Dealing with feelings
To make a decision and make a choice, you need to deal with feelings. And here a man can get completely confused. Indeed, in addition to love for one of the women, he may experience a feeling of guilt, shame, suffering due to the fact that he will cause pain to someone, confusion, etc.
The choice will be painful. Some men generally say that there is no need to make any choice. Let everything take its course, and the situation will resolve itself. However, it should be understood that the situation may not resolve for the best. The saddest option would be for both women to leave. And since a man will never voluntarily agree to be alone, abandoning both his wife and his mistress, he will have to make a choice.
How to make a choice? The following steps are suggested here:
- First, remember your desires. What do you really want from a love relationship? Think about your future, no matter who is next to you. First, imagine the future that you desire.
- Now answer yourself the question, in a relationship with which of the two women you are closest to your desired future. Both women are different, just as the relationships with them are also different. Which union most closely resembles the one you want to have in the future.
Most likely, none of the relationships are completely suitable for you, otherwise you would not be faced with the choice. Each of the unions has its own disadvantages. However, you like some union more than the other. It’s just painful for you to imagine the moment when you will part with one of the women.
Another solution to the problem may be to imagine a future with each of the women. You have two options for the future: which one do you choose? The future in a relationship with each woman will be different. Choose the future you are most willing to face.
Of course, all these are assumptions and hypotheses. How your relationship with this or that woman will develop will become known in the future. And you just accept the idea that you can love another woman. If you feel ashamed because you first loved your wife and now fell in love with your mistress, then accept it as a natural phenomenon. If you really want to be with your lover, then there is nothing wrong with that.
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Models ↑
Husband, wife and lover
Husband, wife and lover - this is a classic triangle. It is easier to consider such a situation from the perspective of each participant.
The woman in this model does not intend to harm her husband. Her aspirations are directed towards herself: she wants to be desired and necessary.
She wants to again feel like the woman her husband has not seen in her for a long time. A woman deprived of the attention of her husband easily gives in to feelings on the side.
For her, meetings with her lover are a kind of outlet, a source of pleasant time. As a rule, both participants in this relationship do not plan a long, serious relationship.
For a lover, being in such a situation is extremely convenient. His husband is not a competitor for him, because... He does not plan to take the woman away from the family, but he is guaranteed more or less constant intimate meetings.
At the same time, no one limits the lover’s freedom and makes no demands typical of a serious relationship.
The husband's position in such a situation plays a key role. The duration and outcome of such a relationship will depend on how he behaves - whether he notices the betrayal or pretends that nothing is happening, whether he tries to regain his wife’s affection or categorically decides to break off the relationship.
Wife, husband and lover
This relationship is a real extreme for a man. He is aware of their prohibition, which turns him on even more and attracts him to his mistress.
For many years he was faithful to one woman, and now all his free time and thoughts are given to her. The man gives his mistress gifts and sends her dozens of SMS with confessions and tender words.
But statistics show that a very small percentage of men in such a situation decide to divorce their spouses for the sake of their mistresses.
This is due to the fact that it is difficult for a man to readjust for a new relationship, because he is so accustomed to a certain course of married life that a new family is a complete unknown for him
An established family life, of course, is boring, but this boredom can be overcome if you have a mistress. Having an affair on the side brings new sensations into a man’s life, but it is important to end such relationships in time, otherwise problems with both women cannot be avoided.
Who suffers more?
Rarely does one of the parties to the love triangle strive to enter into a new marriage relationship. Secret calls and meetings are so exhausting that communication ends quite quickly.
Perhaps the cheating party, on a subconscious level, wants to create a family with an “illegal” passion, but showing loyalty to the spouses forces them to maintain a real family.
Lovers are taken to fill an inner emptiness. Outside communication is one way to fill this void.
As a rule, saturation occurs very quickly, and returning to the family may not be so smooth:
- Suffering husbands and wives are not always ready to start “all over again” and forgive the betrayal. Men experience betrayal especially hard. This not only humiliates their manhood, but also destroys their picture of the world. They view cheating not only as a specific situation with a specific woman, but also transfer it to all women. In the future, it will be very difficult for such men to learn to trust women again.
- Women are more prone to emotional experiences. For them, cheating on a spouse is a real tragedy. But they know how to forgive, especially if there are children in the family. The return of a prodigal husband to the family is a small victory for a woman, although they remember the betrayal for a long time.
- For a male lover, such a relationship is short-term and is rarely built on great love, but rather on physical pleasure.
- But a woman-lover at a certain moment realizes that she is some way of release, but not an object for a serious long-term relationship. The man celebrates holidays in the family, and she is left with hours of gray everyday life. The man does not invite her to restaurants and theaters, because they might be seen together.
In any case, the situation of a love triangle is individual and so are the circumstances that pushed people to cheat. But it brings more suffering for all parties than happiness.
I love both
The choice becomes even more difficult to make when a man declares: “I love both!” Here he is definitely confused in his feelings, which makes choice completely impossible. How can you choose if a person seems to love both women?
