Women with humor about childbirth
The contractions started, I woke up my husband and said, it’s time, call an ambulance. He woke up... Got up... Then he lay down, and said, nooo..., let's do it in the morning, I want to sleep!
I just gave birth to a baby, contractions again (the baby’s place is coming out). I knew everything about childbirth, but I didn’t pay attention to the fact that the baby’s place is “born” like a child, with contractions and pushing, then I looked through the books that I read before giving birth, and indeed it’s described there, but for some reason I didn’t pay attention to it . I told the doctors: “THE SECOND CHILD IS THERE?” THERE WAS ONE ON THE ULTRASOUND! They tell me, don’t worry mommy, this is a child’s place, this is not a child. I didn’t calm down until they showed me that I gave birth there for the second time.
I didn’t scream during childbirth, it hurt terribly, but I didn’t have time to brush my teeth, so I didn’t open my mouth, I was ashamed that my breath stank.
My husband and I gave birth in a paid clinic. My husband and I were sitting in the waiting room, a nurse comes with an Esmarch mug and says: “So it’s quick for the enema.” The husband jumps up and goes to her, the nurse is shocked. He later said that he thought that dads were given an enema so that he wouldn’t shit himself out of fear.
Throughout my pregnancy I wanted a boy, they show the baby immediately after birth and ask the gender. I say confidently, Boy, but the pussy hasn’t come out yet. The doctor asks so affectionately: “Where did it come from?” From his intonation I understand that something is wrong... Then I realized, I say, I understood everything, I have a girl
After giving birth, I called my husband and told him that your son is exhausted. He: - Oh well, what time do I come to pick you up? I swore, I said, yes right now... and I really came to pick it up)))
I gave birth with my husband and a paid midwife. My husband is wildly scared for me and for himself... About an hour before my daughter appeared, the midwife said: “Okay, you sit here for five minutes, and I’ll go and prepare the table” (she meant the birthing table). Husband: “Why are we going to celebrate something later?”... so in all seriousness... the midwife laughed for a long time.
A friend gave birth at the age of 19, in fact she was still a child herself, with large, naive blue eyes. He comes running to the maternity hospital with contractions, they fill out a card, ask: - Your full name (answers), - age (answers), - “HIV, syphilis, hepatitis? — (very thoughtfully) No, thank you!!! Doctor (furious): I don’t suggest it!!!
I wouldn’t like to go into details, but I’ll write it. The three of us were in the room. My husband called me. I’m talking to him on the phone... At that moment, the roommate in the toilet... (sorry)... farts (very loudly)... Me and the other neighbor start laughing. And she, hearing our laughter, also began to laugh, farting from the toilet. There was silence for a few seconds... And the whole room burst into laughter!!! The husband on the other end of the line said something... And then yelled: “NO I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHERE ARE YOU????? Are you at the bar?? I hear music and DRUNK voices!!!” At this point I interrupted our conversation, because I simply could not speak from the terrible hysterical laughter.
I gave birth with one modest girl. I lie there and scream, and she beeps monotonously like a pager. I apologized and said, “I’ll yell, okay?” she “ori, it’s easier for me.” and hums again... Only I screamed so much that the next morning the whole maternity hospital was watching who was not letting everyone sleep (this is about me). And about her, the plumber swore all morning in the prenatal room and asked to show who bent the pipe like that....))))))
To all the doctor’s entreaties to “push,” my body responded with complete misunderstanding. Neither 5 years at the university, nor language skills, nor extensive life experience - nothing helped. And then the doctor said one magic word... WHAT. And then I understood everything!
The contractions were already very strong and painful. In a semi-conscious state, I asked to be euthanized, to which I received the answer that only cats and dogs are euthanized.
Everything was in a fog. I only remember a stick from an iron bed, which I accidentally broke off and tried to hide.
And I crawled away from the doctor on all fours. They caught me and said: what a shame! I wasn't ashamed. And when they showed the child and asked to announce the gender, I was indignant. I have a minus five - I don’t see the child!
