When a beautiful girl, smiling, gets into an expensive car with her man, no one really knows how her evening will end. They can be a happy and prosperous couple, or they can be an abusive husband and his victim. A new book about domestic violence contains stories about women who find themselves in destructive relationships, as well as guidance on how to get out of the current situation for themselves and those around them. Here is one of the stories (published in abbreviation).
Everything was good in Angelica’s life - her relatives and friends often told her about this. The twenty-five-year-old woman worked as a stylist in one of the capital's beauty salons, curling the hair of wealthy businesswomen and gluing eyelashes on happy brides.
Every evening an expensive car drove up to the salon, in which sat a broad-shouldered middle-aged man. Angelica's colleagues looked enviously through the panoramic windows - it seemed to them that the girl was unreasonably lucky: her husband showered her with flowers and gifts, and was always attentive and delicate.
None of those around her knew that most of the time Angelica lived in fear and that the care that her husband bestowed on her was a way of minute-by-minute control.
Why Angelica didn't want to be like her mother
Angelica spent almost her entire childhood in a rented apartment. Her mother worked as a cook in the school canteen, had a thick build and legs covered with blue veins. The daughter was ashamed of her mother and her thick legs and at school tried not to leave the classroom once again, so as not to run into her in front of her fellow students. Angelica was sure: she would never become like the woman who gave birth to her and would not repeat her fate.
Mom's name was Elena, and she considered herself to be strong, proud and independent. Together with her little daughter, she left the man when he first raised his hand to her, leaving him an apartment and a meager wedding dowry.
Lena instructed:
“You can’t allow a man to offend you.” A woman should be brave and not be afraid of anything.
It seemed to Angelica that her mother was deceiving: everyone around them had families like families, many of them argued and tolerated each other every day, but no one left. Angelica considered her mother to be the culprit of the divorce; she secretly hated her and dreamed that her father would take her to him, but he only came at first, and then stopped. The girl also blamed her mother for this. She was not interested in the excuses and reasons why she packed her things and left, and Elena herself remained silent for many years, occasionally repeating how important it is for a woman to be financially independent.
Men began pursuing Angelica when she turned fifteen. Thick hair, expressive black eyebrows, a thin waist, large breasts and slender legs - Angelica appreciated her own attractiveness in time and, as it seemed to her, took advantage of it quite skillfully. She realized that an unapproachable woman is a desirable woman, and began to drive her suitors crazy with well-established tactics of behavior.
“No kissing on the first date,” she told her friend. — I came to the cafe, half an hour later I waved my hand and left. Gave flowers - you say that it is not in your habits to accept flowers. And constantly say “No.” Give me a ride? No. Meet? No. And the third time you need to say “Yes,” accept the bouquet, casually put your hand on his leg and smile. And then he is absolutely certain - all in your hands.
A lot of material has been published about abusive relationships, perverted narcissists, toxic partners, and abuse of power over the past few years. But still, when another story about an abusive relationship is revealed on social networks, people come to the comments asking the same question “why didn’t you leave this terrible person?” Our material is an attempt to talk about how the victim feels within such a relationship and “why doesn’t she leave.”
Let's immediately agree on terminology. You've probably met people who let you down, manipulated your emotions, devalued your achievements, declared a boycott, and thwarted your plans with their lack of commitment. Episodic manifestations of the “dark side” are not called abuse. Abusive relationships have several characteristic features: periodicity, cyclicality, fear of one side of the other.
The cycle of abuse
Abusive relationships always (always!) develop according to the same scenario:
- Idealization. The abuser puts the victim on a pedestal and idealizes him. It’s difficult to resist such a flow of love, it’s confusing, although the question “what’s wrong with him” is always spinning in my head? Abusers confess their love too quickly and enter into relationships too quickly. They may offer to move in together after a month of dating.
- Rising tension. The victim may not be perfect, idealization gives way to disappointment, and stressful situations (children, marital difficulties, work problems) make the abuser feel ignored, offended, or irritated. Aggressive impulses accumulate within him. During this period, the victim can either try to mitigate the violence, or, on the contrary, provoke it.
- An act of violence. An abuser openly displays violence, insulting a partner, psychologically humiliating, cheating, disappearing from home without explanation - there are a lot of options. Usually this is accompanied by the words “you brought me to it”, “before you I was a normal person.”
- Reconciliation. The abuser is afraid that his partner will leave him, and the “destruction of what has been done” phase begins: gifts, oaths of fidelity, jokes, promises to change, gaslighting (denial of what happened) are used.
