Two halves at a party
There is such a type of “complicated fate” - codependent relationships. We see them every day, we just have to look around: the victim and the sadist, the needy and the rescuer, the daddy and the little girl, the grandma and the mama’s boy, the hard worker and the gigolo. It seems, why not? They will get big shots and meet normal partners. But there is a catch. Every time, after breaking up with their codependent partner, women meet another exactly the same.
According to sociologists, the phenomenon of “halves” exists. True, in a somewhat strange form. Even at the noisiest party, in the thickest crowd, a woman will single out exactly the one who complements her complexes: a sadist, gigolo, alcoholic... In a word, whoever she is subconsciously looking for.
Only God knows how this “magic of halves” works, but it practically does not fail. And if an insecure woman meets the Ideal Man, she will quickly spoil the acquaintance and run away. Because he doesn’t know how to be in holistic healthy relationships. Or Mister Perfect himself will hasten to bow out. Because she senses that something is wrong with her.
How to stop attracting “not your own” men and find “your own”
“Why are there the wrong men in my life? How can I find “my one”, where to meet him. Many women ask me these questions, perhaps you have also asked yourself this question...”
In my five years of practice with women, I have never met one who wanted to be unhappy, to feel unloved, to be offended, to be lonely or poor. But why does this happen, why so many women are unhappy in relationships with men or have no relationships at all.
And regardless of whether you are married now or not, this article will be useful for you.
But first, let’s determine what kind of “our man” he is and how he differs from “not his man.”
With your man you experience a feeling of happiness, love, joy, reliability, trust, security. From the love that fills you, you can create new worlds))
It’s not with your man that you experience: doubts about him or yourself, dissatisfaction, resentment, anxiety, jealousy, and you don’t feel protected in this relationship. Your love is not enough and you stop feeling happy.
How can you learn to attract and be in a relationship with your man? And what to do if you are now in a relationship, but you don’t feel loved, and you sometimes wonder if it’s not him.
During my practice, I came up with 3 reasons:
Reason I: women's negative generic programs.
Remember what kind of relationship your mother and father had? Was she happy as a woman? What was she offended by and what “fears” did she have, what was she afraid of? Analyze whether you have the same fears. 95% of the problems that people face have their roots in the family. So, for example, if your mother felt unhappy, was offended by her husband, did not feel loved and desired, then it was these “female generic viruses” that you absorbed into yourself in childhood - unconsciously, not on purpose. I will tell you why this happens and how to change it later.
There are negative female birth programs that we “absorb” from our mothers and grandmothers, there are many of them, I will describe the most common ones in our time “this is the program of a strong woman” - when we do everything ourselves, we rely only on ourselves, and we attract “weak” men, or those who will suppress. The program of “unhappy female destiny” - when entire generations of women are unhappy in their personal lives or are lonely, grandmother, mother, daughter. The program of “poor female destiny” - when we “attract” unsuccessful men, but we are not comfortable with successful and accomplished ones, we seem to feel unworthy. And even having attracted at first, we cannot build a happy and loving relationship - with our fears, resentments, and mistrust we destroy everything ourselves.
Is it possible to change the negative women's program - yes, of course it is possible. There are only three steps to do this:
Step one: analyze the life of women in your family, and determine what you inherited: what beliefs, attitude towards men, what fears, or resentment - what “viruses” live inside you.
Second step: transform negative generic female programs so that they do not influence our female destiny.
The third step: write down new beliefs within yourself that will lead to a happy and loving relationship with a man, and this is precisely related to the second reason.
Reason II: ourselves) our beliefs, which were formed from personal experience or from the environment - what we believe, what we think. A man is always a mirror of a Woman. Just like a Woman is a mirror of a Man. How much we ourselves have learned to love, appreciate, respect ourselves, satisfy our needs, be happy - we attract such a man - who is ready to make us even happier! And if today you don’t have a relationship in which you are happy, then this means that there is still no room inside you for happiness with yourself and your man.
