Few people are ready for the words: “I’m leaving.” Even if the relationship was coming to an end, it is difficult to take its last stage calmly. From a psychological point of view, this is normal. Parting, like any other loss, must be lived and accepted. To recover and move on with your life, a person normally needs to go through the five stages of grief.
First comes a period of denial. “No, he was joking and is not leaving,” “She can’t really get a divorce” - all the thoughts of the abandoned person circle around this. At this stage, you can make hasty but wrong decisions, for example, pretending that nothing happened. Or call your loved one twenty times a day, despite their requests not to do so.
After this comes aggression. Ideas of revenge, quarrels with friends and relatives, a ban on children meeting with ex-spouses - these are his terrible companions.
Then comes the bidding stage. A person, depending on his religious and other beliefs, tries to enter into an agreement with some higher powers. This can be a conscious step (prayers, fasting, active sudden charity) and unconscious (“I’ll lose weight and he’ll come back,” “I’ll earn money for an apartment and she’ll change her mind”).
The next stage is depression. In severe cases - up to the need for medical help. Tears, loss of strength, unwillingness to live - you have to live with this for some time. And only after this comes acceptance: positive emotions return to the person, internal strength appears, and he is ready to live again.
Trips will help you survive a breakup - from a weekend in a country holiday home to a flight to an exotic country.
It is important for loved ones to help the abandoned person go through all these stages, which may vary in duration. During the bidding period, you should not laugh at bouts of religiosity or changes in yourself, and at the stage of aggression you should not fuel the conflict. This will only make the situation worse.
New life
Managing your own grief is difficult, it requires serious strength. But after accepting what happened, you can start life again. After experiencing a breakup, people discover a new side of themselves. By analyzing a broken relationship, you can understand what you liked about it and what you absolutely didn’t like, and avoid repeating mistakes in the future. Moreover, it is important to think not only about the shortcomings and advantages of a former lover or beloved, but also about your own. However, there is no need to blame yourself for what you did or said, just refuse to repeat it.
In severe cases, it is better not to be alone with yourself, but to seek help from family, friends or a psychologist.
In addition, after a breakup, a huge amount of free time appears. Previously, it was spent on joint leisure - going to the cinema or theater, dinners, etc. Now these hours are an opportunity for self-realization. You can sign up for a gym, take a photography course, start knitting or making wood crafts, in the end, just meet more often with friends you never had a moment to meet before. For some, breaking up helps them radically change their lives.
How to start a new life after breaking up with a girl
The first thing you need to do is learn to take responsibility solely for your own decisions and actions. If it already happened that the girl decided to leave the relationship, despite the feelings that you have for her, then you should understand that this is only her choice. You should not sacrifice yourself for the mistakes of others.
If a girl left the relationship of her own free will, then there is always a chance to get her back by proving that she was wrong in her decision. To do this, you need to pull yourself together and start working on yourself in order to reach a level that will meet the needs of your beloved.
If you understand that this relationship would sooner or later reach a dead end, then you need to look around. After all, we are always surrounded by family, loved ones, and friends who can help us get through difficult moments in life. And when the aching heart calms down a little, you can think about building a new, more ideal relationship with a person who can appreciate you.
How to start a new life after breaking up with your beloved young man, married man psychology
If the circumstances in your life are such that you had to part with your loved one, then you should not drag out the agony of feelings for a long time. We need to try to pull ourselves together as quickly as possible and start life over with a new leaf. This will be much easier if you follow these tips:
1. There is no need to tear your soul apart once again by listening to dramatic songs, watching melodramas with happy endings, or re-reading the entire history of telephone correspondence with your ex-boyfriend.
2. Try to change the environment, which every inch reminds you of the ended relationship; if possible, go on a trip; if this is not possible, then think about rearranging the house, or new wallpaper, or at least new bed linen.
3. Engage in your own improvement, because if you spend all your free time learning something new, then there will be no time left to feel sorry for yourself.
How to forget your ex-husband, change yourself and start a new life - advice from a psychologist
The breakup of a relationship for many people becomes an impetus to change themselves, to strive for new heights and achievements. And these impulses can be crowned with great success if you manage to pull yourself together in time and start working on your own shortcomings and achieving your goals.
The main thing after a breakup is to stop feeling sorry for yourself in time, not to procrastinate with depression and not to give in to the temptation to dream of revenge. To make it easier to forget your husband, you can remember all the grievances that you had throughout your marriage, this will make it easier to overcome all the suffering.
When you are ready to go out into the world new, beautiful and happy, then:
Has your man left you? This happens quite often and many have had to endure the despair and resentment that accompany such a separation. It constantly sounds in my head, as if on a broken tape recorder: “Why? For what?..” Today we will try to at least somehow help you in this situation and tell you what to do so that such a crisis passes as quickly as possible.
Probably, every woman at least once in her life has encountered such a nuisance as parting with a loved one. And this is really a very, very difficult test even for the strongest woman. And the only question that arises in a woman’s head during this period is how to survive after breaking up with a loved one? From the outside, this question may seem absolutely crazy. But those who have experienced this pain themselves will understand the urgency of this problem.
