I found out that my husband is flirting with other guys on social networks
Hello Heroine! Help is needed!
I recently noticed that my husband is flirting on social media and dating apps with other guys. Before that, I noticed that he had changed, seemed to become more indifferent. Later I set a password on my laptop, always hiding my phone from me, although before that we had no secrets from each other.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband, very tired after working part-time, left the phone in the kitchen and went to bed. It was then that I saw what he was hiding from me. One after another, notifications came from some guy. Naturally, I didn’t look at this correspondence, but I was very confused by a whole folder with dating applications: I found it on my desktop as soon as I unlocked my phone. There were so many correspondences with men, I don’t even want to retell them!
I feel hurt and offended. Not only did he communicate with someone on the side, but also with men! We've been together for three years, and I've never noticed anything like this about him before. How does this work out, am I so bad that he wants to leave me for a guy?
Hello! Thank you for trusting us! We know how uncomfortable it is to talk about such topics, and we understand your feelings. The situation is not the most beautiful, we don’t argue, but it is very important to find the key to solving it. Let's think about what you can do now.
In general, your problem can be divided into two parts: firstly, your husband had and still has difficulties accepting himself, which is why misunderstandings arose in the couple. Secondly, we would venture to suggest that now your relationship may be experiencing a crisis. Let's look at the components in order.
First, remember that your husband’s flirting with other men is not about you, but about him. It is unlikely that a person will become so bored with his partner’s gender that he will decide to experiment with others. Most likely, he was originally pansexual or homosexual, but only recently decided to give in to his nature. This is a common story for men, especially if they grew up in an ultra-conservative family: they can pretend to be traditional heterosexuals until the very end, even get married and have children. By the way, Alison Bechdel has a whole comic book on this topic called “Fun Home”: the woman’s father hid his sexuality from others for a long time, and later the writer reflected on this story. We recommend reading the graphic novel: it will allow you to understand what is going on in the head of a person leading a double life.
You'll probably need to have a serious conversation. In general, hushing up problems is a controversial tactic. You can also turn a blind eye to utility bills until the electricity in your house is turned off. Here, too, is a story about accumulating problems: it is important to discuss the situation with your partner, tell them that you have learned the truth about his orientation and you feel deceived. Otherwise, your relationship may change in unpredictable ways. Or not: you will continue to pretend that nothing happened.
When talking about a man’s identity, focus on your feelings: explain that you are worried not so much by the fact that your partner hid his orientation, but by the very fact that there are major omissions between you. Try not to get hung up on thoughts that you didn’t give your spouse enough affection during the relationship, or that you were supposedly somehow different. Let us repeat: the situation is not about your mistakes, but about the fact that the man at one time did not understand his desires, which is why the crisis arose.
Read on topic: My boyfriend and I don’t have sex, and it scares me
Now let's move on to the flirting situation: having analyzed it, we will understand how to help your husband realize his identity and orientation, and whether you need it at all.
Flirting itself is not always bad, especially if it fuels the relationship between partners. However, your situation seems to be the opposite. Perhaps the husband understood what he really wanted, or wanted to experiment, or found some kind of justification for himself. There can be many reasons for flirting.
First, find an hour or two to be alone with yourself. Think again about how it feels to see your husband flirting with someone. Then ask yourself: do you perceive his action as betrayal?
Discuss the situation with your partner, saying that you noticed constant notifications from a stranger, and then gradually move on to how what you saw in the folder on your desktop affected you. Perhaps your husband will accuse you of encroaching on his personal space. On the one hand, he is right. On the other hand, your partner hid a lot from you, which makes the situation more complicated.
Think together about how you should live next. Perhaps for your husband, communicating on social networks did not mean anything serious, and he just wanted to experiment. Here you have the right to make your partner promise that he will work on himself and stop flirting with others.
If you decide to stay in a relationship, try to devote more time to each other, coping with the coldness that now reigns in your union. Your husband may need help accepting himself: suggest a couple's visit to a life coach or psychotherapist. The first one will be able to, together with you, at an accelerated pace, sort out 1-2 requests related, say, to changes in your union, or to your husband’s orientation. The second one will become your guide in the new reality.
If your husband’s actions went beyond innocent flirting, think about whether you are ready to tolerate it. Observe how your partner reacts to your speeches. Listen to your intuition: if you feel that you are clearly not respected in this relationship, leave without any regrets.
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How do men feel about women's flirting?
What a man thinks and feels when a woman flirts
- What will a man think of me if I flirt?
- Coquetry is bad.
- You must be restrained and modest!
- He'll think I'm a woman of easy virtue!
- You have to be a good girl, know how to cook and clean, then a man
- will appreciate.
- This is how we were raised, alas...
