Take off your high heels and put away your sexy clothes
Any uncomfortable clothes and shoes are a sign that the girl is trying to seem like someone she is not. I have not met a single woman who believes that stiletto heels (especially in winter) are comfortable and practical. However, many suffer, but hobble on these eerie structures on the ice. Believe me, the beauty of your legs will not be killed by an anatomically justified heel of 4-5 cm. And sneakers will not kill you. And the length of the skirt does not play a decisive role, nor does the depth of the neckline. On the contrary, the more you hear in the image: “Look at me, I’m beautiful, take me,” the more likely it is that your relationship will turn out to be completely different from what you dreamed of.
Forget about plastic surgery
The first symptom of neurosis and self-dislike is the desire to improve your appearance. I’ll make a reservation: we’re not talking about an obvious physical defect that you yourself are not happy with, say, a large mole on the nose or a crooked nasal septum, because of which you cannot breathe normally, this is another matter. But neither breast enlargement, nor hip reduction, nor pumped up cheekbones will make you happy. You are simply disfiguring yourself, because you were created unique, but you become “standard”: a thin nose, plump lips... they don’t love you or not love you for them. If he stresses you out, just break up with him. Don't be afraid to be alone. Not a single man in the whole world is worth breaking himself, bending under him, neglecting his desires and needs. No one.
Mikhail Labkovsky: How to be happy when everything is unclear
Anna Grabarskaya learned from a psychologist how not to be afraid of your desires
After 30 years of practice, you have probably felt that women's attitudes towards their role in society are changing.
Yes. Women are becoming more free, but the “market” is severely slowing them down, because there are many times fewer men. This is if we are talking about Ukraine. This is not the case in Europe. But this is relevant for Ukraine, Russia and Belarus.
But we will be read by real women, not statistics. Therefore, it must be said that there are women who have been married five times. They are not the most beautiful and not the youngest. At the same time, someone will complain that there are not enough men, and say that feminism should wait until you need to get married. And at the same time, there are people who are confident in themselves, and they calmly get married, and more than once.
So even for feminists, in your opinion, the main issues are still related to men and marriage?
Unless they're lesbians.
Almost every week another harassment scandal breaks out in the West. But in the post-Soviet space, women practically do not tell their stories. Why?
It depends on the mentality of a particular country and on the historical moment. Today in Ukraine and Russia, neither society would support these women, nor the state. Here society is lukewarm about this - they say, “I would like your problems.” Maybe in 50 years in Ukraine there will be a completely different attitude towards such things.
Everything that we, post-Soviet girls, previously knew about relationships has become irrelevant in feminist realities. How to figure it out?
Post-Soviet girls look at the Soviet past with one eye and the European future with the other. Therefore, they are torn apart by contradictions. But you need to behave naturally, try to do what you want and not do what you don’t want. This is the only normal behavior.
If we are talking about Ukraine, some of the youth already have a different psychology, and some still want to live by the past principles, because it seems to them that before everyone was attached, and in the Soviet Union there was an institution of marriage. But he still exists. I think little has changed in this regard.
Young girls can be feminists, but older girls still try to please a man.
How do you think this tradition of “pleasing the man” was formed?
This arose after World War II. Men completely disappeared in the USSR as a class. Therefore, it was believed that one could only get married before the age of 25. Then it will be hard. And grandmothers taught their mothers, and mothers told their granddaughters: please, and then they will marry you faster. Such folk traditions associated with losses during the war. Echoes still exist. But, thank God, there are independent girls, women who are not going to bend, please, and understand that this does not affect their prospects in any way. It cannot be said that if a girl pleases, she is more willing to marry. It is not true.
But if a girl doesn’t want to get married at all, is that normal?
Girls generally don’t want to get married until a certain age. They need to go for a walk, they are young. Around the world, people get married on average at 30 years old. And in Ukraine – earlier marriages: 24-26. Now the situation is changing. Nobody just wants to get married irresponsibly. When there is no money, no work, nothing. People grow up, so the age of marriage shifts. Not all girls want to get married - that's true.
I am confused by the dissonance between what is shown on TV and what society aspires to. It seems that everyone agrees that equality is needed, but both movies and music videos are about interdependent relationships. Why?
Because cinema and music are all about neurosis. And television too. There's not much healthy there. Neurosis cultivates a neurotic relationship between a man and a woman. It is cultivating. Because it meets the aspirations of neurotics. That is, billions of neurotics around the world are absorbing this culture. “I can’t forget you, I will die without you, my life has lost its meaning.” They sing about the same thing in all languages. When they say “a song about love”, it is not a song about love. This song is not about everyone loving each other. And about the fact that he loves, but she doesn’t. Or she loves, but he doesn't love. In general, about suffering, about neurotic feelings and relationships. This is the essence of 99% of culture.
It turns out that neurotics are the engines of trade?
Neurotics make up the majority of the population. Although the West is already gradually changing, society is becoming much healthier, and there are fewer and fewer neurotics. But this does not apply to post-Soviet republics.
What is a “healthy society”?
A healthy society and person begins with the fact that children should not be beaten. Dot. In no European country is it allowed to touch children with your hands. That is, of course, there are aggressive parents, drug addicts, and alcoholics. But their children are taken away from them, they are put into foster care, and these children are sent to prison.