After all, in fact, after a breakup with a loved one, a woman’s life practically stops for some time. You lose interest in literally everything - in work, in your hobbies, in children if you have them, in your appearance, and ultimately in food. Fortunately, in most cases this negative period does not last so long - two to three weeks, after which the woman begins to slowly come to her senses. But, alas, this is not always the case - some representatives of the fair sex do not manage to pull themselves together for a very long time. And this threatens with very real problems - for example, prolonged depression.
This cannot be allowed under any circumstances - we need to start taking action. Popular wisdom says that tears cannot help grief. And this is true, unfortunately or fortunately. Therefore, dry your tears, throw away your handkerchiefs and move forward to a brighter future. Of course, no one requires you to sing songs and give your radiant smiles in the very first days after a breakup.
Do you want to cry? Cry! Do you want to break all the dishes in the house? For your health, then buy a new one. Does your soul demand to cut into pieces all the things that remind you of your ex? Scissors will help you! Psychologists call this state a surge of negative emotions. And this is the most important stage on the path to recovery, which means it is necessary to go through it. And it will become much easier for you, you’ll see!
What to do if your daughter divorces her son-in-law
Whatever the circumstances of the family breakdown, all parents, without exception, want their daughter to be happy after the divorce. It seems that just recently my daughter was a little girl for whom her parents could solve any problem. Well, the girl grew up and got married. Now you can be calm about your child, but like a bolt from the blue the news appears about the end of your daughter’s marriage.
Parents, stunned by the news, do not yet understand how to help their daughter survive the divorce, and they make a common mistake - they begin to regret taking care of their adult child with all their might. Yes, caring for a divorced girl during this difficult period will not hurt, but there must be a limit to everything - there are simply funny situations when a mother out loud convinces her daughter that she has her whole life ahead of her and at the same time behaves as if there is a dead person in the house - constantly cries and speaks in a hushed tone. General pity often becomes a reason for depression in a divorced woman, from which it is quite difficult to get out.
For some reason, sometimes many parents bring to the forefront the question of how exactly they should survive their daughter’s divorce from her husband. After all, it’s about their reputation - what will neighbors and relatives say, they don’t just leave good girls. Not knowing how to cope with the divorce of their daughter and son-in-law with dignity, the father-in-law and mother-in-law completely shift the blame to their ex-husband, trying to protect themselves and their child. For a while, the parents forget that their daughter is going through much more than they are, because it is her family that has been destroyed, and it is unknown what to do next.
At the time of the child’s divorce proceedings, parents need to forget about their feelings and think about how they can alleviate the condition of their loved one. If there are children in the family, it is better if they spend a few days with their grandparents. A tearful mother is unlikely to be able to give them due attention. At the moment, it doesn’t matter how the mother or father feels about her daughter’s divorce, the main thing is to remind the child that she has close people who are always ready to help. At the same time, you should not be too intrusive, as this most often irritates girls under stress.
Realize what happened
For the first few days after a breakup, a woman cannot comprehend what happened. In psychology, this phenomenon is called the “period of denial.” No, with her brain the woman understands perfectly well what happened, but on the emotional level she refuses to believe it. And until she believes, she will not be able to break out of this emotional state.
Are you crying? Now sit down, stop crying at least for a minute and tell yourself the following - you, or rather, with you, have broken off the relationship. The severance of any relationship is almost always difficult to bear, especially for both partners in a couple. And despite the fact that it was your ex-man who broke off the relationship, it’s hardly easier for him now than for you. Oddly enough, for most women this malicious thought warms their souls. And that’s true - you’re not the only one to suffer, are you? You must accept this current situation from this point of view.
Your subconscious mind refuses to believe in what is happening and no admonitions or attempts at common sense to reach you help? Well, we'll have to act more radically. First, remove from visible places all things that remind you of your ex-man. The same popular wisdom says that out of sight, out of mind. If you don’t feel like throwing everything away, then at least collect everything in one box and put it away.
Of course, if your husband leaves you, this will not be easy - you can’t stuff the whole apartment into a closet. But a way out can also be found in this situation - go to your mother for a couple of days or even go to some kind of holiday home. By the way, at the same time change the situation, which will also only benefit you, mind you.
Ways for a girl to recover after breaking up with her husband
How else can the parents of their daughter help during a divorce? During a period of stress, the girl may need a vacation, because a woman who is always upset and immersed in her problems is not an employee.
It is logical that this will affect her well-being, and if the parents have such an opportunity, they can support their daughter financially. If mother and daughter are close to each other in spirit and are close friends, at the moment of distress such cohesion will help the divorced girl to perk up. Anything will do - a trip to the spa, a movie, bowling, a change of image and banal shopping - all this will help the girl unwind and come to her senses.
Another way to help your beloved daughter survive a divorce from her husband is to remind the girl of her attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex, remember life stories related to fans, and so on. This is a good incentive to pull yourself together. But sending your daughter and her friends out to a bar or nightclub immediately after the divorce process is not the best idea. A girl in a difficult emotional state is capable of doing stupid things that she will regret.
Many mothers and fathers, after the separation of their child from her husband, remember the saying “They knock out a wedge with a wedge,” and rush to improve her personal life. This situation happens especially often in families with authoritarian parents, who know better than anyone how to survive their daughter’s divorce. They get a chance to correct their mistake and marry their daughter to a man suitable for her. Even if an adult child succumbs to the persuasion of loved ones and tries to build a life with a new chosen one, this will not end well.
