How to live with a bore?, Open City / OpenTown.org

A boring man: do he have any advantages and how to learn to live with his shortcomings

Every woman has complained about male tediousness at least once in her life. And although outwardly men can be completely different: temperamental, sparkling, thoughtful or reckless, tediousness is a characteristic feature of the stronger sex. Where does it come from: does it develop with age, under the pressure of external circumstances, or is it inherited, like the color and shape of the eyes or the shape of the ears?!

Psychologists divide boring men, depending on their behavior and psycho-emotional state, into several categories.

The first is a boring pessimist. No matter what happens around, such a man will be constantly dissatisfied, and will forever whine about the misfortunes that can happen not only to him, but also to the world as a whole. At the heart of this tediousness is a persistent anxiety. Pessimistic men constantly tell others about how bad everything is, and how it will get even worse, hoping in their hearts that they will be dissuaded and reassured. This is a constitutionally depressive type of personality, and the main thing when communicating with such men is not to become infected with their eternal despondency and gloomy views on reality. Knowing that no reasonable arguments can change their views and attitudes towards the surrounding reality, we should not forget that their anxieties and forecasts are most often groundless and built on subjective feelings. It’s not easy for a woman to be around this type of man. But the undoubted advantage of pessimistic men is that they are unlikely to ever dare to cheat or leave their family. It is enough for them to simply imagine for a second that a casual relationship can lead to scandals, troubles, illnesses, and the desire to “go left” immediately disappears.

In life you can also encounter bores of the so-called rigid-aggressive type. Temperamental and energetic, active and enterprising, they like to put everything in a certain order, on shelves. At the same time, such men are stubborn, self-centered and, no matter what, will achieve their goal to the end. What can cause laughter or irony in a woman leads such men to a state of anger. This behavior is most often due to the fact that a man cannot understand himself, is unable to cope with his own passions, and therefore strives for absolute order in the real life around him. Mentoring a woman, accusing her of carelessness and stupidity, men of the rigid-aggressive type are firmly convinced that their lectures are only for the benefit and benefit of the woman herself. The best way to communicate with such subjects is complete agreement in everything. This is the same situation when they say that it is better to give in than to try to explain why you don’t want to do this.

Men of this type are very purposeful, quite successfully move up the career ladder and make a career, reaching a high position. Therefore, they also have a huge advantage: next to such a bore you can feel like behind a stone wall - confident and calm.

There is another type of man whose tediousness is difficult to bear and often causes sincere bewilderment. These are introverted men, focused only on their personal inner world. In communication, they quickly become emotionally exhausted, they develop a feeling of anxiety, especially if the interlocutor is an energetic, noisy and cheerful girl. That is why they periodically need to withdraw into themselves, detaching themselves from the surrounding reality. This does not speak of a partner’s neglect, as most representatives of the fairer sex mistakenly think, but, on the contrary, of his complete trust and hope for understanding, which is extremely difficult for him to express in any other way.

Psychologists, considering the generalized image of a boring man, highlight his characteristic features:

Lack of ability to distinguish the main from the secondary (this explains the constant nitpicking over trifles);

Lack of a sense of humor (an anecdote on the topic of the day can provoke lengthy, philosophical discussions, often with a gloomy ending);

Inappropriate behavior (when an easy, non-binding dialogue is conducted at the level of professorial debates and with a serious look, while the speaker does not even notice the ridicule of others).

And yet, you shouldn’t get stuck in a relationship with a man because of his tediousness, and especially not to succumb to his influence. It is best to perceive this as an annoying shortcoming of a partner. In the end, you can remain silent or agree, doing it your own way. That is why a woman is given wisdom, generously seasoned with cunning.

Boring is a character trait. Men are self-centered bores, do not know how to adapt to situations, and do not accept compromises. It's better not to redo it. This is a waste of time and energy. It’s difficult to get along with such a husband, but it’s possible, especially if he’s a loved one and you care about him.

First of all, you need to figure out what type of “bore” your spouse is.

Aggressive-rigid type

Aggressive - rigid: epileptoid type of character, stubborn, selfish. Goes ahead towards his goals and persistently achieves what he wants. It is difficult to find a compromise with this type; it is easier to agree than to try to explain or prove something.

However, you can find positive qualities in his character, and then his tediousness will not be so obvious. First of all, such a man is purposeful and straightforward, which means you will know better what he wants and what communication strategy to choose so as not to turn family life into a reason for sadness and disappointment.

