This article is part of the Auto-da-Fé project. In it we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deception and fraud. If you have encountered something similar, share your stories in the comments.
Julia Hill
Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.
Do you know how a plane takes off? It overcomes gravity using its resources - engine thrust. Then the earth lets him go. Everything else is the skill of the pilot and the serviceability of the vessel. That is, one relaxes, the other rules. Both are in the physical field, influencing each other in a certain way, but under ideal conditions no one destroys anyone.
Growing up is a similar process. It is also mutual and requires psychological maturity both from the parents to fearlessly give a kick and say “Fly!”, and from the child, who, moving by inertia for some time, must grab the steering wheel. If I am maturing, my mother and father must also mature with me in order to move the relationship from the “child-parent” position to the “adult-adult” position.
Not all parents are ready to let their children fly freely and transfer responsibility for life to them. And not all children understand that the reason for many failures in life is that they do not fly, but are still attached to their elders by an invisible umbilical cord.
Those who have known the joy of parenthood, of course, will now say that a child is always a child: at three years old, at 15, and at 45. And I want to give him the best, to protect him from caries, low scores on the Unified State Exam, renovation and inflation. .
But no, you can be a son and daughter at three, and at 15, and at 45, but you cannot be a child at 45.
There is a huge difference between care and guardianship. Caring is what demonstrates our love and concern. We remain close and open, but this is not a relationship between a child and parents, but between two adults. We do not break through the fence to take you by the collar and poke your nose into happiness, but politely knock and offer help. And a person has the right to accept it or refuse.
Guardianship implies comprehensive participation in the life of someone who cannot yet take care of himself and does not know how to make decisions. This is a system of relationships in which parents protect the child from any difficulties, entrusting the satisfaction of all his needs to themselves. As an adult, guardianship can be suffocating.
When is it time to be wary?
You find it difficult to say “no”
You often lament: “It would be better if I did what I thought was necessary.” But at the same time, it’s difficult for you to insist on your own - with your parents, boss, neighbors, plumber. It is you who easily sells expensive nonsense like unnecessary cosmetics or a massager for the car, it is you who will always agree to work on Saturday for a simple human thank you, it is from you that the other half will be able to twist the ropes.
You are angry, indignant, irritated, but you cannot refuse. And even if you try to resist, then you still do what you were asked to do. After all, those around you do not take your “no” seriously, and they consider attempts to refuse as just whims.
Why is this happening
The inability to say “no” is often associated with childhood experiences when your feelings were manipulated, and your desires and needs were not taken into account: “Listen, otherwise I won’t love you,” “Do as you’re told,” “If you’re naughty, the old woman will take you away.” .
As a result, the scenario is set that the word “no” is bad and threatens your safety: you will lose your reputation as a “good” son or daughter, employee, person and will be left alone. Agreeing means guaranteeing that you will be loved.
When it's important to be good to everyone, you can't count on yourself because your self-worth is based on the opinions of others. You rely on authority figures, parental figures, and trust their opinions more than yourself. You do not have your own support, and it is this that allows you not to get lost in difficult situations.
You often act in such a way as not to upset your parents
Go to a job you don't like because your mother thinks it's good. Don't divorce your husband because your parents say the family should be complete. You are not buying a BMW with acceleration to 100 km/h in 5 seconds, but a Volkswagen, which fits your mother’s seedlings perfectly.
Why is this happening
Your parents often compared you to other children, and the outcome was not in your favor. Moral teachings were accompanied by exclamations about “how hard it was for you,” “how much effort and money they invested in you,” “how you gave your father a heart attack with your antics.” If your grandfather was a professor, and your grandmother spoke six languages, and you got a D in algebra, it’s a big deal. The project called “Our Child” was bursting at the seams.
In fact, your parents blamed you for being born and not meeting their expectations. It may not have been said directly, but it was implied.
As an adult, you continue to atone for this guilt, and every action you take has a mandatory condition: do not upset mom and dad, do not disgrace your family.
You cannot answer the question “Where is my home?”
You have no personal territory. Even if you live separately from your parents, mom always has the keys. She can arrive in the morning without warning with pies, walk into the bedroom without knocking, or rearrange your T-shirts as she sees fit. As a result, you constantly feel out of place.
This feeling of restlessness extends to other areas of life. For example, you refuse a good job out of fear of not being able to cope, or you don’t dare approach a girl because you think: “I won’t cope.”
Why is this happening
This usually happens in families living in the myth “We are a friendly family.” Behind the facade of such a family, unspoken conflicts are often hidden: it is customary to express only positive feelings, everything else is repressed. From the outside, this looks ideal: everyone loves each other, acts together, supports family traditions, no one criticizes anyone.
The external boundaries of the “friendly family” are closed, strangers are not allowed here, but at the same time, everyone’s personal boundaries are unceremoniously attacked. It is believed that a family cannot keep secrets from each other, so relatives do not hesitate to enter a room without knocking or come to visit without warning, arrange cleaning, arrange furniture and put things away with the sauce “I am acting in your interests.”