A typical confession of a man who cheated goes like this. First he loved his wife. She was beautiful, charming, sweet, kind, so he chose her as his wife. However, over the years the feelings subsided. He had long forgotten what it meant to be a man. Problems and constant worries turned their life into a routine. And then he met another - his mistress. He couldn't resist her sexuality, cheerful smile and ringing voice. She became a breath of air for him.
Now he is faced with a choice when he must abandon his wife, with whom he has gone through a lot and is grateful for everything, or his mistress, who inspires him, excites him, excites him, sexually satisfies him, and gives him rest.
Indeed, it is difficult to choose between a habit, a quiet life, and sex, a temporary hobby. A man may think he loves because he gets everything he needs from his women. Although in fact he may feel gratitude, sexual arousal, interest, etc.
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How to stop being a mistress and become a wife
Every woman wants to get married successfully, but only some of them become mistresses. The relationship between a man and his mistress is based solely on intimacy; there can be no talk of love here. However, some girls experience the deepest feelings for their lover, but are afraid to admit them for fear of being rejected in mutual feelings. And only a small percentage of lovers want to change their relationship. If a man is married, and as he thinks, everything suits him. Accordingly, he does not believe that anything needs to be changed in his life. And most men do not want to break off relations with their wife. They would rather leave their mistress and find another “victim” for love pleasures. But not everything is so simple here, because everything depends on the woman: how she meets him, cares for him, etc.
If a man truly becomes imbued with deep feelings for his mistress, and he will feel better with her than with his wife, he can leave the family. A man can leave his wife, but not his children and his responsibilities for raising them. His mistress should know about this. He will not belong only to her, even if he moves with his things. He will still have to date his ex-wife because of the children.
Such situations are especially observed when the marriage lasts for several years. Accordingly, feelings for the woman he loved faded away, only everyday affection remained. His mistress gives him new emotions, inspires him to take new actions, and fills him with hopes for a future together. In this case, the mistress can count on getting the role of wife. But you still have to fight for this, because the man will compare you with his wife. And you will hear about this more than once.
10 “NOT” to change status
Why you shouldn't rush to change your status. Let's look at this issue together:
1. You should not impose your initiative. 2. Don't completely dissolve in it. 3. There is no need to live in illusions. 4. Don't believe what he promises. 5. Don't turn a man against his family. 6. Don't make an idol out of him. 7. There is no need to ask where he was, who is calling, you are not his wife. 8. Do not refuse the attention of other men. 9. Don’t limit yourself to the joys of life. 10. Do not attach much importance to your current status, enjoy the relationship here and now.
A man may complain to his mistress that he has not had sex with his wife for a long time, lives with her for the sake of the children, and so on. In fact, they take mistresses for sexual pleasure. If a girl starts demanding a divorce from his wife and creating scenes of jealousy, he will simply leave her. After all, his wife copes well with this.
What makes a married man take a mistress?
According to scientific research, a man is looking for what he lacks in a marriage. This is support, sex, admiration. Often, mistresses turn out to be sensual and passionate, unlike their wives. If you feel that your husband is cheating on you, you should not tolerate his pleasures on the side, ask yourself what he lacks in his relationship with you and what you can change in yourself or in your attitude towards your husband so that he does not look for it on the side.
Elena,
How to break a love triangle?
Psychologists note that the love triangle is in many ways similar to the Karpman triangle:
- The man/woman who finds a lover is a victim.
- The husband/wife of a cheater is a tyrant.
- Lover/mistress is a lifesaver.
Drawing an analogy, we can note a similar psychology of individuals, as well as an algorithm for unfolding events that are observed in any Karpman triangle.
The victim begins to notice the shortcomings or demandingness of his significant other (husband/wife). Due to his weakness and inability to be courageous, decisive, and resolve issues, the victim seeks a rescuer. She teams up with him to criticize the tyrant and feel like a strong person. And so it goes on until
- the rescuer supports the victim in her thoughts (and the cheater is not going to solve his problems, he is comfortable with the situation in which everyone finds themselves);
- someone will not leave the game (only a tyrant or a rescuer can do this, since the victim is comfortable with the current situation);
- the rescuer himself will not become a tyrant (then the victim will return to his husband/wife to unite against the "former rescuer", which will unite them briefly until the lover/mistress leaves).
The victim is not going to solve his problem. Despite all the troubles, it is she who creates the situation where lovers/mistresses appear, since this gives her benefits. One of two things can happen here:
- If the rescuer leaves the game, then the cheater will begin to look for another lover/mistress.
- If the tyrant (husband/wife) leaves the game, in this case the victim will make a new tyrant out of his rescuer.
In a love triangle, as in Karpman's triangle, only the victim benefits. She will always find a tyrant from whom she will run to the rescuer. If there is no tyrant, she will create one, even if this person turns out to be the one who previously played the role of a rescuer. New rescuers will always be sought. Moreover, the victim will always be right in everything, weak, helpless and blaming.
It is difficult for a man to make a choice because he only receives benefits from the position in which he is. However, it should be understood that if the man does not make the decision, then one of the women will do it for him.
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