What is will, what is captivity
— Modern parents find it difficult to cope with children who don’t want anything. Where is the root of evil?
— Reluctance to do something is a problem of will, and it concerns not only children.
A whole generation of people who have become parents has already grown up, but they cannot force themselves. They can act only when it is pleasant and easy for them, and are completely powerless when they need to go against some of their desires and overcome obstacles. They are impulsive and find it difficult to bear any obligations, so they often have problems with the law, for example with repaying loans. The problem of will is a topic on which many teeth have been broken. Because it does not lend itself to instrumental research. This is an important mental process, which, in fact, makes a person human. We can study thinking and memory through tests and measurements of physiological parameters - electrical activity in the brain or metabolism, for example.
There is no instrumental basis for research on will. The main available method for studying it is in situations where it is damaged, that is, the flaw is immediately visible.
Clinical psychologist Larisa Golovina.
vk.com.
So, in the case of schoolchildren, we see a failure when there is no motivation. Parents say: “He doesn’t need anything, he’s not interested in anything.” Parents give up; they don’t even know how to punish their child. Well, they take the tablet away, he says: “Well, okay.” Everything is “okay” with him. Previously, punishment was already the prospect that mom would get angry. And that motivated me. For modern children everything is different.
My mother doesn't want to listen to me
Hello, Sonya! let's look at what's going on:
When we quarrel, she manages to say everything out and make me feel guilty. And I am obliged, according to her, to ask for forgiveness. Because she is a mother and I am a stupid daughter.
There is such a term “triagnulated family member” - as a rule, his role is played by a child who takes on excessive responsibility (BUT this responsibility is assigned to him by the PARENTS) and grows up in a position of subordination, in emotional dependence. You act as this family member FOR YOUR mother - she is used to shifting responsibility FOR her feelings onto YOU - she does not admit to herself that it is SHE who is responsible for them - for her irritation, for setting her expectations. She wants to see you as “ONE” and completely rejects the fact that you are different - you are like an emotional buffer for her. The child EXPECTS love from the mother and hopes that it can be earned - and the child gets used to taking a position that brings him at least that little attention and love from the mother - and for this he needs to obey, forget himself, stop listening to himself, and be the shadow of his mother, to be that pillow she can beat emotionally. Her irritation does NOT become less even when she pours everything out on you - because she does not correctly see the source - it is NOT IN YOU, but inside her!!!
BUT the child is dependent on the relationship with his parents - BUT exactly until he GROWS UP!
You have grown up, BUT you still show your dependence, continue to obey, continue to listen to her, continue to FEEL like a teenager, guilty, continue to apologize, ALTHOUGH you begin to understand that you DO NOT like it, BUT YOU are afraid to get out of it, since by doing so you will incur even more irritation for mom! You are afraid of her rejection, but you understand that every time you take on her responsibility, you reject yourself! and this is an even stronger blow for you!
This is EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE!
I try not to answer her, I listen to everything, but this annoys her even more. I answer back, she screams and calls me the last words.
this is not an option - you get used to being in the passive role of a dependent child. The child inside you needs a feeling of safety and security, he expects this from his mother and continues to try to get it with his submission - BUT - this does not work out. Now he needs the help and support of only ONE ADULT who IS in his life - YOU! YOU need to grow up and protect your inner child - GIVE HIM THAT feeling of security and love that you DON'T have to try to earn, show him that YOU CAN defend yourself - and that means NOT LISTENING to her words, but GET UP AND LEAVE! say that they do NOT intend to listen to it! YOUR strength will be that you CAN PROTECT YOURSELF and think about yourself - and allow your mother to feel and think what SHE WANTS - free yourself from the burden that does NOT belong to YOU! You need to find yourself! It's up to YOU to decide - what do you want? separate from mom? or continue to wait for her love?
Sonya, if you really decide to figure out what’s going on and help yourself, feel free to contact me - I successfully work with problems of emotional dependence - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!
Colleague-subordinate does not want to listen to me, provokes conflict
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow
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Fall out of the cradle
- Why do you think this is happening?