Physical and mental abuse of children creates a generation of neurotics. In the West, this problem is already being solved. A generation of unbeaten people is emerging with healthy relationships between parents - when children see how adults talk to each other, how teachers in schools talk to them. Children understand that they are respected, they are given a choice, and their opinion is interesting to someone. These are completely different people. This is how society gradually gets healthier. But this does not concern you and me at all. Here, “give a belt” is such an education system. And in most countries of the world it is a form of physical violence.
How is your work on changing your libido going? Are your clients making progress?
No, just me for now. I changed my libido.
But you said that you would introduce this practice.
Well, not many people come up with this problem, it's a complex problem. Libido changes due to changes in the psyche in general. But I am so far the first living person to change my libido. It's the same as if I were born with one eye color and could change it.
This is with the help
?
Yes, and the most important of them in this situation is the third: immediately say what you don’t like. And you can only speak once, then you have to make a decision.
Is it possible to change the mentality?
Certainly. Many people even need it.
Most of my friends balance between short-term desires and long-term goals. How can you get everything from life and later buy an apartment in the center?
Well, I'm not a fan of long-term goals. I'm all for living for today. When you do what you like, it all somehow lines up.
We all feel so socially unprotected that even at the age of 20 they think about retirement.
This is anxiety! I don’t think about retirement, I rely only on myself and don’t save for a rainy day. As Woody Allen said, “Live like it’s your last day and one day you won’t go wrong.” When you save for a rainy day, you think about a rainy day. Therefore, it is a matter of anxiety, not calculation.
Where does following your desires end and emotional immaturity begin?
Look, this is a tough question because I'm going by the healthy desires of mentally stable people. And you never know what can happen in your head. Many people cannot even apply my rules at all, because in their case these are not desires, but pathological inclinations. A psychiatrist is generally needed here.
It takes all my money to comply with your rules. I wanted it and bought it. I wanted to and went. Am I doing everything right?
Yes, I myself love shopping and am generally a shopaholic. But because of this, I earn 10 times more. And if you sit with your bare ass and say: you lived according to the rules, and there’s not a penny left at all, then this is already about unhealthy desires.
Don't think that this is the last love of your life
Even if your relationship was unlike any other, even if now you remember only the most rosy moments and yearn for all the good things that happened between you. Don’t even think that you won’t meet anyone else, no matter how old you are, no matter how you look and no matter how bad you think your character is. All will be. It will be even better. If you learn... Don't dissolve in a man No matter how close you are, you should have your own life and your own interests. Do not try to adjust your life to his life, even if it seems to you that it is not difficult for you, but it is pleasant for him. If he loves you, he will be pleased that you are a versatile and interesting person who devotes time to himself and his hobbies. A lap dog, which faithfully waits for its owner at the front door on the rug, is touching at first, but very soon it begins to be taken for granted.
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MORE ARTICLES ON THE TOPIC WHY HIGHER POWERS SEND US THE RIGHT PEOPLE IN HARD MOMENTS IN LIFE
Mikhail Labkovsky: “A woman should do what she wants”
Mikhail Labkovsky is a top-class practicing psychologist, live broadcast presenter, author of publications in Snob, who has 30 years of successful practice experience. A man who attracts full houses in Kyiv and London. And more recently, he is also the author of the book “I Want and I Will.”
“Caravan of Stories” selected several apt quotes from the psychologist, unique rules of life by Mikhail Labkovsky, which will be useful to absolutely everyone on the path to finding harmony in life.
About life
I am absolutely sure that you need to live in such a way that it is pleasant; and to make it pleasant, you need to do only what you want, and what you don’t want, don’t do it! And I live like this myself.
About vanity
People fuss without apparent need or results just to drown out anxiety. It seems to them that if they stop, something will happen, something will be missed, a catastrophe and the end of the world. In reality, of course, there is nothing of the kind, and they understand this with their heads, but their heads cannot help here.
People, allow yourself to be lazy! It’s not shameful, it’s not harmful, and no one will scold you for not doing your homework, you’re adults. Get out of the habit of living in the old-fashioned “grab your bags, the station is leaving” style. Praise yourself not for hard work, but for harmony with yourself.
Learn to just sit, lie down and not worry about anything, don’t think, don’t suffer, don’t plan, don’t have endless dialogues and monologues with offenders, don’t watch TV or a series on your computer, don’t leaf through a magazine. Achieving many things in this life requires doing nothing first. Enter a state of doing nothing, catch it and prolong, prolong... If you cannot cope with anxiety yourself, seek help from specialists - a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist. Life is worth it.
Publication from Mikhail Labkovsky. Ukraine (@labkovskiy_ukraine) Apr 2 2020 at 12:02 PDT
Understand that your last name is not Stakhanov and you don’t have to pack the five-year plan into three years. You should just live and live as happily as possible.
About workaholism
Workaholism is another way to fill the emptiness in the soul. How to distinguish healthy ambitions, the desire to build a career and love for work from addiction? If a person cannot do nothing for at least some time, this is neurosis. If a “lazy Sunday” on the couch causes anxiety and a desire to get something done quickly, this is a pathological dependence on work.
About the meaning of existence
Questions about the meaning of existence arise not from great intelligence and maturity, but precisely because a person somehow cannot live. Some attitudes, complexes, or mental characteristics interfere. Healthy, mentally prosperous people do not pose such questions or rational goals. And especially not trying to implement them at any cost. They enjoy the emotional side of life! They just live.