Hidden

A hidden bore is a man who is constantly dissatisfied with something. First of all, life, work, wife, politics. He necessarily has an object or subject, which is the cause of his discontent and failures. Everyone except him. It's not his fault, period! The hidden bore is prone to scandals, picky about everyday aspects of family life.

Such a person is very attentive, which means it’s worth taking advantage of it. Know that he has a good memory, so don’t be silent about your desires and preferences. Rest assured, he will remember everything and will not forget to please you at the right moment. The main thing is patience and calm. These qualities will help you get along with such a man. Show him your concern, take an interest in his life and sympathize with his problems.

It is worth understanding that there are no ideal men.

Positive qualities, if desired, can be found in bores: very often such husbands are demanding of themselves.

The wives of such men have less opportunity to see a mess in the apartment, scattered things or unwashed dishes. These men are thrifty, spend money wisely, and drink less often. The behavior strategy of wives largely depends on the type of temperament of the woman - the wife. Women with a phlegmatic type of character get along well with bores, but it is most difficult for a wife who is melancholic.

Question to a psychologist

Married for 10 years. The husband is boring, boring, tight-fisted, uncommunicative with his family. Communication comes down to solving everyday issues, mainly of a material nature; there is sexual compatibility, but it happens quite rarely, 1-2 times a month. interests are different. There are children, but the husband prefers to control both the children and the household, such is his participation in the process. The job is free, he is a photo and video operator, but he works all the time, and when he rests he prefers to spend time not with his family. We haven’t lived together for 7 years, but he helped and again controlled us. He returned when his 2nd daughter was born. We live together, but there is no warmth, friendship, we are different people, in general. What to do?

Hello, Marina. Everyone has their own life and their own choice. Personally, I could not be in such a relationship. It's against my nature. It was as if I was dying in such a marriage. Fate decreed that I got divorced (in general, the divorce was on my initiative). I stayed with my daughter. Afterwards I had another experience of unsuccessful relationships. Now I'm married, doing what I love. With me is a man who supports me in professional activities and in everyday matters, and in matters of raising children (we have a son). During our life together, I wrote the book “How to Find Your Soul Mate.” In it I insist that you cannot “tolerate”, you need to follow your inner voice and your needs. And I teach those who turn to me for help to live this way. There is always a choice. Personally, I regret the time spent with an unloved person. If you decide to turn to me for help, then I will work with you in the key of finding your true desires and needs. And I will insist that you cannot “tolerate” and “forget” yourself. Sincerely, Svetlana Morozova, psychologist, author of the book “How to Find Your Soul Mate.” Thanks to the unique methodology outlined in the book, you will learn to move through disappointments to meet your soul mate.

Good answer 3 Bad answer 0

Hello, Marina! Only you can decide what you should do. Everyone's situation is different. I’m ready to explore yours and help you find the best solutions for you at the moment. Personally, like Svetlana Morozova, I chose divorce. But this decision was not given easily and not immediately. I am ready to accompany you on the path of any choice if you seek advice. All the best! Regards, Tatiana.

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Hello, Marina! Your husband, with all the wonderful features of his character, takes for himself the right to live the way he wants. In your story told in the letter, he is the main character. He “controls, helps, works, prefers to relax not with his family, left, then returned”... All verbs (words denoting actions) in the letter refer to your husband. Maybe you’ll try to become a character in your own story, the main character of your own life? And you can start with the adventure of “seeing a psychologist.” Good luck to you!

Good answer 2 Bad answer 1

Hello, Marina! What you should do depends on how you feel about everything you wrote. Your letter does not contain any mention of your attitude towards your husband, only a dry listing of his shortcomings, and there are so many of them that I involuntarily wondered: what kept you next to him for so many years? And where did this “what” go now, when thoughts of separation began to come to your mind? Your letter is catchy, and I want to help you, but much, very much is unclear. If you express this clearly and understandably to a psychologist (or any other person who will listen to you), then you yourself will understand the pros and cons of your marriage, which now make you ask the question “What to do?” There are always pros and cons, in everything and everywhere, so the selection process, in general, consists of weighing the pros and cons and choosing what “weights more” for you personally. But there is no such analysis in your letter. If you do it, you will receive the answer to the eternal question. Good luck to you and all the best, Elena.

