Love is the best thing that can happen to a person. But this wonderful bright feeling, like everything in this world, has a downside - jealousy. Everyone knows that jealousy is a negative feeling, a manifestation of selfishness, possessiveness and envy. Jealousy destroys not only relationships, but also the jealous person himself. But not everyone can cope with this feeling.
Psychologists say that jealousy is normal, that it should not be suppressed, but that we must learn to live in harmony with this feeling. But it is difficult, and not everyone succeeds. At the same time, men and women are jealous in different ways. And often this is precisely why all sorts of misunderstandings and misunderstandings arise that destroy relationships.
Ownership by gender
First of all, male and female jealousy differs in the different manifestations of feelings of ownership.
A man is a priori jealous of his woman towards all men without exception. In each of them he sees a rival who wants to steal his treasure. And since a modern woman cannot sit in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant all her life, this means that her husband will find a lot of reasons for jealousy.
Exit? Get your wife to make her not of interest to the men around her, turn an interesting, beautiful woman into a gray mouse, so that she doesn’t wear makeup and dresses modestly. And it is often useless to convince a husband that without admiring glances and compliments a woman’s life is boring. This does not mean that she is necessarily going to attract someone's attention and find a replacement for her man. She just wants to be attractive.
A woman’s sense of ownership manifests itself in a completely different way. She tries to make her husband look the most handsome, the most attractive. It is a matter of honor for her to show the whole world how wonderful she is. She makes sure that her husband looks well-groomed, clean and ironed, and at the same time she is not afraid that women will suddenly start to like him.
Conclusion
A woman is not afraid of the undisguised sympathy for her husband on the part of many women. But if she notices that he singles out only one from the crowd, often talks about her, even if they are colleagues and behind these conversations there is nothing but stories about work, the wife gets tense and begins to be jealous.
And a man’s jealousy extends to all men with whom his wife communicates, even to those who simply pass by. Sometimes he is even ready to kill all the men within a kilometer radius of his woman with a machine-gun burst.
About the peculiarities of feeling
Pathological jealous people describe attacks of jealousy in the same way. It flares up instantly and slowly fades away. At this time, there seems to be a lump stuck in the throat, there is a feeling of heat, a rush of blood to the face, especially to the cheeks and ears. There is a feeling of lack of air, suffocation, cramping of the jaw, wrists and shoulders. The stomach seems to be pulled inward.
This is a response to something seen, heard or imagined. In small doses, jealousy helps maintain a healthy relationship in a couple and adds “spark.” This is completely normal. But if a feeling arises between friends, it is almost always destructive for the one who was jealous.
Main types
Even such a clear and obvious feeling has several types that pose different dangers to the jealous person. In addition, certain types indicate more serious psychological abnormalities:
- Reverse jealousy. This is projecting your behavior onto your partner. A man easily hides infidelity from his wife, but is tormented by the thought that she will certainly treat him in the same way.
- Acquired (instilled) jealousy. Children raised in dysfunctional families suffer from this type. From an early age, a child perceives the relationship between parents (scandals, quarrels, hysterics) as the norm, and later believes that a man with mistresses and a flighty girl is a standard situation. People who were subjected to moral tyranny in childhood also have a similar worldview. They are not confident in themselves and are only convinced of what their mother told them: “All men are assholes!” After such an experience, a girl in adulthood will never be able to build a full-fledged relationship and trust her chosen one.
- Jealousy is justified. This type occurs when there are really good reasons. Sometimes people break up when someone meets a new love. The jealousy of the rejected partner in this case becomes a normal phenomenon, although quite sad.
- Jealousy is tyrannical. It flares up in mentally unstable, petty, selfish people who are not accustomed to resistance and refusal. As a rule, such subjects place insanely high demands on their partners and see the reason for the coldness in a couple not in their own character, but in the inevitable betrayal.
- Jealousy from injured pride. Characteristic of individuals with low self-esteem, increased anxiety and excessive suspiciousness. They often make mountains out of molehills and love to complain and dramatize. All this makes them see a rival in anyone who shows signs of attention to their other half.
- Jealousy is pathological. The most difficult case is when nonsense is perceived as truth. In a couple, one partner controls the other’s life down to the smallest detail. The desires of the jealous person are elevated to the absolute. More often, men with some kind of addiction (alcoholics, gambling addicts, drug addicts) suffer from this type. These jealous people are extremely unstable mentally. They don’t understand that in 99% of cases their partner’s infidelity is depicted in their minds. In such cases, it often comes to assault.