Publication from Mikhail Labkovsky. Ukraine (@labkovskiy_ukraine) Apr 10 2020 at 11:01 PDT
The rational part of the brain (and ourselves) is responsible for meaning, and the emotional part is responsible for mental well-being and happiness. If emotions are suppressed or discredited, a speculative search for meaning begins, which sooner or later ends in disappointment, crisis, if not tragedy. It seems to a person that now I’ll change jobs, or get divorced, or move, and finally everything will be fine. But external changes are happening, but inside he is not getting better. Because happiness depends very little on external circumstances. It's all in ourselves, it's true.
About social networks
Communication on social networks relieves stress, but increases desire. And if this desire is not satisfied for a long time, the feeling of loneliness only grows. Negotiations by phone, correspondence on Facebook and VK, on Whatsapp or Skype are good if sooner or later they end with the words: see you tomorrow.
About appearance
Do you want to be beautiful or happy? If the latter, you need to work not on your appearance, but on your self-esteem. Love yourself with any appearance, and then your appearance can really be anything! This is the law. “...you love us black, and everyone will love us white,” as it is written by Gogol. For love there is no appearance, there is only character, “balls”, will, loyalty to oneself. This is the only thing in short supply in this world. And only this arouses interest, respect, desire.
Psychologist about the scandal in Cannes: happiness makes us more attractive than external beauty
Career or marriage?
There is such a common theme: girls want to get married and don’t want to work. Why is that? Unfortunately, these girls were suppressed by their parents even in childhood. The girls had a “C-grade complex” from which nothing good would come of it. “But she’s pretty,” my mother said, meaning that she was completely stupid. This girl was a child who missed the stars from the sky. At school, such a girl is an average student, but she doesn’t know what to do after school. She has no desire to realize herself - and this is a great tragedy for a person.
Yes, the method of survival through marriage has taken place in the life of a woman for many centuries - and even millennia. Now the situation has changed, and in particular it is affected by the possibility of divorce when a woman is left alone.
Publication from Mikhail Labkovsky. Ukraine (@labkovskiy_ukraine) Apr 5 2020 at 5:02 PDT
Thus, a woman falls into a risk group: maybe she will get married, maybe she won’t, or maybe she will get married and then refuse. But you have to eat and feed the children. The point is not that a woman should work. Nobody owes anything to anyone. We are talking, first of all, about self-realization and harmonious development, in which you can have children and do what you love. Career and motherhood are incommensurable things, but they can be combined without having to bear in mind social norms. If you want to leave your job and go on maternity leave, do it only of your own free will, and not because society imposes “correct” female behavior on you. A woman should generally do what she wants.
We remind you that on May 18 in Kiev, Mikhail Labkovsky will present his new topic “About relationships in couples” and tell Kievans about how to build relationships and how to avoid the main problems in the relationship between a man and a woman.
The meeting will take place on May 18 at the Ukrainian House in Kyiv. Starts at 19.00. Limited number of seats.
More information on the website of Mikhail Labkovsky
See also:
How to find your match and avoid major problems in relationships
Six rules of Olga Freimut in relationships with men
Lydia Taran: “I am not an ideal woman. But I’m not expecting an ideal man either.”
Alena Vinnitskaya admitted that she suffered a nervous breakdown due to problems in her marriage
Don't negotiate through intermediaries
It doesn’t matter at all, at work, in the family or in a circle of friends - never sort things out through a third party. Don't like your mother-in-law's behavior? Talk to her directly. Either in your house she behaves as is customary with you, or she should not visit you. Either she follows your principles of raising children, or it’s better for her grandchildren not to visit her. But don't bring your husband into this! This is his mother, they have their own relationship, you have no place in it. If your colleague is setting you up, speak up directly. If your friend says hurtful things, tell her directly that you don't like it. A conflict clarified one-on-one is always resolved more effectively and easily than when “negotiators” are involved. Remember: the problem is not you. I never tire of repeating this: feeling guilty is the first sign of self-dislike. All these “if only I had behaved differently”, “if I had lost weight”, “if I had listened to my mother” - all these are signs of insecurity and neurosis. You are who you are. For example, a selfish bitch who is a bad cook and has huge career ambitions. Or an introverted quiet person who feels sick from noisy companies, who doesn’t like socializing and parties, prefers to cross-stitch and read philosophical novels. It doesn't matter what kind of person you are. Tell yourself: “This is who I am, and I’m happy with everything about myself. And whoever doesn’t like it, let them go to hell.”
When I read Labkovsky’s advice, I always remember the joke about mice and an eagle owl. A flock of mice comes to the wise owl and says: what should we do, everyone is offending us, cats are chasing us, owls are hunting us, how can we protect ourselves? The owl says: and you become hedgehogs! They are prickly, no one eats or harms them.
The mice were happy and ran home, and on the way one of the mice suddenly stopped and asked: “Guys, how are we going to become hedgehogs?” And everyone turned back.
“Wise owl,” the mice asked again, “you didn’t say how we can become hedgehogs?”
- Guys, don’t ask me about nonsense, I’m doing strategy!
Reviews from a psychologist about the advice of Mikhail Labkovsky
To me, as a person with an economic and psychological education, the essence of the “Mikhail Labkovsky” project, popular in the Shirnarmass, is one hundred percent clear. The PR agency that promotes this brand constantly requires media representatives to repeat the mantra - the most popular psychologist on the Runet. However, no statistics are provided regarding the number of subscribers, clients or even readers. With the same aplomb, the advertisement talks about “the first anti-dandruff shampoo.”