Good answer 3 Bad answer 1

Bores are fixated on one thought, they are not flexible, they do not know how to compromise, and this is a feature of their nervous system. A bore cannot be re-educated, but you can get along with him, says Maria Radionova, candidate of psychological sciences and associate professor at Moscow State University of Psychology and Education.

Type Palette

Regular-aggressive bore

– has an epileptoid character, prone to stubbornness and self-centeredness. He gets his way no matter what. They say about such people - “it’s easier to give in to him than to explain that you don’t want to.”

Typical situation:

he is eager to watch football, talks about the new team, about the Champions League, does not let go of the remote control... and does not hear your request to let you watch the series.

Positive traits:

his determination, it gives him an additional chance for rapid career growth. Be patient for a couple of years, and your husband, having climbed the corporate ladder, will be able to buy you a fur coat or pamper you with another expensive gift. Besides, straightforwardness is not so bad in family life. At any moment you know what your husband wants.

How to live with him?

It is better for such a person to give up immediately or hit him on the head with something heavy. Or you can turn his attention to himself: “Why don’t you...” Perhaps such a castling will force him to change his goal. You can offer barter - I will give in to you, but you will do this and that. Sometimes the prospect of washing a mountain of dishes or taking your mother-in-law to the dacha stops even bores.

Bore melancholic

– has a psychoasthenic character. At the heart of his tediousness is anxiety. He unconsciously demands attention to himself, wants to be reassured. But it is impossible to calm him down with real arguments.

Typical situation:

you are going on vacation, there are four hours before the train departs. Considering that it takes you half an hour to get to the station and all your suitcases are at the door, you still have time to take a shower, drink tea and have a final chat with your friend. But will your boring husband let you do this? Since the morning he has been hovering around the collected things, forcing us to unpack and repack our suitcases. “Did you take my razor? Please check”, “What about the medicine for motion sickness? Look..." And now he just pushes you out the door. “It’s difficult to get a taxi in our area...”, “There may be traffic jams in the center...”, “What if the car breaks down on the road?”

Positive traits:

he will never prove something to you by force; it’s easier for him to whine in your ear for an hour or two. And, most importantly, he is a faithful person. He has so many worries and worries with you that he can’t even think about having an affair on the side. If any woman decides to flirt with him, he simply will not notice it.

How to live with him?

Humor is the best cure for anxiety. Laugh at his fears. But not over himself! Melancholic people are very vulnerable people.

Hidden nerd

– a closed person who does not know how to express a problem directly. The basis of his tediousness is dissatisfaction with his wife, the situation at work, the weather or politics. And the first person he comes across, most often his wife, becomes a scapegoat. Internal dissatisfaction is expressed in endless nagging.

Typical situation:

Have you noticed that you often leave cups of unfinished tea all over your apartment? "When it was?" – you ask in bewilderment. “The day before yesterday, on the coffee table, and, by the way, there were traces of polishing,” the boring husband will clarify.

Positive traits:

this person is attentive to detail, and not only your shortcomings, but also your preferences and desires do not escape his attention. Did you mention that you love cornflowers and daisies? For your birthday, he will definitely give you a bouquet of wildflowers.

How to live with him?

First of all, understand what he is really dissatisfied with. If he is unhappy that you are paying little attention to him, take note of this. If the reason for his suffering is the weather or politics, scold the government with him - let him let off some steam - or reassure him with a favorable forecast for the weekend. At least, at least for a while, the nagging over the smallest reasons will stop.

Consultation with a psychologist: what to do if your husband is a bore

A husband's boringness is not a reason for divorce. But this character trait can drive even the most patient into white heat.

Type Palette

Regidno-aggressive bore - has an epileptoid character, prone to stubbornness and self-centeredness. He gets his way no matter what. They say about such people - “it’s easier to give in to him than to explain that you don’t want to.”

A typical situation: he is eager to watch football, talks about the new team, about the Champions League, does not let go of the remote control... and does not hear your request to let you watch the series.

Positive qualities: his determination, it gives him an additional chance for rapid career growth. Be patient for a couple of years, and your husband, having climbed the corporate ladder, will be able to buy you a fur coat or pamper you with another expensive gift. Besides, straightforwardness is not so bad in family life. At any moment you know what your husband wants.

How to live with him? It is better for such a person to give up immediately or hit him on the head with something heavy. Or you can turn his attention to himself: “Why don’t you...” Perhaps such a castling will force him to change his goal. You can offer barter - I will give in to you, but you will do this and that. Sometimes the prospect of washing a mountain of dishes or taking your mother-in-law to the dacha stops even bores.