Have no illusions
Psychologists say that the most difficult time immediately after a breakup is the first six weeks. It is important that this time period can be significantly reduced only if you firmly decide for yourself that this is the real end. Understand - let him go! Let it not be your fault, but only his decision. Don't hold back your tears. Cry to your heart’s content, but don’t forget to repeat to yourself a thousand times: “Yes, he’s gone!” He's gone forever! And now, spoken for the thousand and first time, this phrase will once again cease to dominate you.
And with this, as a rule, very serious problems arise - almost every woman for a very long time hopes that the man will come to his senses and will definitely return to her, realizing what he has lost. And as long as a woman thinks about this, and not about how to start a new life after a breakup, she will not be able to get rid of mental torment.
Pay attention to this! Such an understanding of the current situation is quite important. Therefore, if you cope and understand that this is really the end, then it is already worth a lot. Consider this the first victory, the first battle won in the war in your name. Transform yourself into a strong person - a woman who knows how to cope with difficulties. And separation for her is nothing more than another, completely removable problem. You can get back on your feet and continue on your way, no matter what happens.
And if you continue to wait for your prince to return, you will continue to wear down your already exhausted psyche. Is it worth it? As practice shows, less than a third of all men who break off relationships on their own initiative return. In addition, it is very important to ask yourself one simple question - do you really need this return? And, more importantly, answer it honestly. After all, you understand perfectly well that someone who betrayed you once will most likely betray you again. Are you ready to constantly live as if on a powder keg?
"Persuasion" by Jane Austen
It is difficult to name a Jane Austen novel in which unrequited love does not play some role, but Persuasion is the most striking example of such a story. Due to social pressure, Anne Eliot is forced to forget her engagement to the man she loves, and spends the next 10 years regretting it.
How quickly the arguments of reason come to our aid if we want something.
How to reduce pain?
Do not forget that your main goal is the most painless way out of this failed relationship. First of all, you must maintain your individuality and self-respect. And if you yourself became the initiator, then, for sure, you do not want to be tormented by remorse and want to forget about everything as soon as possible. In that case, read on:
- Diary
If you have never been particularly talkative, and sharing your problems with someone is somehow not in your habits, then you should start a personal diary. A diary is, perhaps, one of the best and most effective methods to get rid of all sorts of grievances, sad memories and depressing thoughts once and for all. You can quite easily get rid of the burden of problems that have piled up.
Your diary is not only a wonderful listener and interlocutor who is always with you in difficult moments of separation, but also a wonderful psychotherapist. In addition, a thought written on paper becomes clearer and more precise and easier to understand. As soon as you pour out all your grievances, insults and torments, they will immediately turn into the past and go away from you. Emotions and experiences no longer weigh heavily on your soul and seem to set you free. It’s as if you take off, and calmness, self-control and common sense return to you again.
Very often you can hear advice to burn everything written, thus trying to get rid of the negative. But many psychologists argue that you will throw out the negativity on paper anyway, and re-reading about your current emotional state later, when everything has stabilized, will not only be very entertaining, but also useful. Just be careful that the diary doesn’t fall into the wrong hands—there’s no need for strangers to rummage through your dirty laundry, right?
- Openness
Being alone with your problems is quite difficult. This will extend your recovery period after a breakup even longer. Don't isolate yourself. Tell about your problems to as many people around you as possible. Psychoanalysis calls this approach the “grief dispersal method.” After a fairly short period of time, you will feel sufficient lightness, as if a stone had been lifted from your soul. Chat with your girlfriends. They will listen to you and give you some advice.
- Self talk
It's always nice to talk to an intelligent person, isn't it? And besides, it’s also very useful! Sit comfortably in front of a mirror. Then try talking to yourself. Tell yourself about your problems. Psychologists say that this type of therapy is very successful in dealing with depression and stress.
By the way, when practicing in front of your mirror, end the session with a lesson in facial expressions. Make a funny face at yourself, and your mood will immediately improve. Just try to convince yourself that the problem is not worth a damn. And you can definitely handle such a trifle.
- Strengthen your body
Remember: our mental and mental state is directly related to our body. By playing sports and training your body, you will be able to cope with other problems. Work until you lose your pulse. It makes absolutely no difference how you load yourself: you can do strength training, running, fitness, or start a general cleaning with rearranging furniture in all rooms and general repairs.
Doesn't matter! The main thing is that you exercise physically. In some cases, it is useful to shout loudly or cry bitterly. The main task is to let off steam, let negative emotions come out, do not accumulate inside you, do not store them, otherwise they will gradually destroy you from the inside. And you’ll sleep much better at night—you simply won’t have the strength to cry into your pillow.
- Work! Work! Work!
Plunge yourself into your work. This is simply a magical method for solving all problems. Parting with your loved one will go much faster and more unnoticeably for you. By actively working, you will forget about your troubles and problems and take your mind off them. Yes, work has another invaluable advantage - it is not only psychotherapy, but also a way to earn money, which means you get double benefits. And perhaps a promotion up the career ladder.
- Pamper yourself
Not only psychiatrists, but also other doctors are confident that regular exercise helps relieve stress. Better get over yourself and go to a fitness club or gym. Don't forget about fresh air. Nature also has healing properties. Go for a walk in the park. Treat yourself! Re-read a book you love or watch a good movie. Give yourself some attention.
