Why does my husband drink? Guide to action

Mistakes that wives of drinking husbands should not make

Experts highlight a number of mistakes that should not be made by women who want to rid their husbands of alcohol addiction. So, what steps should be avoided if the husband drinks alcohol daily?

1. Searching for excuses. Never look for factors that justify your spouse.
2. Performing tasks that should be solved exclusively by your man.
3. An attempt to hide your feelings, not wanting to demonstrate that something is bothering you.
4. Making efforts to hide the existing problem from those close to you.
5. Finding a spouse from relatives and friends when he is in a drunken state.
6. A woman's attempt to convince her husband that it is better to drink alcohol at home rather than on the street. By voicing such a proposal, you make it clear that he may continue to abuse alcohol.
7. Intimidating the husband to take serious measures (divorce, moving in with his parents, etc.).
8. Showing compassion for your drinking spouse

My husband got drunk, how should he behave?

Don't forgive violence.

Alcohol has a strong impact on the human psyche; at the moment of alcohol intoxication, some people are prone to violence. If your husband becomes aggressive after drinking alcohol and raises his hand against you, find a safe place and immediately contact the police. Document any incidents of violence. There is no need to cover up and turn a blind eye to such cases of violence. They will be repeated, your loved ones may suffer from such violence - children, elderly parents, etc. Make it clear to your husband that you will not tolerate such an attitude towards you and your children, let him immediately feel all the consequences and responsibility for his behavior. Take care of your safety. They can help you if you call the hotline.

• Russia: Call the National Center for Violence Prevention "ANNA" at 8 (800) 7000–600.
• Worldwide help can be sought at https://www.hotpeachpages.net/. There you will find a list of crisis centers around the world.

Don't try to threaten.

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Speak in a calm voice, avoid harsh and dismissive words in conversation. For example, at such moments you should not call him a “drunkard” or an alcoholic. Your task is to keep the situation under control, since under the influence of alcohol a person does not control his actions, you need to be very calm and not lose your temper. Don't argue, try to avoid sensitive topics.

• If he starts to get angry and the tension increases greatly, stop the conversation and tell him that now is not the right time to talk about this topic.
• Avoid arguments and painful topics. He may provoke you. Don't answer him with anger, save your face and don't give him a reason to hit you.

Distract.

Offer him food and soft drinks. It is necessary to help your husband sober up as quickly as possible, to do this, direct his attention to food and non-alcoholic drinks. Offer him something to eat or drink juice. Distract him with this so that he is less drawn to alcohol. If he drinks non-stop, you can dispose of all the alcohol in your home.

Make compromises.

There is no point in arguing with a person who is not able to think clearly, there is no need to escalate the situation. Try to find a way out and a compromise that will satisfy your husband and will not violate your principles.

Set boundaries.

If his alcoholism is negatively impacting you, set clear boundaries. Make it clear to him that you will not have any conversations with him about you as a married couple; if he's drunk, refuse to solve any problems while he's drunk.

• Tell him not to drink at home or in front of the children. Don't hang out with him if he's drinking or talk to him when he's drunk.
• Set boundaries based on your own needs. If you set boundaries, communicate them to your husband and make sure he understands.

Make an escape plan.

Very often, alcoholic psychosis, such as delirium tremens, develops against the background of alcohol abuse. At this time, a person can pose a danger both to himself and to others. Think in advance about what you will need to do in a critical situation. The main task is to ensure the safety of yourself and your children. Try to calmly explain to your husband that you need to feel safe, so you are leaving home until he comes to his senses.

Drinking husband: quit or save?

Russia is full of women who openly admit that they are carrying their cross and sacrificing their career and youth for the sake of their family.

Photo: Ekaterina MARTINOVICH

The story told by 39-year-old reader Tatyana is quite typical. During quarantine, her husband lost his job and started drinking. To be honest, he always drank, but here he seemed to go off the rails.

Became an “alcohol positive wife”

Tatyana was lucky - she was able to work remotely and the pandemic did not affect her salary in any way, but it affected her personal life in the most deplorable way.