Mikhail Labkovsky is a big brand. The same as Alan Chumak and Anatoly Kashpirovkiy once were. The broad masses of the people need a “hero Ivan Tsarevich,” who is capable of scattering all problems at once with one magic kick. This is what the “strategic psychologist” demonstrates.
“The key to a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner lies in only one thing - a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct path to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone."
“If you constantly try to please and level out all conflicts, this is primarily harmful for a woman.”
“The reason for your problems is not that he acts like an ass. The reason is that you have a neurosis that requires an outlet. And for this way out you need a certain person and relationship in which you could suffer.”
I won't say that neurosis is not a term that any late-night talk show character can throw around like a ping-pong ball. This is a diagnosis that can only be made by a specialist. Moreover, in complex cases, neurosis requires treatment in a psychiatric hospital. Why the “most popular” RuNet strategist is silent about this is a mystery to me. Apparently, to share popularity with psychiatrists.
At the same time, declaring “the key to happiness is a stable psyche,” Labkovsky does not give any explanations on how to stabilize it if it is now shaken and dangerously close to falling into the abyss.
That is, if a woman is upset, worried, suffering, then it would be wonderful if she suddenly became loved and loving, able to live without conflicts, with interest in herself and the world. Just yesterday I was crying bitterly in my kitchen, and today I woke up and flew on the wings of happiness. Without clinging to anyone, not yielding to anyone, loved by everyone, with an unloaded head, in which there is not an ounce of yesterday’s neurosis. But where can I get that magic pill, thanks to which such a wonderful and quick cure for all problems will occur?
Mikhail Labkovsky is selling a horse in a vacuum, of course. He simply states that it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. But it leaves the question unanswered: how to find a stable psyche if real relationships are not satisfactory. How not to give in if a woman has always seen completely different relationships in her parents’ family? Mom was inferior in some ways to dad, who was calm about mom’s periodic hysterics, and as a result, the parents lived in love and harmony for thirty years.
Why does a popular psychologist urgently advise you to turn into a self-centered, insensitive bitch, and calls men “home decoration”, that is, assigns them the role of an accessory somewhere between bed linen, a Chinese vase and house slippers. According to the “wise owl,” a woman should bend a man like a strong man with a poker, and demand that on command he rushes to his leg, like a well-trained dog.
What does it mean, if you want to get married, urgently demand it in a direct form. If they didn’t take you to the registry office, leave! I have a question again: shouldn’t a man’s opinion be taken into account? Is his readiness for marriage irrelevant? Should we wait, say, six months, or now, or should we break up? It is very reminiscent of the hysterical behavior of a three-year-old who throws himself on the floor in a store and frantically screams, demanding candy here and now.
The advice I hear from this “popular psychologist” is downright harmful. Moreover, they are destructive and completely unprofessional. It horrifies me to think how many women he managed to push down this false, dead-end path. And how many basically normal relationships, on the right path to a strong marriage, he destroyed with this selfish radicalism.
Yes, I myself don’t see the point of getting involved with an infantile, unethical man, and I advise you to immediately leave a man who is not suitable for adult family life at all. But, if this man treats a woman well and kindly and for now, for some internal reasons, prefers to put his career first rather than rush to have three children, maybe he wants to first buy an apartment and make sure that he can support his large family - does he really deserve to be given an ultimatum? And, even more so, rush to look for someone who agrees to run to the registry office in the sixth minute after meeting? You don’t have to go far; any migrant worker who dreams of registration will agree to such a marriage. A self-respecting person of high status and worthy social position will react to the hysterical demand “I urgently want to get married” the way a mother reacts to the whims of a child in a store.
Labkovsky gives indulgence to stupid selfish people
I understand with what audience this man has become so popular. Among those who need a loud indulgence in stupidity. To egocentrism. To hysterical infantilism. It’s not your high standards, it’s the unworthy men around you. It is not you who are unable to build a strong family, but you are surrounded by men who do not know how to propose on time, or serve coffee in bed to the lady with a sufficiently low bow.
Marriage is a team game. This is a partnership. This is the need to give in to each other, understand and support each other. And not home BDSM, in which one is in command and the other is submissive. Fortunately, Labkovsky is not so smart as to give a step-by-step strategy for turning families into domestic Gestapo. Most are unclear on how to implement his radical strategic recommendations. Either stick needles in the back, or sew a fur coat from hedgehog skin.
Neurosis is not an excuse, but a way to make money
Well, of course, there is no point in reducing all the troubles and difficulties in life and relationships to the beautiful word “neurosis.” But this is a very convenient diagnosis that is easy to make for yourself, and with which you can go to individual consultations with the “luminary” of the RuNet for years. So, we see nothing more than the usual routine sale of the services of a pop psychologist who will listen to the memoirs of gullible clients for years. It’s convenient for one, he blames all his problems on his dad, mom and childhood traumas. And the other one feels good - he gets eight thousand an hour for this “shamanism.”
This approach seems vicious to me, because it allows psychotherapists to live comfortably and extract money. But it does not solve the customer's problem quickly and effectively. A quick solution to a problem is a step-by-step algorithm of actions with a starting and ending point. The client is at point A - depression and frustration, and wants to move to point B, happiness and calm.
The work of a true psychologist is a step-by-step instruction, following which the client can follow this path. She herself, controlling her every step, being able to take these steps. And as a result of the consultation, she draws up a plan of specific actions that will move her to the desired social and psychological position.