- We will understand this if we look at the life of a modern person, at the very conditions of upbringing. If a baby lies in a wet diaper, he will scream, and then someone big will come and make him dry and warm. A conditional connection appears. This cry is the first act of will.
The modern child is deprived of the opportunity to show will at the earliest stages. Let's start with the fact that we have diapers that don't get wet and don't require screaming. And then the child lives in conditions where he himself has practically nothing to do.
School.
Anna Zaikova
A person born 40-50 years ago very quickly, so to speak, fell out of the cradle and was forced to make many bodily movements in order to satisfy the basic needs of life. He found himself involved in the ordinary everyday life of his elders, because if he, for example, did not prepare his own food, then no one would do it. And the child understands very early: in order for something to work out, you have to make an effort.
We have ready-made food, no need to strain to get it. Modern parents’ excessive passion for comfort, excessive and not always justified concern for safety lead to the fact that the child grows up weak-willed. This is a case where the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Because when a situation arises in overcoming some difficulty, when you need to show patience, the person will be very uncomfortable, and he will try to escape from these circumstances. Although in fact, those who win in this world are those who, among other things, know how to endure discomfort, understanding why it is necessary.
When the parents of an 11-year-old come to me and say that he doesn’t want to do anything, I think: “Well, my dears, what did you do to make him want something at all?” He has all the blessings of the world at arm's length.
School security during the Unified State Exam.
Anna Zaikova
Half measures won't help
- Is there a way to correct such a teenager?
- There is only one way - to put the child in such conditions where he will be forced to show his will, where everything can be achieved only through labor. Intuitively, parents know this path, but not everyone is ready to do this.
Send your son to a sports camp, where the head is a proper physical education teacher - a simple man who knows how to get food in the forest, not get burned in a fire, not drown in a river, not freeze and protect himself from wolves. And here it’s real: if you didn’t stomp, you didn’t burst.
- If you don’t train your will, what will happen to the child later?
— Mental processes develop in a spiral, passing through the same points, only at different levels. There is a starting point - the cry of a wet child. Then, for example, a three- or four-year-old child, by force of will, will not take the candy that his mother forbade him to take. Then the teenager, with the same effort, will not go to play on the computer, but will sit in front of his textbooks, because it is important to enroll in physics and mathematics class.
And so all my life. In the extreme, extreme version, this is, for example, Alexander Matrosov, who lay down on the embrasure contrary to his desires and needs.
School.
Anna Zaikova
If somewhere at some stage there was a failure and this spiral was not built, then subsequently it will be necessary to rather harshly put the child in such conditions when he needs to make a decision. Moreover, it is a decision on which his basic vital needs depend.
That is, if we fail to motivate him with higher needs (to be good, honest, noble, etc.), we will have to descend to what is literally associated with food and water.
— What happens to such a child in adulthood?
“You can’t let your will go halfway; you either have it or you don’t.” But there is another problem. The volitional process, even if it is started, is not endless. It cannot be preserved for life; it is impossible to become human forever. We must constantly maintain this tone.
You can turn into a weak-willed amoeba at any stage of life. We are familiar with those moments of apathy when we collapse on the couch, eat pizza and watch TV shows all day long. But then some motive appears, and we pull ourselves together. If you were strong-willed and strong for 20 years of your life, this is not a guarantee that you will remain a person to the end.
That is, you can easily become an animal, but the doors back to humanity are always closed, and they can only be opened with a kick - by our willpower.
At school.
Anna Zaikova
Why does a young mother get tired? 10 reasons you didn't know about
“Young mother” is not the age of the mother herself. This is her “status” next to a child under 7 years old. “Young mother” is one of the most burning “professions”. And the most important one. Below are the answers to the questions: “Why are you tired, you’re sitting at home?!”, “What kind of mother am I?!” — and thoughts about what to do about it.
When a “young mother” has outbursts of aggression, this is still “good news” - she still has some strength left to react. Mom’s irritation is a sign that she no longer has the strength for an adequate reaction, for flexibility, for a sense of humor, for changing her position, for diplomacy and tolerance. But there is still time for “self-defense.”