- Calmness or “honeymoon”. This period is at the same time the most difficult and most desirable for the victim. It is during the “honeymoon” that the abuser can agree to consult with a psychotherapist, spend time with the child, help with business, and assure the victim that “only thanks to you I am changing.”
And then - in a circle (only without idealization). Over time, words and actions become less sincere, the cycle of violence shortens, everything begins to happen at high speeds until the victim leaves the author of the violence, or he switches to the next person.
How does a person feel inside an abusive relationship?
Psychological abuse is not always easy to recognize. It is difficult to believe that a loved one with whom you play openly and try to build a sincere relationship turns out to be a pathological liar, not inclined to empathy, regularly sets you up and does not take into account your needs.
We are conditioned to believe that violence is always physical. It is visible, it can be recorded and proven. Psychological abuse is insidious and occurs quietly and gradually. At first, the victim brushes off comic insults and inappropriate comments, copes with difficulties herself, and looks for an excuse for the offender. In addition, an abuser knows how to bomb with love like no other. The victim tends to believe that this is his real self. And when the mask begins to “slip,” the victim believes that it is her own fault for making her partner angry.
Signs of an abusive relationship:
- Neglect. The abuser almost never cares about you (only during periods of reconciliation and calm), and does not take your needs into account. You can never count on him and make any plans. For example, he may promise to take a walk with the child, and then provoke a quarrel so as not to do this.
- Control. Sometimes the abuser is pathologically jealous, sometimes he openly condemns your friends and relatives and forbids you to see them.
- Double standards. What is allowed to an abuser is never allowed to you. One in a relationship is obviously freer or stronger. If you are financially dependent on your partner, he gives money only for the most necessary things, but does not deny himself anything.
- Bad exes. The abuser’s past partners, according to him, randomly turn out to be stupid, greedy, and sloppy. You begin to feel like the chosen one, a savior who understands your partner better than anyone else.
- Frightening behavior when angry. You strive to avoid conflict, because you know that any objection will result in a bucket of dirt, swearing, and insults. Abusers kick objects, threaten you, or wring your hands (remember, in this text we do not focus on physical violence).
- Ingratiating behavior of the victim. It’s as if you agree with your secondary role; your main function is not to irritate your partner; you control yourself, choose your words. But the trick is that it is impossible not to irritate.
- Relationships with conditions (psychosadism). “I will be forced to sleep with others if you cannot satisfy me” “I will take a walk with the child if you finally clean up properly”
- Depreciation. "What's wrong with your child?" “Wow, you have thighs” Can be presented under the guise of admiration: “With such brains, you could have become a director long ago.” When you say or do something “wrong”, you are punished or boycotted.
- Emotional swing. Reward alternating with punishment - such a relationship is like a drug. The body experiences shocks at the hormonal level: the level of cortisol rises, then dopamine jumps when you are finally encouraged. Unpredictable rewards release more dopamine in the brain than predictable rewards.
- Quarrels in circles. You keep having the same arguments with your partner that go around in circles with no real winner. You feel stuck in the relationship, as if you can't see a way out.
- A lot of evil irony and passive-aggression. You cannot openly confront the offender, but the rage from injustice does not go away - you express dissatisfaction with jokes, sarcasm, never talking about the problem directly.
- Losing your own identity. Trying to appease your partner, you gradually forget about your own needs and hobbies. All resources are spent on maintaining relationships. They completely absorb your full potential - in a way, it's like burnout.
- Disease. Hormonal “slides” affect your health. Migraines, digestive problems, deteriorating immunity - the body cannot withstand such stress, health crumbles.
Why is it so difficult to leave an abusive relationship?
Abuse is a psychological concentration camp, a mental Gestapo. Abusive relationships are indeed compared to fascist practices and KGB methods. This is called the Wheel of Power and Control. The point is that the victim is humiliated, harassed, threatened with violence, alternating this with unpredictable manifestations of favor.
A very strong emotional connection arises, almost a biological dependence, based on inconsistency, alternation of reward and punishment. The victim remains because he is ready to endure everything for the sake of reward. In psychotherapy this is called traumatic attachment. The aggressor becomes the source of the most powerful emotions, and the victim involuntarily becomes dependent on his approval, and the loss of this relationship begins to be perceived as a disaster.
If the victim nevertheless decides to leave, she is in apathy for a long time, because any other relationship seems terribly boring, since it does not cause such a strong emotional outburst.
What should I do?
It is curious that people who have had experience in abusive relationships note that at the very beginning of the relationship they had strange dreams warning of danger, they noted strange somatic manifestations when being next to the aggressor. Therefore, the main advice is to trust yourself, your own body and intuition.