Dress smartly, even if you don’t want to go anywhere that evening. Just stay home and cook what you love for dinner. Or go to your friends, take part in fun and noisy parties - this way you will distract yourself from sad thoughts. Your life should not stop and freeze. Events and changes must take place in it.
- Meditation
Do you know that meditation is a great way to replace the never-drying rivers of tears with something. A meditative state, calm and relaxed, allows you to achieve peace and clarity. During meditation, recovery occurs several times faster than even during sleep. And it doesn’t matter that you haven’t encountered this before - go study, fortunately there are a great many such centers.
- Nutrition
is also an important point in the treatment of depression and depression. You should always eat right. Only in the movies does the main character, after another breakup, save herself with a ton of chocolate and a pound of marmalade. In life, it’s better to give up spicy and sweet foods altogether if you want to quickly return to normal and forget about depression. All kinds of fruits and vegetables, mineral water and natural juices will help you and are simply necessary for a speedy recovery. But if you want to prolong the life of your neurosis, then continue to eat kilograms of cakes, washing it all down with red wine.
- spring-cleaning
Throw out everything unnecessary from your home, even what is in no way connected with your ex-man. You want to start a new life, right? This means that it is necessary to part with any reminders of her. By the way, ideally it would be nice to completely renovate and replace the furniture. Of course, if your financial capabilities allow it.
Focus on yourself
Perhaps you broke up because there was something that didn’t suit him about you. Use the break to become better in every way. Work on both form and content so that when you meet, your partner will appreciate the positive changes.
Anyone who experiences trauma after a breakup needs to heal. To do this, go to the movies, theaters, concerts, meet friends. Eliminate people from your life who are prone to gossip and those who infect you with negativity. You need pleasant emotions that will become a good background for making the right decision. It is possible that you will see the situation in a new light and change your opinion to the opposite.
Goals and achievements
You need to recover from your loss and take care of yourself. Set yourself the goal of returning to a new life - life without him. Try to remember who you were before him, what occupied and worried you more, what you would like to do and what dreams you put on hold then. Today you have a rare and wonderful opportunity to express your personality by following your desires.
You should not dream of revenge - such a reaction will not give you the desired relief, but will only reopen old wounds. It is worth understanding that an intelligent, strong and mature woman, personality and individuality, is able to endure a separation. And in general, it’s enough to think about it and cry all the time!
Remember all the insults that he inflicted on you during your relationship with him, all the prohibitions. Now put on the red short dress that was always your favorite, but he forbade you to wear it because it seemed vulgar to him. Call your best friend, with whom he forbade you to communicate because he said she was stupid. And go out and have fun at a club or somewhere else. Definitely together with your best friends and girlfriends, whom he was jealous of and with whom he forbade you to communicate. Life is beautiful without him! It’s even much better! So don’t put it off and start your new and, most importantly, happy life!
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Probably, now that I’m happy and not alone, it’s a little easier to talk about “How to survive the passing of a loved one” than before, but I had all this...
I always really wanted a family. But only a real family - friendly, loving, united by some interesting common affairs, plans, a family that is always together and which, as my husband says, has its own “I” - the one and only. Perhaps someone will say that this is a utopia, that all this only happens in films and novels. But I know for sure that this happens and, moreover, that it should be so. Exactly like that, only like that and no other way!!! And I judge not even from my own experience (our family still has very little time), but from what I see in some families I know. I only note with sadness that I encounter this, unfortunately, in a few cases. For some reason, I mostly know families where people live as if, due to some life circumstances, they must live together. But that's a completely different story...
I am 32 years old. This is my second marriage (the first was when I was 19 years old as a student and broke up after a year and a half). At the age of 22, it seemed to me that my whole life was ahead of me, that there would be many more meetings in life, and that I would quite easily find what I needed! There really were a lot of meetings, but I found my destiny only 10 years later.
Perhaps my problem was that I became very attached to the person I was dating. Always. Do you know this expression: “Stuck like a leaf!”? - it's about me. I always wanted what I wrote about above, and I tried to create it just with the wrong people. And this was not right. Nothing can be changed once a person has already formed as a person. He treats you the way he can and wants to treat you. All sorts of advice - behave like this, don’t run at the first call, etc. and so on. - I didn’t listen. Firstly, I can only be who I am, and secondly, it seems to me that these games are unworthy of any person. This is a lie and insincerity.
And it seemed to me that there were no bad men. That if something doesn’t work out, then the reason is not in them, but in me, that something is wrong in me! And I tried to be better! To please, to anticipate any desire, to prepare surprises - and all this from the heart, sincerely. But how wise is the Russian proverb - “You can’t be nice by force.” If a person doesn’t have love for you, no matter what you do, nothing will change. Moreover, I know this from my own experience - I didn’t like the men who sincerely loved me, and I couldn’t help myself, although I understood that on their part this was the real thing that I was looking for and wanted.
“We love those who don’t love us.
We destroy those who love us."
The result of all this was separation - sometimes long and painful, sometimes quick, but no less painful. Partings, when it seemed that life was ending, when there was no hope left, when with each separation you despair more and more and believe less. But you still believe! Otherwise, life would simply stop in me.
How did I cope with separations, and not only separations, but the sometimes boorish attitude towards me? Differently. Of course, there were tears, insomnia, but the worst thing was a state where the heart and soul were compressed both physically and morally. This state can only be understood by those who have experienced it. And no medicines, herbs, herbs, or valerian help here. When you don’t know what to do with yourself, where to take yourself. Terrible condition. God forbid anyone. And the most frightening thing is - what's next? Where is the exit? What? Am I doomed to suffer forever?
