To give birth or not to give birth?
MOLDOVENII.MD
The birth of a child is always a real miracle and great joy. But today “this joy” is increasingly postponed until “later”, or even abandoned altogether. What is the reason and why do many people increasingly begin to think about the question “to give birth or not” before giving an answer?
Some statistics Currently, according to sociological surveys, the majority of Russian youth are convinced that there should be two or three children in a family. 15 percent of newlyweds would like to have one child, 66 percent – two children, 17 percent – three children. In reality, everything turns out to be somewhat different. For quite a long period of time in Russia they have been talking about a decline in the birth rate. According to statistics, more than 50% of Russian families have one child, and only about 9% have three or more children. And the mortality rate is 70% higher than the birth rate. If such dynamics continue, according to forecasts, by 2020 the population of Russia will decrease to 123 million people, and by 2050 the population of Russia will range from 83 to 115 million people. According to VTsIOM data in 2008, Russian residents believe that the causes of demographic problems are: low standard of living, high prices (20%), low child benefits (19%). 17% complain about an insufficient number of child care institutions, 13% complain about poor medical care. 8% consider housing a significant problem, 7% each consider paid medicine, education, expensive kindergartens, treatment, and baby food. Less often, Russians point to unemployment and a lack of attention from the state (4% each), and the problem of homelessness (3%). The list of problems of motherhood and childhood is completed by alcoholism (1%) and bureaucracy (0.4%).
European gait...
Our country today is following the path of the European model of family building. The age of marriage is increasing, as is the age of having a first child. For example, in 1993, women gave birth to their first child at 21.5 years old, in 2003 - already at 23 years old. For comparison: in most European countries, the majority of women give birth to their first child between the ages of 24-29 years. Statistics indicate that Russian women today are increasingly becoming mothers after 24 years of age. In particular, in the Novosibirsk region, the age of women giving birth to their first child has increased by 5-7 years. If recently giving birth to your first child at 25-28 years old was considered late, today this is becoming the norm.
stumbling block
Why has the age limit for having a child moved so much? Many are of the opinion that young people today put career and material values at the forefront. On the one hand, this is justified, since the financial basis for the birth of a child is simply necessary. On the other hand, carefully planning their lives and the speed of their career advancement, young people forget to include a child in their calculations, and when they remember about him, it is often too late.
"Child Free"
But if some people put off having a child, explaining this by financial insolvency or psychological unpreparedness for the birth of a baby, others directly state that we don’t want to have children at all.
(Childfree or “free from children” are people who consciously refuse to have children for various reasons: fear of responsibility, reluctance to change their usual lifestyle, and sacrifice their time, money, social status and personal freedom, due to the perception of children solely in the focus of irritation and hostility, etc. The “childfree” movement appeared in the early 90s in the USA. In our country there are no statistics of those who voluntarily refused to procreate. Just like and there is no official childfree community). Psychologists believe that the majority of so-called childfree people have or have had problems with parents or other adults who influenced their choices; they are childish and have an excessive ego that gives rise to many discussions, opinions and a wide variety of emotions: from support to public censure. Some recognize in such people an expression of personal freedom, others recognize extreme egocentrism and deviation from normal behavior.
So after all – to give birth or not to give birth? We talked with readers about this difficult and delicate topic and here are the opinions we heard.
Svetlana, 25 years old: Children are in the way!!! and why is there so little talk about this?! After all, it is clear as day. You can't give birth! It's better to get yourself a turtle or a cat. I calculated how much money is needed for a child under one year old. So this amount is 25 thousand rubles! Where can I get them if my husband and I get 30 between us? I don’t want to give birth to a child only for him to end up among ill-mannered, aggressive, evil people in 15-20 years. I don’t want to give birth to ensure a decent old age. I want to give birth only if the baby has something to feed him, something to dress him in, and a place to live with him! My friends already have one-year-old, three-year-old and five-year-old children. Some gave birth while studying at the institute, others a little later. I look at them in horror! There are no gardens, grandmothers cannot sit, there is no money for nannies. They don’t go anywhere, they’re in a bad mood all the time, they don’t even have enough money for a manicure! Some acquaintances have already separated and are left with a “dowry in their hands.” Children are pulled, shouted at... Well, no! I don't want to live like this.
