There is a lot of research on sexuality - what leads to sex, what people do in bed and how often. But there is little research into what happens immediately after the act. What do we actually do and say, and what does it say about our relationships?
Researchers Daniel Kruger and Susan Hughe (2011) were among the first to study this behavior among partners. Their study debunked the myth that all men fall asleep immediately after sex. It turned out that men and women equally may want to be more intimate after sex. This contradicts well-known stereotypes. The following features were also identified:
Men are more likely to initiate kissing before sex, while women initiate kissing after (Hughes and Kruger, 2011); After sex, women are more inclined to get closer (talking, hugging). Men, on the other hand, are more inclined toward “external rewards,” such as a snack, a cigarette, or an activity that can continue the sexual marathon.
A study found that couples whose post-sexual caresses lasted longer experienced greater sexual satisfaction overall (Muise et al., 2014). This is more important for couples with children, perhaps because the opportunity to have sex doesn't come around often.
Besides what people do, what do they say after sex? What can you say about those who want to talk? During these emotional moments of intimacy and vulnerability, some crave intimate conversation while others prefer to avoid it.
A recent study found that women who had an orgasm were more open in conversation after sex (Denes and Afifi, 2014). It is more intimate and contains more personal information. A possible reason for this is the release of oxytocin into the blood after orgasm. This is a hormone of intimacy and trust that suppresses the effects of testosterone. This in turn has the opposite effect.
This idea is based on the physiological theory of social bonding, which recognizes the critical role of oxytocin, testosterone and vasopressin in the relationship between partners.
Denes and colleagues (2016) tested the saliva of about 250 Caucasian women, mostly divorced or never married, for testosterone levels and then asked participants to complete a diary of sexual activity and postcoital behavior. They also assessed the benefits and risks of revelation after sex.
It turned out that those who were inclined to talk were apparently under the influence of oxytocin. Women with high testosterone levels were less likely to experience the benefits of post-sexual intercourse. It seemed to them more risky. Participants revealed less.
Post-sexual behavior is closely related to biochemistry. Hormones can either stimulate or suppress the need for communication. Orgasm, in turn, directly affects the level of these hormones. A deeper understanding of the importance of post-sex behavior is key to a stronger relationship.
Whether it concerns penis size, the risk of developing papilloma or reckless pregnancies, it is always a good idea to navigate such numbers. Check out the statistics and see how far you are from the average.
The Science of Sexual Attraction
Who are you most attracted to? To men, women or both? Research shows that we may experience attraction unconsciously. While straight and gay men seem to know exactly who they like, the same cannot be said about straight women and lesbians.
Researcher Chivers et al. (2004) showed heterosexual men and women, as well as gays and lesbians, 3 films. In one, two women had sex, in another, a man and a woman, in the third, two men. The researchers measured the participants' arousal level and also asked them to rate their own level of arousal. The results for men were clear: gay men showed more subjective and physiological arousal to a film with 2 men, and straight men - with 2 women.
The women's results were surprising: although lesbians thought they were more aroused by a movie with two women, and straight women thought they were more aroused by a movie with a man and a woman, the results of the measurements showed that women were equally aroused by all 3 films, regardless of the gender of the actors.
The researchers concluded that female sexuality is more flexible and changeable than male sexuality. They did not argue that women are naturally bisexual, but rather that women's preferences can change much more easily. This may have served an evolutionary purpose: women whose partners did not invest resources in her offspring may have benefited from cooperation with other women (Kanazawa, 2016; Kuhle and Radtke, 2013). A recent study determined that some men also tend to change their preferences (Katz-Wise, 2015).