What happens to people who have experienced abuse is a topic for a separate article. A person needs to regain a sense of self-worth, sensitivity, taste for life, and learn to notice “boring” people. In therapy, it is important to support such a person and let him know that it is not his fault; track what trauma led a person to an abuser, and why he so needs confirmation of his own worth in the eyes of others.
Another problem is unexpressed rage. You want to punish the abuser, take revenge on him, because you can’t just forget and move on. This rage cannot be ignored, it must be given a place in the therapeutic space and understood how to deal with it.
Hit for the first time after my honeymoon
The man danced merrily, then shouted vulgar jokes in a deep voice, at which all the hundred and fifty guests laughed, then he sat down next to his wife, took her hand and squeezed her thin hand until it hurt.
“You’re hurting me,” Angelica sometimes said, but her husband looked at her, like everyone else, with a mocking half-smile.
A few hours later they left for Pulkovo, from where they went on her first trip to Italy and for three weeks they looked like really happy newlyweds, kissing a lot and eating ice cream. Angelica managed to forget about everything until she returned to her apartment on Old Arbat. She received her first blow to the cheek that same day, surrounded by wedding gifts and wilted bouquets of holiday flowers.
David had outbursts of aggression for various reasons: he did not like it when she interrupted him or did not agree. I didn’t like it when she cried - at these moments he could grab her by the hair and hit her against the corner of the table or the back of a chair. But most of all, I didn’t like it when I didn’t answer phone calls, ignored messages and stayed late at work - any lateness was initially punished by a deep wrinkle, as if cutting the forehead in half, and a gaze from brown eyes, and then by blows to the chest and stomach.
At the same time, he wanted her to attract the maximum amount of attention - he spared no expense on new dresses and expensive shoes, on luxury cosmetics, on spa treatments and plastic surgery. The girl had already agreed to blepharoplasty of the eyelids, lip augmentation and a “slight” change in the tip of the nose, but she liked her own reflection in the mirror exactly until she pulled off her branded dress.
Purple-yellow, blue-green, red-black - she studied, examined her body, tried to look into the depths of the color, although she did not understand what exactly she wanted to see in these bruises, bruises and hickeys.
What is abuse and why is it dangerous?
Abuse, like ordinary physical violence, is aimed at achieving one's own benefit. For people inclined to him, he is the object of love and the meaning of life, which allows him, thus, to achieve success, while simultaneously causing harm to others.
Previously, it was believed that abuse is a quality inherent in authoritative and influential people, individuals who are ready to do anything to achieve a goal.
In recent years, psychologists have noticed that it is most often characteristic of individuals:
- not having much value in life and surrounded by other people, but who consider this state of affairs unacceptable and are trying to achieve success in society through violence;
- whose power and influence are limited to a certain, narrow circle of people (one family or company), where they happily set their own rules and impose them on their subordinates.
A classic example of a male abuser is considered to be any bloody dictator (Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini) whose power was built on humiliation, submission and suffering not only of the people, but also of loved ones.
In the modern world, the number of abusers has increased significantly, and such a dangerous person can easily hide under the guise of an immediate boss, spouse, relative, close friend or colleague.
If bruises and abrasions that appear as a result of physical violence are visible to the naked eye, then the signs of mental violence remain invisible for a long time not only to others, but also to the victim herself.
Methodical suppression of the psyche, lasting for months and sometimes years, coercion has no external causes, gradually destroying the mental state of a person susceptible to emotional stress.
The consequences of such long-term abuse are fraught with serious psychological problems, including:
- loss of self-esteem;
- being in a constant state of depression;
- loss of trust in other people;
- moral degradation with lack of interest in life;
- deterioration of relationships with other people;
- the appearance of a persistent feeling of anxiety;
- total control on the part of the manipulator.
Why did David grow up so cruel?
Mom never loved him - that’s what David himself said. He couldn't remember a time when the selfish, black-browed woman with the ever-angry expression on her face had been gentle with him. She gave birth to him at thirty-three, because it was impossible not to give birth. He irritated her with his tenderness and trepidation, and the more often the child caressed his mother’s bony knees, the more he annoyed her.
The boy grew up inventive: he understood at what moments his mother was most tender with him, and learned to behave in such a way that she would always praise him. I often thought that I hated “this cold creature,” and at the same time sought her approval.
When David was thirteen years old, she was involved in a car accident and was seriously injured. She lay in bed for three months: her son fed his mother with a spoon, followed the medication schedule, and listened carefully to all the doctors’ instructions.