Lena, 27 years old, designer: Honestly, my first desire to answer this question was to say the word - NO!!! And there are many explanations for this. Government policy in words promotes the birth of children, but in reality everything is against us, young mothers. My son is four years old. I remember the first years simply with a shudder. Then I turned from a cheerful girl into a driven, exhausted horse, I constantly did not get enough sleep, I even had difficulty talking. My husband also helped me with everything... What if a woman raises a child alone?! I love my Antoshka, but I will not give birth to a second one under any circumstances!
Marina, 24 years old, manager: I really want to have three children! It seems to me that the children will be interested in playing together, and it will be easier for us to educate them. But I can’t afford it yet. My mother calms me down and promises to help me with the baby. But I’m still not sure that my husband and I will be able to support a little one. What to do? - Don't know. For now we just live for ourselves.
Tatyana Mikhailovna , deputy shop manager: I have two children. Thank God that I managed to give birth to them a long time ago. The daughter is 27, and the son is 21. Now I would not dare to do this. My daughter and her husband still don’t even think about having a child. They're just scared! My son-in-law will not be able to support our family; my husband and I will have to help. That is, I can’t leave work, but who will sit? Probably, from the point of view of big politics, our country needs new workers, but from our philistine point of view, we should wait as long as possible with children and prepare properly for their birth!
Svetlana, 28 years old, housewife: Of course, give birth! There is no need to be afraid of anything. My grandmother says: “A family without a child is like a cart without wheels.” Our daughter is 2.5 years old. My husband and I and all our numerous relatives simply adore her! She is so beautiful and smart! I'm going to "sit" with Polinka until school. I plan to work part-time as a trainer in the evening. I learned it specially. In general, I like working at home. I manage to do everything, my husband is very happy. Seeing and raising a little loved one next to you is the most wonderful job in the world!
Irina, 27 years old, salon director: Of course, give birth! But only if there is a conscious decision to have a full-fledged family. Most often, a modern woman has a strong desire to have children by the age of 30, when she has the foundation, life experience, etc. In my opinion, it used to be easier for young people to give birth. Now this is becoming a real test for a young family. Therefore, you should thoroughly prepare for childbirth, save money, buy real estate, and read books about parenting.
Man, about 35, did not introduce himself: I don’t want to have children. For what? So that in old age someone would give you the proverbial glass of water? I live a wonderful life - I travel, realize myself in my favorite business, meet different interesting people. And a child is a limitation of your time and space, a limitation of opportunities. Huge responsibility, dedication and continuous responsibilities. I love freedom and wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Marina, 29 years old, librarian: Children have always been born, even in more difficult times. I think that if a woman wants a child, then no difficulties will stop her. I have two children: the eldest goes to kindergarten, and I am on maternity leave with the youngest. Of course, it’s not always easy with them, but the joy they give is incommensurable with anything. In my opinion, women who do not have children due to some circumstances are deeply unhappy.
Today we are following the Western path of development; young people are postponing having children “for later.” And he approaches this issue more thoughtfully and consciously. However, there is no trend towards having many children. People strive to give their child a quality education, good clothes and shoes. And when there are many children in a family, it is more difficult to give them the same things at the highest level. That’s why they stop at one, well, in extreme cases, two kids.
Nadezhda Alekseevna, seller: Oh, what are you talking about! Now many young people have no time for children at all. They live for themselves, without thinking about tomorrow. Discos, clubs, parties. Advancement up the career ladder again... They have no time for that. Of course, this is a personal matter for everyone, but I am convinced that it is not worth putting off the birth of a child. I have one couple I know who all wanted to wait until better times, but in the end there is no child, and no family as such. This is not a family, without children, I think so. The role of parents is the most important thing in life. And, of course, we have to give birth, otherwise we will all die out like mammoths (laughs).
