Eternal Sacrifice
Such girls faced violence and humiliation or, as children, received love and care only when they were sick and in trouble.
In adulthood, they continue to build relationships according to this scenario. “Eternal victim” is an unsuitable candidate for the role of a wife. She is like a broken car that has to be constantly pushed. A man will sooner or later get tired of solving problems that have no end and end, wiping away tears with or without reason, supporting and caring for him without receiving the same in return. If you recognize yourself in the description, work on building your self-esteem. Once you start respecting yourself, others will look at you from a different perspective.
Why are mistakes often made when choosing a woman to love?
When choosing a loved one, you will always make a mistake. When building a love relationship, it will always be difficult. People are more accustomed to believing in fairy tales where princesses find princes, and their life together is carefree and colorful. But these are fairy tales, novels, fictional stories. They told you how wonderful it would be to live, but they forgot to explain that this simply cannot happen in real life.
There are no perfect people in real life. Each has advantages and disadvantages. Trying to find an ideal partner who will please everyone is a utopia, an illusion, an unrealistic fantasy. When choosing the woman you love, you will always make a mistake. The mistake you will make is not that you chose the wrong partner, but that he will turn out to be an earthly person who has shortcomings, who can be angry, fight, demand and reproach. You also have some flaws. You aren't perfect either. Then why do you think that there are those who will completely suit you?
You will not meet a person who will completely satisfy your desires. Remember the stories when a man is faced with a choice between two women. Whom to choose? I don’t want to choose, because if you choose one, you can lose the valuable and important that the other can give. No matter who a man chooses between two women, he will always lose - he will gain one, but will definitely lose the other. Quite often, in such moments of awareness, you can hear a similar phrase: “If they could be combined, my ideal would be obtained.” The man understands that the most ideal option would be to unite the two ladies between whom there was a choice into one.
When choosing a loved one, you will make a mistake: you will not find someone with whom you will be completely satisfied. Everyone has personal wishes, interests, views on life, shortcomings, bad habits, etc. It is difficult to find a person who would be ideal. Even people themselves are unhappy with themselves.
You can negotiate, ask for something, but your significant other will never completely suit you, because they will not always live according to other people’s orders and meet your expectations. Everyone wants to live the way they are comfortable. All that remains is to choose those flaws and shortcomings that you are willing to live and put up with.
Relationships will also not be cloudless and happy, since people have shortcomings, habits, their own opinions, which do not always coincide with the opinions of their partners, desires and plans for life. Lovers often face situations where they conflict. It’s not the union itself that is bad, it’s just that there was a situation where two opposing opinions, desires, interests, views, etc. collided. This is life! This is fine! But people who believe in fairy tales suffer because they think that everything is over.
Relationships depend entirely on those who build them. They can be made comfortable, cozy, harmonious and strong only if both partners start working on it. Whether you live in hell or heaven with your loved one is 50% up to you. If your life is bad, then think about what you are doing that is turning your relationship into hell. The union is not built by itself. It's hard to build a happy love when you and your partner are weak and imperfect in some way. The funny thing is that it’s normal not to live in heaven, but simply to balance between heaven and hell.
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Daddy's Princess
Princesses are usually useless in everyday life. They indulge in narcissism all day long and don’t even notice the men next to them. Finding a suitable partner turns out to be an impossible task for such a girl, because none of the candidates can come close to the image of the “Prince Charming” and compete with her father.
“Daddy’s princesses” should re-read the fairy tale about the fisherman and the fish, because they will face the same sad end and “broken trough.”
Why we choose the wrong life partners
“I married him because that’s what my mother wanted. Only later did I realize that he and I had nothing in common. Do you understand? Nothing at all. And now I’m paying for my mistakes,” is an approximate monologue of someone who made a mistake.
Why do many people choose the wrong people when they get married?
We don't know/understand ourselves
Happiness is a very, very multifaceted concept. Therefore, in order to become happier with another person, we need to know what constitutes happiness for ourselves. Unfortunately, we know ourselves little and, accordingly, we are looking for a partner according to the most standard requirements (“I need a kind one,” “I need a person with a sense of humor,” “I need an attractive one”), and then we are surprised by the problems that arise.
Examples.
“I was looking for a kind person, but it turned out that he doesn’t refuse anyone at all. Sometimes we sit with the children hungry, and he’s still somewhere in the garage, fixing cars for friends for free.”
Or:
“I was looking for a witty guy, but it turned out that he couldn’t do anything except joke. He’s not growing professionally, he doesn’t want to be a boss, he laughs everything off. But I think a man should climb the career ladder.”
What to do? Don’t grab the first person you come across who offers to date/marry, but scan yourself first if you haven’t already done so. Drive yourself through all areas of life: what is acceptable, what is not, what you love and what you hate.
Humor. Do you like humor? If so, which one? Do you only laugh at harmless jokes? Or do you accept jokes and jokes? Job. What should a man have? With constant or variable income? What salary level is acceptable for you? And for a partner? Do you, your partner, need to strive for promotion? Or will it do just that?
