Bad Parents: Why Friendships with Children Can't Last Forever
Recently, I once again tried to gently and persistently express dissatisfaction with my adult son: no matter how hard I fought, he was categorically not going to become what I would dream of seeing him, but for some reason he behaved the way he wanted. He didn't do anything wrong and was overall still a good guy, but not as good as I needed him to be. I realized with horror that this was it - I was turning into the parent I never wanted to be. A parent who has imagined something and then systematically tries to fit his child into this sketch drawn in his imagination. A parent who only verbally says, “I will love you anyway,” and who himself cringes painfully from dissatisfaction with his own child. I had to admit that sometimes my beloved son becomes inconvenient, stubborn, harmful and on his own mind. Sometimes he makes me angry and disappoints me. My image of an “ideal mother” - a real, loving, caring mother-friend who will always understand, hug and support, with whom you can always discuss any problem without hesitation, crumbled before my eyes. I was turning into a sad mother-saw. I was unhappy: I nagged, pressed and demanded to get ready immediately.
At his age I was worse. It’s not that I’m a bad girl, but I wouldn’t wish such a difficult daughter on my enemy. And the most painful thing during this period was the realization that my mother, who had always been my best friend, was no longer my friend. She stopped fooling around with me and turned into a rather strict mother, who was often dissatisfied with me. Our relationship quickly deteriorated. I was choking with sobs, I didn’t understand what had happened to her, I was scared of betrayal and thought that I would never do this to my child... and now - hello, we’ve arrived! I grew up, I have my own children and I’m exactly like that.
How difficult this moment turns out to be, when your child, attached to you and being a part of you, suddenly begins to move away and turn into a separate person. Even if you have always treated him with respect as a person, with his own character, if you have never suppressed him, it doesn’t matter - this moment hits you deafeningly on the head and it seems impossible to be prepared for it. It is impossible to read one hundred and fifty books on psychology and know what to say and do. You can scroll through conversations in your head on various sensitive topics, such as discussing abortion, drug addiction, theft, homosexuality or something else, but you will not be ready for simply growing up. No, your child didn’t kill anyone, didn’t get pregnant, and doesn’t steal money from old women, but, for example, he suddenly abandoned his studies, lost interest in life, doesn’t want to look for a job, start a family, make a career and conquer space. He wants to lie down and eat sometimes. And you were not ready for this: after all, it’s impossible to calmly watch him do nothing, but if you start forcing him, then we’ll go back to the beginning of the article.
Most likely, during this period, your child will do everything wrong and you will simply be faced with a choice: stand and watch as he makes mistakes, gets into trouble, suffers, falls, moves further and further away, sometimes at the risk of leaving completely dangerous path, or stop being his friend and turn into a “mother”. Press, teach, force and see with horror how your crazy love, woven from golden threads, breaks and may never be restored. In theory, we all choose the wise “stand and watch” approach; in practice, there is often pressure and strict control. Not out of malice, out of love and because it is impossible otherwise.
Perhaps it’s also worth saying that such a painful transition awaits precisely those “personally respecting” parents. Because tyrant parents will most likely raise a child who, at this difficult age, will smoothly slide along a pre-prepared ski track and realize that all his life he has been rolling not where he wants, but where his parents kicked him, by the age of forty (though some manage to be grateful for this too).
Here, apparently, it is necessary to tell how to behave correctly, but what is the use of a correctly selected key if the lock is broken? The grown-up child, unnoticed by you, has rebuilt himself, changed his mind and turned into a completely different organism. Your old tricks no longer work. You can hurt him, but you are unlikely to achieve anything that he does not like.
Personally, it suddenly dawned on me such a simple and such a frightening thought that our children, just like our parents, are essentially complete strangers, strangers who (in fact) are not connected with us in any way, except for casual kinship and they are not at all what we would like them to be - they are themselves. Yes, for the time being, instincts work and children unquestioningly love their parents, and parents love their children, but these are the same “rose-colored glasses” that we wear when we are in love, and all rose-colored glasses fall off sooner or later. And when this happens, we are surprised for the first time to see real and unfamiliar people with whom life has confronted us. Not at all fabulous, alive, real, with weaknesses, shortcomings and fears. People who may be nothing like those whom we are used to seeing and whom we will now also have to understand and love.