Any task in life should be solved no more difficult than career growth in a global corporation. When it is clear what qualities need to be developed, what projects need to be implemented in order to receive the coveted promotion. Everything is clear, transparent and understandable.
And what I see is an incredibly strange, unnatural path of uncompromising egocentrism, an infantile attitude to life and an undisguised “rush” sale. There have been and are similar projects in Russia since the time of MMM. People love to believe in miracles and in wizards who, flying in a blue helicopter, hand out free popsicles to everyone.
Don't judge yourself by a man's reaction
Simply put, don’t look at him like in a mirror, don’t look for him to evaluate your actions and appearance, don’t build your self-esteem based on his ideas about beauty. Most women see themselves only through the prism of a man: yes - I’m great and cool, no - I’m worthless. I did this and he was pleased; I did the right thing, he is unhappy, which means I did something bad. This destroys the personality and leads to neurotic relationships. You did what you wanted, and you look the way nature created you, no matter what he thinks about it. I do not like? Let him look for someone who looks different and acts differently. This is who you are. The same works in the opposite direction: either accept the man entirely, or do not accept him, but remember that your assessments of his actions have nothing to do with him.
MORE ARTICLES ON THE TOPIC FIND OUT YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL AGE
Synopsis of Mikhail Labkovsky's radio broadcast: “Which women are never abandoned and about much more”
The famous Russian psychologist, media personality and radio host Mikhail Labkovsky knows which women men never leave, on what date you should have sex and why representatives of the stronger half of humanity are afraid of psychotherapists like fire.
Mikhail answers these and other questions from his listeners on the air of the popular Latvian radio station SWH+. Some answers may shock you, you may disagree with some, but you are unlikely to remain indifferent. Now you will understand everything yourself =)
We have prepared a shortened version of the synopsis of the radio broadcast with Mikhail Labkovsky.
We are mainly talking about how childhood influences our adult relationships, why we attract a certain type of people, what signs can be used to distinguish a healthy person from a neurotic, and why avid bachelors are so common among men.
We hope the information will be useful.
See you in the comments?
Presenter: Mikhail, many believe that your popularity is due to the simplicity of your communication. After all, the simpler and more clearly you convey your thought, the faster it will be conveyed, forgive the tautology.
How do you feel about words that cannot be used on the radio? Do you use them in your lectures?
— Regarding words that should not be used. There is one funny incident. We have a whole list of such words hanging in our studio. So, on the topic of a woman looking for her soul mate, I had to mention the famous phrase of Faina Ranevskaya: “Half comes from the pill, from the brain and from the... butt. But that's not what she said."
And at lectures, yes, I use it. By the way, quite recently there was a lecture, attended by a company of six women. After finishing, they come up to me and share their impressions - so four of them said that they were not used to hearing such speech and would not come to me again. And two of them reacted to this quite normally.
Presenter: One more question regarding speech: these are the problems that a person carries within himself: something unresolved, some kind of anxiety, dissatisfaction... How does this manifest itself in speech?
- Well, firstly, the very way neurotics speak is very restless, they can jump from phrase to phrase, never speak directly and use the expressions “it seems to me,” “I think,” “I believe.” By the way, this is considered a sign of intelligence, but in reality it speaks of insecurity.
So you say: “Mikhail, let’s meet at 7 pm.” I don’t know if I can and I’m telling you straight out: “I don’t know if I can make it.” And as anxious people say: “I’m afraid I won’t make it in time.” And the key word here is “afraid.”
The fact is that words, like thoughts, are material. That’s right, words and thoughts express the human condition. You can phrase your sentence in different ways, and when you say “I'm afraid,” you really are afraid.
Presenter: Do healthy people come to your lectures with questions?
— By the way, you know, this is a misconception: psychologists deal with the norm, psychiatrists deal with the unhealthy.
Presenter: As I understand, many things are connected with our upbringing as well.
I carried over some verbal constructions from childhood because that’s what my mother said. It turns out that some mother conveyed some of her fears to me. Because “I’m afraid ” comes up often with me.
- It's actually harmful.
Presenter: Is it harmful to be afraid?
“It’s harmful to be afraid, it’s harmful not to express and suppress emotions, it’s harmful to control yourself, and so on. Let’s take, for example, two psychopaths, one of whom is hysterical, who yells all the time, and the other who declares a boycott, purses his lip and doesn’t talk to you for a month.
So, an always screaming psychopath - he at least somehow expresses his emotions. So a little healthier. And the second one accumulates everything within himself. And, as doctors like to joke about this: the former end up in line to see a cardiologist, and the latter – to an oncologist. Here you need to choose who likes what more.
Presenter: So, this is psychosomatics in action?
- Yes, in its purest form.
So I want to explain the mechanism itself, why adults who are no longer mother’s daughters and sons continue to behave this way. The fact is that a child develops a mental reaction in the form of reflexes at the age of 5-7 years. This is your reflex behavior, you automatically say this.
And here I want to say right away: the parents are not to blame. They are who they are and gave you what they could give.
They could be cold, aggressive, and not love their children. But children perceive their psychology and repeat after them not only their speech, but in many ways their entire life. And this is a big problem, because many psychological problems of parents continue to live in their children.