“I still love my husband and I’m sorry that he gave up so quickly and gave up, but I can’t stand the constant smell of alcohol from him anymore,” said Tatyana. “He is a very interesting, well-read person, a real erudite, and he deserves more in life than sleeping on the couch, but I can’t help it.”

Having read psychological magazines, the woman even tried to drink with her husband, to be, so to speak, an alcohol-positive wife. Recent studies have been reported: they say that couples who drink alcohol together quarrel less often, and their problems literally settle down. But this type of struggle for family happiness did not help.

New love is a betrayal

In a matter of months, her cheerful and active 40-year-old husband turned into a weak-willed creature, unable to even clean up the trash after himself. As they say, he turned from a wealthy person to a wealthy one. Out of worry, Tatiana went to a psychological support group to understand whether she should tolerate her drinking spouse or whether it would be better to get a divorce immediately.

“It’s as if I’m being torn apart: on the one hand, I want to save our marriage and return my husband to a normal life, on the other, I’m so tired that sometimes I think it would be better to end this painful relationship. He doesn’t want to undergo treatment, he says he can handle it on his own, but for 5 months now I don’t remember him being sober. He still manages to joke, saying that he created the fortune with his own hands, meaning the state of alcoholic intoxication.

Another surprise was that in the support group Tatyana met a handsome man, Konstantin, who began to show interest in her.

“Kostya’s wife died two years ago, and it was difficult for him to create new relationships,” Tanya admitted. — We both have children, 13 and 14 years old, we have a lot of common topics, we started corresponding, went to a cafe a couple of times. I see that he likes me, and I like him very much. But I’m afraid to go deeper into this relationship; it would be a betrayal of my husband, who is seriously ill.

It's convenient to be a victim

Tatiana's friends unanimously say that she will no longer help her husband and that she needs to think about her future. And Konstantin is a serious person, an entrepreneur, with an apartment and a dacha. In a word, an enviable groom. But Tatyana stands her ground: her legal husband would never betray her in a difficult situation, because alcoholism is a disease like any other.

“I often think that if, God forbid, something bad happened to me and my husband left me in trouble, would he find someone else? - Tatyana thinks out loud. “We swore an oath of fidelity to each other, and I don’t want to break this oath.” I often remember the happy moments of our life and how good we felt. On the other hand, I am afraid for the life of my teenage daughter, because when he is drunk, he is inadequate and can be aggressive...

It is possible that a stereotype lives in Tatyana’s mind: “I’m already nearing forty, whoever takes me with a child is better than none. And it is precisely because of the fear of losing the fragile stability that she still has that she will endure her husband’s antics for several more years.

It is also possible that she herself is comfortable being in the position of a victim of circumstances: during periods of clarity of consciousness, the drinking partner gives her words of tenderness, swears love until the grave, and the rest of the time she saves him with rapture, feeling almost like a heroine. It seems that there will be no alcoholic spouse in her life - and there will be nothing to do!

Good men are boring

Because of her drinking husband, Tatyana almost stopped taking care of herself: she no longer has anywhere to go in new dresses and with her hair, she does not invite friends to visit. The apartment resembles an infirmary with only one patient, and their life with their daughter is completely subordinated to his condition.

“We rejoice when my husband falls asleep,” says Tanya. “Then you can watch a movie or have a quiet dinner.” My neighbors also have drinking husbands, maybe this is our national trait?

Russia is full of women who openly admit that they are carrying their cross and sacrificing their career and youth for the sake of their family. It just so happened that the path of martyrdom is close to us. This is why good men, such as Konstantin, seem boring, uninteresting, and there is no sense of drama around them.

Actions the wife takes to save herself

Find inner strength.

A man who feels that there is a strong and independent woman next to him becomes wary and begins to behave completely differently.

Move your love aside.

Use the method: of course, I love you, but since you drink, be so kind as to solve your troubles yourself. Plus, dress yourself up with charm and attractiveness. You can change your image. Ask yourself: what kind of woman is with a non-alcoholic husband next to her? Find that image and make it a reality.

Set penalties.

This is indeed a working technique, but it should be used when the situation is extremely critical. Do not use fines to satisfy personal interests or to avenge your torment. This path will not lead to the desired result. How then to use them?