Of course, sometimes we really want it to be different) And what needs to be done for this? First, let's look at what fills our soul. Imagine that your soul is a well, and in the well at the very bottom there is a life-giving spring of love and at the top it is littered with garbage of grievances, fears, doubts, self-doubt, claims to past men, disbelief that there are real men, dissatisfaction with life why are you alone, or dissatisfaction with a man, why doesn’t he behave the way you want, etc., the list is large and each has its own. So, it turns out in fact - that love is 15% and 85% is internal garbage that has accumulated - and a man shows us that inside of us 15% we feel that we are loved, and 85% we experience resentment, fears, uncertainty, dissatisfaction. How can I rejoice and be happy in such a situation if I don’t get what I want in life? And besides, a woman can be successful, fulfilled in her career, business - but it is in her personal life that her soul can be filled with garbage.
There are diseases of the body: flu, acute respiratory infections, gastritis, etc., and there are diseases of the soul: resentment, fears, dissatisfaction, complaints, etc. When a woman’s soul is healthy: a woman is happy, joyful, feels self-love towards men, and enjoys life. And when “viruses” live in the soul, then the soul is sick, and this undermines feminine energy, and this is the third reason why we attract the “wrong” men.
The third reason: low female energy. There is feminine and masculine energy. Female yin, male yang. Female yin from excess turns into yang (male) - that is why a woman fills a man only when she herself is filled. A man and a woman have different tasks in this world - we are equal, but we are not the same.
And especially for you, I have prepared a free video course “How to stop attracting “not your” men and find “your own”, course description and registration on my website in the Programs section
Be happy and loved.
The most important man in life
And again it’s all my fault? Maybe not. Maybe it was an evil fairy who cursed you in your cradle because your parents didn’t invite her to your christening. And at the age of 16, she pricked herself with a needle from a tattoo machine and carried out the spell. Now you are obliged to meet the wrong men until the clock on the tower square strikes forty years and the house is occupied by pots of geraniums and cacti. One for each year of girlhood.
In fact, everything is more prosaic: the model of relationships with men is built based on the image of the father. And not so much from how he behaved with his mother, but how the little girl was used to seeing him.
Let's do a simple exercise
: Sit comfortably, close your eyes, exhale. Imagine that your consciousness is a white board. If thoughts and writings appear on it, erase them with an eraser. Achieve complete thoughtlessness. Now extend the sentence with the first word that arises from the subconscious: “Father is ....”
Whatever answer appears is the right one for you at this point in your life. If “Father is a friend,” most likely there are many male friends in your environment. But they don't see you as a woman. If the father is a threat (who knows, maybe he mistreated the mother), it is not surprising that you will shy away from the relationship. And further down the list.
“Why do only married people stick to me?”
I divorced my husband three years ago. In principle, there is enough time for everything to settle down, be forgotten and get better again. Almost everything worked out, except my personal life... During these three years I made a lot of acquaintances, including men, but they were all married. I didn’t attach any importance to this before, but when did it become a pattern!!!
If any man shows interest in me, then he is definitely married. I tried to figure out what exactly attracts them to me... But I still can’t find the answer.
Good time!
Well, has there yet appeared on your horizon at least one unmarried person who would show an interest in you that is as characteristic and pronounced as that of married people? No? Behold, the villains! Well then, I’ll try to answer your question.
You are absolutely right that if married (and only married) men show sympathy for you, then there is definitely a pattern in this. And it, as you yourself assume (and even try to figure it out), depends on your behavior, on some logic of events with which your relationships and contacts begin to develop.
The most common reason for such situations is female beauty, charm, charisma, charm, attractiveness and sex appeal. A beautiful woman very often complains about her unhappy fate: many do not understand this, especially the same men who stare at her - well, how, tell me, such a beautiful, stunning woman, with such charm and charm - she there is no happiness in life?!! Is this really possible?
Ooo! How possible! It's very simple: men who look at a beautiful woman can be divided into two categories. Of these, the first one says something like this: “I wish I could sleep with her.” (Excuse me for being literal, but they definitely don’t think about running to the registry office and having five children :)) The second category of men thinks something like this: “Lucky is the one who sleeps with her.” Do you feel the difference? Do you feel the nuance?