The bad news is that this is still not the most harmonious reaction, causing a feeling of guilt, which further depletes the mother. The next natural state is depression, apathy, tears. Irritation is a symptom and a reason to do something before your strength runs out.
Modern motherhood is filled with myths about how “ideal and correct” it is. All these myths feed the biggest fear - to be / appear to be a bad mother and harm the child in some way. There are no categorical norms and rules. There is something that is suitable and acceptable for a particular woman, a particular family, harmonious for a particular child living in specific circumstances.
So, where do you spend your energy and what can you do about it?
1. Responsibility. Constant. For the life and safety of those who cannot take care of themselves. (If it is seasoned with anxiety, the expenditure of energy increases significantly.)
What to do?
Remember that the child has a strong instinct of self-preservation. And he will signal when something threatens him.
Imagine that he has the power of his own Destiny, his potential.
Try to secure the space of the apartment so that it is possible to reduce control and anxiety.
Provide the child with “safe freedom” as much as possible. The wonderful words of Janusz Korczak - our fear for the life of a child separates him from life itself. “The right to take risks, to be exposed to danger, is one of the inalienable rights of a child,” he insisted. This does not mean being careless, it means trying to protect the child, not hiding him from life itself. From the point of view of an anxious parent, the world is full of dangers, but by forbidding a child to experiment, take risks, try the world around him, we risk making him apathetic and indifferent to everything - “extinguishing life itself.”
Allow yourself to take responsible care of yourself - remember your instinct of self-preservation.
Give yourself the opportunity to “share responsibility” - invite a nanny, or grandmother, or friends. Who can definitely be trusted with a child for some time. And, of course, learn to trust your husband, who can definitely cope with the task.
2. Multitasking and a constant state of concentration. (Perfectionism increases the load.) Our brain, our nervous system is able to support a certain, not very large, by the way, number of tasks and impulses.
What to do?
Don't keep everything planned in your mind. Write a list.
Allow yourself to deviate from your plans.
Cross off what is not vitally important from your task list. (Perhaps the most important point is that not all tasks need to be done yourself.)
Give yourself the opportunity to take 5-10 minute breaks - without thinking about “what else do I need to do”, without the phone, social networks.
Write a list in advance of what brings you pleasure and is a resource. (You can search in the following “channels”: taste, aroma, what you can look at, movement, communication or silence, sound, prayer-meditation, reading, learning, touch - a feeling of “pleasure” for the skin, body...)
Ask family and friends for help. For many of them this can be pleasant and important. It is also advisable to remember that, as a rule, it is easier for male husbands to help us when they are asked for something specific than when they are left to guess and feel guilty for something not done.
Try to remove guilt and anger towards yourself if something doesn’t work out or doesn’t work out the way you would like.
Ask yourself - what's the worst thing that will happen if I don't do this? As a rule, the worst thing is the feeling of one’s own “badness”, subjective, of course.
3. About 30% of the body’s energy is spent on maintaining lactation (lactation consultants - please confirm or deny the numbers). Remember that often the state of fatigue during breastfeeding is natural and indicates that the body does not have time to restore resources.
Important:
Food - which still needs to be taken orally many times a day regularly Water Oxygen Sleep (as much as possible) You can and should seek support from lactation consultants.
4. Hormonal surges. Yes, hormone levels change frequently. This affects your emotional and physical well-being. It's important to realize this. Not to dump responsibility “on hormones.” And in order to choose “your own stabilizing method” for yourself, it’s better not to use medication, of course.
Breathing Yoga Body practices Balance practices
5. Lack of sleep.
6. "Groundhog Day." Repetition of the same plot. We have the power to make the smallest changes to the smallest things possible.
For example, turn on a radio or audiobook in the background.
Allow yourself to change your plan of action.
Hang garlands in the house.
Order pizza.
Walk along another street in other places.
Allow yourself a swimming pool, a master class at a music school (takes 1 hour), lying in the bathtub, going to the cinema with your husband - this will only make things better for your most beloved and small children.