Thus, you need to scan your preferences in the following areas: friends, children (including punishing children), hobbies, family traditions, visiting relatives, conflicts and their resolution, bad habits (which are acceptable for you, which are definitely not), etc. The better you detail your preferences, the easier it will be for you to determine the requirements in choosing a partner.
We don't understand others
Some people get married without taking off their rose-colored glasses. For example, being in a state of intense love and/or drowning in expectations. Moreover, their expectations are usually not voiced: “Guess it yourself.” All this prevents us from adequately assessing a person.
What to do? Foreign psychologists studying this problem believe that before marriage it is necessary to draw up a detailed psychological portrait of the chosen one using testing, and by 2100 this will be considered the norm. But, as my experience shows, many people are wary of psychodiagnostics. And the young people I talked to only liked intelligence tests plus some projective ones, and then only for the interesting tasks. What kind of complete psychological portrait is there?
How to recognize a partner without psychological diagnostics, so as not to get into trouble?
- Chat.
In the first paragraph, I wrote that you need to talk to yourself, learn as much as possible about yourself. Accordingly, according to the same plan, you need to find out everything about your chosen one. Ask about his childhood, relationships with parents, friends, bad habits, find out his attitude towards children (not planning - planning, if so, how many), what kind of punishments there were in the family, what children's punishments he considers acceptable, how he sees his future wife, what demands he makes on her, and what demands on himself as a husband. Points regarding requirements for the wife and husband, as well as household responsibilities, should be discussed before marriage and especially carefully. Otherwise, there is a risk of suddenly finding yourself in the role of a housekeeper.
What else do you need to know? The partner’s attitude towards power and humiliation, attitude towards money, sports, religion. You should also find out what the concept of “fidelity” means for a partner (specifically, with examples), what is betrayal (again, with examples), find out his attitude towards health issues, towards older people, etc.
- Observe
If you have just met, it is likely that your chosen one is still walking on tiptoe, trying to please him. Do you want to know how your partner will treat you in the future? Observe his manner of communication with close relatives. If you evaluate a man, look at how he communicates with his mother, sister, aunt, grandmother. If he is rude to his sister, constantly angry with his mother, and says unpleasant things about his grandmother, it’s time to think about it. More than likely, he will do the same to you, because habit is such an ineradicable thing.
Well, his behavior in the car, especially in a difficult traffic situation, will show you his behavior under stress: is he lost or not lost, is he resourceful, remains polite or does he use foul language, etc. In general, you can observe a variety of situations. Don't be lazy and don't miss this opportunity.
We don't compare madness
Coach and consultant in the field of stress management Anton Motorin says: “We are all crazy in a special way. We are definitely neurotic, unstable and immature, but we don’t know the details because no one has ever encouraged us to look for them.” And it turns out that the main task of our partner will be to accept our inner “crazy people”. Some become enraged during arguments, some are neurotic in a new environment, some fall into a terrible panic due to aerophobia, some empty the refrigerator when very excited, some cannot stand even the slightest hunger and at this moment very angry.
What to do? It is useful to ask each other the question: “What is your madness?” or “In what situations do you behave extremely unusually?” And then see if you can calmly or at least adequately accept the “madness” of another.
We don't know how to be happy
They say you need very little to be happy. If in the morning you had something to eat for breakfast, if you have a roof over your head, if you are healthy, you are happy. But we are not used to being happy “just like that,” and therefore we are looking for happiness somewhere on the side. As a result, we find someone who complicates our path to happiness.
Why? But again everything comes from childhood. A schoolboy fell in love with his peer, “flyed on wings,” wrote poetry, began to study better, and she once kissed someone else. And as a result, the boy develops the attitude: “There is no love without pain.” Therefore, when looking for a new love, he will already choose a rebel or a conflict provocateur. And he will refuse morally healthy candidates because he finds them boring, too sensible or too balanced.
It is precisely because of the incorrectly formed model of “healthy relationships” in childhood/adolescence that we sometimes miss worthy people. Although which of us has not had injuries?
What to do? Find happiness in the little things and deal with trauma. And if not psychotherapy, then at least their self-awareness and reprogramming. "I don't want to be alone"
One of my friends for quite a long time found only psychologically dysfunctional partners with whom she was, accordingly, unlucky. One did not work, the other suffered from bad habits, and the third turned out to be an abuser. To my question “Why do you find such people?” she replied: “I don’t want to be alone.”
On the one hand, we all understand that you cannot rush in choosing a life partner. On the other hand, society still dictates to us that “loneliness is bad.” Some refuse to invite single people to family events, others are embarrassed to come “alone” to a movie or a nightclub, and still others have a high need to be needed, so they look for an outsider, sometimes an unworthy person of the opposite sex.
What to do? Of course, it’s impossible without communications; we are, after all, social creatures. But you can realize your communication in other areas - in work, social life, holidays, hobbies, travel. It's better than getting involved in a destructive relationship with someone you barely know.