It is unmarried men who are more ready to develop relationships with you. Married people - they are more from satiety, from goodness, from self-confidence - they already have a wife, they are cooking soup, why not have such a beautiful mistress? Married people, as a rule, are more self-confident; most of their questions are closed - they have a family, they have a marriage, they have children, they have a stamp in their passport. A married man may want love or sex, but he never wants marriage. At least at the very beginning of the relationship. He is mired and confused in his own way, what other marriage does he need?
However, married people often leave their family - “to another”, as it is commonly called. But this is only possible in one case - he will be so “out of his mind” that he, like an alcoholic who swore and swore not to drink while flying from the ninth floor, will understand and believe that it is with YOU that he will be happy, that it is with you that he is ready to create a real family. And so on... This happens, but at the beginning of a relationship with married people, it’s a hopeless idea to imply marriage or something like that. They only think about sex, they want a mistress and nothing else...
Unmarried men are most likely afraid of you. They are terrified. And precisely because they have a slightly different worldview of women and the world. They look at a beautiful woman, they can go crazy and yearn, but they will sit and not say a word, because in their heads there is a persistent theory that all beautiful and attractive women are already busy with someone - they are surrounded by care and love, their achieve and admire...
And it doesn’t occur to them that such women are sometimes unhappy: and so they sit like mice and develop their theories that SUCH A WOMAN, whom they really like, probably has a lot of fans, and she definitely won’t pay any attention to them attention.
An unmarried man is often like a sixteen-year-old teenager: he, pale and quiet, will harbor his feelings for years and never dare to express them. That doesn't mean he's a coward or anything, no. This only means that he needs help, just a little help, to dare to express to you everything that he has kept inside himself for months or even years.
My best wishes!
Vit Tsenev
Big question mark?
But what if the father is an empty place? In the sense that you don't even remember it. Your father didn’t swing you in his arms or carry you through puddles. You didn’t kiss the dimple on his stubbled chin and you didn’t fall asleep, buried in his strong shoulder. How then to determine his image? How to build relationships with men if instead of the image of a dad there is a hole?
Yes, just like in any other case - remove the label. We often sin by giving definitions: to people, events, actions... One is a loser, another is an infantile, another is a bore. Any of these definitions may seem worthy to you. And each of them will be secondary.
Because the only important role of a father in a woman’s life is the Creator. He gave her life and gave her the whole world. Maybe he didn’t teach him to perceive it (for his own reasons) or interact with it - but he handed him the key to the kingdom and opened the gate to life. And the only thing we need to do is remove the label of assessing his personality. And see in him only your Creator.
Your friends are family people
If most of your girlfriends and acquaintances are already married, there is nothing strange in the fact that you often have to see their husbands. As you know, not all representatives of the stronger sex strive to remain faithful to their other half, so you can always fall under the gun of such an alpha male.
Such attempts must be nipped in the bud. Just don’t complain about your unfaithful husband to your friend, because in a showdown she will believe him, and you will also find yourself to blame. If your friend's husband does not stop his advances, it would be best to stop communicating with this family, and thus protect your honor and reputation.
My own slave, my own executioner
Remember, older people advise: “Look how he treats his mother. He will treat you the same way.” The situation also works the other way: the way a woman treats her father, the same way she treats men. And the more we judge our father, get angry or, conversely, fawn over his image, we do the same with our life partners.
What feelings do you have towards your dad? Anger, hatred, contempt? Do you have bright days or family quarrels before your eyes? Do you remember how much pain he caused your mother and want revenge? And then you unconsciously play the role of avenger with those who love you.
Or can you not forgive your mother, who missed, did not love your father, and let him go from her life? You cook a lot of dishes, wash your husband’s socks and underwear, obediently wait for him from work until the morning and turn a blind eye to all your mistresses. With every action you unconsciously prove to yourself and your mother: “This is how you should love men”... And you turn into a slave.
