You are a single mother (we won’t go into details about why this happened), you love your child, devote a lot of time to him... And now a new man has appeared in your life, worthy of joining your little family. How to bring a small child and the “new dad”, that is, the stepfather, closer together, how to behave so that the child does not feel disadvantaged? Today's article on sympaty.net is about this delicate situation.
How many families there are, so many variations of the “stepfather and child” plot. Much depends on the age and character of the child, on whether he communicates with the biological father and in what format, on how your man treats children and knows how to build relationships with them...
We hope our tips will be useful to you.
New relationships
At one foreign party, the hostess introduced the guests to us. Oh, this is John, my son's father, and this is Steve, my daughter's father, and this is Don, my boyfriend and my children's stepfather. Achieving such friendly relationships between all former and current family members is aerobatics, which not every family is capable of. But unfortunately, many have to learn how to combine past and current partners, if not at the same party, then in the same life, and in the lives of their children. Why? Because about 75% of marriages break up, in many of them children were born, and in our country they traditionally remain to live with their mothers. It is quite natural that after some time a stepfather may appear in the children’s lives. Adults have to build relationships not only within their couple, but also between the new person in the family and children, and the success and longevity of the new family will depend on this. There is no single correct recipe for becoming a stepfather; each family will have to find its own ways, because all families are different.
Not all men, even if they love a woman and would like to start a family with her, will easily decide to become a stepfather. There are many doubts and fears that stop them:
- There is too much moral responsibility : where am I, and where is the family, and even with the children.
- Fear of not being able to cope financially : suddenly a woman will demand to take full responsibility for financing her children. We have a stereotype that a man is the main breadwinner, and when he comes to a new family, he is unspokenly obliged to take on “his shoulders” all the dependents. And his environment often actively warns him against such a step.
- Fear of not fitting in. Perhaps the man will have to move to a new family, where everyone else is close people. And he may feel left out: everyone is talking about something of their own, but he is being ignored.
- Stepchildren may reject and ignore their stepfather , or simply feel awkward around him. It can be difficult for a stepfather to cope and find a way to communicate with his stepchildren.
- You may have to deal with negative reactions or criticism from the children's biological father. And if he is against the stepfather appearing in the lives of his children, then this can influence the children’s behavior and add difficulties.
- If a man has children of his own , he may feel biased towards the woman's children, or think that the wife may be unfair to his children.
- Partners may have different approaches and expectations regarding raising children. And it will take a lot of effort to work on the problems that arise from these differences.
- Future stepfathers may feel that they must immediately take responsibility for rules and boundaries and discipline in the family, and this is too difficult to do, especially if the children seem completely disobedient.
Almost all of these difficulties are completely surmountable if the couple has the opportunity to come to an agreement “on shore,” that is, before the family officially begins to live together.
What to discuss and agree on?
What role do you want me to play with your children? What should I do? What should I not do? How do we know that everything is going well? How do we give feedback to each other without taking it too personally? Which way is best for each of us? How involved should I be with children? Listen to what I would like and what is comfortable for me.
How many difficulties, right? Are there any bonuses for the future stepfather? Eat! Here they are:
- Being able to play a central role in children's lives provides a lot of warmth and a sense of closeness.
- The stepfather and his children, if there are any, enjoy communication with a large family and support
- Opportunity for children to develop strong relationships with step-siblings, have more family members and support each other in the future
- Opportunity to build strong relationships with your partner and stepchildren
The child does not accept his stepfather
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So, we see that life in a new family brings certain difficulties to the child, even when he manages to establish a fairly good relationship with his stepfather (unfortunately, this does not happen often). What I would like to draw special attention to parents is that at first skepticism, unfriendliness,
The child’s rejection of the mother’s new partner is
quite common
and
should not cause
alarm.
Actually, one should rather be surprised if a child immediately throws himself on the neck of a complete stranger, moreover, a man who suddenly means so much to his mother, that is, when before his eyes, one might say, a new love blossoms and he sees that it is not him is the only source of mother's happiness. Could this be evidence that the child's living conditions are so unsatisfactory that any change in these conditions is perceived by him as an improvement in the situation? So, one would rather expect that the “adoption” of a child by a new partner cannot happen without friction: two strangers simply need time to
get used to each other, discover each other for themselves and be able to develop companionship.
I would like now to touch upon those cases when a child avoids any rapprochement, and his skepticism and rejection not only remain unchanged,
but sometimes they even
intensify.
One reason for this is that the mother or her new spouse is too impatient and does not give the child the time necessary to enter into a new relationship.