Stanislav, 30 years old, technologist: Currently in our country it is not profitable to give birth and raise, no matter how primitive this word may sound. Life is difficult now, there is no stability in almost anything. People understand this and are in no hurry to have a child, at least until they are firmly on their feet. On the one hand, this is quite rational, but it takes years to build a material base, and time cannot be turned back. What if the decision to have a baby turns out to be a little late? Will not then the man and woman bitterly regret it? Everyone must decide for themselves what is more important to them.
A group of students about 20 years old, studying at NSTU: Of course, give birth! But everything has its time. We first want to finish our studies, find a good job, and get back on our feet financially. How else? In modern life, you should rely only on yourself, on your own strengths.
Nadezhda, 25 years old, HR manager: I now have an interesting job and unlimited opportunities to realize my dreams, various plans and projects. I can’t afford to miss this time, so I don’t plan to have a baby yet. It seems to me that many young people first strive to get on their feet, gain financial independence, and only then “grow” with offspring. And they are right. It is better if the decision to have a child is conscious and carefully weighed.
Elvira, 27 years old, cosmetologist: I’m married, no children yet. But my relatives put a lot of pressure on me, it seems like I’m already at the age when it’s “necessary.” But I don’t want to give birth simply because “it’s time,” I’m not ready for this. It’s a stereotype that by the time you’re 30, you simply have to give birth to a child. This is some kind of stupidity... But in general, of course, you need to give birth, life without children is insipid and boring, and in general, this is no longer a family. Although... not everyone thinks so. I have one friend, she is the so-called childfree - “free from children.” A child is not included in her life plans. Strange choice. But I don't blame her. As they say - to each his own.
Alexey, 35 years old, manager: You need to give birth, but only when you are completely ready for it. Ready not in the age sense, but in the sense of “maturity of consciousness.” In other words, young people must understand that having a child is a huge responsibility, and “playing back” will no longer be possible. In Europe, children are born after thirty. And this is probably correct, since the choice is already more mature and thoughtful. In my opinion, the most important thing in the matter of family planning is the relationship between a man and a woman. How long-lasting, strong, and trusting they are.
Margarita, 29 years old, lawyer: I gave birth to a child without being mentally prepared for it. I realized this only later. And before that, motherhood was a kind of ephemeral concept, and I did not realize the full essence of it. Although at that time I was 25 years old - quite a mature age. But, apparently, each person has a different period of growing up. I had a child, and I was still a little girl myself. It's a paradox, isn't it? I would like to summarize all of the above: give birth, but only when you are confident in your moral competence. Even the financial base is not as important as psychological, spiritual readiness for motherhood/fatherhood. You may never mature - this also happens. First you get an education, then you build a career, develop, acquire social roles, but there is no main role. Mother's roles. Therefore, I am of the opinion that you should have your first child before the age of 30. Then there is a high probability of not making up your mind. In general, this is a topic that can be discussed endlessly: to give birth or not? when to give birth? how many children should there be in a family? I just want to add that my family ideally consists of two children: a boy and a girl. But I’m somehow undecided about the second one. Bye…
Daria Illarionovna: I recently learned that there is such a childfree movement in the world - a conscious refusal to bear children. And it turns out that in our country there are more and more adherents of this movement. At first I thought it was crazy, and then I thought about it... Unfortunately, the history of our country is such that the question of whether to give birth or not to give birth has never been raised - of course, to give birth! They gave birth because there was simply no other option, then they gave birth because medicine was not up to par, then the war - it was necessary to make up for the demographic gap. And only in the mid-50s it became possible to “control” pregnancy - abortions were officially permitted. The number of children in families has decreased sharply. This means that even then people, albeit unconsciously, began to meet this movement halfway. My childbearing period fell on the “Soviet era”. And we were not afraid to give birth at “that” time. I knew for sure that my child would be welcome, that work would “wait for me,” and that my child would go to kindergarten. Today, unfortunately, the picture is different. Young people first strive to “get on their feet” - get an education, make a career, or simply acquire a profession in demand. And this sometimes lasts for years. And now you are already over 30. It seems that you can give birth. But... So many temptations! I also want to build a cottage, and go to Thailand, and buy a prestigious car... What if you lose your job... Oh, come on, these children! I noticed this fact: intelligent faces, that is, faces with signs of intelligence on their faces, have disappeared. There are no more handsome men at all, but there are still women. For now... All signs of the degeneration of the nation! Well, what kind of children can they give birth to? Entire groups and correction classes have appeared in kindergartens and schools. And in my time there were 2-3 people per school.
