What are the “rules of good manners” in 2020? This is no longer a set of stuffy teachings, but a way of life. They open doors that would be closed to people of lower self-organization. They help you avoid becoming what polite society disgustingly calls an “asshole”—an outcast who despises everything that makes a person human.
The editors of Bow&Tie have collected rules of good manners for every day from the official recommendations of the London School of Etiquette (LSE). The selection will be useful to you personally, because you will encounter these situations today.
What are the benefits of following the rules of good manners?
The rules of good manners will teach you how not to become an asshole.
Do you want to know what else is useful for the rules of good manners? If you please. They teach a man to restrain himself and not follow his desires and instincts. There is nothing wrong with consciously following them. Sometimes it is the ability to listen to yourself that helps you achieve success in the modern world. But sometimes it happens that it is not a person who drinks cognac, but a person who drinks cognac. Do you feel the difference? There is nothing wrong with the desire to drink alcohol, but when the desire to drink alcohol subjugates a man, an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic.
The bad thing about this is not that another weak-willed person decided to dislike and unfollow from life. It’s bad that it won’t be limited to a weakness for alcohol. If one does not condemn his bad inclinations, a person will extend his reluctance to control himself to society, going beyond the bounds of decency and what is permitted, causing inconvenience to others. So another asshole appears. There are many examples, and alcohol is only one of them.
Here's the benefit of good manners - no one likes assholes. Having learned to restrain himself and not be led by his desires and instincts, a man makes the main victory in his life - over himself. And others always come after this victory.
At the table
Many rules of etiquette and behavior in a restaurant are too strict and are unlikely to be suitable for an ordinary business, friendly or romantic meeting. For example, it is not so important what distance should be between a person and the table, at what angle one should lean over the plate, whether one can use a meat knife instead of a fish knife, whether one should eat fruit with special cutlery or with one’s hands. Perhaps such recommendations are relevant during lunch with a royal person, but if you met with friends after work to relax and eat delicious food, all these subtleties are completely useless. The main thing is to follow common sense.
However, it is better to listen to some advice. It is no coincidence that napkins lie on the table next to the cutlery; this is not decor, but a necessary thing. Sandwiches, meat and fish are eaten with a fork and knife, while in an expensive restaurant the fork for fish can be specific, with four teeth, and the knife with a dull spatula-shaped blade. By the way, according to etiquette and rules of behavior in a restaurant, a knife is held in the right hand, and a fork in the left, while chopped meat (cutlets, zrazy, cabbage rolls), casseroles and vegetables are eaten only with a fork. But if you accidentally cut a cutlet with a knife or eat meat with a fish fork, nothing terrible will happen - most likely, no one will notice it.
For lobsters, crabs and lobsters, special utensils are served - a short fork and a spatula, but many people take the claws with their hands. During and after meals, it is better to place the cutlery not on a clean tablecloth, but on a plate, and if you have already eaten, place the fork and knife crosswise. As you can see, restaurant table etiquette is flexible, and mistakes in it do not affect your career, reputation, or relationships with people.
Rules of good manners at meals
A categorical refusal of alcohol can cause discomfort in people who are not against drinking it.
This is relevant both in a restaurant and at a party.
Do not start eating until everyone at the table has been served.
In a restaurant, this recommendation must be followed to the letter. If you are visiting, you should wait until the hostess or host, who usually puts the dishes on the table, sits down themselves. You are allowed to start eating if the hosts or the person waiting for their portion at the table themselves ask you to do so. The reason for this assumption is that different dishes require different cooking times. While your neighbors at the table are waiting for their order, your dish may get cold.
There should be nothing unnecessary on the table
A telephone, keys, glasses and other household items may be present on the table. However, everything that is not related to the meal should be removed from the table when dishes begin to be placed on it.
It is not customary to pick up a mobile phone during a meal.
This applies to both sending messages and tracking time. One of the reasons why wristwatches will not go out of use. If you need to make a call, answer an important call, send or receive a message, don't do it at your desk. Apologize, notify your neighbors, and move to another room.