READ
Teenage love: obvious signs and ways to cope with unrequited feelings
How to recognize the signs
Some ladies love to annoy their chosen one and once again make him tense. But this does not always happen harmlessly. If you see your loved one betraying you at every turn, this is not normal. However, you can avoid bringing it to the boiling point if you understand in time that a destructive feeling has crept into your partner’s soul. The jealous person will be given the following actions:
- Checking phones, messages, social networks.
- Intrusive and constant jokes about cheating.
- Sudden invitations to spend the day together (if nothing like this has happened before).
- Irritability if things don’t go according to plan or after your significant other is late at work.
- Expressed reluctance to let your partner go to meet friends.
- Frequent calls for no reason.
- Questions about previous relationships.
- Questions about friends, hobbies and ways of spending free time.
- Criticism of the partner’s immediate environment to consciously limit communication.
- Dissatisfaction with appearance, makeup, wardrobe details.
Difference between female and male
Despite the same reasons, jealousy manifests itself differently in both sexes.
Men are more upset by the physical betrayal of their chosen one. This makes them feel unable to satisfy their beloved in bed, and therefore jealousy is a blow to the male ego, self-esteem and self-esteem. Men tend to express distrust either very quietly, when the relationship is not cleared up, and the representative of the stronger sex himself makes the decision to break up, or with a major, sizzling scandal, after which reconciliation often occurs.
Women, on the contrary, value more the emotions that a man experiences for them, and therefore jealousy is caused by betrayal at the level of feelings, when preference in communication and attention is given to another.
Doubt about fidelity in women gives rise to the fear of missing out on a man’s protection, support, source of income, way to solve problems, and family core. Girls are so jealous that not only the man, but also all their friends, relatives and acquaintances will know about it. A jealous woman will pester her husband with hysterics, questions, barbs, even rudeness, and will engage in provocations so that the guy will admit to his “sin.” Some people use jealousy as a means of manipulation, especially if the couple has children.
Jealousy of the past
A man is rarely interested in the number of former boyfriends of his beloved, because it doesn’t matter to him. He defeated them all, now this desired woman belongs to him. It's enough. The maximum that he may be interested in is the reasons for the separation. He wants to know them so as not to step on the same rake himself.
If a woman prefers to remain silent, does not support a conversation that is unpleasant for her, or transfers it to another topic, this will not bother him much: he doesn’t want to - and he doesn’t need to.
A woman behaves completely differently. She needs to know everything about her betrothed’s past, preferably in detail. Most often, conversations about his former passions serve as a guide for her to better understand and feel her beloved, to cling to something based on the experience of his old relationships, to work in the contrast of negative experiences and to adopt positive ones.
Not every man will be frank, and even with details, about his past. And the woman insists on such conversations, asks for details, without even noticing that with her insistence she destroys love, because for a man other women no longer exist, only this one is important to him, and her endless questions seem suspicious and offensive to him.
Conclusion
A man is extremely rarely jealous of the past, a woman, on the contrary, often. And the past must be left in the past. Whatever your former lovers were, they remain only in memories, and even then not always. You need to live here and now. And old experience may not always be useful. A man behaves differently with another woman, so his previous relationships are unlikely to teach you anything.
Different views on the problem
Often the cause of jealousy is a simple misunderstanding. Many boys are raised strictly by their parents, constantly reminding them that a man should not complain, no matter how difficult it may be, that his direct responsibility is to support his family and earn money. Now imagine that a man raised in this way finds himself in a situation where he has to work more than usual and, accordingly, get tired. He will not complain, but he will come home tired, a little indifferent, and will not be able to pay attention to his wife. What will she think? It's right that he has another woman.
By the way, a man, on the contrary, will try to help with household chores, take care, look after him, as soon as his beloved says only three words: “I’m so tired.”
Conclusion
Before you screw yourself up and suspect your husband of cheating, try to get him to talk. He won’t complain directly, but from the conversation you will understand that he’s overwhelmed at work, so he doesn’t even have enough strength for himself, much less for his imaginary mistress. And if you show a little more attention and care, his gratitude will know no bounds.
Manifestations of jealousy
Not only the reasons for jealousy differ, but also its manifestations.
A man reacts very violently to suspicions not even of treason, but of a desire to be liked. He makes a scandal, rages, he is strangled by rage, which he is ready to take out on innocent furniture. But despite such a violent reaction, for him jealousy is, first of all, an action. The feelings seething in him force him to act, for example, to re-win the attention of his beloved, to take the relationship to a new level.