I waited, I really waited for my husband. Patiently, day after day. Ten years, or maybe much more. Sometimes I reminded myself of a stray dog running on the street and looking into everyone’s eyes - take me. But at the same time I understood that it was not me. That I have requirements for the person who will be with me, and the requirements are very high. Or rather, not even to the person, but to the relationships that are built with him.
One day my mother, who is not a religious or pious person at all, heard on TV that there is an icon “Unexpected Joy”, and that it helps in the most hopeless cases. And, going into churches, I looked for this icon to light a candle for it. I found it for the first time in the Seraphim-Diveevo monastery. The service ended, but I managed to light a candle. After 3 months I met my husband. I don't know if this is a coincidence or if there is some kind of sign in this. It’s just that there was hope for me in this icon too.
I didn’t even know that such happiness could exist. Every day we say to each other: “What a blessing that you exist!”
This is what I would also like to say. And I think this is very important.
Firstly, if some moments arise, situations in which you are clearly humiliated, treated without love, respect - do not expect this to change for the better. What if a miracle suddenly happens and a person changes his nature 180 degrees! It doesn’t happen that everything changes! In any case, I don’t believe it! And all my troubles were mainly due to the fact that I expected such changes. You need to break off immediately, without waiting for “lethal” and tragic outcomes, when the soul is already so attached that breaking off the relationship becomes like death. And such thoughts as - “well, maybe I’m wrong”, “maybe everything is not so bad at all”, “maybe this will change”, “maybe I don’t understand something” - bluff! True love, true respect, care are always visible. They say that we can feign feelings, but we cannot hide them. And that’s when you can’t hide - this is what a person really has - and when you can’t hide love, and when you can’t hide your irritation and bullying!
Secondly, when you leave, go away! Never return to the person you broke up with (unless it’s some kind of quarrel due to flaws in your characters)!
And thirdly, and most importantly, every separation is a sign! I am also firmly convinced of this. Since you broke up with a person, it means that this person is not your person. Let him go and let both him and yourself be happy! The union of two people who are not meant for each other is a tragedy. This is the tragedy of families and the children who are born into them. Maybe I'm sounding a little harsh, but that's how it is.
The main rule is not to listen to advice, and mine too! It's easy to give advice to others, not to yourself... But it's not even advice. This is a bitter experience. But my experience is personal. They only learn from their mistakes, and even then not always. Go through pain, suffering, feelings of joy, happiness, but let these always be your feelings. Only yours. And along with these feelings, faith and hope should always live in you. Always! Believe that you will find your soul mate. Only the “real” half! I believed and found it! Good luck and love to everyone!
Editor's note:
two months after writing this story, Natalia had a daughter...
How to survive a breakup with a loved one? This question haunts men and women who feel the bitterness of ending a relationship. It is very difficult to endure separation if previously there were warm and trusting relationships between people. There is no universal way to cope with a breakup, but almost every person has their own recipe for healing mental pain, based on personal experience.
When a relationship is falling apart right before your eyes and a breakup is inevitable, it is difficult to give any advice. Each case is strictly individual, and it is impossible to apply the same template in different situations. Advice from psychologists helps not to fall into depression and get out of the current situation with minimal losses. So how do you get over the pain of a breakup?
How to make it easier for your daughter to separate from her husband
The model of behavior that determines how to really help a daughter survive a divorce from her husband largely depends on her psychological type. If a woman is prone to depression, lies down all day and refuses food, she cannot cope with this on her own - she needs the help of a professional psychologist. Don't think that sooner or later everything will go away on its own. Time heals, but there are stories when a woman could not recover from a family collapse throughout her life.
There are also opposite stories - when the breakdown of a family causes aggression in the ex-wife and a desire to take revenge on the other half. Such emotional ladies find relief in constantly ruining the life of their ex-husband, maintaining a feeling of hatred in themselves. Children often become instruments of revenge. Under the influence of feelings, they do not care at all what the situation looks like from the outside; they are simply unable to think about it. In this case, you need to switch the woman’s violent energy to other problems - ask for help around the house, go to visit relatives, make repairs, etc.
No matter how much parents love their children, most consider it necessary to raise them until old age. One of the common educational measures is to constantly confirm that “mom was right.” Even in a divorce situation, a mother or father cannot deny themselves the pleasure of saying “I told you so.” The phrase is heard especially often in families where relatives have never approved of their child’s choice. And this is a huge mistake - it’s already not easy for the girl, and constant nagging from loved ones will only aggravate the worries and further reduce self-esteem. After all, sometimes it is difficult for a woman to survive not the departure of her husband, but the fact that she did not notice the obvious things happening under her nose.
But such banal phrases for support as “Everything will be fine”, “Everything will pass” work well. Even if at some point they cause aggression, their frequent mention gives the necessary psychological mood.
What to do
Allow yourself to cry
If you decide to throw yourself into work or urgently come up with a new interesting hobby, don’t rush, give free rein to your emotions. Parting with a loved one can be figuratively compared to a common illness, the treatment of which must take a certain time. Cry into a pillow or on a friend’s shoulder, throw out accumulated feelings and emotions. The severity of separation must be felt and realized as a fait accompli. If this moment is constantly delayed, trying to be distracted by other topics, the pain will constantly accumulate and cause more severe suffering. Psychologists advise setting specific deadlines, after which you will need to get in shape and not show the torment you have experienced.
