It's normal to be attracted to other people
Jealousy is often triggered by the belief that our partners should only be attracted to us. All other women automatically become unattractive and even disgusting for him. This is an absurd expectation that none of us can live up to. Not denying that you like a beautiful girl is normal, and it does not detract from your relationship in the least.
Social media behavior doesn't always mean anything
If he liked a photo of a beautiful girl, does that mean he likes her? Reposted her post or status – does he think she’s smarter than you? In 90% of cases, this only means that you are wasting your time and energy on useless pursuits. But here everything again depends on the nature of his activity. In any case, it is important to keep in mind that a like does not always have a hidden meaning.
Unjustified jealousy.
Hello Dmitry!
It seems that you are in a love triangle and that is why you are now experiencing such conflicting feelings. From the outside you can see how the relationship between Oleg, his ex-wife and Sasha was tripled. It looks exactly like a love triangle - a kind of system where connections between people are built in a certain way, where there are its own laws and rules. The girl was officially in a relationship with Oleg, but Sasha was always nearby, who, most likely, was deeply attractive to her as a man, and she as a woman to him. In general, there is definitely an attachment between them, judging by your description. Jealousy on Oleg’s part is natural; the girl cannot help but feel it. I think she likes it, she gets some psychological benefit from it. And the fact that the three of them ended up being so connected for a long time is not without reason; it means that this type of relationship suits the three of them for some internal reasons. Now about you. I assume that when Oleg “fell out” of this system for a while, Sasha took his place, and you accordingly took Sasha’s place, since this was required by the system, and you turned out to be the most suitable candidate at that time. I think your friend Sasha also experienced jealousy when Oleg was around, and now you are experiencing it. This seems to be natural. The system of connections that this girl builds around herself always assumes that she has two men in close relationships who will be jealous of each other. When there is a system, no matter what, it is always looking for participants who will take on certain roles. In this situation, you have accepted one of the roles and are now experiencing exactly those feelings that allow the system to exist and support its viability. Most likely, if you start getting closer to a girl, imitating Sasha, hidden rivalry will arise between you, and perhaps the relationship will deteriorate because of this. Oleg may turn a blind eye to this, once again, as he turned a blind eye to Sasha’s invisible connection with his wife. Think about whether you need to be an element of a relationship system that benefits you from feeling jealous and tormented by unrequited feelings? Do you really want this or are you just blindly following the rules dictated to you? In my opinion, you need to return to the stage when you could keep your distance and did not get involved. It will be safer for you psychologically. To maintain smooth relationships with all participants, you need to keep your distance from this love triangle and try not to succumb to temptations, which in the end are unlikely to turn into a serious relationship for you. I wish you to make the right decision. Best wishes!
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Porn isn't a big deal
If he watches porn and doesn't participate in it, you have nothing to worry about. This is just a fantasy, and an adequate man understands that it cannot be transferred into real life. You always recognize an inadequate guy by his strange behavior in bed and the manic gleam in his eyes.
If you find it difficult to share a partner with a screen diva, try watching porn together. Talk about your desires, even the craziest ones. This will help you understand your man better.
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Read on topic: 9 signs that a guy only knows about sex from porn
The benefits and harms of jealousy
If you look at relationships from the outside, jealousy is a sign of mistrust and lack of self-confidence. It destroys us from the inside, torments us with doubts and suspicions. However, in some cases, you can notice the benefits of jealousy in a relationship. A wise woman will not start a scandal, but will try to understand how the rival she is jealous of can surpass her - this is the direction in which you need to develop. A smart man will also not stand still: having noticed that someone is paying special attention to his beloved, he will try to strengthen the romantic relationship between them. The main benefit of jealousy in a relationship is the incentive to become a better person and to inspire admiration from your loved one every day.
Of course, jealousy can ruin a relationship if, instead of analyzing everything that is happening, you decide to discuss everything in a raised voice. Many marriages have broken up due to excessive jealousy, which has developed into mania - surveillance, phone control and bans on meeting friends can bring any person down.
What jealousy brings to your relationship depends only on you. Perhaps this feeling will be unnecessary for you, and harmony in your family is achieved through complete trust. And for some, jealousy is an emotional way to show how dear your loved one is to you. The main thing is not to cross the very line beyond which there is no love, and only resentments and quarrels remain.
It's ok to have fun away from each other
You will have to get used to the fact that he understood the meaning of the word “joy” not at the moment when you appeared in his life. There's nothing wrong with a guy having a good time away from you, as long as it's not the only fun time he has.
If you feel empty without a boyfriend and cannot enjoy life, this is a direct path to codependency in a relationship.