By the way, the behavior of a woman who tries to speed up a marriage proposal is most often designed for such a reaction, making a man jealous.
The woman has a different reaction. She is looking for safety, security, comfort and confidence in the future in a relationship with her beloved man. If jealousy suddenly interferes with the calm course of life, a woman, as a rule, gives up, she falls into despair, and the most she can do is create a scene of jealousy.
Conclusion
Rage, anger and action are manifestations of male jealousy.
Apathy, powerlessness, persistent reluctance to do something, create and create are the distinctive features of female jealousy.
Comes from childhood
Everyone knows that the stereotypes of our behavior are laid down in childhood. Usually adults laugh when, after returning from kindergarten, the baby begins to complain about the frivolity of the “groom” or “bride.” Please note that children at this age are very categorical, they immediately plan to get married when they grow up - no more, no less. Usually, all these childhood manifestations of falling in love are short-lived, and several dozen future wives and husbands can change within a few years.
But what to do if a child feels deep sympathy for his chosen one? And he (she) spends more and more time communicating with another girl (another boy)? The baby perceives a change in sympathy as a betrayal. Children have no halftones; they are extremely categorical in their judgments.
So it turns out that several such betrayals even in childhood and primary school age can lead to a loss of trust in members of the opposite sex. The boy grows up convinced in advance that all women are not trustworthy because they are capable of betrayal. Such children grow up to be potential jealous people.
Conclusion
Do not laugh at the woeful story about the insidious cheater with whom your child comes home from kindergarten. Try to convince him that sympathy is not always mutual, that every person has the right to stop loving and love another, that one must be able to show one’s sympathy. Start teaching your child the hard science of relationships between men and women. But don’t let him believe in universal betrayal.
Is jealousy normal?
I am no longer the “star of captivating happiness”... I checked everything - all the puzzles came together in a painful mosaic. Where to now? Mom, friends, but this won’t help for long, and then what? I can’t live without him, and what about him? Disgusting thoughts ran like snakes in my head: “He doesn’t need me at all, my pedestal has collapsed.” Stop! We need to talk today! Throwing a tantrum is stupid. Have a romantic dinner? Maybe, but everything will be a stretch. He will feel it, and what if he even confesses to everything? Scary! But you yourself are not without sin... You flirt with your colleagues, you posted an unambiguous photo shoot on your “classmates”. Could this be revenge? Remember, with what pauses did you talk on the phone with your “childhood friend” yesterday? Stand in his place, what should he think? You're at home like Cinderella, but you're not going to see people in less than two hours? He's right - I'm a spoiled woman, a bad mother, a bad wife! Poor thing, how he hasn’t run away from me yet... We urgently need to change everything: smile, learn to root for “our people,” cook like my mother, give not 365 pairs of socks for my birthday, but a new “computer.” He’s wanted it for a long time, but I’m still talking about a fur coat... Mine, for how many years now, mine and no other! How to keep it? Your friends won’t give you any good advice anyway, but here you need to act as quickly and correctly as possible. I’m going to see a psychologist “on the sly” tomorrow! – It’s normal: jealousy
“One of the sides of the relationship,” says the psychologist.
– She doesn’t let us “relax” too much and forces us to develop.
How to deal with it?
The first step is to find its causes. Sometimes it is associated with low self-esteem and self-doubt. – Sign up for the training, find the positive sides in yourself and concentrate on them, pamper yourself and love yourself!
- a psychologist educates.
– Once you feel like an interesting and attractive person, you will be much less worried that your significant other may leave for someone else.
Talk to your partner about your torment. Tell me what exactly is unpleasant and haunts you. A smart partner will understand you, calm you down, and sort everything out. Then you will laugh together at your ridiculous suspicions. Well, if there really is a reason for jealousy, it is better to detect it right away.
Are you being provoked? Quickly and without hesitation, leave the “dangerous place” so as not to become the subject of a public scandal in the ugliest light. Don't share your worries with your friends. Women are unpredictable creatures. Today she will sympathize with you, and tomorrow she will go and tell everyone that you are a jealous loser. Don't share your problems with your mom. It's a rare mother who is 100% satisfied with her daughter's choice. If your jealousy has serious reasons and is overgrown with evidence, think about what you will do next. Ask yourself whether you agree to live in this hell for several more months, years, decades, driving yourself to nervous exhaustion. Maybe you shouldn’t let your jealousy “eat you up”, but just take it and break this vicious circle? Yes, you are a hard woman's lot! Following Novella Matveeva, I regret that “we are only women”! We are only women - and so to speak, alas! Why alas? It's time to touch the causes "Wine and women" - so you say, But we do not say: "Candy and men." We distinguish you from a bun, from halva, We somehow feel that people are not ham, Although, to listen to you, we are distinguishable only by the fact that we have never worn our heads. "Wine and women?" Let's follow from here! Oh, woman, take the cookbook, Say: “I love you like berry jelly, Like a fish’s head, like a hare’s ankle!” Is my affection after your heart?