Dot all the i's
How to get over a breakup with a guy if every little thing reminds you of his presence? Return or throw away all his gifts that remind you of your past relationship and make you sad. There are cases when girls burned their wedding dresses and said that this really helps to get the man they had previously married out of their heads. These are, of course, extreme methods, but who knows, maybe they really help you survive a breakup. It's a good idea to delete all text messages from your ex.
Blacklist him
Many girls don’t know how to survive a breakup with their beloved man if your paths constantly cross. A striking example is an office romance, after which you have to work in the same company and constantly clash during the work process. When breaking up, you need to behave with dignity, without making scenes or hysterics. If you constantly cross paths in the same places, act cold and distant. Abandoned women evoke pity, so don't give others reasons to talk. As practice shows, in a month you will develop “emotional” immunity, and communication with your ex will be less painful.
Don't be shy to ask for help
An experienced psychotherapist will help you cope with the advanced problem of how to survive a breakup with your lover. If you feel that you cannot cope with loneliness on your own and are experiencing psychological discomfort, contact a specialist. Literally a few individual or group lessons will help you find the answer to the questions of what to do if your boyfriend dumps you and how to live after a breakup. Faithful friends who can distract you from gloomy thoughts can also come to your aid. Throw a party, go to karaoke, in short, have a blast. Lately, professional psychologists have often been replaced by women’s forums on the Internet, where you can always speak out and receive psychological support. The main advantage of Internet forums is the remoteness of the conversation, during which the principle of confidentiality is observed. On the Internet, stories of how to forget the man who left you are the most discussed.
Look your best!
The saying, “The worse things are for a girl on the personal front, the better she looks” is not without meaning. It’s better to go through a breakup with a man with perfect hair and makeup than with a tear-stained face and an unkempt head. Another useful advice from psychologists on how to cope with the pain of parting is to go to the gym. When playing sports, a large amount of endorphins are released into the blood, which help lift your mood. Another essential remedy for girls going through a breakup is shopping. Go shopping, buy yourself a few new things. Visit the hairdresser, create a new image of a girl who is able to overcome any difficulties in life.
Look for sources of positivity in every day
Help your friend with wallpapering, visit your sick grandmother, sit with your little nephews while your sister goes to the beauty salon, in a word, do good deeds that will not only distract you from sad thoughts of how to get over a breakup with your boyfriend, but also lift your spirits.
When you were a couple, you had to decide together how to live further and make compromises at the same time. Perhaps your dream was to travel around the world, but you had to buy a family car? Maybe your calling is painting, but your beloved man assured you that being a bank employee is a reliable and respected profession? Having tried something new and non-standard, you will be surprised to find that if a man leaves you, this is not the end of the world, but just another stage in life that brings only positive changes.
Why does love go away?
They say that true love is not just a feeling. This is a state that never ends. They say that a person dies, passes into another world, and even then his love does not die, but remains with him.
Why does it happen that in reality we see how feelings cool down, and a person who thought he loved begins to doubt his feelings or even becomes sure that love is gone?
“Was there love?” Psychologist Irina Karpenko
Probably many people have been touched by this kind of misfortune in their lives. Some experienced this in their youth, some in adulthood, but everyone who was affected still feels, remembering this, pain, a nagging feeling of loneliness, perhaps longing for lost love and a once loved one . Someone experiences resentment, not understanding why this happened to him, why another person caused him such pain.
When we remember our love, every happy and unhappy person probably likes the beginning of love most of all. The purest moments when we first looked into each other's eyes, first dates, amazing moments of one person revealing themselves to another. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and for some, years of trust, this amazing intimacy when we consider a person the most extraordinary, the most irresistible.
And suddenly this amazing feeling disappears. On the one hand or on both, in place of trust, almost deification of the other, there comes, to put it mildly, a very sober look at the one whom we considered our soul mate. First comes an understanding of the characteristics, shortcomings, dependencies, weaknesses, and expected reactions of a person. And then suddenly - once, and a completely clear consciousness arises that this person is not just the same as everyone else - ordinary, but perhaps has great shortcomings in some ways.
And then, unbeknownst to us, our blinding or deification of the other passes, and a rational negative perception of the other remains. We stop seeing the other person; for us he is either something incomprehensible, unpredictable, or something with a minus sign. We lock ourselves in our closets of grievances, and apparent love goes nowhere. At this moment, the other person suddenly discovers that he is no longer so comfortable in the field of our relationship.
I often come across complaints from women that are very similar to each other. These complaints usually contain the motive that the beloved man is not at all what he seemed, he did not live up to expectations at all. The wife waits for him to bring her roses or bread from the store, but he comes sick and drunk.
If initially there was acceptance of the other, simply because he exists, he is with you, then suddenly a different phase of the relationship suddenly begins. We begin to perceive another person based on what he does for us, how he meets our expectations and requirements. This is the threshold beyond which there is no more love.
