Why a man doesn't want to marry a woman or a guy doesn't want to marry a girl

Love and relationships

Reason No. 1. Fear of responsibility
Reason No. 2. Rumors
Reason No. 3. Bad example of parents
Reason No. 4. Financial issues
Reason No. 5. Division of real estate
Reason #6: Painful breakup

Marriage usually symbolizes love and the entry of two loving people into adulthood. But recently there has been a trend that an increasing number of men are trying to, if not avoid a wedding, then at least postpone it. Why is this happening? Psychologists are convinced that such representatives of the stronger sex are driven by fear, which is based on several reasons.

Reason No. 1. Fear of responsibility

Some young people have difficulty taking responsibility for their own lives, let alone the lives of their spouses and young children. They believe that when you are young you need to go out and have fun, and you can start a family at a more mature age. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is that they are afraid of losing their own freedom, which is quite reasonable: many women deprive their husbands of the right to choose, and they cease to be self-sufficient individuals after several years of marriage.

Important : marriage adds responsibility, but if it is divided equally between the spouses, married life will be even easier than a single existence.

In such a situation, the task of a woman who wants to encourage a young man to take a serious step comes down to showing that she is capable of helping him in any endeavor.

Reluctance to marry due to fear of responsibility

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You have been dating your boyfriend for long enough - long enough to understand: he is the one with whom you want to live your whole life, but the chosen one of your heart is in no hurry to propose. Why are men afraid of marriage, and what to do about it?

And now, you have long been eyeing the fluffy, lace or A-line wedding dresses that you have dreamed of since childhood. I just want to feel in such beauty that I am the happiest, the most tender and the only one. How to make your man understand this? In total, we can distinguish six main types of “stumbling block” - from a male point of view - on the path to marriage. 1. Parental relationships If your beloved experienced a divorce from his father and mother as a child, then his fear of starting his own family is well founded. Experts say: a child’s broken parental relationship inflicts powerful psychological trauma, under the influence of which his personality, behavior and the nature of contacts with the opposite sex are formed. In such cases, the baby almost always feels guilty, considering himself the reason that mom and dad no longer love each other, and, as a result, do not live together. The emerging complex, as we grow older, smoothly turns into a subconscious fear: “I will not be able to become a worthy spouse and a responsible family man.” The man is afraid of repeating the plot he saw in childhood, but only in his own family - and prefers not to tie himself with the knot of Hymen. 2. Unsuccessful marriage It can easily provoke fear of the registry office building. If your man’s reluctance to lead you down the aisle really lies in the disappointment received from the first bitter experience of family life, then the potential groom belongs to the category about which they say: “Blowing on water, having been burned on milk.” He is absolutely sure: the second and subsequent marriages will inevitably end in divorce, motivating this development of events with a learned axiom: “All of you women are the same...” The man whom you continually imagine as the father of your common child does not even have doubts about that that with you everything could be different, and it is almost impossible to dissuade your loved one of this. 3. The Frog Princess In your boyfriend’s mind, the concepts of you as a candidate for a spouse, “before” and “after” the marriage, are clearly distinguished. As you probably already guessed, he likes the first option much more than the second. Why? According to her beloved, a woman who is in a relationship with a man, not sealed with a stamp in her passport, shows sensitivity, care, attention and enviable patience to the antics of a person dear to her heart, since she pursues an important goal: to get married. After the ceremony, the newlywed, like Vasilisa the Wise from a fairy tale, dresses in a frog skin and takes her husband seriously: after a working day, she loads her with household chores to capacity, forbids him to have a glass or two of beer with friends and grumbles like an angry old woman about the beloved ones scattered throughout the house. spouse of things. The fear of the inevitable transformation of the woman he loves into a vixen forces a man to stay away from the topic of formalizing the relationship. 4. All or nothing! Living together, evidence of the seriousness of which is the ring on the ring finger of the right hand, can frighten a conscientious and truly loving person also because the latter sincerely wants to give the one and only the best, to provide comfort not only psychological, but also material - and financial opportunities for The implementation of the plan is still not enough. This is the most valid reason why a man delays the important moment of marriage. But this position is nothing more than a “double-edged sword.” What if circumstances, physical resources or other obstacles do not allow your man to achieve his goal, because one cannot discount, for example, the situation in the country, which can change overnight for the worse? And this can take a huge amount of time, and who would want to get married in the evening dawn of their beauty? And the children... they will remain an alluring dream, nothing more? Unfortunately, your man is young and ambitious, life seems incredibly long to him, and the anxious thoughts swarming in your pretty little head are unjustified worries. 5. Pioneer The beloved has many friends, and all of them have not yet managed to start a family. Maybe it’s not a matter of coincidence, then what is it? Probably everyone in your boyfriend's group is dating or living with a girl, but the decision to take such an important step as marriage is in its infancy or even a project. It is not surprising that the young man with whom you spend days and nights is not ready to propose to you, since in this case he will become the first among his friends and will lose the freedom that is so significant to him. Put yourself in the place of your loved one: imagine what it will be like for him to look with envy at the entertainment of his single friends, realizing that in the book of his life this page has already been turned - and the easy path to retreat has been cut off. Although it is possible that at the same time your loved one understands: starting a family is an inevitable stage that all full-fledged people go through sooner or later. 6. Hatred of traditions It can be subconscious or openly demonstrated. A loved one dislikes absolutely everything about a standard wedding: the decorous procession arm in arm with the bride into the wedding hall, the lisping of relatives and friends after the end of the ceremony mixed with congratulations, “sweet” smiles, tears, camera flashes, the ranting of the toastmaster at the festive table, “idiotic “contests for newlyweds, constant cries of “bitter!”, finally, the drunken voice of the accordion player and the disgusting appearance of many guests, at the end of the celebration, reclining their faces in the salad. If your chosen one is an extraordinary person, then his hostility to traditions is more than understandable. However, the solution to the problem in this case is easier to find than in other situations. But this is a completely different story.

