very much, and I don’t know what to do about it - many women turn to a psychologist with this problem. Having entered into marriage, they do not realize that they will not only have to maintain an alliance with their lover, but also fight the prejudices of their mother-in-law.
The most common cause of conflict between two women is the elementary division of power. The young wife wants to build life in the house according to her vision, but the mother-in-law has completely different ideas about how her son should live. As a result, the ladies clash over and over again, which results in enmity.
What other reasons stimulate the development of the conflict?
- Jealousy of a mother who has lost her son's attention.
- Inappropriate behavior of the daughter-in-law in the past or present, which creates conflict.
- Women may not have the same views regarding raising children in the family.
- If this is not a man’s first marriage, then the mother-in-law may be positively disposed towards the first daughter-in-law, refusing to accept the second.
- The conflict may be related to the girl’s desire to devote herself to her career rather than building family relationships.
It is necessary to understand that the mother-in-law always thinks about her son first. She will take his side in conflicts and will try by any means to make the man happy.
Relationships are especially difficult with those mothers who are accustomed to taking care of their sons from an early age and refuse to accept them. Like adults. Independent men. In this case, the wife’s desire to protect her husband from the mother’s excessive influence will only result in serious and protracted conflicts between relatives.
Psychologists in such situations advise women to try to resolve the conflict on their own at the negotiating table. It is necessary to involve a third party, that is, a man, only in the most extreme cases, when there are no other ways to overcome the conflict.