The woman somehow immediately became kinder to her son, looked into his eyes with gratitude, but then she recovered - everything returned to normal, and David began to hate her again.
How to leave an abuser
It is necessary for women who are faced with complete alienation and total control that interferes with free movement to get rid of their abuser.
If you finally decide to get rid of your abuser, then you need to break off the relationship sharply and decisively
Most victims have difficulty identifying the abuser and remain under his control for a long time because:
- have a strong attachment to a man;
- perceive total control as a strong concern;
- Since childhood, we have faced similar attitudes from our parents.
Often, in order to solve such problems, it is necessary to turn to the victim’s past and analyze her relationship with her parents, who are accustomed to suppressing a woman’s character.
Visit to a psychologist
In the process of work carried out through psychoanalysis, the specialist not only asks the woman about her present life, but also draws parallels from the past, trying to establish the victim’s relationship with her parents.
A victim accustomed to total control and humiliation can be cured only by restructuring her relationships with relatives and forcing her to stop seeing a caring father in a man.
Consistent work of a psychologist helps the patient build new strong relationships and prevent the emergence of the next toxic marriage, the characteristic of which is that the husband does not drink, does not hit, but is jealous and controls every step.
During the work, the psychologist forces the patient:
| Find the cause of your troubles | To establish who exactly causes the development of long-term depression and what is associated with it. |
| Separate your partner from your parents | At this stage, a woman should understand that a partner is not a substitute for a parent and that it is he who is the cause of all the troubles that arise. Children cannot help but love their parents because they are dependent on them, but an adult, independent person is able to take care of himself and does not want violence, but ordinary love. Long-term work on herself will help a woman realize that her choice of a partner is not determined by love, but by the desire to complete a childhood scenario, and if she wants, she can choose whether to endure humiliation or not. |
| Get rid of guilt | Guilt in such relationships is a fictitious, instilled feeling that arises from the woman’s conviction that she is worthy of such treatment, and not because of real offenses. |
Expand your social circle
Making peace with relatives, calling old friends or getting a job and making new friends is exactly what will help a woman get rid of loneliness imposed by an abuser. New relationships and a range of interests will make a woman more confident and able to withstand psychological pressure.
Having a pet can also play a big role in getting rid of loneliness , especially if previously it was strictly forbidden to have one. A fluffy cat, whose purring instantly warms the soul, or a dog, will allow you to make new friends and provide the necessary psychological support.
Learn to love yourself
In addition to parents, men and children, every woman should first of all love herself, but at the same time not feel sorry for herself.
A person who takes an active life position and is confident in his exclusivity is self-sufficient and becomes an uninteresting victim for any manipulator who seeks to press for pity and revel in it.
You better not argue with me
One day Angelica and David sat down to dinner. He said:
- I want you to quit.
Angelica was scared:
- But I want to work.
- But I do not want.
“I can’t just up and quit.”
“You have everything, I provide for you inside and out.” Why do you need to work?
- Because I love my job.
- What about me? - he asked calmly.
- Of course I love you.
- But do you love your work more?
- You can’t compare...
- Why? It is important for me to know that my woman is ready to sacrifice some little things for me.
- I’m not asking you to leave your job for me...
— If I leave my job, will we move to your mother’s rented apartment?
- No, but…
David continued to leisurely chew his dinner.
“Come on,” he said, “just don’t argue with me.” Tomorrow you will write your letter of resignation. You will turn into a decent wife, you will stop being a whore at work.
“I don’t...” Angelica tried to protest and was first hit in the face with lettuce leaves, then with a snow-white kitchen towel.
She wiped her face with a napkin, stood at the sink and turned on the cold water.
- Why are you doing this?
- I don’t hear anything, kitten! What are you meowing there?
She cooled her face with water and turned decisively towards him.
“I want,” he continued, “for you to give birth to my child.” So that...” he came close to her and kissed the top of her head, “so that we have a baby.” As beautiful as you.
Angelica did not want children, but was afraid to admit it to her husband.
— You don’t have to quit your job to have children. Of course, I’ll go on maternity leave anyway, then we’ll hire a nanny.
- No, I want you to stay at home.
- But…
David grabbed her from behind by the neck and forced her to lie on the floor.
“You better not argue with me,” he said and kicked her in the stomach.
Angelique lay there without resisting; she wanted to curl up, hug her knees and turn away as usual, but this time she didn’t care anymore. I thought: it would be nice if he just killed her now.