Sometimes I offer mothers who just can’t leave the house this game (if it’s not possible to make external changes, we can make internal, even minimal ones): imagine that you are a cat mom today - and you make everything out of this role, and today you are a queen mother... (It’s important to remove all roles from yourself.)
7. Sensory overload. They jump on mom, crawl, pinch her, stroke her. There are constant sounds nearby - babies cry, scream, laugh, stomp... All sensors - perception channels - are overloaded.
It is necessary to give yourself “sensory rest” - a pause of “inviolability”, silence. This is a necessity of the nervous system.
It is important to explain to your husband that you really need tenderness and physical contact, but the body may experience “panic” and a state of insensibility or hypersensitivity from overload.
8. Inability to control something - to bring it to completion. Enjoy the completion of the process and the opportunity to “put an end to it.”
When we are satisfied with the result, the hormone dopamine helps us regain our strength. We feel a surge of energy. “Young mothers” often depend on the regime and condition of their children. They may start an action or plan to do something while the child is sleeping... And he is not sleeping at all...
Can:
Break large tasks into many small ones. Celebrate the success-completion of each with at least the words “Oh yes I am!” Well done!”, even with ticks and flowers, or with sips of juice.
Thank the child for sleeping peacefully, helping, participating, and playing. Children react very sensitively to this, check it out.
Train yourself to enjoy the process.
Include things that bring you pleasure into your list of important things to do—start with that.
It is important to learn not to feel guilty for unfinished actions.
9. Lack of personal territory (place, time, “body” - when the baby is an infant).
It is important that every person has something about which he can say “Mine.” When something small appears - your own spoon, plate, chair, blanket, book, 5 minutes of time, the opportunity to stand in the shower... It’s easier to build boundaries further. It is not necessary for a child, it is even harmful when his mother “mothers” him 24 hours a day. It is important for the child to see and feel that the mother is fulfilled in something other than him.
10. Possible lack of “personal money”. Sometimes “young mothers” - who are on maternity leave - do not allow themselves to claim part of the family budget. And they start saving on themselves. Of course, this topic should have been raised before pregnancy and discussed with your husband. There is a general family budget. And money “comes” to the family to solve common problems. Attitude towards budget distribution is a projection of attitude towards oneself. It is important to regain the opportunity to use a common resource without feelings of guilt and shame - harmoniously and balanced.
Working “young mothers” have the opportunity to switch mentally. But there is less opportunity for physical rest. Mothers who work remotely - at home - may spend more energy on creating a “personal - work space”
All this, seasoned with self-doubt, fear of making a mistake, perfectionism, inability to openly talk about needs, ask for help, can lead you into the trap of burnout. And all of the above are “growth zones.”
And most importantly, all this prevents you from feeling your specific child, about whom the most professional specialists cannot write in the most advanced books.
And all this affects the relationship with the child’s father, who is, first of all, a husband who often wants to help, but does not understand what is happening with his wife and what help is needed. And which has its own burnout factors.
The appearance of a baby exacerbates hidden conflicts, both internal and external. And it is important to gradually deal with these internal conflicts.
The worst option is to start demanding from loved ones that they take pity on us, support us, and give us something. It’s more harmonious to understand what we can do ourselves. What can we ask for?
Some of us, from fatigue and burnout, go into a feeling of guilt, others fall into the position of a victim.
It is important to realize: we voluntarily decided to bring a child into the world. Our task is to learn to redistribute the load and recover. Feeling the boundaries of personal territory - being able to take care of yourself - is an important skill that we pass on to the child from the first months of life.
And each of us is the best mother for our best child in the world. The same mother who is exactly what he needs and is important.
What gives us strength is the feeling of meaningfulness of this time next to the baby. A feeling of joy - every day the child becomes more alive. And behind every fatigue of every day is our enormous contribution to life and a huge number of small and large gains.
Ahead of the locomotive
“When a child goes to first grade, he understands that some new stage is beginning, but he knows nothing about it. He may have expectations and may be quickly disappointed. How can I help him move to this new level?
— The system of education and training that we went through was based on our capabilities and satisfied our needs. In the modern world it has failed. The imbalance is colossal, and it is getting worse year after year.