• don't pay attention to your husband;
• do not engage in cooking, washing or cleaning;
• cause jealousy;
• kick everyone out with your drinking buddy, feigning a migraine;
• take a video where you can clearly see your husband’s drunken antics and threats against you - say that you will show this to all relatives and friends (it works flawlessly!);
• scare him that you will file for divorce, you can go for a while, for example, to a friend;
• intimidate that you are going to change the apartment;
• enter into an agreement with the local police officer and call the police during your husband’s disgraceful behavior. When the spouse spends several days in prison, he will quickly sober up.

We figured out the stages of how to live with an alcoholic and how to behave as a wife. But what is the source of drunkenness?

drunk husband insults

Hello! I have two small children, 4 years and 8 months old, as well as a husband who lately likes to drink cognac at home! and as he gets drunk, he becomes bad not only to me, but also to the children! he can call me names just like that, or send me somewhere, and if I call him back, he follows me and opens his arms, wants to hit me on the lips! In general, he turns into some kind of drunken fool-tyrant!!! and yesterday he said that he doesn’t respect me as a woman, just get out of here!!! I have nowhere to go, except maybe to my grandmother, but I understand that if I leave, how can I do it alone without my husband!!! When he's sober he doesn't behave like that!!! but I’m so tired of listening to all this, enduring his attitude towards me, disrespect!!! the next morning he behaves arrogantly, as if it were my fault!!((how can I help with advice??!!! He doesn’t respect me at all!? How can I earn respect??

Author's addition from 06/02/11 11:31:58

how to harmonize relationships?? I completely depend on him both financially and in terms of housing! I don’t really want to live with my grandmother!!! but I don’t want to be spineless, someone who can be pushed and called names!!! how should you behave? After all, we already have two children!!! the eldest son is already afraid of our quarrels! me! his pride is everywhere!

Author's addition from 06/02/11 12:22:43

I don’t have low self-esteem at all, I’m a beautiful blonde, slim figure, and he doesn’t suffer from low self-esteem either! the quarrel begins when he sits drinking, if something is not his way, he raises his voice at me or orders something, but I can’t stand it! I can’t just go out silently and that’s it, and we have a word for a word and that’s it! and so every time!!! I don’t understand the fact that he doesn’t respect me when he’s drunk! I want to work! but how? With small children this is not possible at all! for now at least!!! spineless, I meant weak-willed, that he would say this and do it, because this is his house according to him!!! We're all bad!!! Now my son and I have gone for a bike ride, I called him to find out what time they would arrive, he sent me to the f...!!! I’m starting to hate him!!!(((((friends advise him to quietly take the money and leave! but the money will run out someday and that’s it!!! what next?? and even if we get divorced, if I imagine him with another woman, I’m consumed by jealousy and hysteria it’s starting! maybe I need to get treatment... I’ve been with him since I was 17... now I’m 23, he’s 29, I’ve dedicated my entire youth to him and even already have 2 children!

Solution

Try to talk calmly with the guy, explain that you don’t really like watching him in a drunken state

What to do if a guy drinks? Every girl who wants to try to save a relationship and help her loved one asks a similar question. Recommendations to help find a solution to the problem and overcome addiction:

• try to talk calmly with the guy, explain that you don’t really like watching him in a drunken state, that alcohol can cause discord and separation;
• try to find the reason for the formation of alcohol addiction, as they say, “there is no smoke without fire,” perhaps by finding out the problem of abuse, you will be able to persuade the guy to quit his addiction;
• explain the possible consequences of abuse, give an example of common diseases (delirium tremens, schizophrenia, epilepsy), take the young man to a rehabilitation center where seriously ill patients are treated, perhaps seeing them, the man will think about his future;
• if a guy finds himself in bad company, try to “break” him out of it, explain that friends should help, not pour money on him.

According to statistics, addiction to alcohol occurs within 2-3 years, do not allow complications, try to have a conversation, explain to the young man that company, failures and life situations will pass sooner or later, but you can lose relationships, love and self-confidence once and for all. forever.