It often happens like this: “Meet Hans, my friend. He's moving in with us and will be your dad. You should say “dad” to him!” And it is enough that the child’s defensive position is met by the mother and her new friend with resentment, irritation and reproaches. It happens that the mother’s new husband not only immediately tries to become an older friend, but also shows his father’s authority with all his might: he intervenes, gives orders, sets prohibitions, makes comments, reprimands and punishes. Often this happens too early, too hastily; the child at this time has not yet had time to perceive the stepfather as a “fatherly object” and therefore resists his authority. Children are generally able to perceive the authority only of those people whom they love or who occupy a position that commands their respect (for example, a teacher, educator, etc.). In other cases, the child only submits to
force, that is, obeys out of fear.
So, if the child does not yet love the mother’s new partner, and the father’s place does not belong to him in any case, then only fear can make him obey - fear of the power and strength of another man, fear of losing the mother’s love, or even fear for
the mother, if the child there is a feeling that she will have to “disentangle” his disobedience. This way you can instill submission to discipline, but in no case love.
Most often, the main motive for the mother’s rejection of the new partner is jealousy. In this jealousy, two newly activated severe crisis situations from the child’s life unconsciously merge: the already experienced birth of a new child (or the fear of one) and the Oedipal conflict, when the mother’s new partner becomes at the same time like a new child in the family, but at the same time also an Oedipal one. rival[35]. As a younger brother, that's nothing. The younger one only poses a threat when the older one believes that the mother loves him more. But at the same time, the elder - in comparison with the younger - begins to seem bigger, stronger and smarter to himself, and if at this time he finds a strong ally in his father, then everything is not so scary. But this “brother” (stepfather) not only takes away “most of” the mother from the child, but is also a real man who is superior to the child in everything. (So, we see how necessary the natural father is here as an “ally.”) The activation of the Oedipal conflict also occurs under aggravated conditions, since in relation to his own father the child knew that he was loved by his “competitor.” This, of course, increased the reproaches of conscience, but it softened the threat. Then, despite all his sadness, as well as rage and fear, he was still confident that his father would not destroy him and that he would not lose his mother forever. It was a fight for advantage.
Now, with the mother’s new partner, for many children the question is too acute: to be or not to be - “This competitor is not tied to me by love, and he wants to take my mother away from me entirely, but he would only like to get rid of me!” . On the other hand, the aggressiveness of the child himself in this case is not restrained by a feeling of love and therefore can go too far. But you should be aware that this aggressiveness is largely generated by fear.
As in the "negative" Oedipal constellation, the conflict of jealousy regarding the mother's new partner often has its downside. For many children, this man who suddenly entered their lives also
and a certain attractiveness. And this attractiveness often prevails over the threat. The children accept him and woo him, often with success, because if his intentions towards his mother are serious, he himself wants to win the sympathy of the children. So it may well happen that the child’s jealousy is initially directed against the mother, that is, the mother is seen as a “competitor.” And when a child suddenly discovers that it is not he who is primarily interested in this man, sympathy can easily disappear and the new partner will turn into an “unconquered” object, bringing nothing but disappointment. The resulting further rejection is primarily based on narcissistic resentment, which is intensified by the reactivation of early narcissistic wounds, such as those created in a child during the course of a divorce. If the mother's partner disappoints the child, this is the first step towards the child beginning to perceive him as a threat. In such cases, jealousy turns out to be its other side: the child begins to fight for his mother.
The child's difficulties with the (future) stepfather do not arise from simple constellations of relations between him, the mother and her new friend. The continuity of the relationship with one's own father is extremely important here, but in this difficult time, the (unshakable) love for one's father can also become a big problem. Namely, when a child finds himself in a conflict of loyalty between his feelings for his father and for his stepfather: if he likes his stepfather and enjoys his presence in the family, he begins to consider himself a traitor to his father. As in the post-divorce conflict of loyalty discussed above, now the child also sees himself as obligated to make a decision, and it may not be in favor of the father.
However, if a child has a close relationship with his father, he may decide against his stepfather - just so as not to lose his father.
It happens that the child still cherishes the conscious hope that the father, perhaps, will return to the family.
Then he simultaneously has to fight on three fronts: with his mother and stepfather against their love relationship in order to get rid of the unwanted stranger; further, he strives with all his might to please his father and prove his loyalty to him, and sometimes even tries to force his father to do everything possible on his part; and finally, he fights with himself to prevent any good feelings towards his stepfather.