Having a child means forgetting about yourself for many years and belonging only to this little person. Not every woman today is ready to sacrifice her well-being or live in constant worry for the life and fate of her child. I just want to remind you: “old age” is longer than youth. The time will come when trips abroad will no longer be so enjoyable, and friends who have children will move away. And loneliness will set in, and universal melancholy and resentment will fall... on oneself, on men, on the state. I do not encourage women to give birth; moreover, in the name of the law, I would prohibit many of them from doing so. Just before you dare to do such an act, think a hundred times whether you are ready to give him everything he needs, whether he will become the cause of failures in your personal life, whether you will be able to raise a real citizen for our society. As I write, I look at the photograph of my grandson. Lord, thank you for existing!
Contrary to everything, modern young people for the most part take a much more serious and responsible approach to the issue of having children. Many people want to first achieve a decent level of well-being, arrange their lives, and only then have offspring. Girls and boys believe that in the “children's issue” the maturity and consciousness of future parents is very important. Indeed, if a person is still a child inside himself, does not know how and does not want to make adult decisions and take responsibility for his actions, then what kind of children does he need!? According to young people, it is not worth repeating the European model of family development with its increasing age at the birth of the first child. It is very important to set your priorities correctly and not stop at the last moment in order to have time to jump on the “running train” of time.
The survey was not without some categorical statements. Especially those who are completely satisfied with “life for themselves.” There are such people, and there are many of them. It’s just that for them the birth of a child is not the highest value, and they find joy in something else. To summarize in the words of one of the respondents – “to each his own.”
A child means a lot of responsibilities and a minimum of freedom. This is a choice that is sometimes so difficult to decide on. And this is undoubtedly an “expensive pleasure”.
An elderly and wise woman put an end to our survey. The woman smiled with only her eyes and said quietly: “Children in the house are God in the soul!” Girls, don't be afraid of anything! Give birth and live happily! If God doesn’t give you a child, take someone else’s and raise him.”
Victoria Miroshnichenko, Vasilisa Vashchenko
Source l-navigator.ru
photo alexstudio.lv
There are no tears.
I don’t even know where to start, I decided to write to you, because I understand that it will be very difficult to get out of where I ended up. The situation is complicated, I will try to tell everything as it is. I’m 35 years old, I got married quite late at the age of 26, out of great love, I really wanted a child, I was the happiest in the world, gave birth to a son a year later, we lived with my parents, my husband didn’t have a good relationship with his mother-in-law, he turned out to be selfish, maybe of course if they had lived separately, there would have been no separation, he didn’t have enough courage, and he probably didn’t have enough responsibility, in short, I became pregnant with my second child and he refused everything, if you want to give birth, it means a divorce, that’s the ultimatum he gave me, and he forgot about love and about everything in the world, he packed his things and left, leaving me pregnant with my two-year-old son, my parents were on a business trip, there was no one close to me in a foreign city (I was born in Tashkent), completely alone. My parents, of course, helped me financially, and my friends were nearby, but everyone had their own families, there was no way to save me all the time, I had an abortion, which of course I really regret now, I went through the abortion terribly, thanks to our doctors in consultations, maybe this I was just unlucky, I lost 16 kg, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I only saw him during the divorce, he filed for it himself. Then endless days began, I drove cars and sold them at the market, my parents helped, fortunately we had an apartment, my parents arrived, I returned to my old job, threw myself into it, but continued to love him, I couldn’t even be angry with him, I allowed him to communicate with the child, because I understand that the son must have a father, no matter who he is. Of course, I suffered when he came for the child not alone, cried, gave her flowers in front of me, and mood swings, constantly hurt me as a child, I tried to pull myself together and leave our personal relationship, learn to communicate normally, for our child, so that he don’t hurt, that’s how I lived. If you remember more than a year ago, there was a severe flood in Krymsk, in our Krasnodar Territory, my ex-husband is from this city, I rushed to help, of course, purely as a human being, I felt sorry for my mother-in-law, a huge misfortune, I could not help but react, he was of course