Paul Dolan Research
Professor at the London School of Economics and Political Science, Paul Dolan, is convinced that men need to get married, but women do not necessarily have to have a family and children if they want to be healthy and happy. Statistics show that representatives of the stronger sex only benefit from marriage: they live longer, earn more, and gain emotional stability. But married women die earlier because they take on a huge number of worries and problems.
According to Dolan, today the criteria for the so-called “female happiness”, when there is a husband and children nearby, are outdated. The expert is convinced that a woman can feel uncomfortable only because of social pressure when she hears: “She is already forty, but she has never been married, and she has no children. Horrible! A shame!". And in order not to hear such statements, representatives of the fair sex agree to toxic relationships, thereby depriving themselves of peace of mind and health.
Friend I've known since school
Name: Anton, 35 years old.
Anton and I have been best friends for over 25 years. We met at the age of 11, when he had a '90s haircut and I had a thing for floppy hats. We're very close, so I'm not surprised that he doesn't do any damage to my self-esteem.
“You are used to your own company and your own time, and opening it up to someone else is a challenge for you. You can be stubborn and a little narcissistic,” he says.
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But because he's also the father of a family, he explains that my best qualities are "intelligence, a sense of humor and the ability to empathize with other people," which softens the blow to my ego a little.
“You haven’t been married for a long time. Learning to share what we have is probably the only way to deeply engage in a loving, caring relationship,” he tells me.
Anton also mentions that I have trouble really opening up when I'm dating a guy, and that I probably have deeper issues that need to be unpacked before I feel comfortable in a relationship.
I know he's right and I vow to work on this in my future dates.
Philosophical approach
The opinion that the absence of a husband and children prolongs life and gives a feeling of happiness has recently been a frequent topic of discussion on various forums. As the same statistics show, among long-lived women, most often those who have not started a family are found.
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Representatives of the fair sex are gradually coming to the conclusion that it is better to come to terms with loneliness than with a toxic partner nearby. No, this is not at all a call to not get married. The bottom line is that if you haven’t met a worthy man along the way, then you don’t need to compromise and agree to build a family “with whomever.” This unhappy marriage will completely ruin your life.
Top topics:
“Why was a childless thirty-year-old girl detained at customs? The border guards thought she had a bomb because the clock was ticking,” “First you joke sharper than a man, and then you’re 30.” Probably every woman who has reached childbearing age has heard these and other “sparkling” jokes addressed to her. The future is predetermined, and therefore they begin to brainwash us long before the cherished date.
I'm 30 and not married. Here, in theory, I should start making excuses and also present evidence of my worth, for example a KPI chart or a stack of international diplomas. Or loudly declare your position that the planet is overpopulated, and marriage is a relic of patriarchy, threatening kitchen slavery. Or complain about how crushed men were and how difficult it is now to meet your love on Tinder.
No.
I live this way simply because it’s convenient for me to live this way now. No misogyny or conspiracy theories. However, no matter what I answer to the question “why am I not married?”, my answer will not suit those around me.
People around you have an established image of a 30-year-old woman in their heads; you obviously don’t fit it, which they immediately tell you.
It’s hard to escape the feeling that victim blaming, slut shaming and gaslighting, despite all the efforts of feminists, still exist in a small world, and the rest of the world continues to believe that if a woman is still not married at 30, there is something wrong with her not this way. “30” falls on you like a guillotine: from now on, as in the sacramental phrase, you have two choices: either in a panic, look for a husband in order to become a mother, or be touched by the children of your friends. Those who think that all this “splendor” exists only in Russia can watch this Huffington Post video:
And we’re not just talking about relatives with their tactlessness under the guise of family care, propaganda of traditional values or individual cases of sparkling idiocy, when someone suggests removing the crown of celibacy by lighting a candle for Peter and Fevronia. We are talking about the flooded sea of prejudice that splashes on social networks, overwhelming you with a wave of discomfort every day. We are talking about a world from which it is impossible to hide.
This is a world where only the presence of a man and a family makes a woman valid. She may be a Nobel laureate, an Olympic champion, have a billion earned in her account, but only having a family makes her a full-fledged person.
Everything - from photos of babies to a Bentley given by her husband - signals to others that they have an ideal in front of them, with which they are obliged to compare their worthless lives. Then there are photographs of friends surrounded by babies, pop-up banners of trainings “get married in two months with a triple guarantee,” texts with the headings “Proof of love: the most impressive engagement rings of stars” and “Free cash: bachelors of the top hundred of the Forbes list. Which of the Russian billionaires is still free and does not yet celebrate the Day of Family, Love and Loyalty?
And finally, my favorite case from housing search groups: “Girls! A happy room is available for rent, everyone gets married from here, a third one came out recently, now we are looking for a replacement.”
At the same time, stories or photographs of divorced women who were left alone with children due to an unsuccessful early marriage are much less common. Day and night, thousands of women painstakingly create and play up the image of that very beautiful lady, rejecting everything that does not fit the standard. 90% of such content is pushed by women themselves, hardly realizing how misogynistic they are conveying when they propose the model described above as the only correct one. Just for fun, you can compare how many people subscribe to Instagram about honest parenting and the account of the wife of a not-so-famous Russian rapper, who every now and then posts photos of her family and children.
As strange as it may sound, if you are 30 and not married, then you should be afraid not of men, but of other women who decide to walk in a white coat. According to some unwritten rule, a woman who becomes a mother believes that her authority and opinion become higher.