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Why are parents unhappy with the gender of their child?
It turns out that she desperately wanted to give birth to another girl, but during an ultrasound they told her it would be a boy. And now she is angry at herself, at her husband, and even at her unborn child because he will (most likely) be a boy! When I asked why she didn’t want a boy, I received a short “I don’t even know...” And she was in this mood for almost a month. And she had another 1.5 months ahead of her.
It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that a mother practically hates her own child just because he is “the wrong gender.” I talked about this topic with a friend who works as a psychologist, and she told me that quite often pregnant women come to her with such problems.
Of course, every person has their own hopes and plans regarding the gender of their unborn child. But if dreams and reality diverge, some will simply be a little sad and still begin to rejoice at the baby that has appeared, while others will treat this as a tragedy.
Why do some parents take their child so seriously? There are several reasons why men and women are so concerned about this issue.
Until now, many men believe that the birth of a son is an indicator of male wealth in the eyes of others. Some people think that it is necessary to give birth to a boy in order for the family to continue. And if one daddy is just a little upset that a daughter was born and not a son, then the other one can try to the bitter end to acquire the desired son. And his poor wife may feel guilty before her beloved husband for every daughter born.
When a family already has children, parents want another child of the same or opposite sex. Sometimes this is explained by the fact that the parents already have experience in dealing with little girls or boys, and some things from the older child still remain and may be useful. Some people just like only boys. Someone, having tinkered with a boy once, decides for himself that he cannot handle another such time and now he needs to give birth to a girl.
It also happens that grandparents are waiting for the birth of a child of a certain gender. Some simply already have granddaughters and now you are their only hope for the appearance of the “missing” grandchildren. By constantly thinking out loud about how wonderful it would be if you finally had a girl, they can put a lot of pressure on future parents, which can cause them a lot of unpleasant emotions, including feelings of guilt if the “wrong” child is born. .
Do not forget that the baby, while still in the mother’s belly, sensitively senses her mood. And if a pregnant woman is very worried that her child is not what she wanted, this will not benefit him. So, accept the news of who will be born to you easily and joyfully, so that it will be good for both you and your baby.
Tags: pregnancy, child, gender, baby, motherhood, psychology, children
Dissatisfied child 5 years old
LETTER My daughter is 6 years old. She is always dissatisfied with something. I look at other children and see how they rejoice in everything they have. And mine aches all the time. And it is unclear from whom she is reading this behavior, because everyone in the family, on the contrary, is always rejoicing, happy and friendly. At the same time, I see that the child is running and jumping, and everything is fine with her, and she sleeps and eats normally. It’s just that if she doesn’t like it, she starts whining, complaining about life, saying that no one loves her... You have to get up early - she will tearfully reprimand me all morning that I don’t love her. We have to clean up - she sits and suffers that she is like a maid.. We have to go to classes to prepare for school - she is sobbing. In general, she is apparently spoiled and capricious. But I don't understand what to do. I feel guilty for everything that is bad for my child. And what should I answer her? She says: I want to sleep for a long time, I want to walk, not go to school, I want to play, not clean. How can I explain to her that in life we do not only do what we want? I'm really looking forward to Natalya Filimonova's answer.
- They feed you, put you to bed, have plenty of toys, but it’s still bad!
ANSWER Tatyana Malyutina, school psychologist:
— The problem here is multifaceted. On the one hand, we are talking about the child’s lack of basic responsibilities - such as cleaning up toys, for example. On the other hand, there is a complete lack of motivation - I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to get up, etc.
The child takes all behavioral patterns from the family. And here it is not enough to be friendly and joyful (by the way, note that your child “runs and jumps”, that is, quite joyful), you must also fulfill your duties with pleasure, and each of us has them. And here, most likely, lies the root of all problems.