I gave birth to my first daughter in my 5th year. They say, get on the chair, while they ask some questions “what when and how” to fill out their papers... and then the question: “did you have hemorrhoids?” me: “Of course it was!!! especially with physics! I thought everyone would die of laughter and ask again: “Did you have hemorrhoids???” Me: “What is this??”
At this time someone started crying with laughter...
An acquaintance (works in a highly managerial position) was giving birth. It took a long time, it was hard... They started stitching me up and injected me with anesthesia. Apparently due to fatigue, she “got it to her head” and she told the doctor and the suturing midwife in a coma: “So, tomorrow both explanatory notes will be on my desk..” and passed out.
ABOUT
dna, a young family (father, mother, 6-year-old daughter) went to the store to buy a gift for their friend Aunt Valya.
Aunt Valya was 9 months old and was already in the maternity hospital. My daughter actively participated in choosing the gift and, of course, she was interested in the details. On the way back home the following dialogue takes place. Daughter: - Will Aunt Valya have a child? Mom: - Yes. Daughter: - Where is he now? Mom: - Well... In the tummy. A long pause follows. And already at the house the daughter says: “Mom, you said that if you suck dirty fingers, you will get worms in your stomach!” What do you have to suck to have children?! Dad stops the car, throws the steering wheel and falls out of the car... *** I
just gave birth, the baby was taken away to be washed and dressed, etc.
I’m lying there, fooling around... my husband is next to me with a dumbfounded smile, and then the ironic voice of the anesthesiologist: “Well? When is the second one? I replied: “not today!!!!!!!!!” *** my first
daughter in my 5th year. They say, get on the chair, while they ask some questions “what when and how” to fill out their papers... and then the question: “did you have hemorrhoids?” me: “Of course it was!!! especially with physics! At that moment they just had a shift change and there were doctors and students there... I thought everyone would die laughing. They ask again: “Did you have hemorrhoids???” Me: “What is this??” At this time someone started crying with laughter...
Lately
I’ve gotten used to reading what our food consists of, where there are how many preservatives and what kind... And recently I took out new soap and, out of habit, started reading the ingredients.
My hair almost stood on end, I thought: wow, what disgusting stuff – there’s no way I’m going to eat this! Then my husband and I laughed for about five minutes. *** in
labor, both of them are torn, the doctor stitches them up, humors them.
The girls are not amused and do not answer. At this time, there is a shout in the corridor: “Ivanovich, where are you?!” The doctor, without looking up from the stitch: “Oh, how I don’t want to answer in rhyme now!” Everyone laughed... She just
gave birth.
I’m lying in the corridor, walking away. I didn’t really take a good look at my baby. And so the male doctor brings me my princess. I look at her and ask: “Oh, doctor, why does she look so much like a monkey???” And the doctor is completely serious: - Claims on this issue are not against me!!! *** And
a story from a nurse.
A woman comes in, her mother is very worried and keeps fussing with her. I say: “Come through the room, take off your panties, we’ll shave!” Mom quickly led her across the room. I come in 5 minutes later - both without panties... *** P
rikol from my birth.
They gave me an enema. I went to the toilet and sat on the toilet. I call my husband and say: I’M GIVING BIRTH! And HE: You’re going to give birth to a child in the toilet! *** I came
to the osteopath at 7 months, he first, as expected, asks everything, writes it down... To the question “what month?”
I frantically dug through my memory and finally squeezed out - January... He, in turn, was confused and, holding back his laughter, asked again: “The month of pregnancy?” *** “D
yiiiiii!!!
I say BREATHE!!!” “How?...” “By a train!!!” “Chukh-chukh-chukh...”... Here the midwives almost fell over laughing... *** The pregnant
went to Lenta and Okay, smelled the tires and rubber boots, stood there pretending to choose.
But I didn’t go to the “Wheel” store, I was afraid I’d go crazy with pleasure. My husband gave me rubber boots ***
They did give me anesthesia for the stitching, and while I was under anesthesia I was smiling from ear to ear, I heard the doctor say: “Is she watching cartoons there?
” *** While
she was being taken from the operating room on a gurney, she lay there, delirious, tried to kiss someone’s hand looming nearby out of excess happiness, and cried.