He has NO money
Oh, these men. How you want someone strong and tender, rich and able to love. But often what comes into a woman’s life is not the heroes from her dreams.
Oh, these men. How you want someone strong and tender, rich and able to love. But it is not the heroes from her dreams that come into a woman’s life.
How often do I hear from women: “I fell in love with a man, but... he has no money at all.”
“He's the best I've ever met. His kindness, attentiveness and care simply drive me crazy. He is genuinely interested in my life. I feel like I care about him, but my man has no money!
His ex-wife took away his apartment and all his savings, leaving only his old car. He, of course, spends all the money he earns on me and my daughter, but the amounts are small and the earnings are unstable.
I really want to hope that the situation will change soon and he will be able to get a decent job. But I’m already tired of waiting, my patience is at its limit. Sometimes I feel like a selfish and materialistic bitch who doesn’t know the value of love and tenderness. But at the same time, I feel like a complete fool for spending my own money on a guy and then blaming myself for it. I don’t understand what to do: just be kind and gentle or turn on your mind and free yourself from this abnormal love?”
I recently received such a letter. Over the many years of my work, I have often encountered the fact that women are worried about such problems.
Finding the answer to all questions is not so easy. A woman should be able to make decisions independently in such situations. And only her heart can tell whether she should love a man without money, or wait for a loving man with a tight wallet.
To deal with feelings, you need to look at the essence of the problem.
Where are you real men?
According to all women, a man is a breadwinner and is obliged to support his family. But from the point of view of modern life, this is not entirely true. And if we agree that a man’s responsibilities include the financial support of the family, then a woman needs to remain a woman in any situation. But in modern realities the situation is completely different. A man must be brave and decisive, but at the same time completely subordinate to the woman. It turns out to be a kind of paradox, doesn’t it?
Life is changing at a rapid pace, and the roles of men and women are viewed completely differently. Representatives of the fair sex have become too independent in all respects. They successfully develop their business, and in most cases, earn much more than men, and also solve many problems without outside interference. Women have become more independent and independent, so they do not see strong men next to them. Therefore, many women are faced with a dilemma: “I fell in love with a man, but, alas, he has no money.”
Myths about miraculous transformations
All of the above in no way relieves the man of responsibility for the safety and maintenance of the family. And he must be a real breadwinner if he wants to see a fragile woman next to him.
I believe that every person, regardless of gender, should be able to solve their problems within themselves. A man must fulfill his duty, and a woman must fulfill her destiny. But placing responsibility on fragile women’s shoulders is wrong and unfair.
Any relationship is like a two-way street.
And all the wonderful stories that a woman’s love can turn any loser into a businessman are similar to the fairy tale about beauty and the beast. Moreover, in fairy tales, men also perform miracles. Remember how Tsarevich Ivan first kissed the toad so that it would turn into a beautiful girl. At the same time, it is worth realizing that the frog was once a beautiful princess, and the monster was a noble prince.
Of course, women have incredible power, which allows them to raise a man to the heights of fame and power. However, the mesmerizing power has its limits. The inner potential of a person is of great importance, and this is where the phenomenon of enchanted princes and princesses comes into play.
Probably, many will agree that if a rich person fails, then after a while he will rise again and become successful, but to a slacker, no matter how much money you give him, he will still remain a beggar. A person’s potential is not measured by financial well-being.
How to understand what a man is capable of?
If a man without money appears in your life, then maybe you should take a closer look at him. It won't be difficult to spot the loser.
- Don't believe pretty words. Pay attention to his actions, to ways of solving problems that have arisen.
- Observe whether he sits all night at the computer looking for work or lies on the couch all day, citing the fact that he is not yet emotionally ready to change his life.
- Does he throw all his efforts into finding a job, even a low-paid one, or does he insist that this is not what he went to university for?
- See how he copes with the assigned tasks - quickly, slowly, whether he is able to bring the work he has started to a victorious end.
Perhaps your man speaks beautifully about feelings and passionately reflects on options for where to make money, but in reality he is simply not capable of decisive action. Believe me, it only takes one month to fully verify whether a person is able to work and earn money .