Is it so? Is this why men love and appreciate? But our whole life is built on the difference between the sexes! Otherwise, we wouldn’t fall in love, wouldn’t get married, wouldn’t have children. A man is not looking for a cook or housekeeper. A man is attracted to a woman and he falls in love with a woman and marries a woman. A man is attracted to a woman precisely because she is different from him and arouses in him (first of all) sexual desire. Flirting is a sexually charged behavior. That is, behavior that emphasizes your femininity and arouses male attention to you as a woman. Flirting is sexually charged communication between a man and a woman, NOT NECESSARILY leading to sexual intercourse. Correct, skillful flirting does not lead to sexual intercourse AT ALL. A person very often has sex - and the foreplay that accompanies it - not so much a method of reproduction as an exploitation of the pleasure center (in order to obtain ENJOY). Any pleasure is emotional, psychological, aesthetic. Sexual satisfaction is the highest peak of pleasure in the absence of knowledge of other methods. Pleasure is determined by the release of the hormone endorphin. At the moment, in our society, people are haunted by phobias, stress, fears, anxiety, anxiety. Of all the ways to relieve stress and gain pleasure, sex (sexual intercourse) remains the most accessible. But when sexual intercourse occurs, a decline occurs, relaxation and the hormone of happiness “disappears” quite quickly. Let's look at what happens when flirting , as communication between a man and a woman . In the same way, you begin to “tickle” the man’s center of pleasure and enjoyment. A man produces the same hormones of happiness. He is fascinated by you. For some period of time, his problems cease to oppress him. He is included in a game that excites his “center of happiness” and gives him joy and pleasure. He enjoys your appearance, your attention. Yes indeed! He has a sexual desire, that’s the whole point. But he, as homo sapiens (a person with prejudices), will not rush at you to satisfy him. A man is more likely to remain in high spirits and retain a sense of celebration and pleasant memories from communicating with you. Will he think badly of you? Will he think badly of a woman who, through flirting , gave him a feeling of joy? If you do not allow vulgarity, but do everything subtly and beautifully. Will not be! He will be grateful to you for the aesthetic and emotional pleasure provided. For pleasant communication. For the fact that you paid attention to him and spent time. Moreover, there is another fact because of which a man will not think badly of you. Every person is 100 percent self-centered and selfish, and a man is 110 percent selfish. And he will attribute all your flirting and all your manipulations to his irresistibility. So stop being shy and flirt wildly. By doing this you give a man an understanding of his own importance and exclusivity. He thinks that it was he who made such an impression on you. That means he's a great guy!!! The only unpleasant moment is if you turn on all your charm with a notorious loser who hasn't had sex for at least the last three years. It is really easier for such a person to believe that there is something wrong with you than to believe that you are interested in him as a man. Such men do not need a true woman who uses flirting as an art, but Mother Teresa, with whom they can cry into their vest. But such individuals can be seen a mile away, and women with their instincts can easily recognize them. There are quite a few complete losers. And with the rest, use flirting, and give pleasure to yourself and men. This behavior of yours allows a man to be proud of himself and becomes better for you. In the next article I will tell you about the necessary qualities that turn flirting into harmonious communication between a man and a woman. Sincerely, Irina Sergeeva (Polanskaya )To be continued...flirting, communication between a man and a woman
Why is he flirting online?
First, tell yourself that flirting is not cheating, but an expression of the desire to change something in your personal life. Moreover, it is not necessary that this desire will come true.
When a man flirts with someone, he primarily wants to increase his value and feel wanted, interesting and respected. He wants to get what he may be missing in his relationship with you. Often this is where the root of the problem lies, otherwise you wouldn’t be jealous and your partner wouldn’t waste time texting other women.
It is important to distinguish flirting from ordinary friendly communication. The first implies sexual provocations (compliments, gestures and glances that bring communication into an intimate direction) and/or a sharp reduction in distance, which occurs, for example, due to vulgar jokes and other familiarities. It is important to understand that cheekiness and demonstrative familiarity from an old friend are most likely an ordinary friendly exchange of pleasantries, but the same behavior on the part of a new acquaintance can be safely regarded as flirting.
Distinguish between flirting and simple communication
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If you are convinced that your man is flirting with women online, then the first thing to do is calm down. Under no circumstances start a scandal right away: a showdown in a raised voice and reproaches will not help here. Analyze the situation, try to look at it through the eyes of your partner. Ask yourself: did I pay enough attention to him? Did I treat him with respect? Do we have problems in our intimate life? Did I listen to his requests and desires? Perhaps there really is a problem in the relationship, you just haven’t given it much importance.
After that, it's time to talk to your partner. Again - in a calm environment. Try to find out what he is missing in the relationship. If you can’t talk face to face, then try to figure out the situation through correspondence: sometimes it’s easier to express your thoughts through messages. In addition, you are less likely to say something unnecessary out of emotion and thereby offend your interlocutor.
Often men themselves do not fully understand what is the matter and why they flirt with other women. If this is your case, then you should not torture your partner - it is better to contact a family psychologist: during a consultation, he will help you both figure it out. Perhaps you are not at all to blame, and the reasons lie in past unresolved problems of your significant other. In this situation, you should help your partner understand himself.
Don't make hasty conclusions
Photo: Pixabay.com/ru
Otherwise, you should try to convey to him that it is extremely unpleasant for you when a person close to you acts like this. It is important not to make claims or insult anyone, but to focus on your experiences and feelings. Tell him that you love him and value your relationship. And under no circumstances start controlling him or prohibiting anything: if you deprive him of his freedom, even partially, this will only worsen the situation.
Most importantly, remember: flirting is not the end of a relationship. If you don’t give free rein to your emotions, calmly understand the situation and understand what your partner is missing, then you will definitely find a solution to the current problem.