Are you not a pie? Not cheese? Are you human? And I? P.S. He came late. Quietly undressed. I lay down next to him. He hugged me and said quietly: “I feel so good that I have you!” What fools we women are!
How to free yourself from jealousy
Jealousy cannot permeate your entire life together. If it begins to corrode your relationship, psychologists advise creating an island free from this oppressive feeling. Find some common interest, an activity (even cross stitch!), in which jealousy cannot be present in any way. Gradually increase the boundaries of the island, add other activities, until this island takes up most of your time together.
Advice for women
• When you feel jealous, don’t withdraw into yourself, talk, discuss your condition with your husband, don’t just believe your suspicions. No matter how insightful, intelligent, educated and experienced you are, sometimes the situation that caused jealousy is not at all what you think.
• Remember that jealousy can be a tool of manipulation. If your man regularly accuses you of cheating without the slightest reason, it is possible that he is projecting his own desire to cheat on you and is simply looking for an excuse for this desire. Talk, find a way to solve the problem before he breaks down or destroys you with his jealousy.
Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. And don't manipulate yourself.
Attention! These tips are designed for a situation where people themselves don’t like the fact that jealousy “eats” them and ruins their relationship with their loved one. This does not apply to cases of pathological jealousy or jealousy that results in assault. The only solution here is separation. And as quickly as possible.
How to get rid of jealousy towards a man
Past relationships or new acquaintances of a loved one can often cause obsessive jealousy. For example, you may be haunted by the thought that your significant other has found a person who is better than you in everything, or that this is his ex, who was better in bed.
Such obsessions can lead not only to your psychological problems, but also to the complete destruction of relationships.
The worst thing is if the vicious circle repeats itself all the time. For example, you accidentally noticed a photo of them together, a storm of rage awakens that he still has things in common with her.
Blaming your partner for such things is completely unacceptable. You hurt his feelings by your lack of trust. Or even worse, you accuse him of having some feelings for her.
By accusing your loved one of something they didn't even think about doing, you only make the situation worse. Your suspicion makes him more secretive. With your accusations, you force him to hide, and his secrets begin to awaken your imagination and even greater interest.
To get rid of your reactive jealousy, it is important to recognize that it is not your loved one's fault at all. He is not responsible for his previous relationships or new acquaintances that cause negative emotions in you.
You need to recognize that the real problem is within you. Your own self-doubt is projected onto your partner and is at the root of your jealousy.
However, it's not that simple. It is not enough to simply admit that you have a problem. The first thing you need to do is restrain yourself. The problem with jealousy is that you cannot control your strong emotions. They make you say and do things that you regret later.
However, the next time you're overwhelmed by the green-eyed monster, try not to say anything, roll your eyes, or even engage in a silent boycott.
Try to at least pretend to understand and trust. Even if it doesn't work out.
In a relationship, feelings of jealousy usually arise from the fact that your loved one devotes more time to someone or something. It seems to you that you are a legitimate contender for all his time.
Ask yourself what exactly bothers you about his behavior? Is it possible that he spends less time on you or perhaps he will try to get involved in a relationship with someone else?
Think sensibly and logically to what extent your fears are justified, whether there was real evidence in his words and behavior so as not to trust him. If he's dining where his ex goes, consider whether he's given any real reason to doubt himself. If not, then tell yourself that there is nothing to not trust him.
If he openly flirts with her and shows his interest with all his appearance, then this is a completely different scenario for solving the problem.
She's better than me
Jealousy often arises from the feeling that this person is better than us. She has a great job, beautiful clothes, a luxury car you can only dream of and still manages to look like Megan Fox.
This style of thinking can cause not only jealousy, but also self-pity. However, remember, you can only see part of her life. You are not familiar with many aspects of her existence, which may not be as perfect as you imagine.
Try to regain your confidence. Instead of worrying about your loved one going somewhere, try to become a better person and take care of yourself. Take care of your figure or study a foreign language, this will not only distract your mind, but also raise your self-esteem.
Higher self-esteem will help reduce the intensity of your jealousy.