They put me on the bed and the doctor asked how I was feeling. I said: “An impressive man is nearby... What more does a naked woman need?” and fell asleep. *** And
when I gave birth to my daughter, the contractions became more frequent and I didn’t have the strength to relax, I was just shaking from pain and I started wailing, “Save me, help me!
Save, help!” The midwife comes in and says that I’m just like Winnie the Pooh, when he got stuck in the Rabbit’s hole *** my mother
gave birth to me by Caesarean, she told the doctors: “Well, you still cut there, scrape off the excess fat...”
*** how
I recovered from anesthesia, but my husband remembers it well.
I opened my eyes and grabbed the hand of a girl nurse passing by and joyfully told me that my husband showed me cartoons about Pokemon at home in the evenings. Then he reminded me of this for a long time *** At
4 am.
I wake up my husband, I say that “I’m pouring out,” and he: “Well, I peed myself, who doesn’t…”, then he sits up with a jerk, blinks his eyes, jumps up and begins to run circles around the room and, as if wound up: “What should I do?” , and what should I do??!!!….”Here he remembers that my gynecologist lives in our entrance on the 3rd floor. He runs there, calls, he opens it. His sleepy husband “by the chest” and screaming “there’s a leak there, help!!!!!” trying to get him out of the apartment. When the doctor realized who was leaking and what was leaking, he relaxed: “Call an ambulance!” *** Out of
fright, calling an ambulance, I say: “Can I order a car to the maternity hospital?”
*** To
all the doctor’s entreaties to push, my body responded with complete misunderstanding.
Neither 5 years at the university, nor language skills, nor extensive life experience - nothing helped. And then the doctor said one magic word... WHAT. And then I understood everything! *** I
fly into the room and zealously wave the dough in front of my husband’s nose: “I have two stripes!”
TWO STRIPES!!!! You understand?". Seeing my husband’s puzzled face, I explain: “I’m pregnant!!”... “Ahhh,” the husband decided to show understanding, “And two means twins???” I even sat down... *** First
ultrasound at 12 weeks... They said we were having a boy. When I asked, “Are you sure?” — the doctor was indignant: “Why won’t I see a man’s pussy?”
IN
second pregnancy, the very beginning.
I walk down the street, tormented by toxicosis. The house is already close, I have only one desire - to have time to lay my head on the shoulder of my white earthenware friend, because I consider vomiting in the middle of the street bad manners. I look decent and the noble toxic pallor, apparently, suits me. I hear a voice behind me: “Girl, where are you in such a hurry? Let's get acquainted!". With the last of my strength I brace myself, don’t turn around, I move on. “Well girl! At least turn around!” And so on for some time. Finally, I turn around. But apparently, the turn in high heels is clearly unnecessary, and I, broken by inevitability, bend over the lawn. Fse... Dinner returned to nature. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and look exhausted into the bastard’s eyes - “Well?” - “Hmmm... girl, why do I look so bad?” *** After
the cleansing, I recovered from the anesthesia, told everyone about the movie KUB and Cotops, and in the corridor pestered everyone passing by with the question, “Did they think I was a fool?”
*** Perhaps
the most extreme moment of my labor was the race to the toilet after the enema...
in which, as it turned out, a light bulb had burned out not long before... While trying to find a white friend by touch, I felt someone’s leg... at that moment they both almost gave birth. *** Labor
has begun.
An ambulance was called. I've arrived. This is my third birth. Contractions after contractions. The ambulance turned on its flashing lights, there was a traffic jam, and we were in the oncoming traffic... with a flashing light! I’m already freaking out, and my husband is sitting out the window looking out the window, he’s still such a joyful bastard and says: “Hey, we’re driving in the oncoming lane!” For the remaining 10 minutes, I colorfully imagined hitting him with a frying pan! It became easier *** At
the next attempt, I asked the doctor: “Why don’t people lay eggs?”
*** During
the courses they told me that if you sing during contractions, it will be easier.