Reason No. 2. Rumors

Many men, according to psychologists, admit that they are afraid of entering into a marriage because they have heard enough stories in which a man in family life turns into a fat and lazy creature who does not strive for anything . This is partly true; after getting married, a man relaxes, besides, he begins to abuse carbohydrate foods and stops taking care of his own body. This leads to excess weight and apathy.

But not all men become neglected in marriage. Some representatives of the stronger sex, on the contrary, begin to work better on themselves in order to win the attention and love of their wife.

In this case, the woman should show her partner successful examples of families so that he understands that not all marriages end in divorce

Why are modern men afraid to get married?

Lack of psychological readiness - passport age does not always correspond to spiritual and moral age. Accordingly, a teenager who is afraid to bear responsibility for his family may well live in the body of a forty-year-old man. Those men who in their youth were deprived of all the delights of teenage life, and now “catch up” for lost time, can also fall into this category;

Physical condition

Complexes of the physical type - in 90% of cases, all phobias associated with one’s own body and the opposite sex disappear after the start of regular sexual activity. But there are exceptions to every rule. A fully grown man can seriously shun women and run away from marriage due to long-standing psychological traumas and bad experiences;

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Status

Complexes about social status - not all guys aged 30+ can boast of a prestigious position and a wealthy life. That is why some of them have a permanent lover, but are in no hurry to propose. The reason is an established stereotype: you need to start a family when a person is completely on his feet financially. On the one hand, this is not without logic. But on the other hand, such prejudices can significantly “slow down” the registration of a relationship with a loved one. After all, not all married couples are fabulously rich. Life also does not stand still. There is no point in postponing happiness until tomorrow;

Why does an abuser “explode” over some little thing?

Liberty

Fear of losing their own freedom - many representatives of the stronger sex associate marriage with children. The guy immediately imagines that after their birth he will become a forced person, will not have the opportunity to realize his career ambitions, etc.;

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Uncertainty about your own choices

Uncertainty about one’s own choice - during romantic meetings, people can instantly break up if both are not satisfied with something. And after the marriage is registered, everything becomes more complicated. Quite often, guys hesitate to get married if they like a girl, but they are not sure whether they can tolerate her being around for the rest of their lives;

Responsibility

Fear of responsibility - a lonely person lives “for himself”. As for the spouses, they have common priorities and goals. Moreover, the man, as the breadwinner, has to take care of his wife and children. Some guys put off marriage until the last minute because they are afraid of being responsible for other people.

Eleven rules for a happy marriage

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In fact, what you should be afraid of is not marriage as such, but an alliance with an unsuitable person. If love, understanding and harmony reign in the relationship between husband and wife, then a compromise can always be found. And if a man marries a woman who does not value him, oppresses him and does not understand him, then in this case, existence will truly become like torture.

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Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment

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Reason No. 3. Bad example of parents

Some men refrain from formal marriage because they grew up in dysfunctional families, where the mother did not respect the father or, conversely, the father beat the mother. They are afraid that the same thing will happen in their relationship, i.e. we are talking about the so-called childhood trauma , which may have to be worked through with competent psychologists.

Men who faced similar problems in childhood should build their own family according to a different model, and you can start with a civil marriage, that is, with cohabitation.

The woman, in turn, must show love and care so that the man understands that he will definitely not repeat the fate of his mother and father/stepfather.

Unsuccessful marriage of parents as a reason for fear of getting married

Men's fear of marriage and fatherhood: myth or reality?

Generalization is dangerous: not all people are afraid of relationships and having children, but many people do feel terrified just at the thought of them.

Before we dive into the reasons why they are so afraid, let me first address the question of whether men are actually more afraid of relationships and children than women.

The debate about whether men and women are extremely similar or completely different will not go away, and this is largely because we do not have many opportunities to prove our worth within the psychological arena.

Maybe one day we will learn so much about the brain that we will be able to definitively answer the question. However, the chances of this happening are very slim: perhaps the social influences that shape men and women are so strong that it is the social part, not the biological part, that makes men and women who they are in the first place.