After sex: women's mistakes that can greatly offend a man
The vast majority of us are infuriated when, after intimacy - no matter how wonderful it was - our partner immediately turns his back to us and falls asleep. Even despite the fact that psychologists, sexologists and other pundits claim that this is a feature of the male body. It's still unpleasant for us, to say the least. But what kind of post-sexual actions of ours, as women, can cause a sharp negative reaction among representatives of the stronger sex? A very common mistake women make is hastily changing clothes after sex. A practical woman reasons like this: “The time for a romantic evening has passed - then why waste time? It’s time to cook soup, help my son with math, and do laundry.” And while the partner lies relaxed in bed, she quickly gets dressed and leaves the room. Meanwhile, men find such female impetuosity even defiant. One moment the lady was groaning in the arms of a man, and now she is almost ordering him to get up quickly, because he is crumpling the bedspread. It turns out that all the moaning during sex is just an imitation? Is it possible to switch from sex to soup so quickly? Men also have a negative attitude towards women’s desire to immediately run to the shower and “wash away traces of the crime.” No, I would lie in bed for 10-15 minutes, pamper myself, relax, stroke his head... And even when a woman really needs to take a shower (for example, if a stream of water is the only method of contraception), deep down her partner does not encourage her to “escape.” What to do? First, forget about soup, math and dirty laundry. All this will wait about twenty minutes. Many psychologists claim that the moments after sex are almost more valuable than sex itself. After sex, people feel closeness and kinship like never before. Secondly, if you leave your partner immediately after “this” in order to expel sperm scouts with a stream of water, it is better to look for other ways to protect against pregnancy. For example, putting on an IUD or taking pills is more effective and your partner will be satisfied. And yet, according to anonymous surveys, from 25 to 40% of women, after sex with their spouse or regular partner, go to the bathroom and achieve orgasm again... through masturbation. Moreover, this behavior is typical not only of those women who cannot achieve release in the arms of their beloved man, but also of others: the female body is capable of multiple releases. However, most men, welcoming masturbation in bed during sex, will be very upset when they guess what their partner goes to do in the bathroom. And if they find out about this for sure, they may be very offended: the partner remains unsatisfied, which means he is a bad lover. Next time, instead of pleasuring yourself alone, ask your loved one to please you again. What gentleman would refuse a lady?
Secrets of attractiveness
We subconsciously care about ourselves (and our parents). You will be surprised to learn that we are sexually attractive to ourselves, or at least we are attracted to those who are similar to us. Fraley and Marks (2010) showed that people were more sexually interested in an identikit based on their own photograph than in an identikit of another person. The subjects did not know that the basis of the identikit was their own image, and if they guessed, the attractiveness of their identikit decreased.
We are more likely to date partners whose eye and hair color is similar to ours (Little et al., 2003). There is also a good chance that our partner will be more like our opposite-sex parent than ourselves. This suggests that we are subconsciously attracted to our parents (Little, etc.). (More about sexual attraction and our parents and other things you don't want to know.)
Why are we attracted to people who are similar to us? Fraley and Marks suggest that stimuli that we are often exposed to (images of ourselves or parents) are easier to process and simply have already formed an attachment to them. In addition, our attraction to our own kind may be a sign of pride.
Women's preferences
Today you attract a woman, tomorrow you won't. Women's preferences can change depending on the menstrual cycle. For example, during the fertile period, women are more attracted to men who are rugged and well-built (Roney and Simmons, 2008; Thornhill and Gangestad, 1999).
Attitudes towards their own partners during the fertile period can also vary: if a woman considers her partner attractive, then this feeling will intensify. If it is not particularly attractive, then this level will drop even lower (Larson et al., 2013). In addition, during the fertile period (high estrogen levels), women more often have thoughts about sex on the side. However, during other periods of the cycle (high progesterone levels), they are more interested in sex with their main partner (Grebe et al., 2016).
Why do women's preferences change periodically? A woman needs a man with good genes. However, men who are more attractive may be less likely to provide and/or care for future offspring (Gangestad and Simpson, 2000). For this reason, women may follow a mixed reproductive strategy: marry a kind and willing long-term partner who could take care of the offspring, while looking at men with good genes for short-term sexual relationships (Cousins, 2015).
Record for the birth of children
At first glance, it seems obvious why people strive to have as many children as possible. However, there may also be an argument here as a male biological engine that seeks to perpetuate its genes. In the 18th century, a woman from Russia set a world record. She became pregnant 27 times, and during this time gave birth to 69 children: 16 pairs of twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets.
Next went the male record holder - the Moroccan Emperor, who, according to the Guinness Book of Records, had 342 daughters and 525 sons. And according to unofficial data, he had about 700 sons alone.