Not everything is so sad and there is a lot we can work with. In short, you are offered an unusual behavior scenario. You have somehow formed your psyche, so it can also be reshaped. What to do? You have a very specific task - to do only what you love, even in small things. And at this moment the psyche begins to change.
Presenter: Wait, what is the most important thing then?
- The only thing that matters is what you want to do. Everything else comes from the fact that a person is unhappy.
Women believe that their whole problem is that they are not married. And they cherish the idea that when they meet their prince, everything in life will be just wonderful. This does not work.
Why? They do not understand that the problem is in their head, and not in their appearance or status.
Presenter: Let's return to the situation when a person understands that all his psychological attitudes do not work.
One of my friends realized that she could not be with the person who was nearby: the basic settings did not match. She tried to start a new relationship, and again it didn’t work out. What's wrong with her?
— Relations between men and women are in many ways similar to the relations between children and their parents. A simple example: all relationships between people are the experience of childhood emotions. And all we want from life is to experience it all again.
For example, a child loves mom and dad. They may behave differently, but he still loves them. The feeling of love in one way or another is reinforced by the parents.
But it can be love with a feeling of fear, loneliness, uselessness, coldness, and so on. And this particular person will associate love with precisely such experiences.
People grow up and continue to look for a person who can give them this kind of emotion. You can change partners a million times, but it will not give anything, because only those people who can make you suffer will attract you.
Here is a common example: he drinks, beats, insults and cheats, and she “loves me, but I can’t.” And such women have a strange concept - a real man, because he can make me cry. But this good and decent guy is just a wimp, not a man.
This is precisely why neurotics love it. They love not the way they want, but the way it was with dad. But dad could have hit me with a belt, dad could have come drunk, dad could have promised not to come and even forgotten about his birthday.
But the paradox is that the worse your dad behaves, the more you need him. And when you grow up, you start looking for it in other men.
Why are we all about women? Men have the same crap.
Presenter: Mostly women go to psychologists and attend trainings. Why are men sure that they don’t need to change anything about themselves? Why do they think they are a godsend?
- In fact, they also suffer: from uncertainty, and from complexes, and from low self-esteem. But for some reason men believe that going to a psychologist is somehow “unmanly”, that they themselves must deal with their problems.
I also have questions for them - do they treat their own teeth at home, put a cast on a broken leg, perform heart surgery, craniotomy, cut out appendicitis?
When there is a real opportunity to consult a psychologist, a man thinks: “No, no, I can handle it myself.”
Presenter: Maybe they are afraid of exposure?
“In a sense, that’s true.” A woman is open to change because she has much less ego than men. In this regard, she has much fewer complexes.
It is not so subject to a race in which people find out who is cooler and who has the loudest “ringing”. This is why men are reluctant to seek help.
Question from a listener: “What do you think could be the “key
” to happiness and a happy life in general?”
— Happiness equals the absence of unhappiness. About the same as health - the absence of diseases.
Mentally healthy people experience feelings of happiness and anger, because anything can happen to them. They react completely adequately to real situations. But for neurotics, nothing happens in life, but everything happens in their heads!
A healthy person does not have such a problem: a situation arises - he reacts to it. There is no situation - he is calm. He lives right here and now.
Presenter: This also includes the often used expression: “It’s so good that it’s even scary.”»?
— Yes, there is such a theme: some people are afraid that everything is fine with them. They cannot have fun because they are afraid that retribution will follow.
Suffering is generally our national idea: you should be ashamed of your happiness. Our society does not like happy and smiling people.
Do you remember the expression about laughing for no reason? And when a person feels good, he feels that he shouldn’t be so happy. He becomes a victim of his inner fears.
Presenter: Question from a listener: “I eat what I want, do what I want, I’m not getting married - I’m happy, but the money is running out, and I’m deeply unhappy. What should I do? »
“Everyone is concerned about their own things, and this woman is concerned about money.” There are people for whom relationships do not “soar” and they do not bring them to the forefront in life. “That’s when I will have a family” - these are the children who lacked parents.
And this woman was fine with her parents, but bad with her money. Therefore, she is tormented by the fear of going broke and being left without money.
In general, the formulation “prosperous family” is very ambiguous, and well-being itself is illusory. For example, I know one person from a prosperous family, but he is unhappy.
Well-being is not having a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, and so on. This doesn't mean anything at all. They love you - they give you gifts, you are fed, clothed, shod.
So, I’ve been friends with a boy since first grade, he has a full-fledged family: mom, dad. He got married and had a child. And suddenly at some point he left his wife and stopped communicating with his daughter. I was shocked. And he tells me that his parents never dealt with him, they lived their own lives.
He grew up and realized that he was not attracted to any children. And, it seems, the family is prosperous. And the word “like” is the main thing here.
Presenter: Is it possible to live alone or alone at all?
— Self-sufficiency and independence are also happiness, only without people. By nature, man is a social being and normally he has a need not to be alone.
This is biologically inherent, it seems to exist against his will.
But at the same time, there are people who “may or may not dig,” that is, they can live together, or they can live alone.
Loneliness is a lack of interest in yourself, not a lack of people around. Even the children can see how they will grow up. Let's say a mother leaves a three-year-old child in the room, and he immediately runs after her. And the other child can absolutely safely remain alone.
Now imagine that the child is not three years old, but thirty years old. And he behaves the same way. This means that he is not interested in himself, he cannot occupy himself.