But nothing came to my mind except the King and the Jester. I’m lying in the maternity ward and singing: “The men ate meat and washed it down with beer.” The staff was shocked by me *** Pale
pink discharge and faint, faint sensations of some kind of discomfort appeared.
I was terribly happy and tried to aggravate these sensations - I twirled my butt, walked around the apartment, tried to squat. The husband, looking at this with undisguised horror (a lady in her fortieth week is trying to dance a lambada), demanded that the abuse of the child stop. They gave a big ball and said: “Jump.” I jumped and it’s true that the pain relieves and the muscles relax. “Can I give birth on it?” “No,” they say, “you can’t!” As a sign of protest against such injustice, I immediately vomited right on this ball *** In
the taxi it turns out that not all the water poured out of me at home, about which I cowardly remain silent, but in order to somehow drown out the voice of conscience that is breaking through, I leave a good tip to the taxi driver.
*** Before
New Year.
I'm buying groceries for the holiday. As soon as I enter the store, the child immediately starts kicking (the music in the store is loud, stuffy). Therefore, I make purchases in small portions and in a half-bent state (otherwise it is impossible to walk). This is repeated more than once and really attracts the attention of customers and staff. I go into the store for the FIFTH time that day, take a basket, go to the stands and hear from behind the quiet voice of a security guard making a message on the radio: “Attention security! There's THAT pregnant woman in the store! I take you to the sausages, then Lekha takes you to the vegetables, then down the list... Hehe, whoever starts giving birth will be the one who will be lucky!” So they led me around the supermarket like a spy. Is it true. the basket was brought to the cash register at the same time *** My
friend (works in a managerial position) was giving birth.
It took a long time, it was hard... They began to stitch it up and injected anesthesia. Apparently, due to fatigue, she “got it into her head” and she told the doctor and the stitching midwife in a coma: “So, tomorrow both explanatory notes will be on my desk...” and passed out *** friend
told me.
When she was expecting her second child, the eldest heard her father making fun of her mother all the time: “Don’t eat so much, otherwise you’ll burst!” And then one day he wakes up in the morning, and they tell him that his mother has been taken to the hospital. He asks in horror: “What, BURST!!!???” *** And
I came out of anesthesia for a long time and talked all sorts of nonsense.
The catchphrase was: “Well, another month without sex!” The husband said that the doctor and midwife were simply stunned by this phrase, because... at this moment they were finishing my incision *** In
the last months of pregnancy in our city, it seems, I already knew almost all the bushes.
me
with terrible screams and requests for euthanasia, poison, etc.
Finally it was all over and they took her to stitch her up. This was the second part of the Marlezon ballet! She screamed not to touch her, to leave everything as it was. The doctor (male) tried to persuade him in every way, gave various reasons - it was useless! And then, as it seemed to him, he found the main argument: “Fool, if we don’t sew it up, then your man with his balls will fall through there!” To this, the doctor was told that she wouldn’t let any of those with eggs come close to her anymore. *** And
the midwife on the chair brilliantly persuaded me: “come on, push, this is your biggest poop in your life”... * **
Oh,
she screamed like a catechumen!!!
She demanded... euthanasia. In the frenzy of contractions I confused it with anesthesia!!! *** They
bring another young lady from the operating room.
She's still out. After about 5 minutes he starts moaning, after another five he rises on his elbow and asks me: “Where am I?” I tell her that I’m in the maternity ward. She: “What am I doing here?” Me: you gave birth, I say, I really don’t know who - a girl or a boy... She: “I don’t remember anything, I had to get so drunk”... *** It
wasn’t the ultrasound doctor who first said that I had twins.
I was, of course, speechless. And then he says that it looks like triplets. But when she saw my big eyes, she began to peer more closely at the monitor. I watched for about five minutes. Then he says: “No, this is all one fruit.” *** 36
weeks.