- Size matters? Relax. Regardless of what the movies say, in the US the average erect penis size is 12.7 to 17.8 cm in length, and 10.1 to 15.2 cm in circumference.
- Impotence. Approximately 5% of 40-year-old men and 15-25% of 65-year-old men have erectile dysfunction.
- When did you lose your virginity? The average man loses his virginity at 16.9 years, a woman at 17.4 years. Recent research suggests that genetics may play a role. If you have inherited a trait such as impulsiveness, you may lose your virginity earlier.
- How do you sleep? About 12% of married men and women sleep separately from their spouses.
- Achieving orgasm. While 75% of men always reach orgasm, only 29% of women can say the same. In addition, most women are unable to achieve release through vaginal stimulation; they require clitoral stimulation.
- Sex with friends. Two-thirds of the students had sex with friends of the opposite sex. The main advantage of such a relationship, according to them, is the absence of obligations. More than half of those who had sex with friends said they had all types of sex; 22.7% - only classic, and 8% - everything except classic.
- How many sexual partners have you had? According to surveys, women aged 20-59 years old on average have 4 sexual partners, men - 7. Probably to these numbers it is worth adding cases that many do not want to remember.
- Did you go on maternity leave? Two-thirds of women worked during pregnancy from 2001 to 2003. 80% of them continued to work when there was a month or less left before the birth. Compare this with the period 1961-1965, when only 44% did not go on maternity leave during pregnancy (35% when there was a month or less left before giving birth).
- Venereal diseases. According to the Centers for Control and Prevention of Sexually Transmitted Diseases, approximately 20 million STDs are diagnosed annually in the United States. Half of them are in people aged 15-24 years. 2020 was notable for the record number of cases of chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea. Chlamydia has reached an all-time high of 1.4 million cases.
After sex...
Dear Tamara! Apparently I'm a bad student. Well, aren't you stupid? After our first night with a married lover, ruining everything like that! Even if everything wasn’t exactly as I wanted, but still... We had a long heart-to-heart talk, tender hugs, kisses... The next morning I sent an SMS: are you waiting for me? I answered dryly: I’m at home. Then I didn’t answer a couple of calls, I picked up 3 times and we talked. On the second day there was general silence, at 10 pm a text message: darling, you completely forgot about me, why are you silent? Again I didn’t answer, some stupid resentment woke up because I was silent all day, only remembered by nightfall. I called at night, 12 missed calls, the phone was in silent mode. On the third day in the morning he came to my work, asked, but I specifically asked for time off and did not come out, called at lunchtime, so I ran into the poor guy, saying, why are you calling, we agreed that until I change the number (there was a fear that my husband will take the details), you won’t call. He was offended and said, okay, I won’t bother you anymore with my calls, I’m sorry. That same evening I couldn’t stand it, I called myself to soften the situation, I tell you what I found out: they won’t give my husband a printout without my consent, since I have a SIM card (I gave a hint - you can call). It was yesterday. And this morning, early in the morning, I met him quite by chance at a bus stop, I couldn’t talk, there were people there, I asked him to do a small favor - to pass something on to him (on the way), he kindly agreed. During the day I called 2 times about this matter and spoke to him kindly. In the evening I saw him again in passing, he was already acting cold, answering dryly, without emotion. It seems to me that interest has disappeared. That's all. For some reason, I always imagined him as a manipulator, which is probably why I behaved so stupidly. Another thorn was the fear that I was with him for the sake of sporting interest, because... I always said that I would never cheat on my husband with anyone. In 3 days he is leaving on a long business trip, and I can’t help but howl like a wolf. I really want to return everything back, but I don’t know how. To restore at least friendly relations, we live very close, it’s very difficult to walk past without saying hello and pretending that nothing happened... Tamara, I beg you, tell me how to start everything again? I have only one way - write or call, but I'm afraid that I will impose myself. He is silent. I don’t know what to do, and that I’m fixated on him... Or maybe he just decided to use me for self-affirmation, and now he’s laughing at my husband. Tamara, I’m really looking forward to your answer, tell me, is there a way to make peace before he leaves?
Sorry for the confusion.