Bore melancholic - has a psychoasthenic character. At the heart of his tediousness is anxiety. He unconsciously demands attention to himself, wants to be reassured. But it is impossible to calm him down with real arguments.

“Melancholic is a disease”?

Self-realization with such a temperament is much more difficult. They are characterized by an unstable mood with a predominance of pessimism; they experience their problems and failures deeply and for a long time. It is very difficult to adapt to the environment, they are closed in communication. They often show hysterical behavior and try to escape from any difficulties. They are very sensitive to any criticism. As a rule, they underestimate their abilities. In relation to business, optimism often alternates with pessimism. The desire for a goal is sometimes strong, sometimes weak, with the avoidance of obstacles. They often change their interests and easily succumb to the influence of others. Prone to subtle observations. He sees only the bad and dangerous in everything. A person of melancholic temperament attaches great importance to everything that concerns him, finds reasons for fear everywhere and pays attention primarily to difficulties. A melancholic person makes a promise with difficulty, because he cannot fail to fulfill it, but he doubts whether he is able to do it. And all this for him is explained not by moral reasons, but by the fact that the opposite gives him trouble, and that is why he becomes preoccupied, distrustful and full of doubts, and because of this - and little susceptible to fun. When such a state of mind becomes habitual for a melancholic person, he loses his sense of philanthropy, for one who himself must do without joy is unlikely to wish it on another.

Typical situation: you are going on vacation, there are four hours before the train departs. Considering that it takes you half an hour to get to the station and all your suitcases are at the door, you still have time to take a shower, drink tea and have a final chat with your friend. But will your boring husband let you do this? Since the morning he has been hovering around the collected things, forcing us to unpack and repack our suitcases. “Did you take my razor? Please check”, “What about the medicine for motion sickness? Look..." And now he just pushes you out the door. “It’s difficult to get a taxi in our area...”, “There may be traffic jams in the center...”, “What if the car breaks down on the road?”

Positive qualities: he will never prove something to you by force; it’s easier for him to whine in your ear for an hour or two. And, most importantly, he is a faithful person. He has so many worries and worries with you that he can’t even think about having an affair on the side. If any woman decides to flirt with him, he simply will not notice it.

How to live with him? Humor is the best cure for anxiety. Laugh at his fears. But not over himself! Melancholic people are very vulnerable people.

A hidden bore is a closed person who does not know how to express a problem directly. The basis of his tediousness is dissatisfaction with his wife, the situation at work, the weather or politics. And the first person he comes across, most often his wife, becomes a scapegoat. Internal dissatisfaction is expressed in endless nagging.

Typical situation: have you noticed that you often leave cups of unfinished tea all over your apartment? "When it was?" – you ask in bewilderment. “The day before yesterday, on the coffee table, and, by the way, there were traces of polishing,” the boring husband will clarify.

Positive qualities: this person is attentive to detail, and not only your shortcomings, but also your preferences and desires do not escape his attention. Did you mention that you love cornflowers and daisies? For your birthday, he will definitely give you a bouquet of wildflowers.

How to live with him? First of all, understand what he is really dissatisfied with. If he is unhappy that you are paying little attention to him, take note of this. If the reason for his suffering is the weather or politics, scold the government with him - let him let off some steam - or reassure him with a favorable forecast for the weekend. At least, at least for a while, the nagging over the smallest reasons will stop.

He's boring, you...

... phlegmatic. Your couple is lucky. You know how to abstract yourself and not react to everyday negativity. But the danger lies in the fact that the lack of reaction can cause even greater aggression in an aggressive bore and even greater despair in a melancholic person. Sometimes pay attention to your husband or at least pretend that you are concerned about his problems.

... sanguine. You will look for compromises with the same persistence with which your husband pesters you. The process can drag on for a long time, and the outcome will depend on who is more stubborn. But your marriage will be long in any case.

...choleric. You explode immediately. This is for the best. A violent reaction can frighten a bore, and he will forget about his claims for a while, consoling you. Letting off steam is a good way out of a conflict, but don’t forget that the reason remains.

... melancholic. It will be difficult for you. To an aggressive person you are ready to surrender immediately. With a secretive one, you will fall into despair from your imperfection. And a melancholic bore will infect you with his anxiety. Only a sense of humor will save you.