It’s the same with men who went through the army: they look at those who didn’t go into the army as untermensch. “If you haven’t served, you’re not a man,” “When you give birth, you’ll understand.” To support their words, such people do not provide a single more or less logical and well-founded argument. And then the choir of those same women will tell you: “You need to stay at home! Where did you get out with the stroller! and “You shouldn’t have given birth!”
I'm 30 and I'm single because I want to get on with my life and not mutilate it according to other people's fears and prejudices. My appearance, like my personal life, is the last thing I want to discuss. Especially with strangers. Especially if they believe that a woman’s life is a casting, where the choice remains with the man.
At 30 you are just beginning to understand who you are, what you are capable of and what you want from life.
This is the age when for the first time you have enough experience to not be afraid of criticism and do well what you like. You think more and more about yourself, and not about how to present your ideal image to others so that the threads do not stick out. The age when you want to deceive yourself less and less.
By today's standards, 30 is a young age, but try to prove that to your mother. Instead of being supportive, she begins to judge your outlook on life and relationships by outdated standards. The problem is not that someone serves her husband, but when they try to teach this as the only correct model of behavior, when a mother tells her adult, educated, self-supporting daughter that her life is worthless without a stamp in her passport.
What I would like is for us to finally get away from each other. So that endless alarmism and censure disappear from conversations about marriage and family. So that women support women, and do not see each as a competitor for male attention.
Finally, I’m 30, and I’m not married, because I’m sure: the life model, where marriage was a way to teleport into a beautiful life, turned out to be unviable.
Marriage is no longer a solution to problems. It can only cause more problems.
Despite the fact that there are still a lot of people around who don’t understand the comedy of the phrases “dad works, mom is beautiful” or “if you don’t achieve anything, just say you’ve chosen a family,” a life position where you view another person solely as a resource is rapidly loses weight. How long have you met people whose dream is to put a healthy adult person on their neck?
And most importantly, all this has nothing to do with love. A life where you tolerate a man because he is a resource without which you will starve is an extremely depressing sight. The older you get, the clearer your vision of relationships and what qualities a future partner should have. The more you value trust, a sense of humor and the absence of setups, and not the ability of a man to show off your eyes on the first date.
A family is too serious and important a thing to be guided when creating it by the opinions of strangers, especially their stories about a glass of water and 40 cats. Because their fear for you is most often fear for themselves and their, perhaps not the most successful, choice. And the worst thing you can do is start thinking that their fear is your own.
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Loneliness at 70
This opinion is shared by a neighbor who is already 70 years old. Of course, she is sorry that her fate turned out in such a way that she did not meet her soul mate. There are examples of couples who live happily ever after for decades. And they can truly be called lucky. However, fate does not give such a generous gift to everyone, so the most correct decision is to come to terms with and love loneliness.
The neighbor is 70 years old, but she looks 20 years younger. Unlike many married pensioners, she is full of energy and her eyes sparkle. She goes to work with pleasure, and in her free time she indulges in her favorite hobbies and interests, of which she has many. The neighbor travels and regularly goes on vacation to a sanatorium. She is not deprived of male attention, but she does not want to tie the knot. Firstly, it seems ridiculous to her to get married for the first time at that age, and secondly, she doesn’t see the point in it. Over the years, she has become so accustomed to living on her own that the thought of having to live on the same territory with anyone else frankly stresses her out.
It's time to think about the future, but with no one
According to psychologist Natasha Tiwari, friends can see beyond our “sphere of attention” when it comes to our personal lives. Therefore, for the purpose of self-development, I also decided to try to study the opinions of other people from my social circle about why I am still single.
It will be especially helpful to hear such results for those who think a lot about their future, spend almost all their time at home, or consider themselves incredibly self-confident and impervious to the opinions of the rest of the world.
Coronavirus has forced us to change many attitudes, but being home alone has had (I'm ashamed to admit) virtually zero impact on my current personal story. Since I gave up on Prince Charming from dating apps in 2020 and haven't really made any progress in building personal relationships, I decided to take a big (for myself) step and ask a few friends I've known for various periods of time. their honest feedback on why I'm single.
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Self-sufficiency is the key to success
Psychologists say that it is quite possible to be happy without a man. To do this, you just need to become a self-sufficient person, and not focus on your loneliness and feel shame about not having children or a husband. You should live and enjoy life instead of throwing all your energy into finding a partner. It is not two halves that are attracted, but two whole personalities - then from such a union a strong and reliable tandem is obtained. If, with the help of a partner, a person (whether a man or a woman) wants to drown out loneliness, then the relationship is definitely doomed to failure. It's just a temporary illusion of happiness.
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Girlfriend from university
Name: Alina, 35 years old.
In the early 2000s, Alina and I studied at the same university and lived together in a dormitory.
“There is often something about the men you like that makes them insecure: their career path, their previous relationships, their self-esteem. This may be somewhat attractive to a confident woman, but it is not ideal for starting a serious relationship. And it doesn’t do your own confidence any good.”
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Alina actually survived several of my crushes on mutual friends and various unsuitable guys I dated during my university years, including a professor, a banker and a much older journalist.
“You are incredibly smart, very funny and loving, completely original and fearless. I suspect it's your independent streak that might intimidate some people, but to hell with those people,” says Alina, like a devoted friend of almost 20 years. I suspect she's generously calling my stubbornness an "independent character trait," but I agree.
“Relationships can be quite difficult, and I think your main focus over the past few years has been on other things: career, friendships and family.”