Question from a listener: “How can I tell if a person loves me, if I love him? What can you do to create passion? »
— Judging by the second question, no one likes anyone there at all. At first glance, you always know whether you will sleep with a person or not. A man needs 8 seconds to understand this, a woman - 12-15 seconds.
Some skillfully manage to live without a sexual life, and there are simply friendly relations between them. And then they come to me as patients.
This is a great tragedy, because they do not have a full-fledged family, and no one has canceled the sexual need in marriage. This is a problem, yes. But is it possible to live? You can live as you please, but you want it to bring pleasure. So this is a problem.
It's a strange question, to be honest. Love is a matter of sensations. The word “understand” refers to the rational sphere, a completely different hemisphere.
How can love be understood? Write it down on paper? He cooks dinner for me, wears slippers in his teeth in the morning, takes off his shoes, carries my bag to the store - that means he loves me. Doesn't pay attention to me, doesn't talk to me, says "Hey you!" - does not love. People feel such things, it is impossible to understand.
It is very interesting that people put all sorts of nonsense into the concept of love - care, attention, and so on. In fact, love is the experience of childhood emotions. If it catches you, you love it, if it doesn’t catch you, you don’t love it.
Question from a listener: “What if there was no dad at all? I grew up without a dad, but now I have a normal family, two children, and I didn’t look for a dad in my husband ».
—
In Europe, and in Russia in particular, 50% of children grow up without fathers. This does not affect their future in any way; the relationship with their parents in general plays a role, regardless of their gender.
The first feelings that a child experiences are addressed to his mother. Dad then joins in. Love is a feeling for parents. And the absence of a father in the family does not lead to disastrous consequences.
Presenter: Are the earliest childhood impressions capable of influencing? Even at three months of age?
— Moreover, even the intrauterine period can influence.
Once born, the child recognizes the language her mother speaks. He recognizes words by meaning, without knowing the language, because he heard them in the womb.
If the mother was worried during pregnancy, he receives a nutritional mixture with hormones - with cortisol, thyroid hormones.
In early childhood, the so-called learned helplessness is formed - this is when a person does not believe in anything and does not strive for anything.
In 1965, experiments were conducted on dogs on this topic. She was placed in a cage from which she could not escape and was given electric shocks. Then they moved her into a cage from which there was an exit, and continued to shock her, but she no longer ran away.
So, approximately the same thing happens to us from childhood. If before the age of eight a child does not achieve any results, his parents do not support him in this, he does not know how to finish what he starts, then by this age he has learned helplessness: he will not try to do anything, because he does not believe that he is capable of it.
Presenter: Are there any techniques to reprogram yourself? In other words, how can you learn to live a happy life?
- What does it mean to do what you want? You are constantly making decisions: from deciding what to eat for breakfast to complex things - who to marry, where to work and how to live next.
What guides you? This is right, this is expedient, this is useful, this is effective, this is what I have to do, this is what I like.
And even though the word “like” has no logic, you should always choose what you like, neglecting what is useful, effective, and so on.
This can be detrimental to you, you can be left without a job, without friends, without money. Using this method, you can do what you really like. And here is another problem - many people don’t even know what they want and what they like.
Presenter: Who should a parent be for a child? Many parents want to be friends with their child. What do such desires lead to?
— Take a pen and write down: parents must be mentally stable, predictable citizens who know how to control their emotions, in particular aggression. They should be high self-esteem, cheerful and happy people.
Good parents are those whose mood does not change every second. Children should not be afraid of how you will behave in the next moment.
What do all parents want? So that children are good, diligent and obedient. But they don’t want to do anything with themselves.
I often give this example: when you are flying on a plane with a child, any flight attendant will tell you that you first need to put the oxygen mask on yourself, and then on the child. Until you help yourself, you won’t be able to help your child either. You'll just get tired of dragging him to psychologists.
Question from a listener: “How to make a relationship last long? The relationship starts, everything is fine, but after a few months it ends.
Is it important to me to have quality time, to spend enough time, do I constantly demand time and attention from a person? Does this mean that I have a complex? »
- That's not the problem. The key to a long-term relationship is a stable psyche and a predictable citizen. If you are a stable, psychologically predictable person, you can really love another person all your life, but if your mood changes every half hour, then the relationship cannot last long. The inability to have a long-term relationship is a sign of neurosis.
One of the signs of neurosis is mental instability. Today I love, tomorrow I hate. And there are people who are absolutely predictable in a good way. They will love you just the same in thirty years. Because they have such a psyche, they are like that in life.
Presenter:
What about
the famous polygamy? Primarily related to men, but this is far from a fact.
— Polygamy cannot refer to any gender. This is a universal “value”.
For example, I fell in love with a woman. And today I only want her and don’t react to others.
And if my psyche is stable, even in ten years I will only react to it.
But if I’m a psychologically unstable person, what begins: at first I seem to love this one, and after three months, when the love goes away, I start looking around, then we have conflicts, then she starts to irritate me.
Conflicts are hushed up, reconciliation occurs through sex. Then the sex ends and only conflicts remain. I'm starting to be attracted to others. Third marriage, fifth marriage... And all in a circle.
This does not happen in people with a stable psyche.
Presenter: So, if a man is a “walker,” this only means that he is neurotic?
- Yes, of course, he is looking for “mother” and can’t find it. He had a difficult, problematic relationship with his mother and now he doesn’t work out with anyone, he is in constant search and thus asserts himself.
Such a person does not understand that it is not necessary to change partners, but to put brains in place.