Personal opinion

Eduard Trukhmenev:

– I must admit, I’m a bore myself. Therefore, I relate well to this type of man. I don’t know how it is in family life, but in acting, attention to detail, soul-searching, and meticulousness are a big help. In general, I think the ideal state for a family union is when two people understand each other without words. But such a golden mean in a relationship is difficult to achieve. This is the ideal.

He's boring, you...

…phlegmatic person.

Your couple is lucky. You know how to abstract yourself and not react to everyday negativity. But the danger lies in the fact that the lack of reaction can cause even greater aggression in an aggressive bore and even greater despair in a melancholic person. Sometimes pay attention to your husband or at least pretend that you are concerned about his problems.

...sanguine.

You will look for compromises with the same persistence with which your husband pesters you. The process can drag on for a long time, and the outcome will depend on who is more stubborn. But your marriage will be long in any case.

...choleric.

You explode immediately. This is for the best. A violent reaction can frighten a bore, and he will forget about his claims for a while, consoling you. Letting off steam is a good way out of a conflict, but don’t forget that the reason remains.

...melancholic.

It will be difficult for you. To an aggressive person you are ready to surrender immediately. With a secretive one, you will fall into despair from your imperfection. And a melancholic bore will infect you with his anxiety. Only a sense of humor will save you.

OpenTown Open city

A husband's boringness is not a reason for divorce.
But this character trait can drive even the most patient wife into a frenzy. Bores are fixated on one thought, they are not flexible, they do not know how to compromise, and this is a feature of their nervous system. A bore cannot be re-educated, but you can get along with him, says Maria Radionova, candidate of psychological sciences and associate professor at Moscow State University of Psychology and Education. Palette of types
Regidno-aggressive bore has an epileptoid character, prone to stubbornness and self-centeredness. He gets his way no matter what. They say about such people “it’s easier to give in to him than to explain that you don’t want to.”

How to live with him? It is better for such a person to give up immediately or hit him on the head with something heavy. Or you can turn his attention to himself: “Why don’t you...” Perhaps such a castling will force him to change his goal. You can offer barter, I will give in to you, but you will do this and that. Sometimes the prospect of washing a mountain of dishes or taking your mother-in-law to the dacha stops even bores.

A melancholic bore has a psychoasthenic character. At the heart of his tediousness is anxiety. He unconsciously demands attention to himself, wants to be reassured. But it is impossible to calm him down with real arguments.

Positive qualities: he will never prove something to you by force; it’s easier for him to whine in your ear for an hour or two. And, most importantly, he is a loyal person. He has so many worries and worries with you that he can’t even think about having an affair on the side. If any woman decides to flirt with him, he simply will not notice it.

How to live with him? Humor is the best cure for anxiety. Laugh at his fears. But not over himself! Melancholic people are very vulnerable people.

A hidden bore is a closed person who does not know how to express a problem directly. His tediousness is based on dissatisfaction with his wife, the situation at work, the weather or politics. And the first person he comes across, most often his wife, becomes a scapegoat. Internal dissatisfaction is expressed in endless nagging.

Typical situation: have you noticed that you often leave cups of unfinished tea all over your apartment? "When it was?" you ask in confusion. “The day before yesterday on the coffee table, and, by the way, there were traces of polishing,” the boring husband will clarify.

How to live with him? First of all, understand what he is really dissatisfied with. If he is unhappy that you are paying little attention to him, take note of this. If the reason for his suffering is the weather or politics, scold the government with him, let him let off some steam, or reassure him with a favorable forecast for the weekend. At least, at least for a while, the nagging over the smallest reasons will stop.

He's boring, you...

…phlegmatic person. Your couple is lucky. You know how to abstract yourself and not react to everyday negativity. But the danger lies in the fact that the lack of reaction can cause even greater aggression in an aggressive bore and even greater despair in a melancholic person. Sometimes pay attention to your husband or at least pretend that you are concerned about his problems.

...sanguine. You will look for compromises with the same persistence with which your husband pesters you. The process can drag on for a long time, and the outcome will depend on who is more stubborn. But your marriage will be long in any case.

...melancholic. It will be difficult for you. To an aggressive person you are ready to surrender immediately. With a secretive one, you will fall into despair from your imperfection. And a melancholic bore will infect you with his anxiety. Only a sense of humor will save you.

Elena Gustova