It is not customary to say “I don’t drink”, instead say “thanks, not today”
Absolutely abstaining from alcohol can cause discomfort in people who do not mind drinking it. By saying “I don’t drink,” you will set yourself apart from your neighbors at the table, and those who are especially sensitive may feel that you are exalting yourself and belittling them for their “vice.” And this is already perceived as an insult. If you use soft wording, giving up alcohol will be taken calmly. Everyone has the right to refuse a glass of wine this evening, and the reasons can be so different that it is not customary to focus on them.
Don't reach across the table
If the dish or glass is out of your arm's reach, ask your neighbors to pass it on. Before you put food on your plate, ask if your neighbors to your right and left would like it. If they answer yes, serve them first, then serve yourself.
Shared dishes are always passed counterclockwise
This applies, for example, to a salad, roast or side dish. Keep this in mind and comply. But don't call attention to it if your neighbors are not aware of the rule and have set the wrong direction. Embarrassing your dining neighbors is also bad manners.
Selecting dishes and communicating with the waiter
Don’t be afraid to ask the waiter questions about the dishes, especially if you come to a new establishment and are new to the cuisine presented on the menu. If you have an allergy to any food, speak about it immediately, as they may be part of the ordered dishes. Do not consider this a whim or whim - such clarifications are the norm throughout the world. It is also not a shame to inquire about the cost of a dish if the waiter offers you something special from the chef, but whether or not to tip for service is a personal matter for each client, although the rules of conduct in cafes and restaurants (these rules are not mandatory in Russia) indicates that the average tip amount ranges between 5 and 15% of the cost of dishes. They can be handed over along with the money and the bill, thanking for the service and clarifying that no change is needed, or you can leave a tip on the table after the waiter brings the change.
If you are not impressed with the dish, there is no need to scold the waiter or chef. Also, do not show dissatisfaction with slow service - most likely, the staff is overworked. It's best to ask in advance how long the dish will take to prepare and choose a simpler meal if you're in a hurry and can't wait.
By the way, to show the waiter that you liked the dish, just tell him about it. It is customary to call staff to the table by raising your hand up and making eye contact with the employee.
Rules of good manners for every day
Sadly, the times of chivalry are in the past.
They are relevant in everyday life.
Keep your word
Keeping your word means backing it up with deeds. No one respects a man who does not keep his word, because everyone knows the value of his words. A man who keeps his word is respected even by his opponents. They say respectfully about such people: “His word is flint.” If you give your word, keep it. If you suspect that you won’t be able to contain it, don’t give it.
Inform your interlocutor that the speakerphone is on
Firstly, this way you will not compromise or embarrass your interlocutor. Secondly, the interlocutor in this case will not say anything confidential addressed to you personally.
The door is opened by the one closest to it
Please note: according to the recommendations of the London School of Etiquette, a man is no longer obliged to open the door for a lady. This is justified not only by modern trends, but also by a completely logical fact - the time of women experiencing a feeling of helplessness because of fluffy dresses and overtightened corsets is in the past.
People leave the premises and the metro first, and enter second.
This means that you need to let people out first, and only then enter. If you are inside, they must let you out. Trying to go ahead in this case is bad form.
When meeting privately, introduce them by seniority; when meeting for business – by status
In practice it will look like this. When you introduce a girl to your parents, you will say: “Meet Sergey Sergeevich and Anna Ivanovna, my parents, and this is Olga, my girlfriend/future wife.” During a business acquaintance, it’s like this: “Meet, this is Sergey Sergeevich, chief engineer, and Anna Ivanovna, chief accountant, and this is Olga Mikhailovna, our new personnel specialist.
In hospitals and cultural institutions, put your phone on silent mode
It is allowed in hospitals, museums and theaters to set them on vibration if you are waiting for an extremely important call. To receive such a call, leave the room, hall or common room so as not to disturb others with conversation or an active telephone monitor.
Take off your sunglasses and headphones when talking
If your interlocutor is still wearing glasses, you also don’t have to take them off or, if you have already taken them off, put them on. It is also acceptable to remain wearing glasses if the situation requires it. For example, eye disease or dangerous sun exposure.
Be careful about your appearance
We are not talking about expensive clothes, but about a neat appearance. Shoes must be clean, clothes must be ironed. Don't neglect perfume, shaving and trips to the barber. A neat appearance is not only good manners, but also a form of politeness towards others.