If one of the members strives for independence, he is designated a traitor, made guilty, condemned, so that in the end he begins to seem restless and inadequate to himself. The split that forms within the family becomes its internal split, in which joy is mixed with melancholy, and self-pride with shame.
Juliana
After our wedding, my husband and I started living with his parents. There is a large apartment and a convenient location. In our room there was a closet where there were towels - kitchen and bath. For the whole family. Why they couldn’t have been moved to another room when we moved, I don’t know. When I was young, I was afraid to object: it was awkward, I wanted to please everyone.
My dear mother-in-law would come into our room at any time without knocking and dive into the closet to get her towels. Then I caught her rummaging through our things. She began to make excuses, saying that we were always at work, and she wanted to help us. And then she told her husband what a bad housewife I was, that his things were lying haphazardly, unwashed and wrinkled.
I also once asked my husband to vacuum the bed in our room. As soon as he turned on the vacuum cleaner, his mother-in-law rushed into the room shouting: “He has asthma!” For some reason, she always believed that her husband was asthmatic, although he was simply allergic. She grabbed the equipment from her hands and started vacuuming herself.
In general, they ended up getting divorced. True, they managed to give birth to two children. But she did everything to ensure that we broke up. Even when we moved out, I called and told my husband what a bad mother, housewife, and wife I was, and he was a handsome man who would always find something better.
You find yourself in ridiculous situations in which you find yourself helpless
Superstitious people would assume an evil eye or a curse. But in fact, you are unconsciously creating situations in your life in which you desperately need the support of your parents. You put your wallet in your pocket and lose your last money, you try to break up a fight and they take you to the police station, you fail a project and get fired from work, you break your leg, you drop out of university. And very often it is difficult for you to answer the question: “How does this happen?”
Why is this happening
When children grow up and leave their father’s home, the “empty nest” stage begins in the life of the family. Parents feel a sense of uselessness. In families where a child has played the role of a connecting link in marital relationships for many years, a void forms between husband and wife. Previously, they were raising children and did not pay attention to each other. Now it turns out that they have no other relationship and it is pointless to continue living together. The couple finds themselves on the verge of divorce.
And then this matured child, like a good son or daughter, unconsciously begins to save his parents from separation and play the role of a family stabilizer. When misadventures happen to him, mom and dad stop arguing with each other and unite in the name of saving him. They again have common goals and find something to talk about. So the child, by creating problems, helps the parents save the marriage.
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Your personal life is not going well
Life with parents becomes unbearable. You, trying to protect yourself from their influence and win independence, find a partner with whom you want to create a family that is not like your parents’. The companion is chosen contrary to the expectations of mom and dad, in order to once again emphasize the right to independence. This then becomes the reason for divorce.
Why is this happening
You started living on your own early because it became impossible to coexist with your parents. Relationships with them are still filled with tension and anxiety. You are separated physically, but emotionally you are still firmly connected. These emotions can be with a minus sign, the main thing is that they exist and there are many of them: resentment, hostility, pity, disappointment, jealousy, indignation.
And then everything you do, you do not for yourself, but in order to prove your independence to your parents.
There is a hidden generational struggle that leaves no room for other emotionally rich connections and continues to draw you into the parental family like a funnel. In this situation, you remain first and foremost a son or daughter, and only then a spouse.
With a high probability, during a period of increasing tension, you will choose the same tactics with your partner and run away to a “new life.” That is, constantly repeating unfinished relationships with parents, trying to complete them in another union.
Olga
I was raised very strictly. It was forbidden to come later than 21:00, to go out with boys, or to stay with a friend overnight. You could only study and read books. Of course, I still walked and kissed, but secretly. I remember when I was already 18, my mother found birth control pills in my bag. Someone else would have been happy, but I just had a hell of a scandal. Even my father came running from the kitchen and spluttered: how could I, I disgraced the family.
She got married early, just to escape from her parents. She gave birth to a child, but in the end, while she was still pregnant, she separated from her husband. Mom was happy. And she actively began to participate in my life, right down to how I should dress and what to eat, how to feed my child, how to raise my child, and so on.
Naturally, I began to arrange my personal life and meet men. One day I left my phone on charge and went for a walk with my son. When I arrive, my mother is reading the correspondence on her phone. And again a scandal: who needs you with a child, no one will take you, you will ruin your son’s life, men are more important to you, but they only need one thing from you, now fatherlessness is growing. We had a fight. We haven't communicated since then.
She calls sometimes and asks about her grandson, but I have limited any physical contact. I want to get married again and raise my son the way I see fit, not my parents. I am happy that I live separately and do not depend on them financially.
Your child does not recognize your authority
He speaks in an imperious tone, does not react to comments, calls him by name, and with all his appearance says: “You won’t do anything to me anyway.”
Almost every parent faces the problem of disobedience. The psyche of a child differs from the psyche of an adult: he studies the world on an intuitive level and needs authority on which to rely in an incomprehensible situation. Based on the reactions of his parents, he learns the rules of behavior and learns to limit his desires.