Are men more afraid of relationships and children than women?

The truth is that it's hard to say. Measuring men's and women's fear of intimacy in a research sense is difficult, but one study attempted it and found that men scored higher on the fear-of-intimacy scale. For women who knew that men were afraid of relationships, this study will not come as a surprise.

My practice has shown me that men are more likely to be afraid of allowing themselves to be vulnerable than women, so it would make sense that they would be more afraid of relationships than women. To give some context, the media is always reporting on the different ways boys and girls communicate, and many of us see this kind of gender extremist parenting among people in our social circles. Since boys and girls appear, at least historically, to be socialized differently, it would make sense that girls who were socialized to engage in cooperative play would grow up to be women who are better at handling emotions and relationships. than boys who have been socialized to engage in competitive and physical play and grow up to be men who are less comfortable with vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships.

But here's the important part: not all people are afraid of relationships and children! When it comes to a subset of people, what makes them different? In other words, why is there such a fear of relationships and children?

Previous injuries of relatives

A person cannot function well in a relationship if they have extensive problems related to previous relationship trauma. Relationship trauma may have occurred when the man was a child or when he was an adult.

Men who had absent parents as children, or a parent whose parent they lost, or a parent who abused them in some way, will have a lot of difficulty maintaining a healthy relationship. Trauma can make a romantic relationship almost unbearable if the person has not worked through the trauma and processed all the associated thoughts and feelings.

Additionally, men who are afraid of relationships may have had traumatic previous relationships as adults. If a previous partner abused them in any way, cheated on them, left the relationship, or died, all of this can cause these people to avoid emotional intimacy and relationships in the future. Although some may still feel a desire for intimacy, the emotional pain from the previous trauma is too great for these people to take the risk of getting into a relationship again.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), paranoid or depressed functions

Some men are afraid of relationships because they have a general approach that makes the relationship extremely anxious. Men who have OCD features often fear relationships due to uncertainty and lack of control. People with OCD have a very high need structure and must feel that their environment is extremely controlled and predictable. The thought of dealing with someone else's emotions while also having to share your emotional life and your physical space is often too much.

Men who have a paranoid personality type are often afraid of relationships. Paranoid men are hyperactive about their environment and screening everyone who comes into their space. They are aware of the hierarchy of power and have a constant fear that someone will trap them and take advantage of them. For these reasons, dependence and dependence on another person are incredibly distant concepts for a paranoid person.

Suffering from depression or having depressive symptoms is related to relationship status. They suffer from low motivation and often feel unwell. The idea of a relationship seems extremely difficult for these people and, moreover, sounds like a call for a lot of work. Keep in mind that many men don't talk openly about depression, so you may not even know the real reason why a given man is afraid of being in a relationship—you just have to realize that something isn't working.

Secret dependencies

Unless you are a psychologist or psychotherapist, you would be surprised to realize how many people actually suffer. Some biases are obvious, and some can be hidden very well and skillfully. Drug addicts avoid those who are going to prosecute them. Think about it: Having a partner will make the addict feel incredibly anxious, and the addict will find a way to escape in such a situation.

Now that you know some of the reasons why men are afraid of relationships, consider for a moment the paradox that many men who have a secret fear of relationships are often in relationships! In relationships, these men often have difficulty maintaining intimacy with their partner for any significant period of time: he never allows them to get fully intimate, always keeping them at a distance or deceiving and abusing them.

Other men who are afraid of relationships don't even try to calm down: they are single at the age of 40; a charming uncle who never brings the same woman; or the person who says he wants something long-term but distracts himself from the types that are a complete match, so the relationship never has a real chance of working out.

If you are involved with someone who you believe is afraid of being in a relationship, talk to them about it. Tell him what you believe and what you see, and do it in a casual, light-hearted way. If you really want your romantic relationship to work well with him, offer to go to couples therapy to help him - and you'll air out these issues too. There is hope for people who are afraid of relationships, but they must be disciplined in trying to change and be honest with themselves about how dysfunctional their romantic life has been as a result of their relationship.

Reason No. 4. Financial issues

Men realize that after the wedding, the task of earning money will fall on them, while the woman will be involved in raising children and maintaining order in the house.

Not every representative of the stronger sex is ready to take this step, especially at a young age, so some young people want to postpone their wedding

Men are afraid that if something goes wrong, there will be no one to feed their family, and they will have to eke out a miserable existence instead of achieving new heights in their career.

Reason No. 5. Division of real estate

This question has recently become increasingly relevant. Real estate acquired jointly by spouses during marriage is subject to division by law upon divorce. Men often give figures - the percentage of divorces in Russia and the world - and understand that in the event of a divorce they will have to share a house, apartment, car and other material goods. Taking into account the fact that in most situations the husband is involved in investing money in shared housing because of more substantial earnings and the opportunity to work without going on maternity leave, his position can be understood.