Fear of losing a father or mother is the most common of all motives for rejecting a stepfather. The same thing happens in relation to the father’s new wife, only in a correspondingly softened form[36]. Rejection of parents' new partners can also come from pure hatred,
namely, in cases where the child considers this partnership to be responsible for the parents’ divorce. And this hatred is often quite strong, simply because the new partner is, in fact, unusually well suited to draw off the rage that both parents actually evoke in children. The child’s own guilt plays a huge role here. This movement[37]of hatred has the advantage that it contributes to the immediate release of the child’s tension: “It wasn’t mom and dad who hurt me, I didn’t do anything wrong either, it’s all this stranger, he ruined everything!” It is easier to fight or punish a stranger than with your parents or yourself, since feelings towards this stranger are not ambivalent, they are quite unambiguous. It is difficult to predict how the child's relationship with the new spouse or mother's or father's wife will develop under these conditions. This happens quite often, not only when the divorce actually occurred due to new love; There may be months or even years between a new relationship and divorce, which, however, does not prevent many children from secretly or openly blaming the new partner for the divorce[38].
Let's name the last problem that besets children whose parents have new partners: the sexual relationship of the parents. Of course, the father and mother who live together also have sexual relations, but for many reasons they are much less noticeable to the child: firstly, over the course of many years of marriage, the parents found the opportunity to integrate their sexual life into everyday existence, which, Of course, this is not something you can expect from a “fresh” relationship. The mother does not spend the night at home, the child is suddenly sent away from home for some reason, or the mother’s friend spends the night at their house. The child notices that something is happening to his mother that did not happen before, and he is excluded from this, and this exclusion is even more clear than his expulsion from the parent’s bedroom. Secondly, children of divorced parents think more about the nature of the relationship between their mother (father) and her (his) new friend. The relationship between mother and father posed much fewer mysteries to the child: they were simply his parents,
that is, children determine the mutual relationship of their parents through their own person. New relationships exist independently of it. Thinking about this, he also thinks - in accordance with the information he has on this matter - about the mysteries of love between a man and a woman. Thirdly, between the love of a couple who has been living together for a long time and the love of a newly in love couple, there is a significant difference in the intensity of the relationship, in mutual lust and affective assessments. The child feels this intensity, with which he is also unable to compete. In addition, this side of the image of a mother or father is still unknown to him.
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Starting a relationship with children
Before meeting your children, it is important to internally decide that you are probably ready to start a family with this partner. If you understand that a long-term relationship is not yet in sight, do not rush. Continue to pursue your relationship with your partner without including your children. It is better to organize the first acquaintance on neutral territory: in a park, in a cafe, on a playground. It is best to warn your children about the upcoming acquaintance, explain that you really like the person you will be meeting and you want everyone to get to know each other. There is no need to arrange random meetings in order to “monitor the reaction”: the reaction can be unpredictable and complicate further acquaintance. It’s better not to imagine a stranger as a future dad, a new family member. After the meeting, there is no need to ask the children: “How do you like this person? Do you want him to live with us all the time?” It’s possible that you don’t fully know this yet, much less children. Answering such questions is an overwhelming responsibility.
Give everyone time. Any relationship must develop. Rarely does love flare up from the first moment and not go out for years. The relationship between the future stepfather and the children requires gradualism; children are not obliged to immediately love or respect their stepfather. Although many children are glad to have a second parent in the family, and may have dreamed about him, looking at other children living in a full family. But they also see that a new person is vying for the attention of their mother, now they have to share her with him, and mother is the main resource that must be protected from all competitors. Therefore, at the beginning of a relationship, it is good if children treat the new person at least politely. It is the biological parent's job to keep children polite.
Child's relationship with biological father
more about the situation of divorce and the continuation of communication between the child and the father here. If the father is not marginalized or an alcoholic, is adequate and expresses a desire to see the child, you have no right to refuse him this .
Try to behave correctly, negotiate as much as possible with your ex-husband the terms of communication with the child and do not get personal.
If a biological father is jealous of the appearance of a “new dad” for his child, he must behave very delicately. There are cases when former fathers were quite literally “blown away” by jealousy and the outcome was tragic.
Here are some tips from sympaty.net:
- If the child communicates normally and often enough with his real father, let him call him “dad” . In this case, he may well call his stepfather by name.
- Let the father have the opportunity to participate in the child’s life - take him to school or to a section, call him on the phone, spend a day off. You can also periodically inform him about how your son or daughter is studying, how their health is, and so on. Then he will not feel too “infringed” in his paternal rights and “excluded” from the child’s life.
- It is recommended to report what the stepfather did good for the child (bought some valuable gift, took him somewhere, taught something) in a neutral and dosed manner: on the one hand, your ex-husband will see that his “successor” cares about child, and on the other hand, his pride will not be too wounded. Teach your child to see and equally appreciate what both men do for him, without in any way comparing them. This is the wisest thing you can do.
