Psychologists like to say that love relationships between a man and a woman are often built according to the parental scenario. In simple words, if a child sees respect and love, he has a greater chance of a happy personal life . But if violence, endless swearing, neglect flourishes between mom and dad, the likelihood of stepping on the same rake, growing up and throwing in the towel with the wrong person increases.
In this topic, we will pay attention to the “father-daughter” relationship and see what influence dad has on a girl’s life. Believe me, in many ways she will follow his example (albeit unconsciously), because he is a significant man in her life, it is with him that she gets her first experience of communicating with the opposite sex.
Types of fathers and their influence on the lives of daughters. Why don't relationships with men work out?
Type 1. Formal Dad
This category includes constantly absent fathers who are working, actively building a career, or devoting all their free time to their favorite hobbies. It seems like there is a dad, but it seems like he doesn’t. You can’t share your experiences with him, there is no help or support from him, he is busy with his own projects, his family comes last. Growing up next to an emotionally unavailable father, a girl gets used to fighting for a man’s attention by any means necessary - achievements, illnesses, defiant behavior. In adulthood, she repeats this mistake - she falls in love with unavailable men (married, cold, workaholics) who need to be pursued.
How to get out of a vicious circle? Accept that no man can replace your daddy, make up for the lack of love. Now you are in severe disadvantages, but it’s easy to fix this - learn to love yourself, take care of yourself, and give support. And if you see that your partner does not meet halfway, does not give feedback - put an end to it, this is not your game.
Type 3. Overprotective dad
From the outside, such fathers seem like a real ideal - they look after their daughters like mother hens, take an interest in their lives, take upon themselves the solution to all their problems, protect them from injuries and attacks from other men. For an overprotective father, a daughter is more important than his wife; in a sense, she takes the place of her mother, violating the family hierarchy. What problems can this lead to? Firstly, the girl does not grow up and becomes an infant, unable to live independently. Secondly, she does not feel her own boundaries and may fall in love with an authoritarian man who will control her in everything, like a daddy. The third scenario is that she may avoid serious relationships so as not to lose freedom and independence. Love in her head will be associated with suffocating care and prohibitions, with the betrayal of her beloved father.
How to change the situation? To overthrow the holy face of the father from the pedestal, to get angry, to see his imperfection. Start working with your boundaries, learn to say “no,” express your desires, master aggressiveness. Understanding that relationships can be different is not always a golden cage. You are an adult who builds your own life.
What to do if your relationship with a man doesn’t work out
Harsh statistics say that every second marriage breaks up, and the situation with relationships is even worse. But, despite this, everyone believes that this will not affect them in any way, because their love is real, and their feelings are stronger than ever. And in fact this is correct. You cannot doubt or worry that what happens to others can affect you. You should always get pleasure and joy from life, no matter how difficult and unpredictable it may be at times. Therefore, if everything is fine with you, do not be interested in what to do when the relationship ends. Don’t poison your soul, don’t get upset and don’t turn into a girl who constantly suffers and worries. This depresses men.
If the relationship has exhausted itself, then it is imperative to figure out what happened. Because no matter who initiated the breakup, resentment, disappointment and pain will definitely appear. Since the decision to break off the relationship coming from a woman will cause her resentment that she spent so much time on such a person. She begins to doubt herself, as a woman, in men, if she suddenly meets someone like him again, in her ability to choose a suitable partner and in her own serious attitude towards her personal life, since she did not notice that he is not the hero of her novel.
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When the initiator is a man, there will be doubts about whether she is worthy of love, fear of being left alone, uncertainty about her own attractiveness and a constant desire to understand what she did wrong and what she did wrong. All these negative emotions and unpleasant thoughts collapse immediately. And the most dangerous thing is that a person may not be aware of them at all. He simply feels resentment, anger and pain in his soul, which makes him want to climb the wall. But, not knowing what provokes these feelings, he is not able to get rid of them. And this threatens not only the destruction of one’s own self-esteem, even if it was inflated, but also severe depression.
Prolonged stay in a depressed state and tension has a detrimental effect on the entire body, disrupting the normal functioning of cells, and leading to insufficient production of certain hormones on which our well-being and mood depend, thereby provoking the occurrence of severe depression, which can only be cured with using tablets.