Once you are convinced that apart from compliments and tenderness, you will receive nothing more from your chosen one, you can hardly hope that he will change. Just admit it to yourself and make an honest choice - to love a man for his money or for his feelings for you. But if the choice is made, you should not flatter yourself with hopes that your man will soon find a decent job and become a successful person.
If you don’t care about his financial situation, and you just want warmth, love and tenderness, then this is your choice - you can safely get married. You yourself are responsible for your life, just don’t create illusions by pinning your hopes on a bright future. You shouldn’t convince yourself that your man is just having temporary difficulties that you can quickly overcome together. Otherwise, only grief and disappointment await you in the future, and ardent love will disappear without a trace.
Don't have any illusions!
I don’t see any problem in the fact that a woman fell in love with a poor man. The problem is that the woman does not want to accept reality and agree with reality . You just need to learn how to identify a man’s potential. Temporary difficulties should not be confused with the usual state; it is very difficult to correct a person’s character.
The main problem is the vain hope that lives in a woman’s soul. And she believes that soon everything will get better and he will be able to find a decent job. But she does not agree to love a person who has absolutely no money all her life.
All family relationships are unique and unique. It is rare to find families where equality prevails; basically, each couple has its own rules. In some families, the husband sits at home, completely runs the household, and everything suits everyone. But often, on the contrary, you won’t find a man at home, he is always at work, and his wife is looking forward to him at home. The main thing is that mutual understanding reigns in the relationship!
Make your choice consciously!
The essence of the issue lies only in a conscious choice on your part. If you know what you are getting into, and at the same time you are satisfied with everything, then there is nothing reprehensible in this. All troubles begin with one's own delusions.
We simply sometimes do not want to perceive the truth, whatever it may be. And as soon as a woman begins to look for qualities in her husband that he does not actually possess, misunderstandings arise in family relationships.
You need to learn to look at things soberly. Of course, a woman can help a man become prosperous and occupy a high position in society. However, she should realize that a man must have desire and internal potential for development . Otherwise, his inner weakness will not allow him to overcome life’s obstacles, and no woman can change this. Even psychologists are powerless in such situations.
Forced loneliness makes women unintelligible. A woman quickly gets tired of being alone and is ready for any relationship. Her soul needs care, warmth and tenderness. The thirst for love torments her so much that she is like a flower that has been in the dark for a long time and now strives to find sunlight, but reality is cruel and deceptive.
Many men, understanding women's deep need for love, shamelessly play with their feelings.
And I would like to give women some advice:
- Firstly, no matter how much you are bored with loneliness, do not rush to let a man into your heart . Try to get to know him well first.
- Secondly, if a man has financial problems, don't push him away right away . After all, every person goes through a difficult period in life.
- And thirdly, you should not stay for a long time with a person who cannot give you what you want . If he does not satisfy your material needs, and you cannot come to terms with this, then it is better to break up immediately.
Don't have any illusions, just leave. It is better to break off such a relationship immediately, because over time you will only become more attached to him, and it will be difficult for you to accept someone else into your life. Although some need to drink the whole cup to the bottom in order to understand and draw certain conclusions.
It doesn't matter at all whether you love a poor or a rich man. The only thing that matters is your attitude towards this. If after the word “love” you put “BUT”, then sooner or later your relationship will definitely collapse.
Agree, there is a big difference between two sentences: “I love a man, and he has no money” and “I love a man, but he has no money.” Trust your heart and make the right choice!posted
Author: Irina Gavrilova Dempsey
PS And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
Changing settings
To get out of the vicious circle of the same men, you first need to come to terms with the main one. Because the only feelings that should arise when thinking about your father are love and gratitude. And any other feelings and thoughts are the result of acquired attitudes and beliefs. But they can and should be changed. Repeat like a mantra until the awareness becomes part of you: “He is the Creator. He gave me life."
Once you accept your father in this form, forget about grievances and expectations, everything will change dramatically. We will look at men with love and gratitude. And we will see the smiles and faces of those who previously had their backs to us.