Question from a listener: “My relationships only begin with those who are at a distance. My parents divorced in childhood, my dad was far away. How to change settings in your head? »
“To do this, you need not to touch your partners, but again take care of your psyche and change the “patterns.”
This applies to all women, they love someone they don't have. The need for such emotions again comes from dad, who either never existed, or he completely forgot your name.
And you begin to love those who do not belong to you, including married people - this is a classic. Hello dad.
Comment from a listener: “And for me, love means that he is pleasant to me. When it doesn’t piss me off to live and relax with him . ”
“It’s just horror and a nightmare.” A person must cling, otherwise it is some kind of marriage of convenience.
Presenter: What about the “endure it, fall in love” option?»?
- This is generally a variation of sadomasochism. Life is not anal sex: at first it hurts, and then it feels good. It should be pleasant right away. And these are some kind of masochistic stories.
Presenter: And the question that torments all modern women, which I wanted to ask at the very beginning of the interview -
which women do men not leave ?
— First and most importantly, they love those who remind them of someone from their childhood.
In this sense, 3 things do not play any role in male choice:
- appearance (including body thickness);
- character;
- age.
It doesn't matter at all!
A woman spends time and money on plastic surgery, diet, gyms - and all this is completely useless.
There is one photograph showing John Lennon and Yoko Ono: he is simply handsome and a bodybuilder, and she is scary, even for a Japanese woman, scary - with a square ass, stocky, but with delusions of grandeur. He is truly great, but she is nothing at all. It's called "Hello Mom."
His friend Paul McCartney actually married the one-legged Heather Mills, Banderas married a woman who was 10 years older than him and was not particularly beautiful in her youth, Woody Allen chose a scary Korean girl who was his stepdaughter.
Pierce Brosnan's wife weighs about 120 kilograms. And Woody Harrelson's wife?
Girls, don't waste your time, you're only making things worse. There are two options: remind or don’t remind. You are being rejected because you just don't look like his mom.
Let's go further - if you adapt to a man, try to manipulate him, study glossy magazines and types of women, tame your character, cook well, you will become uninteresting.
But for some reason they don’t leave the one with character. Because this man, for example, had a mother with a tough character who gave him slaps on the head, so he is looking for the same ones.
If a woman behaves as she wants, he at least respects her and takes into account her interests.
Why does a woman often wear a mask? “Because he’s afraid of losing him.”
As soon as she begins to be afraid, the relationship becomes like that of a strong person with a weak one. And the man again loses interest in her.
You just have to be yourself, and then everyone will find a mate. This is how nature works.
Presenter: That is, not to be afraid of losing him, as I understand it?
- This is the most difficult problem. Because fear gives rise to low self-esteem, self-dislike, uncertainty, and this entails special behavior from which a man is not aroused at all.
But a woman with character, who can even tell you to go away, can generally love such a person all her life.
Presenter: On what date can you have sex with a man?
“For confident women, there will be only one answer: when you want, then do it: even on the first date, or instead of saying “hello.”
Those who are unsure will simply choke themselves from fears: “He will immediately leave me,” “He will not call back,” “He will think that I am available,” and so on.
Those who are so insecure have nothing to offer; due to their insecurity, they still lose sooner or later. It's not a question of the number of dates, it's a question of her confidence status.
A confident woman can tell a man: “I love you,” but if he answers: “But I don’t,” she will not fall apart and cry into her pillow.
And insecure people talk about love not to talk about their feelings, but to test the waters. Ok, well, play on his hunting instinct and he will run after you for a year, and then he won’t like the sex and will leave you. What's the point of this?
If you don't like each other, what difference does it make whether they dump you after a year, after two, or on the first date?
Presenter: Well, and finally, advice for girls?
— I remember there is such a children’s toast, so we’ll finish with it:
I don’t know what to wish you,
You are just starting to live,
I wish you with all my heart
Be friends with a good boy.
Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
It's not what you look like, it's how you feel
Men read a woman's inner state. No matter how she is dressed, made up, no matter what words she says, they always feel whether it is feigned or real. They “copy” an insecure woman instantly: all these antics and jumps, ingratiation, an attempt to attract attention, enticing poses and gestures, a desire to please and do something nice, asking for advice (does this dress suit me? What hairstyle should I do? should I go to the club with my friends or stay at home?) - all this betrays a person who doesn’t know what to do with his life. This either repels or causes a desire to suppress and command.
Don't engage in "dismemberment"
This is the term I call partial self-acceptance. “The legs are great, but the eyes are ugly,” “smart, but with a terrible character,” “slender, but the breasts are too small.” The human body, your body, is whole and indivisible. Accept yourself entirely, you are not a carcass on the butcher’s table, who chooses the most appetizing pieces. In fact, even the desire to dye your hair to some extent speaks of self-doubt. As an experiment, as entertainment - yes, quite understandable. But systematically dyeing your hair white if it is naturally black is not the best sign.
Talk about your feelings and desires
Be open about what you like and what you don’t, what you want and what you don’t. Firstly, telepaths do not exist, and your man will not be able to guess exactly how to treat you, how to behave and how to please you. Secondly, the sooner you identify things that are unacceptable, the faster you will figure out whether the person next to you is the right one. A loving and interested person will understand everything the first time, but a neurotic person, for whom the main thing is his own comfort, and not your feelings, will not pay attention to your words. And if this happens, go away, don’t waste your time. Because he (see above) will not change.
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