So the first thing after a breakup is no need to push your feelings deeper, try to pretend that everything is fine. This will only make the situation worse and cause harm. Don't be shy about being hurt. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it hurts everyone.
If possible, be sure to stay at home for a couple of days. It’s much more difficult to deal with the situation in public; this way you can only distract yourself a little from sad thoughts, putting them off for later. But the longer negative emotions remain in the soul, the longer it will take to recover, since the post-traumatic period will drag on.
Left alone with yourself, throw out aggression. If you practice martial arts, if you have a punching bag at home, hit it. For everyone else, you can use a pillow, some thing left over from your ex. It can be torn into small pieces, cut and flushed into the toilet. Do some squats or jog in place. You need to release your rage and anger so that your brain can think rationally.
Photo: what to do if the relationship doesn’t work out
When a person is overwhelmed by anger, he is unable to make any adequate decisions. His instincts speak for him. That's why it's so important to let your emotions out.
Then the time will come when you want to cry. Cry. Feel sorry for yourself, throw out all the bitterness and resentment, rage and pain in tears. And then surround with care. Pour some tea, wrap yourself in a blanket, and sleep. Sleep is the best medicine. It will give you the opportunity to calm down and restore energy, which will allow you to cope with the situation that has arisen.
Type 4. Critical Dad
With a perfectionist parent, the child is always not good enough in comparison with others, does not live up to expectations, causes irritation and anger. Perhaps dad wanted a boy, but a girl appeared, or he didn’t want children at all. No matter how hard her daughter tries, she will not be able to appease him. Throughout her childhood she will struggle with an inferiority complex and will grow up unsure of her right to happiness. For relationships, such girls will choose either the same powerful and devaluing men - psychopaths, narcissists, critics - or weak and pathetic losers (they are not worthy of others).
How to get out of a destructive scenario? Stop proving to your dad that you deserve his love and good attitude, stop looking up to his grades in everything, and realize his dreams. You have grown up, this is your life and your rules. Don’t be afraid to become “bad”, to start going against your father’s will, to put him in his place. He is far from ideal and has made a lot of mistakes, try to see them.
Why relationships don't work out
- Author - Olga Semishina
- Created: 2019-10-31 15:15:26
Dedicated to all women who want to have a family and a happy relationship with a man, but for some reason it doesn’t work out. It's as if an invisible wall stands between you and the world around you. And the silent question “What’s wrong with me?” sounds in your head, to which there is no answer.
Relationships are a dance of two. Everyone brings their own desires, expectations and experiences to the dance. Yes, I can dance the way I learned. Therefore, the expectation that we will meet “the one” whose internal settings coincide with our expectations is a hopeless story. The focus of attention in this case is exclusively on your desire. The other is needed as a mirror of the woman herself. This means that there is simply no place for anyone else with his personal history in this space. And this is the first reason why there is an invisible wall between “I’m single” and “I’m in a happy relationship.”
The second reason is past relationship experience. This is the experience of relationships with men, all of our “exes”. And also the first experience of relationships as such - the first experience of love that we get with the closest people - our parents. There is so much lack of attention, acceptance and expectations left here. There are so many unfinished scenarios that, like anchors, keep us chained to the same type of men. So many grievances and suppressed tears. We may not think about it and not experience negatively charged emotions towards our parents and exes, because the landfill has long been overgrown. But deep down, misaligned settings again and again lead to suffering in your personal life.
The third reason is when there is only enough energy for two. Energy and attention distributed among three people is energy-consuming compared to a dyad. There is no built-in model where there are three equal participants. And the third one who appears in the person of the child takes the place of the partner in the woman’s soul. And the man is excluded from the family. His role often begins to be played by his son. Or a woman becomes the breadwinner in the family and her femininity is devalued.
The fourth reason is where the triangle is built on the basis of betrayal. It doesn’t matter which side the participants are on, because the competing parties are also in a relationship, just like the perpetrator of the adultery. In such relationships there are always very strong emotions and experiences. And, unfortunately, again suffering and deprivation instead of a feeling of happiness.