The first caller calls back
If you initiated a conversation, but the connection is interrupted, you must call back. When you call first, always ask whether the other person is comfortable talking at the moment. If they call you, wait for them to call you back and make sure the line is not busy.
Where does family etiquette begin?
Everything starts small. There is great power behind our words, so it is very important to always say to your family: “thank you,” “please,” “bon appetit,” “good night.” These words on a subconscious level develop positivity in a person, and if we talk about energy, then words are certain “messages” to the Universe: what you send is returned to you.
Relationships between a man and a woman always begin romantically and unusually, but for some reason, as soon as the couple gets married, the romanticism disappears. Often a woman stops taking care of herself - she puts on a robe, which she takes off only when she goes “in public.”
A man will not rust either - he becomes cold and apathetic, and an evening spent watching TV or a computer seems much more interesting to him than communicating with his wife. This is a completely wrong model of behavior.
For example, in the East, a woman wears a burqa, but at home, for her husband, she dresses beautifully and puts on makeup. She is gentle and courteous with him. This is what spouses should do, regardless of what country they live in. A woman should please her husband (men love with their eyes) with a neat appearance and friendliness. Love is built on this, which, of course, can fade if people in a marriage begin to treat both themselves and their partner negligently.
Rules of good manners at work
If you feel unwell but must be at work, warn and protect your colleagues.
Relevant for office work.
Don't bring food with strong aroma to the office
If you eat in the office and bring food with you, make sure that it does not have any strong aroma. Notice the word "any". What may be a pleasant aroma for some may not be pleasant for others.
Don't send meaningless emails
These include messages containing one word (for example, thank you), a smiley face, or an emoji. They clog up their mail, and if there is a notification about new messages, for example, on the desktop, people have to be distracted to read them. Instead, write “thank you in advance” in your appeal letter.
Don't send work-related messages after hours
In 99% of cases, the question specified in the message can wait until business hours. In addition, the person may not see the message. And if things don’t wait, it’s better to call.
If you feel unwell but must be at work, warn and protect your colleagues
If the situation requires, wear a medical mask. Please inform in advance that it is better not to contact you personally on this day, but to use corporate mail or instant messengers.
How to dress for a restaurant
There is no dress code as such in most restaurants, especially when it comes to lunch during the day, but some pretentious establishments reserve the right to set their own rules - for example, men must appear in trousers, shirts and jackets, and ladies in evening dresses dresses. This is especially true for Michelin-starred restaurants, where it is difficult to imagine visitors in jeans and sneakers. In addition, the choice of clothing depends on the purpose of the visit - for a business meeting it is appropriate to dress in office style, and for a romantic date or social party you can take some liberties, although too bright makeup, a large amount of expensive jewelry or shocking clothing will look provocative. The ideal option for a girl is a little black dress or sheath dress with classic pumps, and if this look is complemented with elegant jewelry, you will get a very stylish evening look.
How to receive guests or visit according to the rules of good manners
Don't come to visit empty-handed.
Relevant for 2020.
Don't allow guests to drive while intoxicated
The owners are responsible for the condition in which the guests leave their home. If one of the guests, for example, is drunk or has health problems, call him a taxi and insistently make sure that he does not drive the vehicle.
When you are invited to visit, and you want to take someone with you, immediately clarify whether it is possible
This will prevent many awkward situations. In addition, if you ask at the time of the invitation, the hosts will immediately have additional people in mind. If you call back and ask later, the hosts may have already calculated the meal and may not be ready to accept more guests.
Say “thank you” to the hosts the day after the event
No need to call. All you have to do is send a thank you message. If it was a formal evening or special event (such as a wedding), sending flowers, a paper thank you note, and chocolates is acceptable.
Don't come to visit empty-handed
In response to an invitation to visit, always ask if you would like to take something with you. Even if the hosts say that nothing is needed, bring, for example, flowers to the hostess and/or a bottle of alcohol to the host. If the owners have children, bring something for them too. Just check in advance whether sweets are allowed. If not, bring trinkets.
Notify me if you are late
It is permissible to be late for a visit no more than 15 minutes. As a rule, the owners will just complete all the preparations. If you are more than 15 minutes late, notify the hosts, apologize and let them know your estimated time of arrival.