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Don't try to change your abuser. It's useless. He is happy with everything in this situation. There is no point in changing for him. He considers himself an owner: he has a submissive family, obedient children. And in order for him to change, he needs to tense up and do what he doesn’t want.
Neither separation nor the birth of children will change him. Even going to war could not instill family values in our relationship.
If anyone needs to change, it's yourself. Fight your fears and complexes. Think carefully about your escape routes and prepare the ground.
You must do everything to ensure that the pretty abuser cannot convince you to return to him.
If for some reason you are postponing a divorce, defend your boundaries and be sure to find a job or part-time job. Look for support and think through ways to free yourself.
There's nothing wrong with you, you're doing everything right!
Stop apologizing and taking blame. Turn on the ignore button as much as possible. Use all your free time for self-improvement and increasing self-esteem. Set your priorities in your favor. Start loving yourself. You will immediately receive a surge of vitality, you will have hope for a better life. Believe in yourself, you are strong. It's time to act.
For those who have the opportunity to leave their tyrant, do not hesitate!
Referring to my own opinion and the opinion of the same “sufferers,” I declare that you will not regret the divorce even once.
The only thing you will regret is the time wasted, the fact that you were afraid to take this serious step.
I wanted to give you statistical data, but I immediately changed my mind. Because from my own experience I know that not everyone asks for help. They don't wash dirty linen in public. They endure and create the illusion of a happy married life.
Yes, I once made a mistake with my “girlish cerebellum”, I went through such a school of life, and mistakes need to be corrected. It took me a long time to decide on this step. There were many challenges ahead of me, but I was filled with a sense of pride that I had done it.
I gave myself a second chance. And not only for myself. I gave my children a peaceful childhood and youth.
Believe in yourself, make the right decisions, release yourself! Because you deserve it.
If you need support, I will be happy to help you - write to me.
I stopped feeling alive
Her husband deprived her of communication with her mother, friends and colleagues, checked her phone, controlled how she looked, had sex with her, even if she didn’t want to. The girl stopped feeling like a living person: she woke up, automatically performed some actions, washed her face, put on makeup, and got dressed. Existed.
At first, she was ready to reconcile and be patient, because he seemed to be able to give her financial security, but it turned out that he had taken away her freedom without her noticing.
For four months after her dismissal, Angelica lived practically in lockdown: David hired her a driver who drove her along a pre-agreed route. She finally stopped seeing her friends and did only what she was supposed to do: visited beauty salons, health clinics, fitness centers, took vitamins, ate fruit and went on trips with David.
She stopped sleeping - the dream was gone completely. Angelica got out of bed, went to the window and thought about opening the sash and jumping down, but every time she became scared.
At first, David was happy, but after three weeks his unconditionally obedient and emotionless wife began to irritate him, and it was from that moment that he became truly cruel.
He asked me to talk in detail about previous partners, clarifying all the details. The beatings became more frequent and longer - he still beat Angelica only on the stomach and chest. He called her dirty and spoiled, and every day she believed him more and more.
How can you tell if your partner may be an abuser?
- He speaks disrespectfully about previous partners and women in general.
- He is disrespectful to you.
- He does favors that you didn’t ask for: he tries to help in every possible way on his own initiative, and then he makes a show out of it, and you feel guilty for not being grateful enough.
- He controls where you go, with whom, and what type of transport you use to get home. Control always begins unnoticed - with comments about clothes, with comments about friends and relatives, with persuasion to quit a job or move to another, with unsolicited advice on how to live.
- He is constantly jealous. Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs of future humiliation. Jealousy as a feeling is different from jealous behavior. Anyone can feel some kind of insecurity in certain situations, however, if he demands that you refuse to communicate with people in order to calm his jealousy, you can be sure that continuation will follow.
- He never admits that he is to blame.
- He pushes in matters of sex. This is an important signal. Disrespect for your wishes indicates that he is exploiting you. Sex as proof of love is unacceptable.
- He strives to quickly move on to a serious relationship. Even if you want to believe the opposite, then, most likely, the desire to quickly move to the stage of common life and life together is an attempt to quickly tie you hand and foot. If your opinion on this issue is not listened to, this can send a bad signal.
- He intimidates when angry, blocking paths and restricting freedom of movement, saying that he is "only trying to get him to listen to him."
- He swings his arms, makes threatening remarks like “You’ll regret it,” “It won’t seem like much.”
- He drives dangerously when he's angry.
- He bangs on walls and doors.
- He throws objects - not necessarily at you.
- He operates with double standards - some “rules” for him, others for you.
- He treats you completely differently in front of other people.
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