When mom and dad set some boundaries, and grandparents set others, the child recognizes the authority of the one who is stronger. Moreover, he understands the hierarchy in the family by non-verbal signs. For example, his mother often lashes out at him, causing her to feel guilty and eventually gives in, while her grandmother talks calmly and pampers him. Conclusion: grandma is stronger, she knows how to cope with her emotions and keeps her word. Or the whole family is led by an imperious grandfather, his word is law, and the child ascribes authority to him.
Why is this happening
When mom and dad depend on their parents emotionally or financially, the child sees them as big children. The child observes how his parents behave like children: they act inconsistently, are capricious, and shift responsibility to the older generation. Very often, in such families, an intergenerational coalition is created: for example, a grandmother and grandson are “friends” against the educational measures of their parents.
You don't know what you want from life, and you've been searching for yourself for years
We dreamed of studying to be a sound engineer, but my dad said: “You can’t make money with music.” Engineers are at a premium now.” They wanted to become a journalist, but my mother said: “What kind of journalist are you? You can't put two words together. Go become a doctor, a family always needs a doctor.” You, like an obedient child, relying on the wisdom of your ancestors, go where you were told, but do not find happiness. As a result, you are dissatisfied with life, yourself, your parents, and apathy blossoms in place of your previous desires.
Why is this happening
Behavior is programmed by your parents, you follow their beliefs, and the world closes for you. When a person is guided not by his desires, but by external cues, an intrapersonal conflict arises - a state when you are torn from within by mutually exclusive “I must” and “I cannot.” Inner beliefs rooted in childhood sit very deeply and are sometimes not realized. They imperceptibly form the life scenario, and you act with an eye on the implemented postulates. At the same time, your “I” may experience completely different needs and have its own desires. From this, a constant conflict arises between the unconscious and consciousness.
“My parents interfere in my personal life”
Hello Alena! In life, it is rarely possible to solve problems “once and for all.” Some problems are resolved, others come. The world will always present us with tasks that need to be solved, be it achieving success at work or improving relationships with relatives. What we can do is breathe more evenly and believe that we can cope with this, believe in our strengths and capabilities.
Where do these forces come from? Alena, now, and always, you can take them from anywhere, help yourself. You wrote here, this is a good step for you. I respect your courage (after all, it’s not so simple: write about yourself and your problems, express them) and determination to find a way out. It's good for you to spend more time with friends who you feel give you strength. Be in places where you can get rest and feel alive and joyful again, for example, in nature or in places in the city where you like to walk. Remember that what seems impossible or unbearable to you now will look very different when you look back at these things and events in a few years.
If you are ready to see a psychologist, it would be very helpful for you. Not all psychologists are expensive. You could look for someone who charges a reasonable amount of money for you. Try not to try to solve everything at once, in one fell swoop. One problem is a feeling of self-doubt and guilt, a feeling of low self-esteem. All the above methods of “finding strength” apply here too; even the smallest steps are important here. Look for what you like about yourself and develop it. Ask your parents, your boyfriend, your friends - what are you like for them, why do they like to communicate with you? Write down their answers for yourself and try to compare them with how you see yourself.
Another problem is relationships with parents. Here you could try to be less demanding of them and show a little leniency. Your mother remembers you when you were little, and apparently your stepfather does too. Of course, they worry about you, seeing you take your first adult steps, steps in which they cannot protect you. They may not be able to put it into the right words and it may seem like they are reproaching you, but most likely there is real concern behind it. Ask your mother about your father and her experiences with men in general. Could it be that she is trying to protect you from what once happened to her? Alena, with all my heart I wish you to find peace with yourself.
How to deal with it all
The first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem. As doctors say, a correct diagnosis is the key to successful treatment.
Secondly, tell yourself: “Yes, I am ready to make independent decisions and take responsibility for them, even if it makes me feel bad at times.” To make it easier to cope, it would be good to find your own resources from which you can draw strength in any incomprehensible situation. And material ones too. Because claiming independence with your parents’ money is the same as running as fast as you can while remaining on a leash.
Thirdly, it is worth using auxiliary attitudes: “I am me, you are you”, “You are my father, I am your son. We are close people, but we are not one,” “You may not accept my choice, just as I may not accept yours, but each of us has the right to our own life and our own mistakes.”
And finally, boldly build personal boundaries in physical and psychological space. Do not tolerate or remain silent, but politely inform that it is impossible to enter your room, wash your underwear, or tidy up your dresser drawer, because you are already many years old. Have Valocordin and the ambulance number at hand, because mom will probably feel bad with her heart, and dad’s blood pressure will rise. Be patient, because you will have to mark your boundaries not just once, but a hundred or two hundred times. Be prepared to defend these boundaries if they are categorically not respected: put a lock on the door of the room, take away the keys to your apartment, set a password on your phone.
You are an adult, and it is an inalienable right not to allow other people to behave on your territory in a way that does not suit you. Even if these people are your parents.