very grateful , everyone was just shocked that we were getting closer, but since I had been alone for so long, they didn’t know how to help me, but again the same rake, I stepped on him, he didn’t plan anything serious, but I was impressed. And again suffering, again depression, why? how could he? Some time passed and I met a man at work. Which turned my whole life upside down. All my ideas, values, so he took me away from everyone, so I fell in love with myself, although of course I really needed it, and I asked for love such that I would forget my previous feelings. I'll try to tell you more. The man is the owner of the organization with which I worked, that is, he was our supplier, I knew him for a long time, I worked as a hired director. We are both from Central Asia, he is from Kazakhstan. I came to buy goods sometimes, we met, talked about so many common topics, something happened, but there was a circumstance that stopped me, he was married. He invited me to dinners, like fellow countrymen to talk, then he began to entice me to work with him, the field of activity was the same, then he fell in love and of course we would no longer be able to work together. I resisted the feeling for a long time, and a person is not free, but he simply forced me to fall in love, of course, I surrendered to these feelings completely and completely. I was so happy, he was strong, courageous, after so many years of loneliness, I felt that I was needed, that he was thinking about me, caring, so many plans had been made. He came in at seven, called my mother mom, father, dad, went to a meeting with my son, called him his wife, and we’ll finish building the house, but at the same time I understood that I didn’t want to destroy the family, he also has a son there, he’s the same age as me and his wife too Sveta, it's just a nightmare. It seems that we agreed that there are parties that we do not touch upon, we began to live, after work he comes to me, weekends there, he left late from me, he lives 50 km from the city. I began to recognize him, he turned out to be a complex, demanding man, with an oriental upbringing, but I accepted it because I know what it is. Man is God and master. We excluded male friends from the very beginning, we eliminated female friends. I left work because he thought that there was nothing to do there and everything would soon fall apart, I agreed, then he began to insist that I stay at home, then I said that I couldn’t not work, I would lose myself completely, they began to think about what to do, there were a couple of proposals for work, but didn’t let me go. There were breakups, he reconsidered the relationship, how difficult it was, Lord, there were so many things, I completely rebuilt myself for him, went to constellations with Veselago, even the constellation was his, asked “to feel close to him, to find myself,” and as a result he was looking for his father , I went through so much, I was so afraid of losing him, sorry for the confusion. As a result, he sharply reconsidered the relationship in two days, saying that I could not be happy when he was in another family and I could not survive it, that I deserved the best, that I was strong, everything would be fine and he would always help me , well, stay friends too. I certainly didn’t expect such betrayal. Of course, deep down in my heart, I understood the relationship with a married man. always end in separation, but I had hope. I didn’t want to take him away from the family, and I didn’t need it, I just loved him very much, like no one else before, I physically felt it, I flew next to him. And after so many years of loneliness, she found her love, she was ready to endure everything just to be there, she accepted everything, even tyranny at times. He demanded complete trust, only 200%; all your thoughts are mine, everything in your head, you are mine. I opened a company, I sell his goods, that is, my whole life is tied to him, no matter where you turn your head, he is everywhere, we communicate at work, and after that I pick myself up piece by piece, because I have nowhere to go, loans, rent, salaries for employees, and I have questions: why get under your skin like that if you then reconsider all relationships in two days. I didn’t want to live, my son, my parents and financial despair. Phew, I hope you understood something from my letter, and you got some kind of picture. I understand the gravity of the moral aspect that aggravates my situation, that is, a relationship with a married man. But my heart beat, I lived, my soul sang and there was spring, a feeling of happiness when he was nearby. And now periodic breakdowns destroy his communication and control of work. My dad works for him too. how to live further, I know what I need to do. I really want to get rid of the painful feeling of love, betrayal, I understand that the reason is in me, because this is not the first time I’ve broken up, I’ve been abandoned, I want to change something in myself in order to be happy. I want to get married, have a daughter and be happy with my man. Who will always be with me and will not betray me. And I want to ask you if your course will help me in my difficult situation. I will be very grateful. Waiting for an answer.
Svetlana.