"What is wrong with me?" - asks herself a woman who has been without a partner for a long time. Which failed, trying to glue the relationship. Who herself initiated a break with a man, despite the fact that she once loved. Dear, lovely women! That's how it is with you! And it always has been! Feelings of inferiority, loneliness and hopelessness can cover anyone when self-confidence and self-worth breaks down inside. But this in no way indicates female defectiveness or deficiency. Women tend to fall into the trap of such states for only one reason - their biological nature is designed this way. But a woman has an amazing property - flexibility and the ability to regenerate!
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Type 6. Sunday Dad
A classic example is a divorced father who comes only on weekends or works in another country, goes on long expeditions, after which he returns with a bag of gifts and squanders money, trying to compensate for a long absence. In such a family, a girl gets the following picture: a bad mother, with whom life seems dull and dull, and a cool dad, capable of making a holiday out of everything. In the future, she will look for men with whom she will feel fun, easy and interesting. But as soon as the candy-bouquet period ends, the routine begins - and they wave to the partner, looking for a new “donor”.
How to get out of this scenario? Work with the image of your mother, recognize her contribution to your upbringing, look for advantages in routine. Your mother did the most difficult work: she raised you, fed you, educated you, and was always there. Don't devalue her work. The father was not ideal, look at him through the eyes of an adult, appreciate his attempt to replace real intimacy with candy and trips to the amusement park. But life does not consist of only entertainment.
Type 7. Dad depressed by mom
You've seen families like this: a strong, lively woman next to a quiet and pathetic man who obeys her in everything and will never contradict her. The mother behaves authoritarianly, does not value her husband at all, does not take into account his desires, and is dismissive of his profession, achievements, and interests. And the girl takes her example - she chooses exactly the same downtrodden guy, whom she crushes under herself in everything. And then all his life he makes claims to him, trying to rise above his background. And if she comes across a strong partner, she will definitely enter into competition, begin to provoke him, pester him with hysterics and tests of loyalty, until he breaks down or leaves.
How to change the situation? Separate from your mother, stop looking up to her in everything. Try to look at your father with different eyes - what did you not notice before? Perhaps he is a sensitive person, creative, loyal, caring - these qualities are worthy of recognition. Learn to respect the stronger sex, give up manipulation, stop devaluing the merits of other people just because they lose to you in something. You also have flaws and weaknesses, but this does not detract from your value.
“No relationships - men just disappear”
Anna, let's try to analyze what kind of unconscious behavior begins to turn on in you, which provokes men to change their attitude towards you.
You had experience in a serious relationship - this confirms that men did not always run away after the first communication. What was that relationship like for you? How did you behave in them? How is your behavior and positioning different now? How did your previous relationship end? What lessons did you learn from them?
Perhaps the breakup became extremely traumatic, after which you significantly changed something in your behavior? It is quite possible that there are some troubling moments in your marriage, and then you unconsciously prevent yourself from getting into a serious relationship.
You write that you try not to impose yourself (so that the man is a hunter), you have studied a lot of literature on the subject - it seems that you are trying to behave “ideally”, but do not present your real self in contact with another person. Why are you afraid of your real self?
Correctness is always unnatural and is felt in communication.
Please note that the request has a lot of emphasis on men: you do a lot for their comfort, but mention very little about your comfort and your feelings. Trying to please a man with your ideality, you leave yourself and thereby lose the opportunity to build a relationship with the right person.
When you are not truly focused on your life, when you do not have true interest in yourself, when your partner or family becomes the main goal, you lose not only interest in the eyes of others, but also your own happiness, satisfaction from your life path.
An important point that I would recommend paying attention to is what kind of men do you choose? Perhaps you are attracted to those who are absolutely not in the mood for a serious relationship? In this case, it is worth analyzing the image of a man who is unconsciously interesting to you. Who can get your attention? How do you begin to feel around him?
When choosing a man from your internal emotional trauma, you find familiar experiences from the past (perhaps in this case your feeling of rejection is actualized?), but not a stable and healthy relationship.
To choose a partner that is suitable for you personally, you need to tune in first of all to yourself. Try to feel what you are like. If you don’t take into account external factors (education, prestigious job), what kind of person are you? How open are you to yourself and are you in touch with your emotional side? What manifestations and qualities do you find difficult? Where are your personal boundaries?
You need to know and feel this in order to choose in life what suits you personally. Now it seems that only you are chosen or not chosen, but not you. Where are you in your life?