As a person who has also experienced something similar, now, at 48 years old, I want to ask myself a question - what do we mean by the word “love”? What exactly is leaving? I remember the wonderful words of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, Paisius the Holy Mountain, about true love. And when we compare their definitions with our love, we are often surprised to discover that what we call love is more like blindness. We usually do not have true love, as a willingness to accept another completely, to work to understand and forgive him, to work to change him and ourselves.
We would like love to be only joy, only emotion, only a gift. But I look around and see very few happy families among my friends. And all the happy couples who have been living together for more than one year, who appreciate, love, understand and accept the other half, almost all have experienced crises, but these people work every day. That is why their love is real.
Therefore, when I return to the question of why love leaves, I say: I do not believe that love can leave if it is love.
Something else is going away, and you need to think about what is happening to yourself? How to love yourself? And how to learn to love another?
“Was there love?” Archpriest Igor Gagarin
Did it even exist, that love that “gone away”? That is, was the feeling that we took for love love? Remember how our first meeting with Shakespeare's Romeo begins? We see an unhappy young man grieving over his unrequited love for a girl. But the girl whom Romeo is so obsessed with is not Juliet at all. The meeting with Juliet is ahead.
Having not encountered true love in his life, a person is sometimes inclined to mistake any sympathy, any attraction for it. We really want to love and be loved, sometimes we want it so much that we are ready to convince ourselves that this has already happened. You shouldn’t rush here, but give yourself time to figure it out, but youth is almost always inclined to rush.
I have repeatedly had to listen to one of the young spouses complain that it is unbearably difficult for him (her) to live with his spouse, because “I don’t love him at all.” “But we loved you before!” - “No, I never loved you!” - “But you spoke completely differently before the wedding, I remember!” - “It seemed to me that I loved, but now I understand that I didn’t love then either...” It would be better, of course, to understand this earlier than to make marital vows.
When two young people meet, each strives to create the best impression of themselves, to reveal their most beautiful side to the other. Having met a person I like, I see not all of him, but only a part, and the part that he himself wants to show me. My imagination fills in what is missing. It is clear that this drawing may not even coincide with the actual portrait. And then people take that step that is more responsible and important than anything in the world - they become husband and wife. The husband and wife will no longer be able to “pretend.” Quite quickly they will see the real face of their chosen one. That's when the serious test of love begins. I fell in love with one, married one, but the person turned out to be completely different...
The more closely we communicate with a person, the deeper we penetrate into him, and here discovery follows discovery. Sometimes something can open up that can completely push away from me the one for whom I was recently dearest to everyone.
Of course, these examples do not exhaust the question. It is probably impossible to exhaust it, there are so many reasons why I was loved and became unloved...
“Once we have loved someone in our lives, we cannot stop loving them.” Priest Andrey Lorgus
If a person leaves you, it is not a fact that he stopped loving you. There is a change in attitude, not a change in the person's heart. It is quite possible that love remains in the heart.
Moreover, I am deeply convinced that a person can never stop loving, it is not given to the human heart.
The feeling of this love changes. Relationships between people change. But thank God they are changing. Because the development of the human personality, its spiritual path implies changes in relationships. From children we become adults, from adults we become old people. That is, everything goes its own way, this is normal.
But I don’t really believe in the fact that love disappears from the heart. I think that once we have loved someone in our lives, we cannot stop loving them.
They say you can only fall in love once in your life. This is wrong. The heart holds many loves. But in the highest sense there is only one love. This is that divine quality of the human personality that can manifest itself to several people. This could be a mother, father, spouse, children. Love has no limits.
When you say: “a loved one has left,” he did not leave his love, he left you. This means that something in your relationship was more painful for him than experiencing a breakup. This is a matter of relationships, not love. It is quite possible that there was something in your relationship that scared him or repelled him. Something he couldn't accept.
For example, it could be a feeling that you are depriving him of freedom, subjugating him, if you are not humiliating him, then at least somehow conquering him, forcing him to live your way. Often women and girls have a fear that the chosen one will subjugate her and thereby damage her individuality. She has a fear that her personality will be trampled on, pushed into the background. Not every woman is ready to dissolve in a man’s personality, to become his reflection. Yes, this is not necessary.
The second option is that the girl may be afraid of something in herself. The fact that suddenly something unusual will awaken in her, something terrible for herself. Often a woman has a fear of becoming happy if her mother was unhappy in her marriage. Such a woman sometimes forbids herself to be happy and leaves the one who can help her find this happiness.
The third option is that the woman could leave because she was afraid that she would have to be an older sister, a nanny, or a mother for her husband. Perhaps she wanted to find a patron, a strong man in you, but she saw a boy who needs to be watched, who needs to be helped. It may be the other way around: the woman saw in you not the father she was looking for intuitively, as women often look for in a man, but a mature man who requires her to be a woman. And she, perhaps, did not understand that being a woman is much more joyful than remaining a “teenager.”
It is difficult to list all possible options because each person is unique. Be that as it may, there is a creative element in what happened. Maybe for you this is the path to yourself, to discovering your true self. Maybe this suffering will lead a man to discover some amazing talent of his. Maybe they will lead him to God. Or maybe for the woman who left you, it was “false love” (that is, pity, romantic infatuation, compassion). Or for you it was a romantic daydream, and not genuine love. Or maybe it was all true. You yourself have to discover the meaning of what happened...