Children from one to three years old, for example, need to move a lot. This is the stage of formation of sensorimotor intelligence. A person experiences the world through movements and sensations. At this time, he accumulates a baggage of sensations and forms his nervous system so that in the future it will be able to perform other operations and serve other processes, for example, thinking, on which learning will then be built.
Parents who are too keen on the idea of child development, having read the Internet, begin to sit their 2-3 year old children at the table and learn letters. Run ahead of the locomotive, in general. Mother, what are you doing? What do you want to achieve? So that a child can defend his doctoral dissertation by the 10th grade?
This is very cruel to a little person. Movements and sensations are literally food for a child’s nervous system at this age. And his parents constantly underfeed him.
Teenagers. Sneakers.
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So a child comes to first grade, firstly, physically stunted, and secondly, with an already accumulated colossal aversion to the learning process itself. After all, if instead of food every time you give a person some stinking nasty thing, he will very quickly stop eating altogether.
A healthy child has a huge cognitive interest, but he is taught letters and numbers, rather than learning the world by touch. Things are even worse at school. The child is physically unable to bear this load. And then there are the ratings. Then puberty comes and completely blows your mind.
— If a problem is already visible in elementary school, how can it be solved?
- You can decide, but there is not always someone to do it. A competent teacher, of course, will be able to awaken a spark of curiosity in his student, but now everyone is more focused on indicators rather than on the process. The process of cognition has no result, it is valuable in itself, this is how precious experience is gained that cannot be measured in any way.
Teenagers.
unsplash.com
What to do if Mom doesn’t understand anything?
Hello Polina.
Honestly, I don’t know how to return the mother she was, it’s not in our power. And since it is impossible to turn back time, the only thing you can do is change your attitude to the situation and what really depends on you. For example, you are already old enough to live separately from your mother. She told you about this in fits of anger, but you did not perceive this as an opportunity to change your life, but rather, on the contrary, you held on to your usual way of life with all your might. And then there was the need for care for my grandmother, which seemed like a significant reason. But in fact, everyone in this life is responsible for themselves, there is no point in doing something for the sake of others, in the hope that they will appreciate it. Either you do it because it’s important to you (and it doesn’t matter what others say about it), or you don’t do it - and this will be more honest than dragging everything and everyone on yourself, expecting others to rethink something, They will come to their senses and thank you.
A person is born to realize the potential inherent in him. Potential is our aspirations and desires, since they are born in us, then we have the resources and the opportunity to realize them. Hence the question for you: what of YOUR desires and aspirations have you realized, or at least on the way to realizing them?
The fact that they tried for the family is good, but there is a limit to everything. If grandmother's pension was enough for this, then these resources could be distributed differently. But most likely, you needed it more than she needed it. Be that as it may, you gained some experience, but I’m not sure that you benefited from it, since you continue to save and support everyone.
The guy probably tried to reason with you, but he realized that it was hopeless. You have taken on the role of a parent and are playing it conscientiously. Take, for example, the fact that you bought her 3 phones over the past years. Only children who are truly the biggest egoists can behave so irresponsibly, and this is normal up to a certain age. But by your behavior as a parent, you only aggravate the situation, even if it seems to you that you are acting very nobly.
At the same time, I hope that the time has come when you began to understand that you can’t do this anymore. That's why we wrote here. It's time to remember that you are a daughter, not a mother (or father) and take care of your life, and mom, in turn, will have no choice but to start changing her life. If she chooses to leave everything as it is and not change anything, give her this right, after all, this is her life and it’s certainly not for you to teach her what’s right and what’s wrong. Your task is to build your boundaries. What I can do and make me happy, I do and help, where I feel anger, pain and aggression - that’s what I express, without trying to endure and please my mother.
If you move, you will have more free time to devote to yourself. To do this, you need to know what you will fill it with, so as not to return again to the beaten path of the role of a parent that you so loved.
Therefore, start getting to know yourself, think about your goals for the near future and draw up a step-by-step action plan.