Children's etiquette
As for children's etiquette, here you should also show remarkable attention and patience. It should be remembered that no matter how much you teach a child, he will still look at a clear example. Therefore, if parents tell a child that it is not good to be rude and insulting, and they themselves behave rudely to each other, then the child is unlikely to understand what he was told - he will do as he sees.
Children must be taught good manners, courtesy towards adults and respect for strangers. And it needs to be taught in a playful way so that the child does not lose the feeling of childhood.
Final word
Rules of good manners are a way of life.
Some rules of good manners are applied only in certain circumstances, some - in certain companies. But a man will constantly feel the benefits from them - at work, at a party, in idle aspects of life. The examples above show that the rules of good manners help make life easier and more enjoyable not only for the man himself, but also for everyone around him.
Neglecting the rules of good, on the contrary, can bring a portion of disappointments into life. Any of us can remember 5-6 media figures who broadcast from state television channels and receive awards and bonuses. At the same time, few people love them and almost no one respects them. But all of them are far from stupid people, wealthy and in positions of power. Just assholes.
Family etiquette rules
There must be family evenings, joint trips to the cinema, cafes, and exhibitions. The gallantry of men towards their spouse should not only be “ostentatious”, but also in personal communication. So, a man should always give his lady a coat, give compliments, pay attention to a new dress or underwear, give small gifts even for no reason, inform his wife about where he is going and when he will return. These elementary signs of attention make family life much brighter and more interesting.
A woman should also not lag behind her man. When choosing perfume, you should focus not only on your taste, but also on the taste of your husband, pamper the man more often with his favorite dishes, and do not interrupt him when he is telling something very important. And even though you’ve already heard it all, you shouldn’t reprimand him. If a man repeats himself, it means the topic is important to him and he wants you to listen to him.
You cannot criticize your husband or wife in the presence of children and strangers. Showdowns need to be hidden from prying eyes and ears. There is no need to manically control your husband - check his pockets, wallet, call him at work every minute. This degrades a man's dignity and he will think that you don't trust him.
If your partner doesn't like your social circle, make sure you meet your friends on neutral territory, and then not too often.
It is very important to contact each other. Everyone has cute nicknames: “bunny, cat, sunshine, etc.”, it’s nice. But in the presence of strangers, these appeals are at least strange. The person should be called by name only!
Women have this habit - when talking with friends or acquaintances, they call their husband husband, ignoring his name. This is bad manners, so you depersonalize a person by assigning him the civil status of “husband.” Yes, he is the husband, but he has a name that you must love if you love your husband.
“Kings on every battlefield, and at the ball”
The next, most common block in people's minds: etiquette makes a person helpless in the face of aggression and does not allow him to defend his rights.
But who imposed such a penance on you: to be helpless? Our rights are spelled out in the law, but I have never seen in the rules of etiquette that we need to go against the law.
And think, for example, how could Russian nobles be brilliant military men and defenders of the Fatherland, if the etiquette that they absorbed with their mother’s milk would make them helpless? I'm not even talking about those cases when the code of honor required a duel! And a duel is not a game or entertainment, it is a real risk of life. Protect your rights if you believe they have been violated!
Jean-Leon Gerome, “Duel after the Masquerade”, 1857 Source: artchive.ru
On the contrary, knowing certain rules of etiquette will allow you to solve problems faster, more beautifully, more efficiently, and most importantly, without lowering yourself or losing your dignity.
Tags: rules of etiquette, etiquette
“You can be a smart person and think about the beauty of your nails”
The fourth argument, which always leaves me amazed: it is better not to observe etiquette, but to be a good person.
What a strange thing!.. Why are these two concepts necessarily opposed? It seems that you cannot be both a good person and well-mannered at the same time. But it’s like comparing green with square!
Such resistance to good manners lies, I think, in the fact that a person thinks that etiquette will make him soulless, stiff, somehow unreal. And he is partly right! Mindlessly following all the rules—any rules! - will turn anyone into a robot. The purpose of your life cannot be reduced only to fanatical fulfillment of requirements, especially if it is not the right place and the wrong time.
History knows of cases where people were afraid to act spontaneously in critical situations so as not to violate the rules of etiquette, and even royalty became victims of such situations.
But you and I are not extremists!