I am 20 years old. They put me in early. At that time, there was not much information available about pregnancy and childbirth. She's still in kindergarten. There was a threat throughout the entire pregnancy. And here it’s not in one eye. In the evening there was a suspicion of water leakage. They gave me a diaper and said: “Walk around with it, then we’ll send it for analysis.” The time is 12 o'clock at night. Can't sleep. I went to the toilet. And I look on this diaper there is something similar to a transparent worm with multi-colored veins. I'm starting to get quietly hysterical. I think something has fallen off the baby. I wonder: what does it look like? EYE! – it dawned on me. I'm rushing to the family. hall. The deputy head physician is on duty. Delivers birth. I fly in and yell: “Olga Alexandrovna, my baby’s eye has fallen out!!!” Her face is so long. The laboring woman's contractions have stopped, and the midwife drops the instrument. Oil painting. She says to me: “Come here.” I give her my diaper. They begin to have a quiet hysteria: “The idiot is a traffic jam. Go to sleep. We’ll give birth tomorrow!” Then the whole maternity hospital remembered this eye for a long time *** Well
, when I was worried about how I would give birth and all that and suggested that he “at least stay with me during contractions,” he said: “Well, why are you so worried, well, just 20 minutes and that’s it!”
Me (stunned): “What makes you think it’s 20 minutes?” He: “Well, I didn’t see how they give birth in the movies or something...” *** Oh
, one day I needed to buy a pregnancy test at the pharmacy.
While placing an order, I suddenly remembered that my mother asked me to buy valerian... Now imagine the reaction of those around me when I said: “Please, I need a pregnancy test... and valerian.” *** I
was not told to cook the cervix in all the standard ways - but no , candles with belladonna and husband.
The husband was offended by the fact that this was only a medical way of preparing for childbirth *** pushing
, I had no strength... The doctor tells me not to scream, but to push, as if I was going to the toilet in a big way.
She took a deep breath and began to growl and scream again. The doctor says: “When you go to the toilet in a big way, do you yell the same way? Are the neighbors not afraid? *** When
one unfamiliar and unpleasant lady at work, looking at my already obvious belly, asked loudly, so that everyone present could hear: “Am I pregnant?”, I answered her just as loudly: “No, it’s me I just put a pillow under it, it’s cool” ***
For a
long time I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to give birth for free or under a contract?
In the end, I decided to rely on free medicine... And I went to look for a maternity hospital. I can imagine how stunned passers-by were when such a heavily pregnant woman approached them with the question: “Where is the maternity hospital?” *** When
I couldn’t bear it anymore, it was painful to tear my eye out, I freaked out and told the doctors, “I’m tired, I’m going to go,” and scratched towards the exit.
The midwife caught me by the hem of my baggy shirt: “No one has ever left me while pregnant!” forced me into a chair *** But
my friend is a very calm person in real life.
During the contractions she threatened to KILL everyone - the doctor, the midwife, the nanny. Then, of course, she apologized... but the doctors were still afraid of her... She said that it was easier for her to bear the pain, normal, right? *** And
we had such a world-class doctor at the postpartum.
During the rounds, he looks at one patient and asks: “Didn’t you happen to scream during childbirth that it would be better if you served in the army and shaved every day?” The girl, embarrassed: “Yes, I...”, he comes up to her, shakes her hand: “I completely agree with you! *** Once
upon a time, when I was already 8 months old, I was walking with my friend.
At that time, my friend was overcome by doubts that she was also pregnant. We approach the pharmacy. I tell her: “Go in, buy a test and everything will become clear.” And she told me: “I’m embarrassed, you buy it.” So I went. I hand the pharmacist money and say that I need a pregnancy test. She widens her eyes: “Are you still in doubt??? *** And
the midwife sat down to stitch me up, and I lie there, telling her jokes, she laughs and asks me not to make her laugh... otherwise, she said, you’ll pee and poop in the same place!
*** I
told someone, I don’t remember anymore, a large group of people went to visit a woman who had already given birth.
Evening, winter, dark, the husband climbed up a tree to look at his wife and child closer to the window. And... disappeared. Doesn't come down for a long time. And here is an oil painting! From all sides the voices of husbands, acquaintances, mothers who came to visit women in labor are heard: “Masha! Sveta! Luda!..." and so on. And this bunch stands and yells in unison, looking out the windows of the maternity hospital: “WOW!!!” Cool stories about young tired mothers