Unreasonable jealousy between spouses
Jealousy is a very difficult and destructive feeling. Jealousy, which has no basis, is especially terrible. Why are spouses unreasonably jealous? How to get rid of unreasonable jealousy?
You need to immediately understand and remember that pathological jealousy is not a manifestation of love, and not love itself . It has nothing to do with love. This is an internal struggle with yourself and your complexes.
An ideal relationship is when spouses have adequate self-esteem and assessment of each other. Then the feeling of jealousy has no chance of undermining family relationships.
Confidence in yourself and your partner is essential. What is more necessary is self-confidence.
Signs of baseless jealousy:
- unexplained inner restlessness;
- drawing in the imagination terrible scenarios of betrayal, the reasons for which do not exist;
- constant demand for explanations of the partner’s actions, demand for justifications and a detailed account of the time spent outside the home;
- I’m jealous, I’m tormented, I don’t understand why I’m doing this, but I can’t stop.
This situation can poison the strongest relationships. Not every partner has such strong patience to calmly react to constant accusations, reproaches and interrogations without reason. In order not to end up in complete hysterics and not to do stupid things for no reason, you urgently need to pull yourself together.
Why does unreasonable jealousy arise? Only because a person has inadequately low self-esteem. He is always afraid that someone better, more talented, smarter, more beautiful will take his place in the couple. In order to assuage feelings of inferiority, you need to put your zealous energy into a creative channel. Instead of blaming your partner, you need to improve yourself.
The best way to relax is to do something you love, a hobby. Work on yourself, improve. If you devote more time and energy to doing something that you like, then there will be no time to look for reasons for pathological jealousy. By acquiring new knowledge, skills and abilities, you become better for yourself. As you grow in your own eyes, you gain more self-confidence.
It's really simple. You can also follow the advice of psychologists on overcoming unreasonable jealousy in order to recover from black jealousy:
- Don't pick up your partner's phone in order to verify messages or find evidence of treason. This is not a solution to the problem. This is the illusion of her solution. It's very easy to make your life difficult. It is much more difficult to put everything in place later.
- Remember that your partner chose you out of everyone, knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Don't poison your life with unreasonable fears of losing. It’s better to plan with your partner what to buy. This applies not only to the material sphere of life. Fill each other with positivity and support.
- There is no need to compare yourself with anyone. Each person is an individual. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't cultivate flaws in yourself. Cherish and increase your virtues. This will help you gain self-confidence.
- Talk to your partner. Express what bothers you in the relationship, your desires and feelings. In gratitude, listen to your significant other. Don't play with one goal. Don't be possessive of your partner. Respect each other's feelings and desires.
- Say “stop” to your fantasy in time. This is where engaging in your favorite hobby will come to the rescue. There will be no time to come up with scary stories and pictures.
- How else can I get rid of the feeling of jealousy? Learn to trust. Don’t lie to your partner and trust him. This is a creative direction. Strengthen your relationships.
- Learn to forgive. Sometimes you need to forgive your partner in time. Sometimes you need your partner to forgive you.
Now to the question: “Is jealousy a manifestation of love or a painful state?” the answer is obvious. Do not let destructive and painful unreasonable jealousy into your life.
PS Sincerely, site administration.
Surveillance only leads to painful feelings
When your partner leaves their phone or laptop unattended, resist the urge to look at their messages. Don't even think about it like that. Not only is this a huge invasion of privacy, but chances are you'll find something you're not happy about. Even if this is not a serious betrayal, but a complaint about you to your best friend, it’s better for you not to know about it.
Anyone with spy tendencies knows that even if you don't find anything, keep looking until you find signs of treason. This behavior is bad for your mental health and your relationships.
Jealousy is a sign of deep insecurity
First of all, look for reasons in yourself, and not in your partner’s behavior. Why do you think he needs someone else? Why do you doubt your relationship? Focus on your feelings, not on blaming him. If you call jealousy your character trait, then you need to work on your self-esteem.
It's okay to talk about jealousy
Being jealous is bad, but that doesn't mean you need to hide your feelings. It's important to share your thoughts and concerns, especially if your boyfriend's behavior is negatively impacting your self-esteem. Sharing does not mean blaming him and making a scene for any reason. Talk about yourself and your emotions.
Male and female jealousy: views from different planets
Men are more likely to try to prevent reasons for jealousy in the family, and therefore immediately after the stamp in the passport they tell their beloved: to the cinema until 9 pm, miniskirts only with me, give the red lipstick to someone else...
Women are jealous in fact: because of looks, sighs, SMS, letters and other things. They either find or specifically look for reasons for jealousy. For them, first of all, jealousy is a suspicion of treason. If you think about it, it is women who most often spy on their significant other, suspecting them of betrayal.