“The ability to cherish love is laid down in childhood.” Psychologist Irina Moshkova
Most likely, love leaves because we are completely unprepared for its arrival. We grow up in families in which parents do not tell their children anything about the essence of love, and are completely unable to express their parental love for their children in such a way that the children feel happiness from being loved. Quite often, children observe “anti-love” in their families - enmity, hatred and the desire to insist on their own and take revenge on their offender at all costs. At the same time, the spiritual basis of true love is undermined, because, according to the Gospel, Love is always sacrificial, it “does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act outrageously, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil” (1 Cor. 13:4– 5).
All parents who turn to a child psychologist for help say that they, of course, love their children and do everything necessary for them, but the question is what is meant by this. Upon closer examination, it turns out that they love not as Christ commanded, but as they know how, realizing the position of parental egoism, and they care primarily not about the soul of the child, but about how to feed, drink, put to bed and check lessons . Is it any wonder that infantile children-consumers grow up in families with injured pride, an inferiority complex and suppressed spiritual dignity of a person. Going out into independent life, boys and girls who have such a flawed self-awareness strive to build their personal lives on the basis of a thirst for self-affirmation, pride and vanity.
The lack of a positive experience of true love deprives them of the opportunity to enter a new life and achieve positive results. Young people who were disliked by their own parents in childhood dream of finding a love in which they will receive affection, care, attention and material well-being from their lover. While true love always seeks the opportunity to give, to devote both itself and its life to a loved one. The mistake in attitudes and expectations regarding their future family life among young people can be so great that, in fact, already at the wedding one can predict the impending divorce.
The fact is that, after meeting, at the first stage of the relationship, young people experience a natural pull towards each other. A love appears that enchants, literally “bewitches” the boy and girl. Literally everything: appearance, thoughts, words and actions - seems interesting and beautiful. All the best spiritual qualities are identified and manifested in communication that is of mutual value. At this time, you can breathe easily and freely, you want to believe everything and make mutual promises so easily. It seems that this fairy tale will last a lifetime... But no! After a short period of 2–3 months, as soon as real life together begins with its inevitable troubles and worries in specific circumstances, the idyll ends. All the worst, basest, most secret things, stored in the basements of the “unconscious”, which were filled in early childhood, come to the surface. Quarrels and conflicts begin. When quarreling, each of the young spouses expects that the other will spare him, take pity and meet him halfway, give in and understand, but this does not happen, since two proud people will never agree.
The more often these collisions occur, the faster our love leaves. Unfortunately, we are completely unprepared to accept this wonderful Gift of God. We do not understand and do not appreciate the generous divine “gifts” that are given to us in advance, in the hope that we will someday grow to understand their essence.
It is necessary to remember that we still have to live to see true love. All our lives we need to learn such love, overcoming our selfishness and performing selfless service to each other.
How does a breakup happen?
Each individual feels a huge number of needs, the most important of which is love. As long as a person loves and is loved, it is easier for him to cope with daily difficulties, he feels not alone and needed. But as soon as the realization comes that your love has been betrayed, reality ceases to be perceived in color, everything around seems gray and meaningless. It is difficult for a person to adapt to new conditions after a breakup, and in such cases depression often occurs.
Women immediately wonder how to forget a guy and how to cope with mental pain. They avoid places where loving couples usually walk, and do not watch love melodramas, because they cannot hold back their tears. Often the fair sex wonders, how do men cope with separation? After all, it is generally accepted that guys have a more callous character. It turns out that men experience separation from the woman they love no less strongly; they simply try not to show their emotions to others. Sometimes they begin to take revenge, start an affair, and then abruptly leave women.
At first, separated people are characterized by low self-esteem, bad mood, and prolonged depression. Often such people begin to seek solace in alcoholic beverages and drugs. According to research results, individuals who have separated from their significant other adopt one of two models of behavior: the aggression method or the victim function.
The aggressive model is accompanied by attacks of bitterness, hatred, irritation, and a desire for revenge and retribution. The sacrificial behavior model is exactly the opposite. Characteristic features of this behavior are apathy towards the world around us, indifference, sadness and a feeling of helplessness. Such people do not know how to cope with a breakup with a loved one, how to get rid of thoughts about the past from their heads, and this makes them depressed. Living after parting with a loved one becomes unbearable, and some people begin to have suicidal thoughts. Individuals who have experienced such psychological trauma do not know how to behave and cannot enter into a new relationship for a long time.
Differences in attitudes between men and women towards ending a relationship
Contrary to popular belief, men also wonder how to survive a breakup with their loved one, and experience emotional torment no less than women. Most often, the stronger sex copes with ending a relationship with a mistress by driving fast, giving full effort at work, traveling long distances, or leading a promiscuous sex life with different women. Men mistakenly believe that short-term affairs will help them forget the girl they left or who left him.
Women more often than men turn to psychotherapists with the problem of separation. This is explained by the more emotional characteristics of the female body. Many female representatives experience dependence on a man, similar to a drug addiction. A sad experience does not pass without a trace, and a girl is not always ready to make another attempt at building a relationship.
Advice from psychologists on how to survive a breakup most often boils down to one thing - don’t dwell on this problem, but move on with your life. Of course, you need to speak out, cry and realize that the past cannot be returned. Once you understand that you cannot return to the past, you will definitely feel better. Thousands of people coped with their misfortune and moved on, despite the inner emptiness and loneliness. Over time, a love tragedy may turn out to be the beginning of a new relationship that may develop into something more.