Read the books by Bodo Schaefer “Laws of Winners”, Dmitry Trotsky “PokaYaneYa”, Michael Roach and other authors and coaches. And most importantly, don’t delay, start right now!
If you want to talk in more detail, write, I will definitely answer. I believe in you and your strength!
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Grades and depression
- But nevertheless, school grades exist. And not all parents and children respond adequately to them.
- An assessment is needed. But for a student to adequately perceive it, many conditions are needed. If parents are focused on performance indicators and do not take into account the child’s capabilities (especially when they themselves have problems with self-esteem), he very quickly understands: Mom and Dad remain very significant in my life, but I am not able to meet their expectations.
The so-called learned helplessness is formed. If I, making every possible and impossible effort, cannot achieve the desired result, then I will simply lie on the floor, whine and not lift a finger to do anything. And this is a normal reaction when you cannot meet any demands.
This is the cause of early childhood depression, which is becoming more and more common. And in the end we get a child in complete despair who yells: “It would be better if you didn’t give birth to me!” - and threatens to throw himself out the window.
Teenagers.
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As a psychologist, I have big questions for parents in these cases. Let's deal with your anxiety and your overall picture of the world. We don’t need to do anything with the child, we need to “rebuild” you. What did you do to make him cope with the requirements?
Roughly speaking, the child was spoon-fed and his mouth wiped all his life, now he is seven years old and he suddenly hears: “Why didn’t you wash the dishes?” And he didn’t even know that this was necessary. You cannot wait for something to be done on demand that was previously done as if by itself.
- “I got a bad mark, and now my mother will stop loving me” - how to survive such fear?
— Whether my mother loves me or not is the key question. And this is exactly how it stands for children in any situation. If a mother has an attitude: “I still love my child, no matter what,” then it is transmitted directly, regardless of what the mother says. The child understands this very well: I brought a bad mark, my mother will be unhappy, but will not stop loving me. This child will not slip into depression. There must be a feeling of need for parents.
My mother does not understand me and constantly reproaches me for everything.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I decided to turn to you for help, since I have no one to talk to about a painful topic - about my mother. The whole point is that she doesn’t understand me at all and doesn’t support me in anything. I tried to establish a relationship with her, shared my innermost thoughts, but in the end I did not receive her support and, on top of that, I only heard contempt on her part. For example, even the other day I told her that I think I’m going to the wrong university, that the education of an economist is not for me. I would like to connect my life either with television, or with the filming of series (to take part in this process), something like that. To which I heard the following reaction: “Where should you go to such and such a faculty! You can’t even write a basic article! You are not a pushy person. You’re modest and you can’t find a common language with people.” (although this is not true). You see, this is so offensive! Why does she think this way about me? All the time she claims that I am no good! That I can’t achieve anything in life! That I seem to be an empty place in this life. That I have no guts for everything! But why???
Another problem we have is that she divorced her father and married another man a couple of years ago. Now we all live together. I have a little sister. Everything seemed to be fine. But no! My mother always doesn’t like the way I speak, think, joke, etc. Constantly telling me on the sly from my stepfather: “At least think about what you’re saying! You look like some kind of underdeveloped person! What a stupid person you are, just like your father.” Well, understand, everyone has their own jokes, their own gags, their own concept of humor. But I joke normally, I don’t say anything immoral or contemptuous towards her or anything else, but for my mother this is something abnormal. I constantly say or do something wrong. Attempts to establish relations with her have already ended. I don't want to try anything with her anymore. Enough. It's all down the drain.
Sometimes I don’t even pay attention to her words, to her insults. But sometimes I can’t stand it anymore and just explode like a volcano.
I even tried to talk to her about how she doesn’t support me and doesn’t understand that this shouldn’t be done. To which she answers me: “I always support you! Who else but me? you just don't appreciate me! Your friends are more valuable to you than me.”
You know, that’s probably already the case. I love my friends more than her. I would rather share some joy or sorrow with them than with my mother.
Give some advice on how to behave with her or what to do. I’m just tired of her eternal reproaches for everything. Thank you!
Question author: Lesya Age: 19
